This seems like a nightmare. Am I OW??

[Totallyconfuzzled]

ok name changed for this.
I met a guy through work. He is much older than me. (old enough to be my dad and I'm in my early 20s) we met regularly through meetings, work parties etc even though we don't work in the same building. We got close and exchanged numbers about 4 months ago although I've known him about 2 years.
He texts me regularly telling me how in love with me he is and sends me and my son presents all the time (he is 4, disabled, never met him) just little things really but so sweet. He's the first person I call if I have a problem and he helps me through it all. He recently even just decided to buy me warranty for a year on my tumble dryer as it broke. I told him not to but he garbled on about money not being an issue for him.

Anyway I knew he has 2 kids (one my age) and he had separated from his wife years ago, at least I thought I did. I've never met his kids and he's never met mine. Way too early for any of that anyway.

So about a week ago someone I work with told me he still lives with his wife. I was totally confused and called him as soon as I got home. Yup it's true he says, but we are seperated, I haven't slept with her in years, we have separate rooms, we stay together for the kids and for financial benefits for her as she only works part time. I asked him if she knows about me, he said no it would hurt her in the same way finding out your ex was with someone new and he couldn't do that to her. He told me he'd never leave her 'in the lurch' and just wishes someone would come and sweep her off her feet so he could leave. I was totally confused at this point (still am) and asked him what it is he actually wants. He said he loves me and I said we'd have to just be friends. He said no, he loves me and he wants me.

In the end I just asked him what he wanted. He said he doesn't want me dating anyone else. He wants me to stay faithful to him. He will see me as often as he can but still live with his wife.

I really dont know what to do or think to be honest. I owe this man a lot. I would do anything for him and I think I believe him but what if it's a lie? What if he's lying and cheating and I'm the horrible nasty person who is ruining her marriage?

I feel sick. I've been on my own caring for my little boy and holding down a job since I was 18. I thought I'd found my knight in shining armour.

I owe him so much. I'm so confused

I'm not wavering. It's over for me. If he doesn't want to be with his wife that's up to him. But he obviously wants her around still and is treating her appallingly. I don't want to be part of that. I'm just going to tell him now and the same when/if he asks next week. He isn't separated by any definition and that isn't something I want. Thanks everyone. I'm a little bit silly when it comes to things like this. I had one serious relationship which resulted in me getting pregnant young. The dad left when he found out about the disabilities and I've not been with anyone since. I need to get a grip and stop trusting.

And treat you so badly? He has not treated you with respect.

This is ridiculous. It's up to you whether you want out of the relationship, although I can see why he thought you were persuadeable when you asked him all those questions. The whole point is that if his wife doesn't know they are separated and he's dating someone else, then he is very much a married man and you, the OW. Nothing he says about the intimacy or lack of it in their marriage, changes that unassailable fact.

Either you speak to his wife and get her to verify his story, or you back out and don't look back. There are no halfway measures here.

Love your latest post TC - Well done girl !

Just one thing - You don't have to stop trusting. Just make sure, now you're older and wiser, that next time you trust the right person

they don't sleep together, the reason was at first his snoring, but nie it's because he prefers it. I asked if she prefers it, he said no.

So they are not technically separated in the slightest as far as she is concerned

He doesn't get to decide what decision you make and whether it is rash or not is none of his business.

You do not have to talk to him next week if you do not want to. All you have to do is talk to him if necessary in a work related capacity.

He's a bullshit artist and you have made the right choice not to pursue this. I have to say, though, I don't think accepting gifts and men paying for your expenses (tumble drier) is the right thing to do and you should avoid in future.

I'd also keep a record of all his texts and messages in case he does turn nasty at work.

I love the way he expressly said he didn't want you to date anyone else whilst he still lives with his wife!

Don't be a sucker op. Now you know the truth. Shut down your availability for this man.

I know. In my defines though he said he was just going online to check if it was a normal prob that could be fixed (coins falling out of pockets or the like) then rang me up to tell me he had bought and arranged all that. He does that type of thing regularly. Picks up other people tabs etc etc. I thought it was because he was nice. It's probably to try and buy people though.

Defence sorry

Remember you cannot be bought TC. You owe him nothing. Whatever he gave you was given completely freely. You have been completely honest with him, but sadly the same cannot be said for him.

Run as fast as you can!

sends me and my son presents all the time (he is 4, disabled, never met him)

Sorry, don't get this, you never met your son?

Oh, HE'S never met him, sorry....

Why?

I would be VERY wary of the presents. What does he want?

Bottom line is he's lying to you (and treating his wife like sh*t)

What an utter utter toss-piece.

He's not going to let you make the decision to end the relationship? He doesn't get to decide! It is up to you!

Don't allow yourself to fall into a situation where this man is basically paying you for sex then going home to his unsuspecting wife. It will kill you inside. Take control of your life and send him packing!

WoW ! What a nasty control freak ! Teling you not to be rash ! How dare he?
Please ,for your own sake, have nothing more to do with him.
Tell his wife if he persists, he 'll leave you alone then.

Listen OP, don't think for one minute you are silly. At the risk of sounding like an old duffer(sigh, well I should probably just say I am one), I seriously wish I had your nous and your reasoning and logic at your age. I fell for an older man once many moons ago, and frankly, because I had been brought up without being taught to hurt and use other people, I expected everyone, including said man, to treat me as I treated them. He was very lovely, in lots of ways, but I found out to my cost that he was a liar and a rotten cheat to boot!

I wish I had had the sense and the bravery to canvass other people's opinions in the way you have done here(allowing for the fact that back in the day there was no MN!...Hell, no computers or mobiles...etc etc)

I said it before and it bears repeating-HE is the fool not you. Just dust yourself down and chalk it up to experience.

Yuck! Liar and a cheat. Don't sell yourself short.

You deserve so much better.

You sound lonely... he is banking on that. Get rid of him and work on yourself.

He has the script down perfectly.

He wont leave because of the kids, money, her state of mind, doesnt want to hurt her etc. But you must be faithful because he loves you and not her and "one day" he will be 100% yours. He wants someone to sweep her off her feet!

What a total tosser.

He is still having sex with her. He still loves her. And if by some weird chance she did actually leave him, he would be heartbroken and yes, he would come to you but in the back ground he would be calling and texting her begging her to give him another chance.

The only thing you owe him is a quick kick the happy sacks.

OP, you have done EXACTLY the right thing. I'm so sorry you fell for all this - but we've all believed stupid shit at some point...

Please try and stay strong on this, although you already do, tbh! You know what would be really good? Don't arrange to speak to him when it's at his convenience, the cheeky cunt. Tell him to fuck off. He's not worthy of you, love.

So sorry, Confuzzled.
The thing is, if he really loved you, knows that you want a proper long-term relationship, someone to settle with, then he would say one of two things:

1. I'm sorry, I can't offer what you want and need, so I can't ask you to not see other people etc, and it doesn't seem fair to keep seeing you - because I love you I don't want to keep you hanging on a string.
2. I want to be with you properly and forever, so I need to sort my life out and sort things out in a true and honest way with my wife, finish my marriage and then we can be together.

You've been strong and clear in putting an end to it - don't beat yourself up, why wouldn't anyone fall fro someon who was kind etc - now you have spotted some cracks you have taken action.

Well said, Bogeyface!!!

what does he mean he won't let you make a rash decision?

you can make any decision you like, rash or not

Send the following text

I will not be continuing in a relationship with you, because you are married and are cheating on your wife with me. You do not get to decide whether I finish this relationship, that is up to me. Any further communication must be within working hours and connected to work issues. Any communication from you that is outside that will be considered harrassment and treated as such. Go fuck yourself you cheating lying prick.

You might want to leave the last bit out, or not ;-)

Oh I'm liking Bogeyface's text a LOT.

Oh and you might want to add that you are considering discussing this with HR at work to avoid any unpleasantness. You will be able to smell him shitting himself from 500 miles away :o

Hang on. He won't LET you decide it? He won't LET you?? You're a grown woman and he's a bastard - he doesn't get to decide whether you're being fucking rash or not! God what a patronising knob jockey!