Should I let my children see my paedophile FIL?

[FiremanSamsFireEngine]

I hope you can help me with this awful situation. Over 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with our first child, my husband and I discovered that my FIL had been arrested for downloading thousands of the most serious levels of child pornography, systematically for over a year. He plead guilty and was convicted. My DH was shocked and devastated as you can imagine, and I didn't ever want to see him again, and certainly not let our children (we have now had 2 kids) ever have any contact. At the time my husband said that our children would never have to have any contact with him.

Our children have never met my FIL, and my husband has limited contact with his family. 3 years on and my husband now wants our children to attend gatherings of his extended family where his father will be present. He no longer wants his father airbrushed out of our lives.

I am freaking out. I don't see what good it will do to introduce our children this man. It goes against every single one of my instincts to protect them - physically and emotionally. As they get older (they are 3 and 2) they will start to ask more and more questions. I don't know how I will be able to answer why they don't see their grandfather often, why he doesn't touch them (over my dead body) when they see him. What if they go to embrace him? etc etc... It's just going to get more and more complicated and horrible.

A paedophile is someone with a sexual interest in children, not just someone who assaults children. He has demonstrated a seriously dishonest nature (he managed to keep his obsession a secret, even from his wife, for over a year). I do not want our children to have contact with someone like this. It will just get more and more emotionally complicated for everyone.

Me and my husband have been at loggerheads over this for some time. I have finally agreed that we'll attend a family gathering next week and the kids will be introduced to the FIL, but with strict ground rules. Just an introduction: "this is Daddy's daddy", no physical contact, and that this is not the start of some sort of reconcillation. I feel sick about it, and am very worried I am doing the wrong thing in an attempt to make my husband happy (he has acknowledged he is only doing this for himself, not for the kids).

What would you do? Could you imagine yourself ever agreeing to this?

I won't be able to check this forum until tomorrow night, but hope I can get some sense from other people (due to the shameful nature of this I have been unable to talk to friends about it) and will be able to reply then. Thanks in advance

This is such a sad thread. I'm so sorry for the terrible experiences people have shared here. And even sadder to think that there will be many more people who have experienced similar things and are reading without posting.

Mr FSFE, there is a reason this thread is so unaminous when many on MN are not. There is a reason people are posting so angrily. Please listen to your wife, and to the stories people have told you here.

I'm so sorry though, it must be beyond awful to be confronted with these things about the dad you love. Of course you don't want to hear it. Who would? I also agree with others who have said that (much as you would rather not consider the possibility) there may be things about your upbringing that were more damaging to you than you have realised until now. Please get some support to help you work through all of this. It would be a big deal for anyone.

But most of all, please don't expose your children to someone who thinks it's ok to rape and abuse children for his pleasure. You are the adult now. Your children are dependent on you to protect them. Please do the right thing.

Oh dear kerry, I'm so sorry to hear you've been through all that .

OP, it has been said so many times & in so many ways on this thread but NO, NO, NO. Your instincts are telling you that it would be wrong/dangerous to take your children anywhere where your FIL would be. Your instincts are dead right.

I haven't read all of the posts so apologise if it has already been mentioned by others but do you think that maybe your DH could benefit from some counselling to help him cope with the loss of the father-he-thought-he-had & the realisation that this man can never be a part of his life again. It must be a devastating thing to discover about your own father & I do worry that he has not fully appreciated the implications of it if he is now suggesting introducing your DCs to this man. The poster who said that even if you don't go to the gathering on this occasion, unless your DH comes to terms with things he will keep on suggesting similar things in the future is right. There is also a possibility that when your DCs get older they may ask if they can meet their grandad. You need your DH to be absolutely with you on saying "no" by then at least.

Stick to your guns OP.

Oh, whitebread how very brave of you to tell that story, I really do hope it helps the OP & her DH to make their decision here.

families don't want to deal with child abusers. they don't want to believe it and will generally sacrifice their kids or at least, immediate family's kids in their denial. They know full well what is going on but DENY it because they don't want to deal with the MESS.

Totally agree. Sometimes the parents' failure to protect the victim is worse than the actual abuse - it was in my case anyway. The abuse I suffered was pretty mild compared to some, but I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of being utterly let down by my parents.

And (have posted on MN about this before so apologies for repeating myself) I will never EVER forgive my mum for talking 13-year-old me out of pressing charges. Because he'd never cope in prison, the poor thing

Yes, yes Haunty.

What happened to me was pretty horrible and has caused me no end of miseries as an adult, but I can honestly say that I am more fucked up by the knowledge that my mother sent me to stay at that house, alone, knowing what he was like. I feel like I was sacrificed. It's the worst and most savage betrayal that I can never forgive her for at the deepest level.

As for my abuser, he's sociopathic scum (despite being a retired CEO of a successful international business) and while it was horrific, it is somehow easier to deal with because his behaviour was just straightforwardly "evil".

name changed but regular poster

OP, A mother & father should be the two people who a child can completely and utterly trust to keep them safe. If those children come into contact with your FIL you have failed in this duty. However I would hope for your children's sake this will never be a worry to them.

A relative of mine was chased from his local area back home after it was alleged that he had viewed photo's and also indecently touched a girl. This was brushed under the carpet by my family. He was an alcoholic not long after. I was 5 at the time. Rather than believe the "hysteria" that this man had caused my mother allowed this man to be near me and my siblings, and allowed us to sleep where he was also sleeping.

As a result of this, things happened that should not of.
I tried to tell my mother but my clumsy childlike way of putting it across and my uncertainty of what had happened, when, and how made it easy for me to be accused of "lying." I continued to be allowed to stay there overnight.

It was a confusing time for me, not only was someone climbing into my bed on a night that should not of been but I got nice presents which I liked. I thought it might be wrong but then, seeing my family treat this person nicely and me being called a liar made me question if I where the wrong one, I never brought it up again and thankfully it stopped when I was older. That didn't stop me laying awake every night I slept there to ensure my sibling was not hurt, my reasoning been if he was in my bed, he wasn't in theirs. A responsibility no child should have.

Years on, Im fine. I can trust. I can love. I have the odd nightmare but thankfully these are few and far between. I don't know why, I'm quite matter of fact and I refuse to let that person dictate the rest of my life. I have spoken about it with my partner but have never discussed it again with my parents.

I will love my parents. I will NEVER forgive my parents as much as I love them for putting family shows and an easy life above my safety and well being. This person will never get within a mile of my children - If that means I never see my family again so be it.

in reply to celiafate

I did a course on Safeguarding (I work in a school) led by a senior member of LEA Child Protection Team.

That is what we were told,

A Policeman-friend-of-the-family also backed it up but would LOVE to be told that I am mistaken!

"That didn't stop me laying awake every night I slept there to ensure my sibling was not hurt, my reasoning been if he was in my bed, he wasn't in theirs."

unprotected, this sentence has just made me feel sick and so, so sad. I would do absolutely anything in the world to prevent my child-or any child in fact-to never ever feel this way again.

namechanger

apologies for hijack, I don't have hte courage to start my own thread, it feels too exposing

this thread is bringing up all sorts of stuff for me and I am screaming and losing it at my DH and feel like crying all the time

it was my mum though. and I don't even know what she did I just know it wasn't right

please help me

Hello alnitak. I'm not sure what to say except that I'm truly so, so sorry for what happened to you. You must be in a very strange and scary place right now

Do you want to write more? Whatever you want to tell us, be sure that you will be believed.

Is there someone safe in RL you can share this with? DH or a friend?

Alnitak - please start your own thread sweetie. The info will get lost on this thread and it won't get the attention you need, MN is safe so don't worry about being exposed, we're all here for you. Just copy and paste what you wrote into a new thread xx

Alnitak you poor thing :( Do you want to chat about it? Maybe there's someone in RL you can talk to?

Unprotected - it makes me SO angry you were made to feel like you were lying. As if a 5yo could actually come up with something like that!

Reading so many stories on MN has made me realise how fucked up my own family was (I was believed, sure, but nothing actually happened after I told because my parents were cowards) - I'd just accepted it until then. I feel angrier now than I did then, TBH.

Alnitak, it may feel less exposing if your name changed. Your profile is private so noone can trace you. Threads like this can cause all kinds of emotions particularly, i guess if you are a victim of abuse.

There are helplines you can phone to talk to someone trained depending on your area. I suggest you google helpline for adults abused as children and you will get some links.

Thank you, I have started my own thread now, I would appreciate some support, this is very very scary for me

Sorry I didnt mean for my post to make anyone feel sick or sad.

Its the first time Ive seen it in black and white and it does seem rather odd from my point of view, only ever discussed this with my partner.

When I read OP post though I replied quite early on under my normal name, but have not been able to get it out of my head since and needed to say a little more to substantiate my original answer.

Hopefully if OP is still reading it may help her stay strong on her decision.

unprotected I think people only feel sick and sad that that happened to you, not that you posted about it! You were very brave to post :)

wildstrawberryplace - i too was that person. When the abuse was eventually exposed the woman who bore me muttered something about 'suspicians' ....hence me wanting to scream into the abyss 'why the hell didn't you get me out then?'

luckily for her i had stopped contact with her years before so she never had to hear my screams

She's nice and friendly with the abuser though - which should make for cosy christmas chats with my siblings god forbid anyone mention that other sister

so sorry for all the hurt on this thread x

If you don't know the answer to this then your as bad as your oh

Their is no way even if you were in the home you could watch your children 24/7 on a visit

Even innocent photos of your children could be used for your fil to get off yuk

You wouldn't be able to send him photos of the kids with out thinking the worst

Could you live with your self if they were abused by your fil and even worse still you and oh would be complicit as you know what he is capable of

And further more why the he'll are you and oh still in contact with your fil people come on here always wanting to cut family off for trivial reasons this is not trivial and any instances of kiddy fiddling gets a red card in my book I would not be contact by them again family or not

Sorry but I could not be married to someone who has contact with a pedophile

That awful man behind every photo is a abused child people who fancy children don't suddenly stop because they got caught by the police

I don't care what line fil has spun your oh about it all being a awful mistake don't do it

Maypole

(As I see it) I think the OP is on the same page as us re the awful circumstances & the need to distance herself.

However her DH is suffering & she loves him so she is trying to be supportive as he is clearly in denial & there is a lot of family pressure on him/them to play this "happy families" farce. I hasten to add I am not condoning his actions.

In the same way as an abusive controlling partner in a domestic abuse situation wears down the "victim" psychologically, undermining their abiity to think straight so has the FIL in this worn down his family's resistance, creating this reformed character shit. Mr OP wants to believe his Dad is OK & "cured" & it sounds like the rest of the family are all putting HUGE pressure on him to join in this fantasy world they are creating.

No way for one minute do I think they should go along with the sickening cover-up but having read this thread I do feel sorry for the OP & her DH. She is having to do what she KNOWS is right but at the same time support her DH who is suffering terribly as the realisation of the monster that his previously beloved father has become really sinks in.

I agree bossy, it must be a really difficult time for DH, it is not easy to suddenly cut somebody out of your life on the basis of a new revelation. He must be really confused - he could have had the perfect childhood or he could be wondering if something did happen to him as a child, he could be suddenly seeing past events in a whole new light. It is not DH's fault that his father has done this, and it is not his fault that he's struggling to deal with the information.

That doesn't change, obviously, the fact that the children MUST come first and there needs to be no contact or photos between them - but the OP does need to be sensitive about his feelings about it.

When the abuse was eventually exposed the woman who bore me muttered something about 'suspicians' ....hence me wanting to scream into the abyss 'why the hell didn't you get me out then?'

OMG. Yes. My parents said that. When I told them they actually guessed who it was instantly, and said "yes we always wondered if something was going on" - I mean WTF?!? Was that supposed to make me feel better?