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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I let my children see my paedophile FIL?

426 replies

FiremanSamsFireEngine · 20/11/2011 22:26

I hope you can help me with this awful situation. Over 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband and I discovered that my FIL had been arrested for downloading thousands of the most serious levels of child pornography, systematically for over a year. He plead guilty and was convicted. My DH was shocked and devastated as you can imagine, and I didn't ever want to see him again, and certainly not let our children (we have now had 2 kids) ever have any contact. At the time my husband said that our children would never have to have any contact with him.

Our children have never met my FIL, and my husband has limited contact with his family. 3 years on and my husband now wants our children to attend gatherings of his extended family where his father will be present. He no longer wants his father airbrushed out of our lives.

I am freaking out. I don't see what good it will do to introduce our children this man. It goes against every single one of my instincts to protect them - physically and emotionally. As they get older (they are 3 and 2) they will start to ask more and more questions. I don't know how I will be able to answer why they don't see their grandfather often, why he doesn't touch them (over my dead body) when they see him. What if they go to embrace him? etc etc... It's just going to get more and more complicated and horrible.

A paedophile is someone with a sexual interest in children, not just someone who assaults children. He has demonstrated a seriously dishonest nature (he managed to keep his obsession a secret, even from his wife, for over a year). I do not want our children to have contact with someone like this. It will just get more and more emotionally complicated for everyone.

Me and my husband have been at loggerheads over this for some time. I have finally agreed that we'll attend a family gathering next week and the kids will be introduced to the FIL, but with strict ground rules. Just an introduction: "this is Daddy's daddy", no physical contact, and that this is not the start of some sort of reconcillation. I feel sick about it, and am very worried I am doing the wrong thing in an attempt to make my husband happy (he has acknowledged he is only doing this for himself, not for the kids).

What would you do? Could you imagine yourself ever agreeing to this?

I won't be able to check this forum until tomorrow night, but hope I can get some sense from other people (due to the shameful nature of this I have been unable to talk to friends about it) and will be able to reply then. Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Likesshinythings · 20/11/2011 22:41

My parents' next door neighbour has recently come out of prison for something similar and we were told that if he came into my parents' house while DS was there then DS would be considered to be at risk and would be placed on the at risk register. Something worth pointing out to DH.

lisad123 · 20/11/2011 22:42

no, because while they are with you, they would be safe. However,whats to stop him appproaching them at any other time, ad them thinking " well thats daddys daddy, so must be fine to talk to/go with ect"

philmassive · 20/11/2011 22:43

What an awful situation. No way should your dc's meet him. Just no way. Your dh needs a reality check.
Imagine if they were introduced to him in this seemingly 'safe' environment and then they saw him elsewhere - out in public or whatever. Far too confusing for them to understand that it's ok to have contact with him in scenario 1 but not otherwise. The door shouldn't be opened for him to come into their lives. No way.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 20/11/2011 22:43

Erm, no. And no again.

browneyesblue · 20/11/2011 22:45

Absolutely not. This also sounds like the start of a horribly slippery slope - they meet him this time, so why not another time? This is not a situation that you will easily be able to control. It sounds like your husband may be looking to find a way to have his father back in his life, which by extension will involve your children. Please reconsider your decision.

I feel for your husband. This must have been an awful thing for him to try to come to terms with, but it sounds as if he may be trying to block out the reality of what your FIL has done. The fact that your FIL will be at a family gathering suggests that other family members are doing the same.

Trust your instincts.

Original poster
FiremanSamsFireEngine · 20/11/2011 22:45

FIL didn't go to prison cos paedophiles don't go to prison anymore as the prisons are too overcrowded. The police investigating team admitted that the criminal justice sytem cannot cope with paedophiles anymore, as there is not the space to lock them up. So instead they go on counselling courses. My FIL has attended this, was on the sex offenders register for 3 years and has now just come off it.

My loony MIL did stay with him, but that doesn't say much as she is a nutter. She told me after that it happened that 'no one had got hurt' by my FIL's actions. I hit the roof - as if having perverts poring over photos of your abuse eternally doesn't cause any harm. She has no understanding about it all, and is denial. I am the only one on my DH's wider family who has had this reaction. The others have just carried on as normal, and are even getting angry at me, as if I caused it all!

My DH says that it is very painful for him not to have his father in his life anymore (he says he was a very loving father when he was a child) and he thinks that his father is capable of 'getting better'. I'm not prepared to take that risk. Would you agree to what I have agreed to - going to the family gathering, and allowing a non physical introduction? Or am I being an idiot?

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 20/11/2011 22:46

Has he sexually assaulted any children?

Has he sought help for his problems?

trying to get a picture of whether FIL is trying to redeem himself and normalise his behaviour. Having inappropriate feelings is different to acting on them.

MollieO · 20/11/2011 22:47

Maybe I should have made my post clearerPlease help - just found out FIL is a paedophile - the OP from 2008.

I remembered at the time being shocked to read it so I'm even more Shock to think that she and her dh have not cut all contact with him.

Hassled · 20/11/2011 22:47

Likesshineythings makes a good point and that could be your ammunition re your DH. What would it make you, as parents, seem like - knowingly introducing your DCs to a convicted paedophile? You have to say no.

I feel for your DH, though. He must feel very conflicted - the man is still his father.

Pinner35 · 20/11/2011 22:48

Hell no....not a chance would my children be meeting him and your H is way out of line for putting you in this position. What a dreadful situation.

simonedeboudoir · 20/11/2011 22:48

I wouldn't agree to this. Awful situation to be in, OP.

You said you're worried you are "doing the wrong thing in an attempt to make my husband happy" - yes if you've been at loggerheads about this for some time, it sounds like he's ground you down and you've now given in.

I don't understand your husband's position on this. Why can't he accept, and respect, your perfectly valid - and imo correct - decision??

Just say no, you're not going to do it. End of discussion.

bejeezus · 20/11/2011 22:49

have read what you wrote about the families reaction on your original thread- that they are minimising it, i think, makes it even more important NOT to be around them. ANY of them IMO

I would definitely NOT agree to attend the gathering AT ALL

Flisspaps · 20/11/2011 22:50

Absolutely not. Paedophiles do not 'get better'. Your DH is fooling himself if he thinks that his father can suddenly forget that he has a sexual attraction to children. If your DH wants a relationship with his father then that's his choice but I would absolutely not, no way, not EVER allow him to take the children to any kind of meeting with this man. He didn't have physical contact with the children in the photographs but that doesn't make his actions any less sickening or wrong.

I love my DH completely, but in your shoes if he was so insistent about wanting my children to meet with such a person, I would actually question whether I would want to be with him at all. And then there would always, always be the nagging doubt of whether he'd take the children to meet FIL without your knowledge anyway, thinking that all would be well.

fortyplus · 20/11/2011 22:50

I think before you even consider going ahead with this you should check with ss whether your children would end up on the at risk register as a result

ScarlettIsWalking · 20/11/2011 22:51

Fuck no do Not go to that reunion!
It will be seen as a massive sign of acceptance to him. This man is utterly vile . My friend is a police officer and has had to review sadly, images of this nature. Are you aware of the kind of things present in these images of abuse?you really wouldn't want to know. It takes a truly sickened mind to use them for pleasure. Stay away.

simonedeboudoir · 20/11/2011 22:51

Just read your second post. Of course you're not being an idiot. Your instincts are good.

snailoon · 20/11/2011 22:51

As xmasbaby asked, has he acted on any of this? If he hasn't, he probably isn't a physical threat to your kids.
I'm not saying I would go anywhere near him if I were you. I wouldn't.

Flisspaps · 20/11/2011 22:52

In fact, I am actually stunned at how angry this has made me. In what universe is it OK to introduce your children to a known paedophile just because they happen to be related by blood? If this man wasn't your DH's father, would he be still be so keen to introduce them to him?

bejeezus · 20/11/2011 22:52

i would have thought that the pain for your dh would have been when your FiL got discovered? then grieving?

i just cant imagine wanting to ever see my dad ever again if he was a paedophile

UnexpectedOrange · 20/11/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 20/11/2011 22:52

Let me think... Should you let your children see a paedophile....?

Hmmm.

Seriously? Can't believe your DH wants anything to do with FIL and more incredulously, that he wants his CHILDREN to have anything to do with him.

Especially when he's admitting it's for his own benefit.

I think you have a big problem here if your DH can't see why what he's suggesting is so inappropriate.

Stay123 · 20/11/2011 22:53

Absolutely not. He might not get a chance to do anything as there will be adults around but you don't know what fantasies he will be storing up for later.

Flisspaps · 20/11/2011 22:55

Xmasbaby and snailoon How does anyone other than FIL know that he hasn't assaulted any children or doesn't pose a physical threat to the OP's children?

Just because he wasn't caught doing it doesn't mean he hasn't done it. And even if he's not done it in the past, what's to say that he would be able to resist the temptation of doing it should the opportunity ever present itself with the OP's children in the future - would you really take that risk because, well, it was only photos on the internet after all?

I'd fucking hope not.

madonnawhore · 20/11/2011 22:55

Is your DH a bit thick? Or mad?

Original poster
FiremanSamsFireEngine · 20/11/2011 22:55

MollieO - it was me who posted in 2008 when I first discovered my FIL was a paedophile. I was shocked too that my DH now thinks it is OK for the kids to meet him. He says that he cannot see the harm - there will be other people present, we will make sure they stay with us, they'll be safe etc. But my arguements are all about the 'slippery slope' etc, that it will be emotionally confusing. There is no danger of the kids bumping into him though. We thankfully live 100s of miles away from my in-laws.

OP posts: