Face slapping during

[Allabitmuch]

Am a regular but have name changed for this.

Have recently started seeing someone after a loooong time out of the game. Things seem to have changed a lot since when I was last single (am in my mid-thirties.)

This man is (as far as I can know seeing as I've only met him fairly recently) kind, considerate respectful and fun. I like him although I'm remaining fairly circumspect - it's very early days and I don't really know where I'm hoping things will go yet.

The thing is, he has expressed an interest in slapping my face during sex. Now I'm not really a strictly lights off vanilla type of woman. I'm happy to experiment and try new things, but this is definitely pushing at the very edges of my boundaries I have to say. I'm not sure.

And I guess my question is, is this normal sexual practice these days? Things seem to have changed so much. When I was last single and dating, no man ever expressed an interest in ejaculating on a womans face - now all men seem to desire this. Does this preference of his suggest a secret liking for sadistic porn to you? A lack of respect maybe? Or is this just a harmless thing that lots of couples like to do?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks.

It was just a bit soon for us I think. We've exposed very private aspects of ourselves to each other before we've had the opportunity to suss each other out properly.

I would imagine we're both a bit spooked by it to be honest.

Really - but he didn't do anything awful. I am one of those genuinely thoughtful kind people who is in this kind of thing and I bet occasionally I have made an error in judgement and been careless with someone's feelings - it is part of being human it does not make me a chancer or knob end - and I really don't think when he has been honest about what he is into so early on he is chancing his arm, he is stating his position.

Not being compatible with someone and not wanting to further and sm thing does not mean that the person proposing it has something wrong with them anymore than the person not wanting to take it any further. It is incompatibility.

A lot of people here have really read far too much into this mans actions: the OP is not comfy with carrying on, that is fine but he has asked and not pushed it without seeking her consent.

Good post, pinky.

Hope you have a lovely day off, OP!

FFS, so you tell this guy you feel vulnerable and upset by what happened between you and his response has been basically to ignore you, and shut you out, bad girl for not towing the line happily. What manipulative nasty behavior, this has nothing to do with sexual boudries and as a very open minded individual his behavior post you telling him how you feel suggests this guy should be steered well clear of.

Pinky - my comments about him were based on todays post from op, not the first one.

I saw nothing in the original details to suggest there was anything red flaggy about him, but the fact he ignored her when she looked for reassurance/discussion after he had left her feeling down and confused says a lot about whether he is worth her time.

Just to add, OP (and it's probably obvious), if you're not happy and comfortable with this bloke - and it seems that you're not, for entirely good reasons, the best being that he simply doesn't meet your requirements, then go your own way. It's not necessary to identify him as a monster, pervert or abuser simply because you don't want to be with him, but it does seem that you've identified him as someone who won't or can't provide the care and company that you're entitled to. I think that's a good enough reason to stop seeing seeing someone.

Face slapping (in my mind is) so much a part of domestic abuse that I can't imagine anyone getting off on it unless they were fairly disturbed individuals and were eihter hightly hugely sadistic or for the receiver, had such awful self loathing that they felt they deserved to be punished so horribly.

For someone to be turned on by violence when they work with victims is like someone in the vice squad who is into child porn i.e. very dangerous.

"For someone to be turned on by violence when they work with victims is like someone in the vice squad who is into child porn i.e. very dangerous."

Thank you for reiterating this point Mal. I feel sick at the thought of someone who gets off on violence working with victims of sexual violence and trafficking.

No it would be like someone working in the vice squad being into using prostitutes. I think whatever floats your boat when it comes to sexual preferences as long as everyone is happy and consenting, this isn't the cast here and the guy has subsequently acted like a dick. That's the problem.

Are you suggesting that it is acceptable for the police to use prostitutes? You don't see a conflict of interests there?

No of course not, don't think it's acceptable to use prostitutes full stop, was just remarking on the comparison as it wasn't comparing apples with apples so to speak.

I think the OP raised some very interesting points about (possible) differences between dating and sex now compared with the past. There definitely are differences, if what my late teens/eary twenties offspring tell me is anything to go by. For instance - body hair, or rather lack of it! That is surely driven, in part, by the porn industry? I think that the porn industry and greater access to sexual information (from internet etc) has made a huge difference.

I don't think it is odd to want to find out what is considered more mainstream these days, if you have been out of the field for some time. However, I personally would run a mile from anyone who expressed an interest in face slapping. Ejaculating on face - that has to be a porn thing too I think? Both those practices would suggest objectifying the woman.

I would actually agree with the posters who find something sinister in his behaviour, especially given what he does for a living. However, as others have said, it is not unusual for people with psychological issues around control and domination etc to seek out jobs where they work with vulnerable people. Sadly, I suspect it is quite common. I've come across a few psychopaths recently in the so-called 'caring professions'.

While there were earlier warning signs, I also think that the fact that he wasn't prepared to get right back to her to discuss her worries was a huge red flag. Who does this guy think he is? He wants to slap the OP in the face, ejaculate over her face, but can't be bothered to make time for a conversation? I would tell him to get a blow-up doll, personally.

OK, so it's like someone working in child protection going home and using child porn then.

Or someone who works for the RSPCA going home and being cruel to animals for sexual kicks.

etc etc

Yes prolesworth that was what I was trying to say,thanks

Prolesworth - in this instance, the the comparable scenario (to police/user of prostitutes, rspca/abuser of animals, child protection/user of child porn) would be if this man has his role of working with trafficed and abused women and then goes home to abuse and rape his partner.

But that isnt what is being described here. He may well be an abuser, he certainly sounds like a tool, but consensual domination deos not inherently = abuse. It just doesn't.

this thread depresses me

I have a straightforward view -- if you have a friend who is bigger, heavier, stronger and more poweful than you are, and that friends wants to slap you around a bit for fun, then this isn't OK, and it isn't fun. It's sinister.

even if it is your boyfriend (or your husband, or your father) who wants to hit you, it's still not OK.

And neither is it OK if it happens only in the bedroom, nor does it make it OK if he's asked you first.

it's depressing how many women think it's something inevitable, or something that they ought to tolerate.

I dont think ANYONE thinks it is something that should be 'tolerated'.

Some people are just saying that you cant necessarily extrapolate that this sort of kink/fetish/wierdness/whatever means the person is an abuser.

But if it aint your bag then absolutely dont get railroaded into it.

OK, so it's like someone working in child protection going home and using child porn then.

Or someone who works for the RSPCA going home and being cruel to animals for sexual kicks.

Um, not really, no, Prolesworth. A child or an animal would be incapable of 'consenting' to the activities that this man asked the OP if she wanted to take part in. He hasn't imposed them on her without her 'consent' - and FWIW, however much of an arsehole he might be, and however vulnerable a woman he's asking might be, there's no evidence from the OP's posts that he's actually forced any of this on her, or that he intends to do so.

I agree, JeremyVile, he doesn't look lie a 'great catch', he sounds like a knob. And it's noteworthy that someone with his sexual tastes works with abused women. But insisting that he is definitely an abuser on the basis of what's known from OP's posts requires a massive 'leap of faith' that's not really rational.

OP - do have a good day and be kind to yourself.

SGB you do not have the monopoly on first hand knowledge here. It is not on to dismiss people like that.

JeremyVile for me slapping someone around who is smaller than yourself for fun IS abusive. So the question isn't about whether or not he is abusive, but HOW abusive he is.

you seem to be saying that as long as he is only comparatively mildly abusive, then that's not too bad... it's only a problem if it gets worse.

I think you need to read JeremyVile's posts again, stubbornhubby. You seem to have misunderstood them.

Nope, I can see exactly what stubbornhubby is saying

I would say that a reasonable analogy would be if you were a doctor working on a burns unit, and you wanted your partner to consent to you stubbing cigarettes out on them.

It suggests that something about the distressing nature of your work is entering your own sex life, and that is not a trivial issue to be brushed aside as just 'whatever you are into is fine.'

No, Stubbornhubby, what I am saying is that there are some people who have a fetish about being physically dominated during sex, there are some people who have a fetish about being sexually dominant. It is discussed and agreed and both parties enjoy that dynamic.

Plumpdog, those analogies are not to do with the OP or consent. I'm talking about how disturbing and worrying it is that someone who works to support victims of sexual violence gets off on sexual violence himself. Nothing to do with the OP's situation, it's a different point. The women he is supposed to be supporting at work have no idea that he could be getting off on their accounts of abuse. Is it so difficult to see how inappropriate this is on his part? To go home and have a wank thinking about humiliating and abusing women, when you'd think that someone who deals with victims of sexual violence and trafficking would be the last person on earth to think their experiences were in any way sexually arousing. This is a man who comes into contact with the reality of violence every day, who sees the effects of it on real human beings, and who then wants to go home and call his girlfriend a whore and hit her in the face.

Can't believe we even need to have this discussion tbh, it's so obviously fucked up.

I'd be interested to see the proportion of men who like to be consensually dominated compared to women. I've only ever heard of it from cartoonish scandals about High Court judges, and I don't think i've ever encountered it on mumsnet. I'm not at all convinced that this is an equal exchange of power. Why do we especially eroticise violence against women?