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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I let my children see my paedophile FIL?

426 replies

FiremanSamsFireEngine · 20/11/2011 22:26

I hope you can help me with this awful situation. Over 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband and I discovered that my FIL had been arrested for downloading thousands of the most serious levels of child pornography, systematically for over a year. He plead guilty and was convicted. My DH was shocked and devastated as you can imagine, and I didn't ever want to see him again, and certainly not let our children (we have now had 2 kids) ever have any contact. At the time my husband said that our children would never have to have any contact with him.

Our children have never met my FIL, and my husband has limited contact with his family. 3 years on and my husband now wants our children to attend gatherings of his extended family where his father will be present. He no longer wants his father airbrushed out of our lives.

I am freaking out. I don't see what good it will do to introduce our children this man. It goes against every single one of my instincts to protect them - physically and emotionally. As they get older (they are 3 and 2) they will start to ask more and more questions. I don't know how I will be able to answer why they don't see their grandfather often, why he doesn't touch them (over my dead body) when they see him. What if they go to embrace him? etc etc... It's just going to get more and more complicated and horrible.

A paedophile is someone with a sexual interest in children, not just someone who assaults children. He has demonstrated a seriously dishonest nature (he managed to keep his obsession a secret, even from his wife, for over a year). I do not want our children to have contact with someone like this. It will just get more and more emotionally complicated for everyone.

Me and my husband have been at loggerheads over this for some time. I have finally agreed that we'll attend a family gathering next week and the kids will be introduced to the FIL, but with strict ground rules. Just an introduction: "this is Daddy's daddy", no physical contact, and that this is not the start of some sort of reconcillation. I feel sick about it, and am very worried I am doing the wrong thing in an attempt to make my husband happy (he has acknowledged he is only doing this for himself, not for the kids).

What would you do? Could you imagine yourself ever agreeing to this?

I won't be able to check this forum until tomorrow night, but hope I can get some sense from other people (due to the shameful nature of this I have been unable to talk to friends about it) and will be able to reply then. Thanks in advance

OP posts:
realhousewife · 01/12/2011 09:31

Big (belated) hug to you Ponty. I think you should yell at your parents. It might help you to move on and take the life you have NOW forward, rather than thinking about the life you might have had.

Sad
newbiedoobiedoo · 01/12/2011 12:18

Any word from the OP?!

Original poster
FiremanSamsFireEngine · 02/12/2011 22:24

Sorry - 2 year old has been really ill so not been able to check computer. Also, am not really a computer person really anyway (altho incredibly grateful for the advice and help I've had on this forum). I usually only check email once a week, as am over run with 2 manic toddlers and permanently shattered.

DH went to the family party on his own, and we've left it at that. TBH we've not had any time to have long discussions about it, with him working non-stop, and kids being ill... We are still in massive disagreement about this and he has said he wanted to see Relate again to discuss it. For reasons above I am not into that. I've not had the time to write a complaint. I don't know if he has had the time to read this thread yet (altho he said he would). Not out of complacency, but just no time.

I've also not had time to think about whether I should do anything about my SIL's (lack of) judgement in letting her baby have contact with FIL. The SIL is not my DH's sister, but my DH's brother's wife. I think her decision is based soley on her 10 year desperate battle to get BIL to marry her, and she doesn't want to rock the family boat.

OP posts:
mrsmplus3 · 02/12/2011 22:44

Hi, i know im a bit late but i just read your original post.

I absolutely would not take my children to visit him, no way, you dont want to start that cause youd probably have to keep doing it every so often. and what would your kids say when theyre adults if they know, which they prob will by then. no way, thats asking for trouble. keep your distance. theyre not missing out by not having him in their life.

i can totally understand your husband wanting to see his dad and thats fine, thats a seperate issue, but not the kids.

why dont you make the compromise that you totally support your husband in going to all his family events but you stay at home with the children.

thats a really awful situation to be in and i feel for you all but you owe your children, not that man, and your husband is a grown up, not an innocent child, let him go, protect your kids.

sometimes we all just need to accept we dont get it all in life. so you cant have a relationship with your fil and nor can the kids but look at everything else that is good that youve got. we all have "stuff". life isnt easy. but you do your best and i just feel if youve done your best by your kids then thats a wonderful thing.

ps just read your last post there and it sent chills up my spine that your sil is letting a baby be around your fil, sorry but thats horrendous. why would anyone risk that?? doesnt bear thinking about.

all the best.

UnexpectedOrange · 02/12/2011 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

realhousewife · 03/12/2011 00:25

Glad you stood your ground - one step at a time though. I wonder if childline or womens aid would direct you to get support from somewhere other than Relate? There must be specialist organisations, aimed at men and families of abusers. This is his problem, not yours. This isn't a relationship problem really, it's more a man-in-denial problem.

Sorry your kids have been ill, hopefully they are better now as the Christmas season kicks with lots of exciting things for them to enjoy.

Bossybritches22 · 03/12/2011 07:14

Well done FiremanSam . Don't apologise for not getting abck to us, just nice to have a follow up sometimes, & check the OP is OK.

Sorry to hear your children have been ill, it's that horrible buggy time of year isn't it? Fingers crossed you all stay healthy for Christmas & have a lovely time.

This might be a better direction than Relate when you have time to look at it As others have said more specifically trained counsellors might be more appropriate.

Have a good Christmas.

bejeezus · 03/12/2011 09:27

Regarding your SILs position of nursery owner - How would you feel about your children attending a nursery where the owner had close family contact with a convicted paedophile? The parents of the kids she looks after have a right to know.

Give me the nursery address and ill phone the police?

Bossybritches22 · 03/12/2011 11:03

FiremanSam- I know you've had a lot on your plate but let someone else help you.

bejeezus phone OFSTED rather than the police, they'll only refer it anyway.

There is not a criminal offence to report at the moment. (we hope) & one would hope the SIL is professional enough to keep FIL away from her nursery, but I question her judgement if she allows her child to see him. She is in the same unenviable position as OP in that it is her DP with the denial problem & family pressure.

realhousewife · 03/12/2011 13:51

This whole thing about the nursery is particularly disturbing, as you say Bossy, I would question SIL's judgement too.

Fireman I also wanted to say that you making a stand and not attending will have a big impact in that it may help others to stand up to this manipulative man (and his coercive wife).

Bossybritches22 · 03/12/2011 14:11

Yes firemean maybe you taking a stand will encourage the SIL to stand up to the family on HER side & therefore you can have a united front.

Not easy for you by any means.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 15:12

Well done for taking this stand FiremanSam.

The story about your MIL taking picture to show her husband sounds utterly creepy too. I would think about keeping her away from your dcs too.

maypole1 · 03/12/2011 16:15

Op are you sure your oh wasn't abused when young I am just asking as I am very surprised at oh exceptance of his dad

I couldn't be in the same room as someone I knew had abused children lest I vomit and it makes it worse when a relation.

We have a uncle to is married to a 18year old she was 16 when they met so he says mmmm
My cousins friend at the time whom he left my auntie for
He is very much me lined. Not invited to any events an d is very much the black sheep in our family

And is certainly would never be trusted with any teenage girl with in our family the tale of our creepy uncle is told to each generation to ward them away from him

I know its not the same but their is still something very unsavoury about a man who is 40 odd who fancies teenage girls

You are right and not need relate I would assume he is trying to gather support for his view but I don't often say this but you are 100% correct on this and I dare say this may even be there line on which your hole marriage is drawn

What do your family think of this whole thing ?

maypole1 · 03/12/2011 16:18

thunderboltsandlightning yes what type of women marries or stands by a abuser as he quite clearly has sexual interest in children and not women

Did she know he was viewing this kind of stuff if so what she stood by and did nothing the whole thing is yuk to me

newbiedoobiedoo · 04/12/2011 21:54

Thank you for the update and I know this will sound weird but I'm really proud that you didn't take them!

I won't try to advise on your dh because there are women here much more qualified to give advice than me but I wish you luck!

Toplistmaker · 04/12/2011 22:47

No. Please stay home with your kids, let your husband do as he wishes.. you and your little ones do not need to go with him! Be strong

Bossybritches22 · 05/12/2011 10:11

Toplist she did ....her update is just a few posts ^^ up there!!

musicposy · 05/12/2011 10:24

Can you find someone who works with offenders to speak to your DH? Because he is wrong, and counselling is a waste in that they tend not to tell you what to do, and he really needs to be told by someone official in the know that he is wrong. If you spoke to social services, would they speak to him?

A close friend of mine works in the probation service. It's widely accepted that paedophiles do not rehabilitate. They learn to say the right things, but the urge that drove them to the behaviour in the first place remains. there is always a risk of reoffending, and of the original behaviour becoming more serious.

There's no real argument here in that your DH is wrong. You just need to find someone official to tell him that. Easier said than done, I know. Would he read this thread? Lots of people who know have said the same.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 05/12/2011 11:26

I'm so pleased you stayed away and you have now resolved not to ever waiver on this again.

I hope you find a way to make your H see just how wrong it would be to enable his father to have any contact with your children, hopefully even reading this thread will help him to understand. He would do well to see a proper, qualified person re this - not a relate counsellor.

Abitwobblynow · 05/12/2011 19:44

NO!

Do NOT be sucked into feeling sorry for him. All actions have consequences. He has violated trust, MISTRUST him.

His feelings are NOT your problem. Your children's safety is the only thing that concerns you, and there are lots of lovely safe adults they can be around.

He blew it, HIS problem. Not yours.

maypole1 · 05/12/2011 23:52

Agreed we can't change who we are sexually attracted to sorry to be crude but we can't

No amount of counselling would make me fancy child so why would your oh supposed counselling would stop his dad from fancying children.

I think even supervised contact is out of the question and I would make iy very clear to your oh their are to be no pictures past on or secret visit or phone calls

And what the fall out would be if this were to happen

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/12/2011 12:30

If I had DC I would be disgusted to find their nursery owner had a paedophile for a fil.

I agree she wont want to rock the boat now she has got him. Good grief if you have to nag them to get married it wont work well will it?.

LePruneDeMaTante · 06/12/2011 12:32

It's not that he's her FIL (it is hardly her fault how he is), it's that she allows her children to have contact with him.
Massive lapse of judgement there, professionally and personally.

bejeezus · 06/12/2011 14:10

The OP has been able to protect her children. the parents of the kids at that nursery havent been given that same that same opportunity Sad

Bossybritches22 · 06/12/2011 16:14

Well lets give the OP a bit of a break, she has had a lot of shite to deal with & then her kids have been ill & she's still struggling with her DH's attitude to this.

I'm sure when she has a moment to draw breath & think it through she'll tackle her SIL's problem. I'm just hoping that her (the SIL's) DC is OK

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