DH left last night been having affair for a year

[OtherwiseKnownAsSheilaTheGreat]

Can't really type as feeling shakey and numb, couldn't sleep. We've been together for 13 years married for 8. Two DS's 1 and 3 years. Has come out of blue. Phoned in sick to work today, how am I going to get through this?

I am very sorry, love

Please take note of the practical financial advice detailed above

You have to protect you and the kids, I doubt your H will do it

Fuzzywuzzy - wish I had been a hard faced bitch when this happened to me. I agree with your advice. Op you need to be practical because the man you thought you knew so well will almost certainly makesure he looks after number one.

I would have to agree that just put some stuff in bags for him rather than letting him come in and rifle through everything - do it on your terms. All he needs is his clothes - give them to hi and then sort through paperwork at your own pace - this is really good advice.

hard faced bitch = protecting yourself

OP, try your best to see out of the shock and disbelief

this is real, and many women get utterly shafted by men they thought they could trust

don't let that happen to you

Another shit man being totally selfish. How can they live with themselves? You will get through it because you have to! It happened to me 4 years ago although my dc's were older. All the advice you have been given is good. Wish I had known those things. I didn't work for 2 weeks. Had a very understanding employer. Friends and family got me through it. Unfortunately, 3 months later he broke up with "his soulmate, the love of his life" and I foolishly took him back. He has just left again. This time I feel very different and know I am better off without him. You will be feeling numb, sick, helpless and so, so, so tired. You will start to feel better once you begin to take control. Don't let him bully you when he comes round. Just be matter of fact. Very difficult I know. Take care. Hope things turn out the way you want them to. Don't let people tell you what you should do. Do what you think is best for you.

Agree with fuzzy, he has no right to come around and go rifling through stuff - it was his decision to leave so tough shit.
I would definitely leave him a bag of clothes, toiletries and his passport. He doesn't need anything more until you manage to sort things out more practically.
Absolutely do not let him take any paperwork etc - in fact I wouldn't even let him in, and would be getting a locksmith around pronto. Let him take you to court if he wants access to gthe house. The twat.

I'm so sorry. I know it's early days for all this, but if it helps a friend of mine is going through this now. Her selfish fool of a husband, with his massive sense of entitlement has been having an affair for almost a year.

She discovered it a few weeks ago, and she told me that already her life has changed for the better. She has moved her and her dc's into a lovely new rented house and is being positive about Christmas. She has her down days, she tells me, but knows these will pass. She is leaning like crazy on all her friends and family, and that's what you must do if you can. Keep talking about it, you need time to process it all and make sense of it.

xxx

OP this is a horrible shock. I had the same shock when my kids were 1 and 3. At first you will be in shock then angry and sad but as time goes on you will get out the other side. There will be bad days, but those will pass and also they will become less frequent. Always think when you are having a bad day that it will pass and you will be OK. Keep posting, lots of people will help you.

If I get shirty about him coming round he's going to get nasty I can sense it. I want to pack up all his stuff but he doesn't want it all, don't think he wants to frighten this woman off by turning up with loads of stuff iyswim. I've phoned my boss, she's been fab and given me the rest of the week off. Am now off to the doctors as I need something to help me sleep tonight. Never taken sleeping pills or anti depress, but can't face lying there again all night tonight. When I get back will pack everything up and put it in garage have also taken down wedding photos. Got a good group of friends in the village, will send them all a group e mail I think. Theyve all got partners and children, I feel like a failure. What's wrong with me? Know this is not logical. Need to get as much done as possible today because it's the only day the kids are both at nursery. Will think about phoning solicitors when I get back from docs. We've only got joint account, I haven't got any accounts of my own. The mortgage is in joint names. Luckily we don't have any debts. He did leave the car, took a few bits and got bus to wherever he's going.

Hello, I could not read and run after hearing your story. My ex husband left me after 10 years of being together for someone else, leaving me with the kids age 1 and 3 at the time. It was a total shock, he had his faults but I had always always trusted him 100%, which made it so much hardr to bare.

I expect you will be feeling shocked to the core at the moment. Please lean on your friends and family, my best friend was my absolute rock, and she dragged me through it and out the other side. Practically, I would get on to the tax credits people and start a new claim as a single person - this can take a couple of weeks to sort out as you need to sign a new form. I would also go on to the CSA website and use their calculator to get an idea of how much maintenance he should be giving you. You can then get him to agree to that amount privately, or continue a claim through the CSA. You will also need to have a think about access to the children, perhaps get some legal advice on this?

It is a lot to think about at the moment and ypur head must be spinning, take each day as it comes. I wont lie to you, the next few months will be an emotional rollercoaster, but I can safely say, 5 years down the line, I am completely happy and independent. Keep posting, we will all help you as we can.

Can you atleast take enough cash out of the J/A incase he plays silly buggers and takes it all? That happened to another MNer only this week.

You can open bank accounts online and usually just need to take passport/driving license to your local branch to prove your identity to activate. You should be up and running with cards etc within two weeks, and you will have an account number to give to C/B and Tax Credits (if you get them now and if you dont then claim!) so you are sure you get the money and not him. i have opened Halifax and Natwest accounts online and both were quick and easy. For peace of mind, I would choose a bank that you dont currently have anything to do with in terms of your current accounts and mortgage.

Take care sweetheart, I am thinking of you.

As the others have said, you will get through this.

hugs xxxx

Afer reading your last message, I would also add, get down to the bank and open your own account for your child benefit and tax credits to get paid into. Then you can ask him to pay maintenance into that account. Then you can begin to transfer bills over to your name. I would get legal advice about the mortgage. You should be entitled to stay in the house until your youngest is 18.

You're not a failure - HE has failed you and the DCs.

It sounds like you are being v proactive, which is excellent. Well done x

You are not the failure.

Regardless of whether you were having difficulties, it was HIS decision to cheat. His alone, you had no say in it.

It is natural to think you are a failure but you absolutely are not. The cheating is 100% down to him. The identity of the other woman is fairly well irrelevant and don't compare yourself to her. If you can't help it, perhaps consider that you trump her on the most important issues: morals and humanity.

You and your children are the priority.

What Fuzzywuzz said and ninja
Don't let him in the house again
What a bastard :(

It's a good idea to send an email to your friends, all together.

Doesn't matter what he does/doesn't want to take. Grab those binbags, stick in them stuff that you want shot of, as well as the basics and bung it out the door. Now is all about you.
As well as the practical stuff, make yourself a little nest - blanket and sofa, sleeping in DCs bedroom on the mattress or wherever is a little bit womb like. Don't sweat the housework - ready meals, simple stuff for you and the DCs - a DvD for you in the evening and a silly one for the 3yo. Your boss sounds fab btw and your friends too. Do things at the right pace for you and the DCs. Silly twunt of H he will wake up shortly and realise life with OW isn't a bed of roses, but that is his problem. If possible get him to communicate via your mum or a friend, not you - cuts down on emotional currents between you two. ((hugs))

he is the failure

he has failed as a husband, as a father, and as a decent member of the human race

the shame is his

You are not a failure, you will find as the shock wears off that you start recalling things about him that weren't so wonderful.

Also I just remembered, when you open your own bank account notify your HR team at work immediately, you don't need a months worth of pay ending up in a frozen bank account.

If this helps, I divorced ex (or twatface as he is known amongst friends and family) four years ago, on the day he left I was bagging up his stuff and came across an envelope which contained re-mortgage papers, he'd remortgaged the marital home for four times the original amount and was due to complete in two days (he'd also withdrawn all the money from our joint mortgage account effectively leaving me with a mortgage twice the amount I had already paid off - I had a woolwich one account mortgage), I was hysterical and begged the mortgage company not to do it (they stopped it immediately). He also cleared out the joint bank accounts ( the next day) leaving me and my girls then aged 4 and 2.5 with exactly no money, a massively overdrawn account with increasing charges as direct debits from utility bills started bouncing incurring insane charges each time. I also had a broken boiler and it was the middle of the coldest winter we had had in a while.

And now get this... I'm an accountant (gosh how he tried to use that against me in court)!

You're not a failure, you've loved this man and trusted him as anyone does with their spouse.

Ring around to solicitors as well and get free consultations, you don't have to divorce him, but you do need to know your legal position .... also I found that being the applicant in divorce proceedings is infinitely better than being the repsondant.

Do tell your friends, I leaned heavily on one very close friend and work all rallied around, I'd have been utterly broken if not for great friends and a loving family.

And change the locks.

Op-I am so sorry that you are being treated so shittily by someone you thought you could trust.

I can only say ditto to what everyone else has already said-get to the bank to ooen your own account. I would also be clearing the joint account of a decent amount of money to see you through the nect couple of weeks just in case he does start playing silly buggers.

GO SEE A LAWYER ASAP-this is very important. Knowledge is power in these situations.

Do not make it easy for him to swan off and start anew-make it as difficult as fecking possible. Lets see how happy he is in his new life when he realises what it actually entails eh?

Please do not think of your self as a failure-the only person who has failed is him. He has failed you as a husband and your dcs as a father-he should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.Fucker.

Ok, bagged up all his stuff and put it in the garage, made me feel more in control. Made spag Bol for kids, will pick them up at 5. Changed the bed, done some washing and hoovered. How do I explain this to my 3 year old? H is in the police so the kids are used to him being away at all hours. But questions will come soon.

Don't the police have some sort of welfare organisation it might be worth you contacting, especially if you think he is going to turn nasty. Is OW in the force too ? Do the police need to know what's going on re his ability to do his job etc ?

Yes ow works for police, but not sure whether she's uniform or civilian, he won't tell me anything, except I don't know her.

Do you think his superiors need to know ? I think they would take a very dim view of this which is why he is not letting on much. Him and her getting it on whilst on duty .......