Face slapping during

[Allabitmuch]

Am a regular but have name changed for this.

Have recently started seeing someone after a loooong time out of the game. Things seem to have changed a lot since when I was last single (am in my mid-thirties.)

This man is (as far as I can know seeing as I've only met him fairly recently) kind, considerate respectful and fun. I like him although I'm remaining fairly circumspect - it's very early days and I don't really know where I'm hoping things will go yet.

The thing is, he has expressed an interest in slapping my face during sex. Now I'm not really a strictly lights off vanilla type of woman. I'm happy to experiment and try new things, but this is definitely pushing at the very edges of my boundaries I have to say. I'm not sure.

And I guess my question is, is this normal sexual practice these days? Things seem to have changed so much. When I was last single and dating, no man ever expressed an interest in ejaculating on a womans face - now all men seem to desire this. Does this preference of his suggest a secret liking for sadistic porn to you? A lack of respect maybe? Or is this just a harmless thing that lots of couples like to do?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks.

Dh will give me the odd slap on the arse (for my benefit not for his) but I see hitting a woman in the face as purely for his benefit. It's a violent act that just demeans the other person. I like a bit of pain mixed with sex so an arse spanking is for me only (dh feels a bit silly doing it tbh)

go Charbon.

i agree. its one thing to consensually agree to something that you find a turn on. its another entirely to agree to something because only your partner finds it a turn on.

i would say fuck right off, because i would not feel comfortable with it. and that should be enough.

Never had this requested. Would it stop at face slapping? What else would he want to do? If you don't want it, don't do it. Good post HappyHubby!

"a new tyranny on women"

god, yes

to be seen to be cool, "with the programme", sexually adventurous (even if you feel uncomfortable with it), to "push the boundaries" at the expense of peace of mind

and if you don't, you are frigid, mundane, boring, a frothing berserker

nice, really nice, especially when it's other women who assist in applying that pressure

for someone who is normally so astute and on-the-money wrt to the manipulations of abusive men, I find sgb's completely OTT imagery on this thread difficult to understand

Terrific post Charbon.

The other thing about this is to ask where this guy got the idea that it would be fun to slap the faces of the women he's having sex with and call them whores. You don't do that to people you like you just don't. So the answer about his motivation and the sort of person he is to ask for this from his new eager to please girlfriend can't be a good one.

Completely agree about the tyranny on women to cater to male sexual desires even when it's sadistic or humiliating.

When do we get to have our own sexual desires and impulses, not "my boyfriend wants to hit me during sex, is everybody else doing it, because that will make it OK?"

What Charbon and Anyfucker said.

I am astonished that you can't see where the OP is coming from SGB, you're normally completely on the money with consensual sex issues.

In this case, the OP has come on to MN asking if she should ignore her gut feel, not go with it. And you seem to be on the side of the fence, which is telling her that she should, because otherwise she's just not cool and with-it enough.

That's the other side of the coin from "OMG you don't like that do you?

No one on this thread is shrieking that anymore than plain vanilla once a month is the return of The Roman Empire and the worst excesses of Caligula all over again. But you are pretending that they are in order to - well, what? Why have you got such a vested interest in shrieking about mundanes when other women are telling a woman who isn't happy with something, that her feelings are valid and she should trust her instincts? How is that helping to liberate her from sexual oppression?

Actually, Charbon, you've reminded me of something else interesting.

The OP says that she's recently started seeing this one man after a long time without dating..... yet according to her all men 'these days' want to spunk on a woman's face.

Yes and thunderbolts is right, why can't we ask where people get their sexual desires from?

It's all very well saying: "as long as everyone consents, it's fine" and on one level that's true.

However, that leaves out a whole other question: WHY do some men want to slap women's faces during sex? Where did they get the idea from, that this would be a turn on? When did they convince some women that this is now a "normal" part of the sexual repetoire and that if you don't submit to it, you are not really having a full sex life, you are sexually repressed and denying both yourself and your man a joyful, fulfilling, explorative sex life.

We have the right to ask these questions without being characterised as shrieking anti-sex harpies. That's the language of men who want to silence women who ask pointed questions about the reality of sex "choices".

The other 'elephant in the room' SGB is that maybe some of the 'mundanes' also have experience of BDSM that differs from yours. Maybe they know a thing or two about it and how it links to abuse too. Maybe they speak from a different position on how that 'consent' develops. Maybe they're not just scared of seeing a table leg but have instead been there too.

The OP doesn't sound consensual to me. However give the guy a few years and I'm sure he'd get that 'consent' if he worked hard enough at it.

It's quite common for "consent" to develop through grooming and pushing the boundaries in S&M relationships. A lot of women who have been through the abuse talk about it, and if you read in the right places you'll see sadistic men who call themselves doms, swapping tips on how to break down their victim's the sub's boundaries.

Men who get off on hurting and torturing women - woo hoo!

I wouldn't say my sex life is boring and I'm mundane. If anything my husband is the vanilla one.

The elephant in the room here, is the sex act and people trying to dismiss op's OWN concerns. She said herself that she isn't entirely happy with the situation and that needs to be looked at. Why does she feel he is so exciting, yet can't seem to see why she feels uncomfortable. Why does she feel she can't communicate her own feelings with him. Rather than try and ask strangers if this is normal, or question herself.

So the elephant in the room is the women in this thread focussing on the sex act, insisting on screeching at everyone for being prudes, rather than concentrating on this woman's unease.

That's quite scary, considering it's other women doing so.

I don't have an issue with fetishes, or other peoples for that matter, it takes all sorts. There is a huge problem however if it makes you feel uncomfortable, has you questioning yourself and reluctant to communicate your own belief, without checking the "norm" with others first.

It's not the sex act that shocks me, it's not him asking that shocks me. We all have fantasies, how can you communicate that without saying so?

My problem is how op feels about it, the questioning of normal, the questioning of herself, the unease, and unhappiness about it, but not saying so straight to him.

That alone screams unease to me. I know a groomer when I "see" one. Quite a common tack. Baring in mind as, has been said, some men into this kind of thing, do groom the women, to accept more and more, than they are comfortable with.

I'd be interested to know his exact job. As this is sounding so startlingly familiar. My friend eventually got out, when he rammed a fist up her and made her bleed then pissed in her mouth.

She won't mind me saying that. She started off, all "he is soooooooo exciting, so out there, really good sex, I've changed my view point, blah, blah."

She was reluctant to start slapping, but did so. You could just see, the exact same questioning pattern, it was uncanny.

But I digress, the issue here is that op feels unhappy with the status quo, can't seem to say why, just that it doesn't sit right. Combined with the fact he does seem to have her questioning herself and normal so soon, that is the issue.

So all the people moaning about mundanes, stop thinking about sex for one bloody second, and listen to the ops concerns. They are there for a reason. People talk about projection, I think they have themselves confused. There is only one side using projection here. People with an agenda to try and prove how great they are in bed and how mundane other people are for showing concern.

Scary that you are all dismissing the op's feelings to do so.

Hello everyone - I appreciate all your input - am still reading.

There's something else that is bothering me about him now too. When I went home from seeing him last (on Tuesday) I was feeling a bit wobbly because of some of the sex we'd had (the emotional ramifications of power play during sex have already been touched on.)

He texted me that evening to ask if I'd got home safe. I said that I had, he replied that he was having dinner with some friends. I then texted back and said that while I didn't want to intrude on his social time with friends by texting him, I wanted him to know that while playing around with boundaries and limits had been exciting, it had also left me feeling slightly vulnerable and could we perhaps have a chat about it at some point?

I didn't get a reply until early next morning. He said that he hadn't got home until late and had fallen asleep, that he was out the next two nights but that he was happy to call on Friday.

Well I wasn't really happy to hang around for two days to chat about something I felt was important so I just replied saying, no worries, I'd dealt with any negative feelings now anyway, it was just that how far we went had scared me a little bit, and have a good week.

That was yesterday morning and I haven't heard from him. No doubt he has taken what I said about having dealt with it and have a good week, ie speak in a few days, at face value.

But the truth is that I still feel wobbly and I also feel that even though I said I was ok, the fact that I had told him the sex we had scared me a bit means that he should have wanted to check I was alright. I think if he genuinely felt any care and respect for me he would have wanted to talk to me about how I was feeling. But there we are - I shouldn't have said I was ok when I wasn't and expected him to read between the lines. And now I'm questioning myself again. I don't want to appear needy and silly. It's early days between us and I don't feel comfortable expressing my wobblyness to him.

I've decided I won't contact him again. I want to give him a chance to show me who he is through his behaviour now. I don't think I should see him again really. It's becoming more and more obvious to me that this isn't right. I've made a mistake I think.

It's ok to have made a mistake you know. Your last post op, shows exactly what I and others have been trying to say.

This is not about the sex, it's about how you feel and his actions towards you, between the lines no matter how subtle. Some pole can spot these things, it's just something that builds up over time.

I think with this extra info, it is probably wise you take a step back, you shouldn't be feeling like this. Considering he was the one to make you feel like this, he didn't seem to care did he?

Red flags all over this sweetie.

Some *people

I said right from the beginning that the OP shouldn't do anything she doesn';t want to do. No one should. It's fine not to like BDSM sex. It's not fine to insist that all BDSM sex is abusive when you clearly know nothing much about it.
OP, he sounds a bit of a selfish berk so you are doing the right thing in dumping him. Consider your fling with him as a finer recallibrating of your twat rader, don't fret about it, and best of luck with whoever you try out next.

I don't think you've made a mistake, so don't be too hard on yourself - you've put yourself out there, gone down a road that wasn't for you and now you can get back on track, having learned something about yourself and about relationships and what you need - that's a good thing.

Again who said all BDSM sex is abusive? Not me? I saw past the actual act. It had nothing to do with it. It was obvious op was unhappy, and this guy was a bit of a twat. That was the issue.

Shame people couldn't see that sooner, rather than screeching about all the mundanes, giving him a hard time.

You were way out here SGB.

No bloke has ever/ will ever slap my face or ejaculate on my face during sex. If a bloke ever tried it he'd be out of that door with me screaming at him. It's objectifying women and treating them like objects. I avoid blokes who use porn regularly as they are more likely to want this degrading crap (and be seedy misogynists).

Op. my position is that name calling and slapping in sex has to come from a purely sexual encounter or a trusting relationship where the escalation is slow or driven by the person being slapped or called names. A man that feels it's okay to call you whore, bitch, slut and request to slap your face (which is pretty extreme) is not waiting For your cues and either doesn't care what you think of him or doesn't realise it's not normal. I think I would investigate where he's getting his ideas as they seem to be vey much about him and his own pleasure.

Just read your update, this casual attitude to your feelings is a big warning this early on when we're on best behaviour. No second chances OP. you've done the right thing.

I think the lesson learned from this whole situation for me is that these sorts of sexual practices need to be enjoyed with someone you know and trust.

It was just a bit soon for us I think. We've exposed very private aspects of ourselves to each other before we've had the opportunity to suss each other out properly.

I would imagine we're both a bit spooked by it to be honest.

Too much, too soon. Hadn't had some decent sex in an age so I rushed in like a whirlwind without engaging my brain properly

I'm going to go and be nice to myself today. I've got a day off work so I'm going to go and get my hair done and buy myself a treat or two.

You dont really need to let him 'show you who he is' any more than he already has, do you? He sounds very callous.

Plenty better prospects out there.

Btw, Bubblechristmaspop - "The elephant in the room here, is the sex act and people trying to dismiss op's OWN concerns." Haven't seen that AT ALL on this thread.

I think you are right when you say it may be too soon for you both. The thing is you clearly have some good chemistry with this chap or it wouldn't have happened in the first place as to me he does not sound like he is being pushy as such (or 'grooming' you ffs) - i think he might have be a bit overwhelmed bit too and not sure what to do with your emotion. I don't think he has had a nefarious plan just things are exciting and have got out of hand a tad.

Have a lovely day today and spend some good money (always helps)

"i think he might have be a bit overwhelmed bit too and not sure what to do with your emotion."

Then he shouldnt have been involving op in this stuff if he cant deal with it.

There ARE genuinely decent, thoughtful, kind people who are into this sort of thing but there are also chancers and knobends. Think op found the latter.