This seems like a nightmare. Am I OW??

[Totallyconfuzzled]

ok name changed for this.
I met a guy through work. He is much older than me. (old enough to be my dad and I'm in my early 20s) we met regularly through meetings, work parties etc even though we don't work in the same building. We got close and exchanged numbers about 4 months ago although I've known him about 2 years.
He texts me regularly telling me how in love with me he is and sends me and my son presents all the time (he is 4, disabled, never met him) just little things really but so sweet. He's the first person I call if I have a problem and he helps me through it all. He recently even just decided to buy me warranty for a year on my tumble dryer as it broke. I told him not to but he garbled on about money not being an issue for him.

Anyway I knew he has 2 kids (one my age) and he had separated from his wife years ago, at least I thought I did. I've never met his kids and he's never met mine. Way too early for any of that anyway.

So about a week ago someone I work with told me he still lives with his wife. I was totally confused and called him as soon as I got home. Yup it's true he says, but we are seperated, I haven't slept with her in years, we have separate rooms, we stay together for the kids and for financial benefits for her as she only works part time. I asked him if she knows about me, he said no it would hurt her in the same way finding out your ex was with someone new and he couldn't do that to her. He told me he'd never leave her 'in the lurch' and just wishes someone would come and sweep her off her feet so he could leave. I was totally confused at this point (still am) and asked him what it is he actually wants. He said he loves me and I said we'd have to just be friends. He said no, he loves me and he wants me.

In the end I just asked him what he wanted. He said he doesn't want me dating anyone else. He wants me to stay faithful to him. He will see me as often as he can but still live with his wife.

I really dont know what to do or think to be honest. I owe this man a lot. I would do anything for him and I think I believe him but what if it's a lie? What if he's lying and cheating and I'm the horrible nasty person who is ruining her marriage?

I feel sick. I've been on my own caring for my little boy and holding down a job since I was 18. I thought I'd found my knight in shining armour.

I owe him so much. I'm so confused

[MarinaAzul]

Ask him to introduce you to his wife !
He is an old codger, you owe him nothing except a cool, polite 'Good
bye'.

[bubblechristmaspop]

Yes you are the OW.

Yes people do live these separated lives. He isn't he is clearly still with her as man and wife, or so she thinks........

He wants op as his "faithful" mistress, whilst the wife at home, is the wife, the sign of his success, virility, running the family home with kids.

I mean seriously who the fuck does he think he is? Henry the VIII?

[KatieScarlett2833]

Exactly PeppermintPasty

It's only OK if both husband and wife agree that dating others is acceptable.

Which is not what is going on here.

[Totallyconfuzzled]

Ok I'm not sure what I'm going to say but I told him I need to talk to him and turns out he left early (he usually leaves after my son is asleep) he said it's because of the bad weather. I hope I'll be able to talk to him on the phone and not just through texts though...

[Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast]

I'd end all communication right now if i was you, change your numbers etc, take no more to do with this cheating lying scumbag!!

Because he IS lying to you, he IS still living as a husband to his wife and they are NOT separated in anyway, he just likes having his cake and eating it!!

[KatieScarlett2833]

Just say "Goodbye"

And mean it.

[WhoIsThatMaskedWoman]

If he is prepared to introduce you to his wife, who confirms his story, then we take it all back.

Otherwise, I think AMumInScotland's response cannot be improved upon, and perhaps a browse of the job columns (if you can't find an equally good job then you shouldn't feel obliged to leave, but it might make your life easier).

[garlicnutter]

He wants you as a mistress. It looks as though he established this some time ago, but forgot to get your open agreement to it. Now he's come clean.

I think it will harm you to remain in the situation, so I feel you should end it for your sake, no-one else's.

You owe him nothing. You were not selling your services, and he'd be very dishonest to suggest you were. You accepted gifts from a friend, whom you believed was free to make them. Now the real deal's on the table, you choose not to accept it.

He won't make things difficult for you at work - if he wants you out the way, he's more likely to promote you away. Give him a few days to calm down, then review the situation with him and on here. Good luck!

[waterrat]

OP have you seen the other thread on here 'Husband had an affair, how can I get over OW coming into our house' - it is the mirror image of this thread...she has discovered her husband kept her a secret...I think you should read it.

[Totallyconfuzzled]

I have seen that thread. It's terrible I can't imagine how she's feeling. I just can't imagine him doing that to someone...but...I guess that's what he wants me to think and I should stop being a fool. Waiting for my son to be asleep before I call him. I don't want to get emotional in front of him.

[notanotherstatistic]

Totally I suspect that he is now telling you the truth, but he has still deceived you. He should have made you aware of his domestic situation from the very beginning. It may well be that he and his wife are technically separated, but he is not in a situation to pursue the relationship that you want, so whether he is telling the truth is completely moot.

Also, do you really want a relationship with someone who can systematically lie to you, to his wife, and to his children?

[Molasses]

Oh, this exact thing happened to me in my early twenties. I was totally fooled by him because I couldn't believe people could be such lying shits. They can be and he is. Get out now and know he is the only one in the wrong here. Best wishes x

[KatieScarlett2833]

Notanother His wife does not know that they are "technically separated". Therefore he is no more separated than my arse is from my back.

[bubblechristmaspop]

This man isn't technically separated at all. He is living with his wife as her husband. That's why he won't tell her. As far as the wife is aware they are very much still married. Clearly.

[FellatioNelson]

He may think of himself as separated, but my bet is that his wife does not. Sleeping in separate bedrooms is not proof of the end of a marriage. Never having sex is not proof of the end of a marriage. He may love you, but until he is prepared to be more honest and open with you and with his wife he is nothing more than a common adulterer.

[sternface]

Ugh. You don't need a 'knight in shining armour'. You do need better self esteem than to let a man old enough to be your Dad buy you things and expect something in return. You've been coy about what's actually happened between you, but I'm assuming you're having sex with him, if he demanded fidelity.

I think you knew there was a possibility that he was still married and don't actually believe you thought he was definitely living apart from his wife. I think you just chose not to ask any questions, so you wouldn't have to feel responsible for being an OW. I bet there's a part of you wishing that the work colleague hadn't told you, then you could have gone on deluding yourself that what you didn't know, couldn't harm you. Sorry, but I don't think anyone's that naive.

Now you know and you can't hide from it, end it. He told you lies, if only by omission. But I think you both knew that this was a game of 'ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies' and you'll just have to pretend to him that you really were that naive.

[mouldyironingboard]

He's using one of the oldest tricks in the book by telling you that he is separated from his wife. I'm sorry that you have been lied to but now that you know the truth it's time to do the decent thing and think about his poor wife who has no idea what this scumbag is up to.

Tell him to contact you once he has a decree absolute - I guarantee that you will never hear from him again.

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

Dear TC,

I agree with posters who've said please don't waste your twenties continuing in this relationship. You were very young & bringing up a child on your own when you began this relationship. You don't owe him anything. You are older and wiser now, and need to say, as someone else posted,
"No, I don't want to continue with this relationship because it is not what I believed it to be You, very understandably took "seperated" to mean "not living
together anymore" - that is the usual meaning of the word OP.

You will be so much happier if you are able to move on from this relationship TC - There will be other relationships in your future - you sound a lovely & kind person.

As for work - Yes, Just say it didn't work out. People will know why and respect you for it. Good luck

[fuzzynavel]

Judging by what the OP has said in her last post, he's already running!

Hope you were that naive OP and not swayed by his status.

[Totallyconfuzzled]

Ok we have spoken. You were all right I'm an idiot. I tried to just end it and he said 'I won't let you make a rash decision on this.' so I asked if he would be honest if I asked personal questions to help me n he said yes. To his credit I think he was.

He can't remember the last time they were intimate.they don't sleep together, the reason was at first his snoring, but nie it's because he prefers it. I asked if she prefers it, he said no. I asked if they kiss, cuddle etc. He said peck good morning, peck good night.

They've been together 30 years. Married 20. It sounds like a proper marriage to me. But he won't let me make a rash decision so I have to talk to him next week. I'm gutted I've done this to that poor woman

[bubblechristmaspop]

You really think he was honest, about no intamacy etc? Oldest line in the book. He's been lying to you both.

But if it helps you to sleep better to believe him.....

Op he is a shit.

[Doha]

Who is he to decide when and if you want to end it. TWAT with a dreadful sense of entitlement.
This man is a cheat to his wife and a liar to you.

Now you know the truth you should delete his number and have no further conversation with him about it. As far as you are concerned it's over.

If you are waivering think of his poor wife -totally oblivious to this twats behaviour, and you now oficially the OW. A title you neither want or deserve.

Both you and his wife deserve better

[notanotherstatistic]

Ah, the "technically separated" statement was because I failed to read the original post properly: I assumed that he had said that they had a mutually agreed arrangement of staying together for the sake of the kids. Yes, this bloke's situation is as clear as mud.

Anyway, my point was that regardless of how much of what he is saying is the truth, he has deceived you, *Totally, about his situation, and has said that he won't leave his wife. Why would you want to be with someone who would give you so little?

[JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh]

It was probably good and helpful to you to speak to him about this on the phone. But agree, what right does he have not to listen to you when you are ending the relationship. I think the best thing to do would definitely be just text him to say "It is over, as I said when we spoke on the phone."

Difficult though it will be at first, it's time to be very brave and move on.

Good luck OP. Try my favourite song "I will survive" - google on YouTube