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Original poster

Is there anyone out there who tolerates their DH's affairs?

146 replies

IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 12:25

Have named changed for this. We have been married for a long time. I found out a few years ago that my DH has had a number of EAs over the years, he claims they never got physical.

He says that he loves me and I'm the one he wants to be with, but he needs this other 'contact'. He says I should be able to 'share' and that there is no reason to be jealous of these other women. We have a good sex life and he treats me well in other respects.

The problem is that I find this extremely difficult, if not impossible to cope with. If he loves me, I don't understand why he would want to spend his time and energy, even if it's only a little, on these other women. I thought that he would get bored with it, but it's getting worse if anything.

Is there really anyone out there who is able to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing? And if there is, what are your coping strategies? How do you manage? Is it just that I'm not that kind of person?

OP posts:
noddyholder · 13/11/2011 12:27

The words cake and eat it come to mind. I think this is totally about what sort of personality you are and how serious you took your wedding vows. If it is not your cup of tea i doubt it ever will be. And I would put money on it being physical

Doha · 13/11/2011 12:28

Sorry but l would find this intolerable.

He is investing time and energy better spent on his family.

FabbyChic · 13/11/2011 12:28

Ask him if he is happy for you to do the same.

Original poster
IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 12:33

Fabby, yes, he has said he would be happy for me to do the same. When pressed, i.e. 'you mean you really wouldn't mind if I went and shagged other blokes' he said that he would mind but that he would understand why I would need to do it.

OP posts:
OneHandFlapping · 13/11/2011 12:36

No. I couldn't tolerate this. He is spinning you a line about "needing" this other contact. It's pure selfishness on his part. I also wouldn't believe that they'd never got physical.

It sounds like he's been a shit for years.

oliviasmama · 13/11/2011 12:44

From your post, I think you too find it intolerable.

"We have a good sex life and he treats me well in other respects." ......he has you totally brain washed.

I feel sorry for you that you dont have the ability to extricate yourself from this situation. Only you can change this but first you have to want to.

clam · 13/11/2011 12:44

"He says I should be able to 'share' "

Shock Shock This isn't a packet of Smarties, ffs.

Original poster
IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 12:46

OneHand, I don't think he's 'spinning me a line' - as far as he's concerned, he needs it.

I suppose if I asked this question on a different sort of site I would get a different persepective Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 12:46

clam - LOL
(not funny really tho :( )

OP posts:
TheFidgetySheep · 13/11/2011 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneHandFlapping · 13/11/2011 12:51

It makes me think of that awful Alan Clarke, and his meek little wifey, who tolerated his appalling affairs. What do you actually get out of this relationship? An open marriage is something that has to be agreed by both parties, rather than one telling the other that they need to share.

I maybe could forgive one mistake, but not ongoing infidelity.

If DH told me that I needed to share, he would be out of here before his feet touched the ground.

BertieBotts · 13/11/2011 12:51

It would be fine for him to do this if he was married to someone who was happy to be in an open relationship.

Not fine for him to do it and assume you're okay with it. Why didn't he initiate a conversation with you first? Because he knew you wouldn't like it? Because that indicates a huge lack of respect to me.

He knew when he married you that fidelity was expected of him. He ought to have said, then, if he wanted something different.

SnapesMistress · 13/11/2011 12:51

I had an open relationship that lasted a while but it only worked as we went with other physically but did not let them last or get involved.

Ex then had an EA and that was it. It was the emotional investment that I could not cope with, he could have shagged a million women and I would not have cared but when he got another girlfriend I was heartbroken.

ledkr · 13/11/2011 12:53

Well if you insist on staying then there is only one option.Actually do it.Actually join a dating site and sit openly chatting to other men and then occasionally go out to meet a friend without telling him who with and see if he really thinks it ok.If he does then the othefr choice is wetaher to stay with someone who clearly doesnt love you enough.

Original poster
IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 12:55

When we got married I'm sure that he intended to be faithful, we were very young at the time.

As far as exit strategies go, we are currently temporarily separated. But I miss him - it's a nice day, we should be out together somewhere, but we're not :(

OP posts:
TooEasilyTempted · 13/11/2011 12:56

If I was going to tolerate anything it would be one night stands or a 'just sex' affair. I wouldn't tolerate an EA at all. He is investing his feelings in other women, not a chance I'd put up with that. You sound totally brainwashed.

noddyholder · 13/11/2011 12:56

do you have children?

Original poster
IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 12:59

Snapes - I don't think I could have coped with the shagging, the EAs are really hard to deal with - hope you are OK now

We discussed open relationships. He was up for that at first but then he changed his mind. I didn't ask him why, but I suspect he read up on it, as I did, and discovered that he had to disclose everything and not get involved - I don't think that's what he wants at all, especially the openness.

OP posts:
Original poster
IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 13:00

noddy, yes we have dc, but youngest is 17

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 13/11/2011 13:00

"as far as he's concerned, he needs it. "

No. he doesn't need it. he doesn't think he needs it.

he wants it. and he wants you to go along with it so he can, as noddy says, have his cake and eat it.

personally there is no way i could live with someone who was that unsatisfied with me that he had to look elsewhere, and who wanted to me to "share" like a little kid with a toy.
if you are unhappy with it he should stop.
if he says he can't then you should leave him.

TheFidgetySheep · 13/11/2011 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneHandFlapping · 13/11/2011 13:04

If you are temporarily separated then you have jumped the biggest hurdle already. Don't get back with him.

Go and see family, or ring a friend. If you have lost touch with friends over the years, contact them again out of the blue. Get out for a walk on your own. I love walking alone.

Take up new hobbies. Change your job (or get a job). Organise some voluntary work. Do something you've always longed to do.

How old are you, IfOnlyICould?

thisisyesterday · 13/11/2011 13:05

ahh ifonly, i think this is really common when people separate. you look back and remember the good bits and you get this idea in your head of how lovely it would be if you were back together and you could do all that good stuff again.

but don't forget that it wouldn't just be the good stuff you'd get back, it'd be the secrecy, the lies, the other women... that's no way to live your life is it?

Original poster
IfOnlyICould · 13/11/2011 13:07

Fidgety - yes it is. If I was one of those people who could turn a blind eye, I would be perfectly happy. Setting aside the problem, he's kind, generous and tolerant, we get on well, we have a lovely house, enough money etc.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 13/11/2011 13:13

What do you get out of it? Do your friends and family know? If it is something he feels is ok and he needs as a part of his life then let it be out in the open and see how he feels. You are already separated with a bit of support you could make this final. He really is taking the p seriously.