This seems like a nightmare. Am I OW??

[Totallyconfuzzled]

ok name changed for this.
I met a guy through work. He is much older than me. (old enough to be my dad and I'm in my early 20s) we met regularly through meetings, work parties etc even though we don't work in the same building. We got close and exchanged numbers about 4 months ago although I've known him about 2 years.
He texts me regularly telling me how in love with me he is and sends me and my son presents all the time (he is 4, disabled, never met him) just little things really but so sweet. He's the first person I call if I have a problem and he helps me through it all. He recently even just decided to buy me warranty for a year on my tumble dryer as it broke. I told him not to but he garbled on about money not being an issue for him.

Anyway I knew he has 2 kids (one my age) and he had separated from his wife years ago, at least I thought I did. I've never met his kids and he's never met mine. Way too early for any of that anyway.

So about a week ago someone I work with told me he still lives with his wife. I was totally confused and called him as soon as I got home. Yup it's true he says, but we are seperated, I haven't slept with her in years, we have separate rooms, we stay together for the kids and for financial benefits for her as she only works part time. I asked him if she knows about me, he said no it would hurt her in the same way finding out your ex was with someone new and he couldn't do that to her. He told me he'd never leave her 'in the lurch' and just wishes someone would come and sweep her off her feet so he could leave. I was totally confused at this point (still am) and asked him what it is he actually wants. He said he loves me and I said we'd have to just be friends. He said no, he loves me and he wants me.

In the end I just asked him what he wanted. He said he doesn't want me dating anyone else. He wants me to stay faithful to him. He will see me as often as he can but still live with his wife.

I really dont know what to do or think to be honest. I owe this man a lot. I would do anything for him and I think I believe him but what if it's a lie? What if he's lying and cheating and I'm the horrible nasty person who is ruining her marriage?

I feel sick. I've been on my own caring for my little boy and holding down a job since I was 18. I thought I'd found my knight in shining armour.

I owe him so much. I'm so confused

[newbiedoobiedoo]

I agree - the wife has a right to know but I don't think it's for you to tell her.

[KatieScarlett2833]

I would want to know and I wouldn't care who told me.

[MarinaAzul]

Agree!

[CuriousMama]

The OP has to work with this guy. Telling his wife would cause untold distress. Who knows the status quo of their relationship? She needs to look out for herself and her ds and let him get on with his own life. He may well be in a loveless marriage? I was but I got out. I know someone who's wife threatens suicide if he tries to leave. You really can't judge unless you walkk in their shoes.

[MarinaAzul]

Fair point, Curious, but perhaps if the OP suggested telling his wife, just to let him know he can't control things like he thinks he can?

[tadpoles]

"I'm gutted I've done this to that poor woman."

For all you know, she was absolutely delighted that he was getting sex somewhere else...in any case they are unlikely to be swinging off the chandeliers in a 30 year old relationship.

Perhaps she is more than happy to turn a blind eye ...think people are making an awful lot of assumptions here.

He's an older bloke in a long term marriage that has gone stale, can't be bothered to change his situation because it's too much of a hassle, etc. A young girl comes along who is looking for some TLC and hey presto!

He may be totally honest when he says they haven't been intimate for years.

Totallyconfused - it is highly unlikely you have 'totally ruined his marriage'. You will get the true measure of the man if you say that you would like to have him as a friend but no longer want to be intimate with him. If he refuses to offer you friendship, then that says it all really.

Don't be so hard on yourself. And start dating other people!

[LIZS]

Be grateful that you found out on 4 months in and buy the person who tipped you off a drink. You could have wasted far too long on this "relationship". His wife may know (I knew of just a situation at work , and it was very very unlikely she didn't but didn't have either the bottle or financial independence to end it and I believe their marriage had also followed an office affair) . Hw's using you and may well have used others before you and will probably again. Your tactcis are to rise above it with dignity and insist on only dealing with him on a professional level meanwhile look for an alternative job and prioritise your and your ds' future happiness without him.

[newbiedoobiedoo]

Well yes there's every chance she does know but OP you deserve better regardless! If he is being honest then he should have told you the situation from the outset and allowed you to make an informed decision. Instead, he's just a knob. Because, regardless of whether their marriage is open or not, he lied by omission which is still a lie.

He doesn't sound innocent to me. He sounds like a cock.

[FellatioNelson]

tadpoles that may well be the case but he should have been honest with the OP - being the third person in that kind of set up is not for everybody. To trick her into being part of his convenient arrangement was wrong.

[Charbon]

"in any case they are unlikely to be swinging off the chandeliers in a 30 year old relationship."

Speak for yourself Tadpoles..........

[thunderboltsandlightning]

How are you fixed at work confuzzled if the relationship is over? Will there be any repurcussions?

Agree with the people who say he has zero right to be telling you which decisions you can and can't take. How dare he. Who does he think he is?

[Totallyconfuzzled]

Hi everyone. Things have been absolutely fine at work no one has mentioned anything. He has been very nice and polite but stayed at a distance but sent me a text last night saying if I ever need anything I can call him. I won't. But it's nice to hear really. I am so glad he hasn't kicked off over it

[Totallyconfuzzled]

I am not going to tell his wife. I don't know their true situation. If he's telling the truth I might be unnecessarily upsetting her. Besides that, what would I do just go and knock on the door? If it was me I would want to know to be honest but I just am going to wimp out on this one.

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

Hi TC

Great to hear things are going so well - glad everythings OK at work.

Just keep on walking the way you're going and things will work out just fine!

[MarinaAzul]

Do a lot of work colleagues know about you and him ?
If they do, then it's possible his wife already knows.
Hopefully he won't text again.
I do feel he's gotten away with a lot though and hope one day he gets caught out!

[GeekLove]

I've been lurking and I think you are doing very well considering he man you thought was good is a lie.
He is not so much a knight in shining armour rather a shite in whining armour.

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

Or a shite in whining amour ?

[LydiaWickham]

Just a word of warning, if a lot of people at work know, you might want to think about looking for a new job in the new year. The fact is, you now won't be taken seriously, it's very hard to be professional if every promotion/bonus/recognition is treated by everyone else as only received due to your relationship with the boss, plus if you're not in a relationship with him, you won't actually be getting preferential treatment. In fact, if people work out it's finished, you might find that you are more likely to be overlooked by colleagues fearing pissing him off by promoting you.

I've known a lot of affairs happen at work, every time the more junior of the couple ends up with their career/reputation being damaged within the firm. (Sad, but true. the more senior you are, the more you get away with.) Senior people will know his wife, they might like her and whatever they publically say, privately might think badly of you and not want to work with you.

There's no rush, but do keep your eye out for something else. And next time keep work and private lives separate.

[Blu]

ROFL at Juggling

[Blu]

And well done for you clarity and strength.

FWIW, I definitely would not tell his wife. HIs responsibility to his wife is his. You have done your bit by pulling out now you have found out more of the truth. If she was a friend of yours and you found out that her DH was cheating, well, your dilemma would be different.

Anyway, it's as well to have some eggs in yor basket in case he ever did make difficulties for you.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Well done.

Now go and find yourself a good one

[Fluffycloudland77]

Bet anything its news to his dw that they havent had sex for years!

My DHs exp said this in her court statement, they were sleeping together right up to when he chucked her out when he found out she was sleeping with someone else.

Honestly not many people stay living together after the relationship has ended, what would be the point when you could be meeting someone else.