Face slapping during

[Allabitmuch]

Am a regular but have name changed for this.

Have recently started seeing someone after a loooong time out of the game. Things seem to have changed a lot since when I was last single (am in my mid-thirties.)

This man is (as far as I can know seeing as I've only met him fairly recently) kind, considerate respectful and fun. I like him although I'm remaining fairly circumspect - it's very early days and I don't really know where I'm hoping things will go yet.

The thing is, he has expressed an interest in slapping my face during sex. Now I'm not really a strictly lights off vanilla type of woman. I'm happy to experiment and try new things, but this is definitely pushing at the very edges of my boundaries I have to say. I'm not sure.

And I guess my question is, is this normal sexual practice these days? Things seem to have changed so much. When I was last single and dating, no man ever expressed an interest in ejaculating on a womans face - now all men seem to desire this. Does this preference of his suggest a secret liking for sadistic porn to you? A lack of respect maybe? Or is this just a harmless thing that lots of couples like to do?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated, thanks.

I don't think there is any "almost" in it, sm

She may say "no" to this, but she is still overlooking the massive red flags here

OP I think my worry about you, is that you seem to be posting from the back foot.

If you're "not sure' that you want to be slapped in the face during sex, why are you considering it?

Why do you need to ask a bunch of internet sprites for advice about this? Your own gut feeling and gut response, is probably the best guide to what to do here.

You sound as if you don't trust your gut instinct. What's made you question it?

Ok. Well I feel slightly foolish really as I posted asking whether this sounded a bit dodgy to you, and you're all saying, 'Er... Hello????' And yes, of course I realise how sinister it sounds now I'm reading all your posts.

But just one more post in his defence and I'll stop. The victims of trafficking that he represents are traumatised as a result of having terrible things happen to them against their will.

He is extremely careful to make sure that I'm ok with whatever he's doing. He's never done anything to me without my consent or out of the blue, ie he's never just assumed consent. It's different. And as far as I'm aware, a bit of name calling in amongst the 'bedroom chat' is pretty common isn't it? Are all men who engage in this monsters then?

So, is the general consensus that a man who likes to dominate (physically/verbally) during sex is acting out his true feelings?
That if he is, in all other areas of his life, a decent, kind, normal person then its all an act and the sex stuff is the real him?

I don't need to make wild assumptions. Sex act aside, I'm not denying mild slapping or whatever could float people's boat.

Ops language, manner, denial, words. Speak 100x. She is in a new relationship. He had her pushing her boundaries, her questioning herself, questioning normal. What's worse is she is in some form of denial too. Something is not sitting right with her, so she asked strangers. Then rebuffed ever unsavoury answer.

You don't need to be a genius to see its not about the sexual act and he's not all that.

"Sparks had "rough sex" with a woman who had previously been in a relationship with a man who attacked her. He appears to have had no qualms about it."

I'd appreciate it if you didn't make things up from my posts. What i said was the ex liked very rough sex.

As it happens i wasn't happy with that and it was part of the reason we didn't continue.

So sad that men working in this field do the same stuff themselves....

bookmarking this to read up about it....

As a women who has been abused, totally horrendous...

OP you've had lots of responses to your questions, but I'm curious about why you wanted to know whether this was a standard request from a new sexual partner? Why would other people's boundaries affect your own and what experiences have caused this need for validation?

Also, have you asked your partner how he developed this desire to slap a woman's face during sex? What is his relationship history? What porn does he use, if any - and what are your boundaries about that?

Not monsters Allabitmuch, but men who call women wh*res are misogynists. I suppose it's easier to ignore what we've said, if you pretended we called him a monster.

Why are you so concerned about what everybody else is doing it bed BTW? It's like you have no sexual desires of your own.

Your OP actually seems to work on the premise that if everybody else is having their face slapped in the bedroom you'll do it too, even though you don't appear to have any desire to have your face slapped.

"The victims of trafficking that he represents are traumatised as a result of having terrible things happen to them against their will."

And how do you think they'd feel if they found out that they were being represented by a man who finds it sexually exciting to hit women during sex and call them wh*res? Because he keeps it secret it's OK? Do you really believe that?

OP, if I told my therapist about how my ex had raped me, and then found he'd gone home, asked his wife if it was ok to trash the flat before she agreed to sex, or if it was ok for him to call her a slut, I'd feel exploited as hell.

Consider that for the victims he's working with.

Look, there are a lot of people who are into BDSM and are not abusers or predators. They just like particular activities during sex, and they like to do them with consenting partners. So they DISCUSS their fantasies and preferences. If you are into BDSM and you are embarking on a sex session or even some kind of relationship with someone you already know likes BDSM too, then you are more likely to be more direct and upfront about the things you like to do, and to ask the new person outright if s/he likes these things and would like to try them. Just asking someone if s/he has ever tried, or would like to try, a particular activity during sex is not abusive: if you don't ask, how will you find out what the new partner likes? BDSM people are generally a lot more into negotiation, discussion and making absolutely sure the partner/playmate consents than the average thick mundane who thinks that s/he knows what 'normal' sex is and expects any and every potential partner to see it in exactly the same way and agree to it, no matter what.

It's also worth making the point (though it is almost impossible to get it into a mundane's head, because the mundane mindset always remains 'Anything I don't like sexually is ABNORMAL AND BAD') that for some people, exploring taboo/distressing/shocking behaviours and thoughts in a safe, negotiated and controlled setting is a really good thing. I have known individuals on the fetish scene who have had traumatic experiences in the past and found that re-enacting stuff with trusted friends and being the one in control of the situation was healing for them.

op really you are significantly shifted to "defending" him now. and maybe that knee-jerk defensiveness is preventing you recalling misgivings or initial

bottom line we all log off,go post elsewhere on mn.no rl impact.done our words on a screen. but you have to reflect and try be honest to yourself,as this for you is lived experience and real

did you really envisage your new partner calling you whore and slapping you when he's aroused or to get him aroused.single and hoping to meet nice chap...was this what you hoped for?or is this what you will settle for?

Well I came on here to ask because you get honest opinions from lots and lots of different people and because I didn't want to discuss it with my friends and family.

But it's true - my gut isn't happy. I don't feel quite right about it all. And I should be listening to that.

JV, playing different all kinds of roles in roleplay as part of a great sex life could involve some dominating from either partner and mean nothing.
A consistent wish to dominate sexually - hitting, swearing at and calling your partner a whore - just doesn't tally with being all that decent, nice and kind. It speaks to me about shame about sex or heavy use of violent porn or a general hatred of women or all of the above.

Sorry to see you being discussed as if you're incapable of making your own decisions, OP. Also sorry to see posters saying you're in denial, when it seems that you're actually engaging with various different viewpoints on this thread.

And surpised to see that apparently on this thread asking a bunch of strangers about something over the internet is suddenly an indication of hapless victim status.

I really hope some of the advice here is useful to you and resonates with the situation that you're actually in, and I hope that it's still possible for you to use it as such.

yes op instinctively,intuitively you have misgivings
so stop making excuses and ignoring your own feelings to placate and appease his preferences

So here we are. Filter through all the junk and aren't we do cool and dirty clan

You are having misgivings and it's making you feel uneasy.

That's the end of it. People should stop debating about how cool their sex lives are and try and help you get to the bottom of what this gut feeling is.

Listen to your gut feelings.

Please.

Yes really all the stuff about consensual BDSM stuff is irrelevant... the OP doesn't want to do it, it doesn't sit right with her.

So the question is, why didn't you feel that you coudl just say "nah, don't fancy htat" right out?

What's inhibiting you? I think that's what you need to find out, isn't it?

Then say no OP, as is the general consensus.

What shouldn't be valued is the ridiculously prejudiced and assumed opinions of some.

This bloke you are seeing has formed his preferences through his own experiences not those assumed by those commenting.

Just carry on as you are happy!

ANyway it's bedtime for me, so I hope you get some more helpful posts OP, which will get to the bottom of why you didn't initially feel confident enough to just go with your gut - is it because you felt he mgiht think you're not cool, is it because you think this behaviour is normal now and expected and you'll never get another shag again if you don't do this, so you might as well do it with someone who is otherwise as nice as him, is it because you are in the habit of over-riding your instincts - what's going on here? Hope some of these questions are helpful, even if it just helps you discount any of those things, good night.

Sparks you are spectacularly missing the point. More switched on posters aren't even talking about the sex act.

More as to why this whole situation, now clarified is making the op uncomfortable. There is probably good train behind it.

The point is, she obviously isn't "happy".

Good *reason. iPhone and it's late. Op if this is making you uncomfortable, questioning yourself, and what is normal. You need to look deeper.

And as far as I'm aware, a bit of name calling in amongst the 'bedroom chat' is pretty common isn't it?

Not as far as I am aware, and I am certainly not naive...

If someone were to call me a whore in the middle of a shag it would stop me in my tracks.