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Relationships

This seems like a nightmare. Am I OW??

147 replies

Totallyconfuzzled · 29/11/2011 15:45

ok name changed for this.
I met a guy through work. He is much older than me. (old enough to be my dad and I'm in my early 20s) we met regularly through meetings, work parties etc even though we don't work in the same building. We got close and exchanged numbers about 4 months ago although I've known him about 2 years.
He texts me regularly telling me how in love with me he is and sends me and my son presents all the time (he is 4, disabled, never met him) just little things really but so sweet. He's the first person I call if I have a problem and he helps me through it all. He recently even just decided to buy me warranty for a year on my tumble dryer as it broke. I told him not to but he garbled on about money not being an issue for him.

Anyway I knew he has 2 kids (one my age) and he had separated from his wife years ago, at least I thought I did. I've never met his kids and he's never met mine. Way too early for any of that anyway.

So about a week ago someone I work with told me he still lives with his wife. I was totally confused and called him as soon as I got home. Yup it's true he says, but we are seperated, I haven't slept with her in years, we have separate rooms, we stay together for the kids and for financial benefits for her as she only works part time. I asked him if she knows about me, he said no it would hurt her in the same way finding out your ex was with someone new and he couldn't do that to her. He told me he'd never leave her 'in the lurch' and just wishes someone would come and sweep her off her feet so he could leave. I was totally confused at this point (still am) and asked him what it is he actually wants. He said he loves me and I said we'd have to just be friends. He said no, he loves me and he wants me.

In the end I just asked him what he wanted. He said he doesn't want me dating anyone else. He wants me to stay faithful to him. He will see me as often as he can but still live with his wife.

I really dont know what to do or think to be honest. I owe this man a lot. I would do anything for him and I think I believe him but what if it's a lie? What if he's lying and cheating and I'm the horrible nasty person who is ruining her marriage?

I feel sick. I've been on my own caring for my little boy and holding down a job since I was 18. I thought I'd found my knight in shining armour.

I owe him so much. I'm so confused

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PeppermintPasty · 29/11/2011 15:52

Er, what do you owe him?

As for whether he's lying or not, well, he's lying to someone somewhere, probably both you and his wife.

In the end I just asked him what he wanted. He said he doesn't want me dating anyone else. He wants me to stay faithful to him. He will see me as often as he can but still live with his wife.

ARRRGH my teeth are grinding involuntarily!!!! Of course he's lying, sorry to be blunt. He's playing you, and his wife. And even if he's being "honest" about his home situation, why the hell should you settle for that- you have to be a good girl and stay away from other men and he'll fit you in when he can!!!!

RUN AWAY from this hideous man!

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KatieScarlett2833 · 29/11/2011 15:54

Yes, you are the OW

Sorry.

Sad

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Totallyconfuzzled · 29/11/2011 15:55

Well I told you he has helped me through a lot of problems especially regarding my little boy. He has paid for things that I wouldn't have been able to afford. If I just leave won't it seem like I am using him and just leave when I find out his life isn't perfect?

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effingwotsits · 29/11/2011 15:57

He has manipulated you into thinking you 'owe him'

He is a married man. He has told you he will not leave his wife. You are the OW.

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TooEasilyTempted · 29/11/2011 15:58

Am I the OW?

Quite simply, yes.

And if you belive all that guff he came out with you are a fool. Sorry if that's blunt, but it's true.

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Pagwatch · 29/11/2011 15:58

It's not that his life isn't perfect.
It is that he is still living with his wife and lied to you about it.

You are not in sone kind of business relationship where he paid for your warranty therefore you are obliged to continue a relationship which is concerning you.

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ISayHolmes · 29/11/2011 15:58

"Yup it's true he says, but we are seperated, I haven't slept with her in years, we have separate rooms, we stay together for the kids and for financial benefits for her as she only works part time."

Lies. All lies, I can guarantee you. I've seen this happen to many friends of mine over the last few years, one of them was even pregnant while her husband was whining to the OW about how their relationship was broken and they hadn't been intimate since the birth of their previous child.

He will have played down their relationship until it's completely and utterly different to the reality. The truth is probably that their marriage isn't the best but is muddling along. Their relationship isn't going to be the broken shell he's made it out to be. I'm sorry but he's fed you a load of rubbish. Break it off- think about the wife and children he has and if he dares to accuse you of using him then tell him to focus on them.

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Snorbs · 29/11/2011 15:59

Deceiving his wife and children about having an affair is a loooooong way from "...his life isn't perfect".

If you're happy with being the OW then so be it, but don't dress it up as some kind of noble gesture.

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KatieScarlett2833 · 29/11/2011 15:59

I don't care if he bought you a fecking house.

He is a married man who is living with his wife (seperate bedrooms my arse), has no intention of leaving her (lame excuses, by the way) and expects you to be sitting waiting for him whenever he has a free minute!!

His life is perfect.

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fuzzynavel · 29/11/2011 16:01

Im also wanting to gnash my teeth Angry

OP the man is a total arsehole.

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googietheegg · 29/11/2011 16:03

I have to say from a situation in my family that this isn't necessarily all lies and it can work out in your favour. That's not to say it will as it very, very rarely does, but I have seen it work out to some extent.

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PenguinsAreThePoint · 29/11/2011 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Totallyconfuzzled · 29/11/2011 16:04

Of course I'm not happy I don't want this. I posted on here to get some home truths as I know I'm probably being a fool. I just don't want to feel on my own again. But it's not worth it. Not at all.

What do I tell him though? I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt her either. He didn't exactly lie he just said 'separated' he just never told me I suppose. But just like he'll never tell his wife.

He is so open about us at work though which us what reapply confused me.

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AMumInScotland · 29/11/2011 16:05

Yes, you are the OW.

No you don't owe him anything - he's given you presents. In exchange for a relationship. Frankly, he thinks he's bought you (or at least rented you longterm) and you should consider yourself in his debt.

Unless you want to be the OW (and I'm sure you're better than that) then end this now. You can see the truth - this is a man who is living with his wife and hasn't told her about you. He's wrapping it up in a nice-looking package to hide what's inside, by telling you his marriage isn't real any more.

I'll bet that's not what his wife thinks the situation is.

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stripeywoollenhat · 29/11/2011 16:05

he is absolutely taking the piss out of you and his wife. dump directly, i'd say.

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PeppermintPasty · 29/11/2011 16:05

Don't let this wanker rob you of your 20s.

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KatieScarlett2833 · 29/11/2011 16:06

Tell him "Goodbye, I don't have anything to do with married men who live with their wives."

Who gives a shit about his feelings? Think about his poor wife and childrens feelings. And walk away.

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TooEasilyTempted · 29/11/2011 16:06

"He has paid for things that I wouldn't have been able to afford. If I just leave won't it seem like I am using him and just leave when I find out his life isn't perfect?"

Oh dear God. HE is using YOU. He is a dirty old man getting his jollies with a woman young enough to be he daughter, all for the price of a tumble dryer warranty.

His life couldn't be better!

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Pagwatch · 29/11/2011 16:06

I have a relation who lives part of the week with a man who shares another house with an ex-partner and her children.

The arrangement started because he could not afford to buy out his half of the house and he did not want to knave the ex-partner in the lurch.
So they agreed he would stay half the week and go back to pay bills and see the children.

eight years. eight years this has been going on.
The children have left home.
But so much invested, so many layers of lies, the terrible knowledge that saying 'but hang on, you were moving out eight years ago, you were staying for the kids, this woman meant nothing to you" would mean finally facing that it has been nearly a decade wasted, she let's it go - week after week.

That's where this ends

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Alibabaandthe80nappies · 29/11/2011 16:07

I really think that your primary concern should be for yourself, and that you shouldn't give a flying fuck if you hurt him.

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SantasENormaSnob · 29/11/2011 16:07

You are the ow.

Get rid of this lying sack of shit.

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coffeesleeve · 29/11/2011 16:07

You do not owe him ANYTHING.

You owe YOURSELF the opportunity to find a loving, caring man who is free to be with you.

"Owing" someone is not a reason to be in a relationship with them. Relationships are not transactions.

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AMumInScotland · 29/11/2011 16:09

You say "No, I'm not going to keep seeing you. The situation is not what I thought it was and I am not continuing with this relationship on that basis"

He may have been vague enough to believe he hasn't lied, but he's certainly given you a misleading impression about his situation, and I have no doubt it was deliberate, which makes it lying in my book, even if he never specifically said he lived apart from his wife. You assumed "separated" meant that, because it normally does and he knows that damn well. If he didn't mean the usual meaning of the word, then it was up to him to spell that out to you, if he had wanted to be honest.

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PeppermintPasty · 29/11/2011 16:09

You sound like a kind person, but your kindness is wasted on him. He really doesn't deserve it, he has treated you very shabbily, and has made you feel as if you owe him something. As for being confused, I'm not surprised-you are not to blame for this. You have clearly been open with your feelings and, quite reasonably, would expect someone you care about to treat you in the same way. But he hasn't done that. He is spinning you a yarn so he can have his cake and eat it.

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oliviasmama · 29/11/2011 16:09

without doubt you most definately are the other woman...

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