DH left last night been having affair for a year

[OtherwiseKnownAsSheilaTheGreat]

Can't really type as feeling shakey and numb, couldn't sleep. We've been together for 13 years married for 8. Two DS's 1 and 3 years. Has come out of blue. Phoned in sick to work today, how am I going to get through this?

Yes, he is too thick to realize that the only reason that other woman seems attractive to him, is because she has no kids, and she does not have to live the daily drudgery of a family: diaper changes, regurgitated milk, tantrums, and the lot. If he goes on to have children with her, he will soon have an epiphany. And there'll be another family abandoned.

That man is not suitable to be a father. I am so sorry. Yes, things will get much, much better. I know many women who have been in your situation, and they are now happy, either on their own and enjoying freedom, or with a new man who is a good person and knows his priorities. Hang on there!

You do an HOUR at a time, sweetheart, not a day. And then you do the next one.

Kids dinners - tbh, my parents cooked for me for the first month. I lived off caffeine, nicotine and soup.

You could make soup (tins) and cheese on toast, jacket potatoes and beans, cheese, things you just make and put in an oven - pasta bake. When you do make things, make double - there will be days when you need to do that.

When you wake up, get up, do something. Bed in the middle of the night, newly alone, is frankly, a vile 'place' to be in. Tidy up that kitchen drawer, read a book, then go back to bed.

you will be tired. Tired in your bones.

But i PROMISE you, you will be ok. You will.

I know what they will 'do' next eats you - fuck him, and fuck what he does. He will reap what he has sown, believe you me, darling. Your world is your world now, not his to have, share - get that poker face on and that steel wall UUP

You have you, your children.

I know it seems 'nothing' now, but these are the things that WILL see you through, i promise.

Couldn't just read this and not reply. I really hope you start to feel more settled soon, everyone's advice has been amazing and I have little to add other than I think you're being really strong and you WILL get through this.

One of my best friends went through pretty much exactly the same thing (only the affair had been going on behind her back for 3 years). She found out about it two years ago now, and whilst at the beginning it was incredibly difficult for her, she is honestly happier now than I have ever known her (and I have known her since she was 14!)

In terms of tea, don't worry about it, get whatever is about that is easy for you - cereal even - the kids will probably see it as an exciting change.

Keep strong. Look after you and your kids, and lean on those around you.

xx

I look back and thank goodness the twat had an affair and set me free in the most unsancamoanius way.

I love my life and I love being single and shutting my front door and not having to answer to anyone.

It will get easier every day - though they will always be days which are difficult.

grieve for what could have been and then move on.

And FWIW - here is my story. I was left at 38 weeks pregnant, with my 4th baby, (exactly to the day), 2 years ago, after an 8 year relationship inc 2 years marriage, also affairs involved, one with a teenaged 'girl'.

I gave birth without him, I breastfed still, i BLOODY did it and that badge shines now

I just want you to know, i know how you feel. Entirely. Ask away if you have any worries.

I live in a village near norwich, Norfolk. I'm having occasional glimpses of optimism but loads of dread. Still doing ok with house, have washed up, washing clothes, a bit of tidying. Going to friends tomorrow morning after dropping ds1 at pre school. Will take ds2. Nothing planned for afternoon, will see if I can find something. Thanks everyone, your messages are helping so much.

Well done for your house and washing :)

(i know how big a job it suddenly feels)

Men so often see other women and think they are more glamorous and sexy etc, but it's because the fantasy hasn't been tainted yet by reality - I hope that with him going to live with her he will quickly realise that she too has off-white granny pants on her clothes horse, does poos before he needs to use the bathroom and has days where she looks like sh*t because she has got a cold or whatever. Relationships are so different when you live together, and who is to say that he won't get bored of her and cheat on her in a years time?

You deserve better than this bloke, from your posts you sound like a lovely, intelligent woman and I have a funny feeling that this will end up really working out for you.

Ah, many miles from me. Why do you lovely people who just need a bit of handholding have to live so far away

I think it a major achievement you have tidied up

Any day you don't even manage that would not be a surprise, nor a crime, to me

I know a man who has 5 children by 2 different women, conceived in backwards/forwards "I don't know what I want" fuckwittery

he is paying so much maintenance, he weeps and gnashes his teeth, he is "depressed", his "life is ruined" (diddums)

he has been demoted at work because his private life spills over into his professional one...he has been charged with drink driving, assault on his wife/girlfriends, had injunctions taken out against him

he has lost the respect of all around him

and still he blames everything/everyone else other than himself

whereas, if he had just kept his dick in his pants, none of this would have "happened to him"

yes, he is an officer of the law (by the skin of his pearly gnashers)

Oh and just be warned - he will at some point ask to have you back. Don't think of this now but in 6-7 months maybe a little more he will come back and ask if he can come home. Just remember how you feel now and whether you want to go through that all over again after 6-7 month of rebuilding yours and the dc lives.

I actually splurted out a laugh I was so shocked by the stupidity of his question and he looked so hurt. I hadn't meant to be cruel it was just I had started to sort my life out and had also given birth to our baby without him - though I didn't breast feed - my badge doesn't shine so brightly

There's a fab Facebook group for Norwich mumsnetters...pm me if you want an invite. We meet up for lunch and stuff

ivy - not meant in that way, just a general shininess for doing it alone

I am keen to share shiny badges of all types in these types of situations

He seems so relieved to be free I can't imagine him ever asking to come back. But I want to look great and be super confident so he at least realises I'm not just his cast off. However looking great seems so exhausting at the moment. Btw his dad did this three times. Left his first wife (h's mum) when baby was 10 months, left second wife when baby was 6 weeks old, left third partner when kids were 2 years, and 6 months. Left 3rd wife in 1998, but did get back with her and they are still together ( but don't seem very close). It seems obvious now that he would do this, but we got together in 1998 and he was crying in my arms when he heard his dad had left third family. Didn't speak to him for months. Wtf?

That is, he didnt speak to his dad for months.

Oh Sheila I'm so sorry. You seem very brave and are dealing with all this brilliantly. I would still be in bed hiding under the covers.
I would just like to say that your ex husband is a shit.
There.

I really feel for you and had to tell you that things will get better. There will be some incredibly shitty times in the short term but in the long term it will be ok. I went through a similar experience when DD1 was 2 and DD2 8months. I shall never forget the hollowness I felt in those early days. One minute you think your whole future is mapped out then suddenly it is swept away and you feel like you have no control over any of it.

You sound like you are managing to be so strong and composed. What kept me going through the worst times was the thought that I was so much better off because I had found out the truth about my XH's character. I could have lived that lie for years with him deceiving me but instead like ivy mentions I had been set free to start again and find happiness again without my XH dragging me down. There were lots of issues in our relationship and he was a pretty awful dad. I did practically everthing. But I know I would have tried to make things work for the sake of our DC, for years probably. His affair in fact threw me a lifeline.

Two years on I am so much happier than I was when I was with him. I don't have to dread him coming home from work and being completely negative and dismissive of our DC. I don't have to feel like I am dragging an unwilling person along, trying to constantly persuade him to love us. It was unbelievably exhausting. My DC and I enjoy life together,while my XH lives his no commitments lifestyle, maybe with the OW (I don't ask and if they are still together, more fool her) and most probably enjoys it much more than he did life with us. His choice. His loss. Yes it is hard having to do most things for the DC myself, but I was doing that when we were together.

One more thing, I thought my chances of having another relationship would have been entirely scuppered by having such young DC but was amazed to find that this is not the case as I have a lovely BF. I'm not looking to rush into another serious relationship but it is good to have some adult company sometimes.

Keep strong Sheila and like others have said, take one hour at a time.

It looks like he is modelling his father. He will move on from this silly OW too and so on and ,hopefully, will end up alone.

keep strong

don't worry what you look like for now - in a couple of weeks have a spa day with a friend to try to relax, get your nails and hair done etc.

don't ask him where he is or where he is living - you don't actually need to know, you really don't. Plus eventually he will let you know so what?

a decent solicitor will listen to you and let you know that when you are ready to start the divorce - they will be ready to be instructed. A good solicitor will not push you and will understand plenty of woman don't proceed. They will wait for your call.

I would just inform him that he will have the dc every month for the weekend when he isn't working and one night every week when he isn't on shift and this should start as soon as possible.

Morning Sheila just wanted to check in and say good morning

Please don't worry about how you look it's an added pressure you do not need to put on yourself - it's what we all do but in this early stage you have enough on your plate without trying to be Angelina! From what you post here you are acting with grace and putting your boys first those are beautiful qualities that no amount of dieting, fake tan and lashes can compete with. As said before in a few weeks or whenever have a spa day with lots of bubbles! But for now (especially with how brilliantly you're doing) looks and appearance are not important. PJs are the norm

Know you're dreading work but it will take your mind off things promise

Just wanted to check in and say Keep Going :)

You do not need to rush a divorce, I have been separated 2 years and its only now nearly finalised, it can actually be straight forward the longer you leave it (but then again we had limited tied finances and agreed on DC very early on)

Forget about what you look like - why do anything 'for' him?

Hope you slept okay last night? How are you feeling?

Feeling better today than yesterday. Glad it's sunny. Been with friends this morning, I don't think I'll ever be able to repay everyone's kindness. Also talked to tax credit people. They said I may be entitled to £181 a week based on my income of £12500. Does this sound right? I forget to ask what difference it would make how much money H gives me a month. It seems like an amazing amount of money but too good to be true?

Yippee I hope it is right. I really don't know but I know someone who got something similar with maintenance also being paid.

You don't have to repay them - that's what friends are for I'm sure you would or have done the same for them.

I thought the same about the sunshine this morning a ram packed trip round sainsburys soon got rid of the sunshine feeling though Christmas trolley rage is upon us - ha this might make you laugh .... A man with a trolley FULL of booze was behind me without me knowing and I turned around and sort of jiggled his bottles I said sorry and smiled he looked like this I let it go and then thought actually that was bloody rude so in a raised voice said "patience is a virtue!" ha all the old ladies dotted around laughed and smiled at me

Grumpy drinker 0 Slightly clumsy mum 1

Oooh well done for tackling the money side of things. I hope its right too - I don't think that maintenance affects the tax credits, but Im sure someone else will be along who will know better than me soon.

Im glad you are feeling bit better today, the next few months are going to be a rollercoaster so just take the good and keep your chin up for the bad. We are all here willing you on through the computer, and it sounds like you have some great RL support too.

As nemo said, keep on swimming.... you're doing great so far from the sounds of things, and you are in the process of putting your family in a fantastic position so that when he falls flat on his face (and he will) you can smile down on him with dignity and strength and he will realise all that he has lost. You're doing fab x

Cheers and whoops at what sillymilly said.