This seems like a nightmare. Am I OW??

[Totallyconfuzzled]

ok name changed for this.
I met a guy through work. He is much older than me. (old enough to be my dad and I'm in my early 20s) we met regularly through meetings, work parties etc even though we don't work in the same building. We got close and exchanged numbers about 4 months ago although I've known him about 2 years.
He texts me regularly telling me how in love with me he is and sends me and my son presents all the time (he is 4, disabled, never met him) just little things really but so sweet. He's the first person I call if I have a problem and he helps me through it all. He recently even just decided to buy me warranty for a year on my tumble dryer as it broke. I told him not to but he garbled on about money not being an issue for him.

Anyway I knew he has 2 kids (one my age) and he had separated from his wife years ago, at least I thought I did. I've never met his kids and he's never met mine. Way too early for any of that anyway.

So about a week ago someone I work with told me he still lives with his wife. I was totally confused and called him as soon as I got home. Yup it's true he says, but we are seperated, I haven't slept with her in years, we have separate rooms, we stay together for the kids and for financial benefits for her as she only works part time. I asked him if she knows about me, he said no it would hurt her in the same way finding out your ex was with someone new and he couldn't do that to her. He told me he'd never leave her 'in the lurch' and just wishes someone would come and sweep her off her feet so he could leave. I was totally confused at this point (still am) and asked him what it is he actually wants. He said he loves me and I said we'd have to just be friends. He said no, he loves me and he wants me.

In the end I just asked him what he wanted. He said he doesn't want me dating anyone else. He wants me to stay faithful to him. He will see me as often as he can but still live with his wife.

I really dont know what to do or think to be honest. I owe this man a lot. I would do anything for him and I think I believe him but what if it's a lie? What if he's lying and cheating and I'm the horrible nasty person who is ruining her marriage?

I feel sick. I've been on my own caring for my little boy and holding down a job since I was 18. I thought I'd found my knight in shining armour.

I owe him so much. I'm so confused

[SnapesMistress]

I second sending the text saying it is over and then block his number.

[garlicnutter]

Blimey, he is a knobber isn't he? Not only has he determined that his wife is separated (without her knowing) and that you're his mistress (without you knowing), but he also reckons he gets to determine what decisions you make about your own life? Bit of a deluded twat, then!

I do feel sorry for your shock and disappointment, sweetheart. Please remember this man lied to two women to get his own eay and has NO CONTROL over you. If anybody's holding a winning hand, it's you. You don't need to threaten you'll tell his wife, he'll be terrified enough of that. Just don't promise him you won't tell her, okay?

Wrt accepting presents: I've never understood why people keep on saying it's wrong. Before I was broke, I bought my friend a fridge-freezer. That doesn't mean I wanted to shag her or gain any other benefits from her - she needed it, I could buy it, end of. Likewise, if a man with greater means buys you stuff, you're perfectly free to accept it with good will. Unless he actually says "I will buy you XYZ if you do me sexual favours", then he's not 'buying you' and you're not 'compromising yourself'.

In this case, I'm relieved that you at least got some much-needed domestic appliances out of it :)

[makeyerowndamndinner]

Mmm Garlicnutter you see I think the lines can be blurry wrt a sexual relationship.

I mean in no way to cast aspersions on you op - the relationship isn't what you thought it was - as far as you were concerned he was just your boyfriend doing you a favour and you didn't even know about the warranty until he'd already sorted it anyway.

But I think men sometimes gain a sense of real entitlement from their economic power and if you're reliant on them financially it can make you very dependent iyswim. The sexual relationship you then have with them isn't one where the power is equally distributed. The waters can sometimes become murky. It's something to watch for I think.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Hmm, you know, Garlic, there's a word for people who exchange sex for material gain. It isn't a nice word, and it would be totally unfair to apply it to the OP. It's clearly not something she wants to be.

[garlicnutter]

?? Annie? I hope it didn't look as if I thought she was ...

[QuintessentialMercury]

Yes.
You are the OW.

You are also a commodity that has been paid for, and I am not sure what those are called....

You are also naive to believe him.

[Anniegetyourgun]

No, I don't think you meant she was, I was telling you off a wee bit for defending that line of business. Though to be fair, I don't think that's quite what you meant either...

[FellatioNelson]

He is not prepared to let you make a quick decision about finishing the relationship, when you have just found out that he is, indeed, very much still married? Who the hell does he think he is?

He is just going to try to soft soap you and give you a hundred excuses as to why he has been lying to you both. If deep down you know you are going to throw a hissy fit for a week or two and them resume business as normal then my all means go along and listen to his begging and his bleating, have a good cry together, get brainwashed into believing he is trapped and felt he was acting for the best, blah blah. However, if you really do intend to end it right now then you do not owe him an audience.

If he says he needs to explain then tell him to write you a letter instead. Then move on.

[Sloobreeus]

OP you are the OW. He is having his cake and eating it. Sorry. You are still young - you need to enjoy relationships, not hang on for someone who in fact has lied to you. Finding someone free to have a relationship with isn't easy for all of us but think that you don't need this. You are possibly just being used as a foil for an unsatisfactory marriage. And what about her?

[Snorbs]

he said 'I won't let you make a rash decision on this.'

Who the fuck does he think he is? Your dad?

[Besom]

You don't have to see him next week. Agree with FN.

My mum and dad lived seperated in the same house for years. There was never anyone else involved as far as I know. But there was certainly no 'pecking' on the cheek either.

I think it's quite telling that he said they still do this act of physical affection and I think he's most probably lying about the other stuff.

[AMumInScotland]

Your last couple of posts sound much more clear and decisive. Good for you - you can see a lot more of the reality of this situation now, and are not going to be suckered into it.

He has been trying to buy you - some men are just like that and think that what they label as "gifts" give them some rights over you. He's still acting as if he has a right to decide what you do - "Won't let you make a rash decision" indeed!

My advice would be to text him and say, as far as you are concerned the decision is made and the relationship is over. BogeyFace's wording is good and covers what needs to be said. The sooner you say this the better, as it makes it quite clear this is not up for discussion, negotiation, persuasion, or anything else.

And then keep saying it, every time he asks. Some men can be very determined, and try all kinds of tricks to push you around. He may start on the sob-story about how his wife doesn't understand him, he may get nasty about how you shouldn't have taken gifts from him if you weren't going to give him something in return. All of this is meant to make you feel guilty about your decision, and to make himself feel that you are in the wrong here, not him.

Be strong! If possible, stay calm. He's at fault here and has no hold over you unless you permit it.

[springydaffs]

sugar daddy: an elderly man who lavishes gifts on a younger woman (dictionary definition - though this usually means diamonds, yachts, apartments etc - not a tumble drier warranty).

ok he's not elderly (I assume) but he is acting like your dad - esp wrt 'not letting you' make a 'rash' decision. Maybe your relationship had this flavour about it ie you snuggled up to him as your big protector, which is what a dad should be.

It's hard when you're up against it and desperate for some shielding from life but he has abused your trust and vulnerability. Well done for being brave and ending this. He's probably in a dreamy funk about what a great, kind guy he is. Deluded - and a liar, to boot.

[ThatllDoPig]

Loads of great advice on here. I hope you can find the strength to end this for your sake and your sons. Don't waste your twenties with this situation,like peppermint says.. You will see this relationship very differently in the future. He has already decieved you and his wife. You don't need this man.

[Totallyconfuzzled]

Thank you for all the great advice

[Eurostar]

Hey - don't go thinking you owe him anything. He owes you for letting him play out being the hero for a while, helping out young single Mum in distress, live his little fantasy that he is free to do as he wants sexually and that he is a worthwhile human being for being such a helpful chap. He owes you for lying and twisting the truth.

Sorry this has happened to you, as another poster said, some of us get caught out when young as we happened not to have come from a place where any of our families or close friends to our knowledge treated others for their own ends and it's a damn shock when it lands in your lap. Sometimes I think having a Dad and/or brothers etc who were gents and who treated women well and didn't have affairs can make one more vulnerable to the bad uns as one isn't prepared for the lies and tricks of the users.

You sound dignified. Keep it up and wish you all the best in finding a better partner in life.

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

" Hey - don't go thinking you owe him anything. He owes you ... "

Exactly Eurostar !

[tigermoll]

If I was you, I would at least consider telling his wife. Not to get revenge on him, or to punish him, but because he is treating her badly.

I found out about my ex-partner's cheating ways when the OW got in touch with me. Like you, she was horrified to find out that the person she thought was her boyf was actually in a LTR with someone else.

I will always be grateful for the bravery and sisterhood she showed me by getting in touch.

[AbbyAbsinthe]

What have you done about it, OP?

[CuriousMama]

Ewww he's awful I do hope you can break free from him. You're a young lass get out there and find someone free. So sorry about your bastard ex though leaving you and ds

[CuriousMama]

And please ignore any advice on telling his wife. Do not do that! Let him get on with his silly life and leave her out of it.

[tigermoll]

I'm not disagreeing with you, CuriousMama (it probably is best just to cut him out of her life entirely, no getting involved with his marriage, etc) but I am curious, - is it ever the right thing to do to let the wife know?

Like I say, I'm only talking from personal experience, but I was grateful to be told.

[MarinaAzul]

I would say let the wife know, he has no right to treat her (or the OP) like this. He sounds very controlling.

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

But I think the OP needs to look after herself here - It's a big enough ask for her to just move on from this relationship and realise she deserves, and will find, better.

She doesn't want to be getting herself involved in the mess her ex (I hope he is by now) has made with the rest of his life.

I'm with curiousMama on that

[garlicnutter]

I agree with you all! I was really cheesed off to find out "everybody knew except me" and realised, too late, that people had been trying to tell me! Subtle hints didn't work, though, since I wasn't on the alert for them. I'd have preferred people to tell me properly. I have given the bad news to friends since then; they also said they'd rather know than not.

However ... this man's wife is no business of OP's. She doesn't owe her anything, any more than she owes him. I think she has quite enough to deal with already. Perhaps the person who told her should also tell his wife, but we'll only get to discuss that if she posts here ...

So I'd keep the whole thing at as a great a distance as possible if I were you, OP.