DH left last night been having affair for a year

[OtherwiseKnownAsSheilaTheGreat]

Can't really type as feeling shakey and numb, couldn't sleep. We've been together for 13 years married for 8. Two DS's 1 and 3 years. Has come out of blue. Phoned in sick to work today, how am I going to get through this?

Morning, OP.

I don't have much time this morning, but wanted to check in.

Yes, talk to him away from your home. Keep it on neutral territory. Your home is now your sanctuary and he shouldn't be polluting it wih his idiotic justifications and attempts to excuse himself for the inexcuseable.

Stay away from his workplace..this kind of thing is tolerated, I am afraid and you will be painted as the hysterical wronged woman.

Your dignity is now a precious commodity, and you should preserve it as much as possible. Your self esteem will thank you (in the long run) for that.

Will check in later. x

Hello Sheila

You have had some great advice from other posters and its sounds like you are really doing well under the circumstances. I feel for you darling. My erstwhile DH, not divorced, left me 15 months ago in the middle of IVF to find himself (i.e, he had been finding himself under and on top of a woman from work for some time). I as blindsided, hormonal, in a different country (still am) and made a lot of rooky mistakes. To that end here are things that I would advise you to consider. It seems too much to take on in these early days but I wish I had the wisdom/sad understanding of how someone can 'turn' 15 months ago.

• Ensure that any financial settlement in relation to the sale of the home has a clause in about falling market/is not final until home is sold....i am in the position where our finances were finalised on basis of what housing market was 12 months ago - net net, house not sold, I will not get nearly as much money as I originally thought when signed deal....big big mistake (and I think recession is looming again in the UK)
• I am in Australia - I only recently found out that if you are on your own and qualify for certain benefits (equiv of tax credits) you can get reduction in electricity/water/gas bills etc - not sure if this is the same in UK but worth looking into
• Ensure that any credit cards in your joint name are cancelled
• Ensure that he redirects all of his mail to his new address asap
• Ensure that before he takes paperwork you know his salary/pension details etc
• Definately check on passports. Slightly different as I am in diff country and family in UK but would have bet my life that DH woudn't have come into home when I wasn't here and taken son's passports but he did.

Good luck xxx

otherwise I'm so sorry this has happened but would like to say you are handling this so, so well.

It's hard to see right now but brighter times lay ahead, stay strong, you can and are doing this! Your DS are the best motivation you can have when someone shits on you like this.

With regards to meeting him how about in a park with a coffee over a picnic bench? Get him to bring the coffee!! In the park it doesn't matter if you cry and if one storms off it's easy for the other to go after them to sit back down and sort through things.

Don't try and be too strong, it's early days, give yourself time to grieve.

Massive hugs and a to say - you're doing good girl!

You poor lass. Happened to a work colleague some years ago and she now has more of a life than she ever had with the ratfink she'd married.

More practical stuff:
Do you want to revert to your own name? I guess it depends on how long your passport/driving licence etc have to run, given the mahoosive cost of new ones. If you do, then

1. Go to an online deed poll site and change your name back

2. Meanwhile, transfer a bill (phone is probably easiest) into your name. Do not (at first) use direct debit as you won't have the account.

3. When the paperwork comes through, open yourself bank account(s) in that name using the deed polls and the recent phone account transfer letter.

4. Start changing over the other documents

It's a lot easier than opening them now and then having to get the bank to change names... trust me. I had to deed poll just to get them to accept my married name since it was a combined surname instead of me simply taking DH's. We spent several years using our old names until DS arrived and it was a pain getting them all changed over properly.

(Just about to send the last one off today - to change the names at the Land Registry for house, which we'd totally forgotten about till we tried to remortgage!)

What kind of a man doesn't enjoy his children? Cling onto that Sheila, he sounds like a twunt.

If a carpenter owes you money, you don't take away his tools.

I would apply this logic to your H; don't bother telling his employers, even if they are not interested, you may do damage to your future income from him

When a man refuses to tell you where he is living or answers his mobile, how are you suppose to contact them ? I had to go to my DH's office for these reasons alone - fortunately he owned the business.

This man has refused to tell OP where he is staying and the name of the OW other than they work in the same force, he may in her words "turn nasty", more than likely H and OW have been conducting the affair "on the job" - I for one would be putting his superior in the picture, not ranting and raving but maybe a telephone conversation. This poor OP has effectively been abandoned by her H, being left with a 1 and 3 yr old. He has behaved appallingly and so has OW.

And rest assured he is probably ahead of the OP with regards to legal advice, what he has to pay re child support etc. Him and OW have been plotting this for weeks. OP is already on the back foot.

OP I hope today has been better for you - ultimately you have decide how you wish to proceed but protect yourself and your DCs first and foremost.

Good luck.

So today went ok, had phone call with solicitor (free for first contact) who gave me financial advice (mostly what all you fab people have already told me!). Meeting with H tomorrow after I've dropped DS 1 at pre school, and DS2 at mums. Meeting at park, thanks for the suggestion much better than public cafe or him coming here. I want to know the following: did he bring her to our house? Have there been other women? I think I'll find out who she is whether he tells me or not as I've got a relation in the force who's doing some detective work. It's so humiliating, though, to ask him questions and him to refuse to tell me. Makes me feel even more powerless. Will talk to pre school teacher when I drop DS1 off. The things that stop me sleeping arent only thinking about my scary future but all the things I've been arranging over the past few months to try and get close to him, cinema, meals out, worst of all a slinky nightie. God, he was probably just forcing himself to do it. Feeling a bit down, the adrenalin comes and goes.

that is just the pits

to think you were competing for his attention

but you had no idea what you were up against ie. that he had already checked out of your relationship

unforgiveable

that he stood by and let you do that, knowing exactly why you were confused at him withdrawing and doing your utmost to get close to him again

It's hard to explain how amazingly helpful it's been posting regularly. Even though I don't know you it means the world to know there are people who have been through this and come out the other side. Thank you.

You could ask him why he had an affair instead of trying to communicate with you when he wasn't happy.
Good luck.

Ahh OP, well done on solicitor call and arranging to meet him at park. Your emotions are bound to be all over the place, but you truly are doing so well.

Also, you need to view all the efforts you made in a positive way - you did not give up on your marriage, you have given him every opportunity to be happy with you and not screw around, you have done all you can and he is the one who has been a fool by not appreciating that.

Take care of yourself x

Have just read your thread Sheila and couldn't go without saying how amazing and practical you are being. I hope the meeting goes well tomorrow - don't let him mess you around or trust a word he says.

You will come through this a stronger person. Your h is tarnished for life now, he has shown his true colours. His new 'relationship' will always be grubby and tainted by his utter twatishness (trying to think of a better adjective, but struggling...)
Take care of yourself and your boys x

I would not bring his work into this -he needs to keep his job so you can extract as much money out of him as you can.

Good luck tomorrow, remember, keep your head held high, it is him that should be squirming, you have NOTHING to feel humiliated about, you were dealing with a lying cheat so you always had one hand tied behind your back. CHIN UP deep breaths be strong.

His new 'relationship' will always be grubby and tainted by his utter twatishness

Exactly. She will always know what he is capable of and will always be worried when he says he will be late home. If he will cheat with you then he will cheat on you, she knows that.

Yup, the OW won't be able to rely on him or trust him. How could she?

Poor you and your poor boys. I hope he soon realises what he has thrown away with his selfish behaviour. All his family and friends will soon know what he has done and will judge him.

Good luck with the practicalities otherwise, hold your head up high and fight for everything you deserve.

Sheila, another one who just wanted to drop by to support you. What a stupid, stupid man your H has been! Soon he is going to realize the monumental mistake he has made, but it will be too late. Be assured that his workmates will find about it, if they don't know already. Your H will always be the man who cheated on his wife and kids and left them. The OW will always be the woman who broke your family. Police force or not, even though cheating is quite common, abandoning your family is not. Especially abandoning your family for another person in the forces... in my experience that is NOT a good idea, and he is probably shitting himself they will be found. And they will, oh yes they will.

You are showing an amazing dignity and strength. Your friends and family will NOT think you've failed. they will support you and know that HE failed. Please take care of yourself and keep posting. Hugs!

Just want to say how impressed I am Aheila by your coherence and how much you are getting things done. You must just want to curl up in bed and cry and instead you are keeping normal life going for your DCs and are moving forward with all the practical stuff. You should be so proud of yourself.

Sheila - (sorry have a dud keyboard!)

Good luck today - press for the answers you are after and get as much done today as you can.

Huge hug - chin up

Hi Shelia. Just wanted to sympathise - I found out how infidelity,relationship break down and poor moral standards are rife in the police when my own marriage came under attack due to my work within that organisation. It really turns good people bad and when they do the unthinkable makes them feel its normal and justifiable. Agree stay away from his workplace but I also know how many coppers have a nasty streak so be careful. Box clever now with finances - all his mates will be telling him to protect his pension but do not accept any financial settlements he offers without support from a solicitor - the police is littered with men whose marriages break down through their own actions and they talk about 'getting off lightly' in financial settlements. Make sure he doesn't. You are strong and can get through this and ultimately you will find a decent man (I've met very few in my time working with the police). Lots of love

So, he told me she was a civilian in the station he works at. She's same age as me (32) with no kids. It has been going on for a year but he says they never came to our house. He's living with her, he took his stuff from the garage tonight. He said he feels bad for me, but not guilty. He's relieved it's over. We talked a bit about money, I need to go through everything and decide how much I need a month from him. I'm feeling really low tonight. I can't face the coming years, but will have to take one day at a time. I've got an appointment with a counsellor on Tuesday. I'm going back to work on Monday. Dreading running out of the sleeping tablets (gp gave me 7) because even after taking one at 10 I'm waking at 3 and unable to go back to sleep. Could anyone whose been here tell me they're now happier, and also give me some ideas for the kids tea? I usually like cooking but cant face it at mo. they had lovely sheds pie tonight that friend brought over.

I bet they're going to have kids together. This is unbearable.

I am so sorry, sweetheart x

I think you do need to prepare yourself that he will start a "new" family

It's what they do

For the moment, take each day as it comes. You have no choice. The alternative is unthinkable. Call up your friends and family and tell them how you are really feeling. You need RL support and shedloads of it.

Whereabouts (roughly) in the UK are you, btw

One day at a time and the coming years will be FAB -not something to dread. This is nothing to do with you or anything you've done - it's him.
He says he doesn't feel guilty - he has all that to come then, either that or he's all the things others on this thread have called him. At least now you know how low-life he is you need have no guilt about taking what you need from him.
Forget OW she's a "cardboard cut-out" as my counsellor used to say. Put yourself and DC first. Take care..