DH left last night been having affair for a year

[OtherwiseKnownAsSheilaTheGreat]

Can't really type as feeling shakey and numb, couldn't sleep. We've been together for 13 years married for 8. Two DS's 1 and 3 years. Has come out of blue. Phoned in sick to work today, how am I going to get through this?

I'm so sorry

How awful for you. You are in shock.

Do you have RL support? Please don't feel you can't reach out to people - they will want to help you. Are you on your own?

Luckily (but sadly) you are in the right place as many other warm and wise posters have been in your shoes and will come to hold your hand.

You will get through this.

x

I'm really so sorry. Didn't want to read and not reply to you. It's early yet but there will be lots of people along who have been through similar. Of course you will get through this. Is there anyone you can phone in rl?

Oh love I am so sorry - please find someone today to come and keep you company, please don't be alone.

You will of course get through this but the shock of this alone is massive and you need tea and sympathy at the mo. Please do try and eat properly (it is a small thing but hard I know but it will help you feel physically better than if you don't eat)

Thinking of you and your dcs today x

How awful! Get some help, call you family/close friends, neighbours. Were the children sopposed to go to nursery? still send them so you can have some space. Make sure you eat something too.

What an arse. Where is he?

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. This happened to a good friend of mine after 10 years of marriage and two ds. She is now so much happier, in a new relationship, and glad to be rid of him. I know it's too soon to feel that now but with time you'll be ok.

Bloody Hell OP, I can't imagine how gutted you must feel. I hope you have some good friends and family near you to help you.

You hear about these scenarios time and time gain - what is wrong with these men? (And occasionally women, but usually men). And with such a young family, the f**kwit.

There will be many many people on here who will have been through/are going through your same situation so please don't feel that you are on your own, you will no doubt get some superb advice on here some of it not strictly legal but tempting nonetheless

I would be inclined to get some legal advice ASAP regarding custody arrangements, the house, bank accounts etc, I'm not saying file for divorce but it may help to feel in control a bit more by arming yourself with as many facts as possible iykwim.

Thanks everyone. Think he's gone to woman's house but wouldn't tell me as it would 'be unfair on everyone'. He took the car but left the car seats. Mums coming round told her this morning but she's a flapper. Will take the kids to nursery in mums car. Keep posting, need the help.

What a twat. Thinking of you.

Well you know its all very new and exciting to him and her but once she has him all the time plus his dirty washing she may have second thoughts. Do you know who she is? not that it matters but I would want to know.

Can't believe he took the car! Do you need it?

Oh my lovely.

Write yourself a to do list while the children are at nursery then you can at least give your mum a task if she's a flapper!

Off the top of my head:

1. call the bank re: joint bank accounts - make sure you have access to money
2. call the council tax people - you will get a single occupancy discount from next month and you might be glad of it.
3. find a solicitor - you should get an hour free and no one is saying file for divorce but sort out where you stand and what's happening.
4. have a think about access / custody arrangements. You'll need to talk to H at some point about it.
5. does your mum cook? Get her to make dinner so you can gave a proper meal later and you don't have to think about it.

Do you need the car?

Tea, rest and hugs is my prescription.

The hugs are easy with your two! Tea, that you can do. Rest, I do not mean to suggest that you need long term convalescence just time to yourself for the moment. I an si glad your mother is coming over. Use her flapping! She will want to be busy, think of stuff that would help. Perhaps a couple of meals for the freezer?

Now the hard bit. You must take care of your dc. Look at your money situation. Make sure you have access, move some so only you cab have access. You do not have to be nasty, just practical. If you manage to do that today you are doing fantastically well. If challenged by the silly man just point out you are not hiding money, merely enduring children's safety while everything is worked out.

Please tell friends etc too. Let them help you. This is so painful. You will be ok, and you will be happy, but not overnight :-(

As for that silly stupid man try and have as little to do with him as poss. Try and avoid engaging with him at all in any level right now ( this is where friends can really help).

Oh I feel for you. This is going to be tough. Please have a virtual hug and cuppa. X

PotteringAlong great list. I am out for most of the day now but will check how you are doing later.

Oh how horrible for you....you must be feeling dreadful. Try to look after yourself...you are number one as you are the one who has the Dc....they WLL be fine with you....although it looks very bad now and feels terrible, there WILL come a day when you are over this moment...when you look back and wonder how you managed with this man. He has done a terrible thing...you have not.

I will check back and as someone else said, there are many women on here who will hold your hand all the way through as they've been there too. xxx

How awful for you

I agree with Pottering along too. If you can, try and get some practical things done today. Definitely make the most of your mum being around.

What an absolute knob. You WILL be ok, and you will come out of the other end feeling much better.

Use mum to do the laundry and get a big shop in. Do you feel angry enough to pack up some of his clothes and move them out of your bedroom or is the even thought of that too much right now.

Don't be so brave.that you can't have a good old sob. Or big hugs from your babies x

not got much advice to lend here, but adding my voice of support, if you need to vent privately you are MORE than welcome to PM me. I promise to reply when I get home from my flat viewing ((hugs))

Sheila, how awful! I'm so sorry! Keep posting and everyone will be here to support you.

Okay a list for your Mum: Take kids to Nursery (maybe tell Nursery manager/keyworker).
Do washing.
Do shopping/ housework
Make dinner for tonight.
If you can't bear it, she can pack his stuff from your bedroom, and store it somewhere.
She can also act as a personal chauffeur if you want.

You: Contact bank/s, an building societies, try to make sure you have enough to survive for the short term, and freeze savings accounts.
Contact Mortgage just to inform them.
Contact Council for Council tax reduction.
Make sure you know where Passports, etc. are. Make copies of bank statements, insurance documents, life insurance etc. (especially any in his name).
Try to talk to a solicitor, but don't necessarily just opt for the first one in the phone book, if you know anyone who has gone through this recently ask them for a recommendation.
I would let HR/your boss know what is going on.
EAT
Drink lots of tea (or whatever).
Don't worry about crying.
Hug the kids.

You can do it!

Just got back from dropping the kids at nursery. Staying in bedroom as H phoned to say he's bringing back the car and taking some stuff. Will embark on practical stuff shortly, mums gone back to hers for a bit only 10 mins away. Thank you for your messages it's helping so much x

Bringing back the car as in you can have it or just to load his stuff in? What a bloody fuckwit - try and have someone else there when he comes around, have a you a non flappy friend you can call that would help?

Poor you, what a dick, sorry you have to go through this.

Poor you. Big hugs. And an extra one.

I hope he's leaving the car!!

knobber

I agree you need someone with you when he comes round. Hope he is leaving you the car.
Glad your dcs are being looked after.
Get your mum to come back asap you shouldn't be on your own.

This will sound very very mercenary, however, do not let him have any paperwork RE banks/money till you have had a chance to look through everything.

Take a copy of his payslip and P60 and seriously I'd apply to the CSA immediately as you are now living apart. If you have his NI number, name and address of his workplace it will make the application so much easier.

Make sure you keep hold of your childrens passports and birth certificates as well.

To be honest I'd have binliners of his stuff ready for him outside the front door.

But then I'm a hardfaced bitch.

Also regarding freezing joint savings accounts, ensure you back up your spoken request with a written request, I thought I had frozen my accounts but apparently the bank forgot to do it.

Infact I'd change d/d's relating to your house to a bank account under your sole name and ensure you have enough money to be getting on with and then freeze all bank accounts.

Rally friends around, or at least tell one very close, practical friend.