Is there anyone out there who tolerates their DH's affairs?

[IfOnlyICould]

Have named changed for this. We have been married for a long time. I found out a few years ago that my DH has had a number of EAs over the years, he claims they never got physical.

He says that he loves me and I'm the one he wants to be with, but he needs this other 'contact'. He says I should be able to 'share' and that there is no reason to be jealous of these other women. We have a good sex life and he treats me well in other respects.

The problem is that I find this extremely difficult, if not impossible to cope with. If he loves me, I don't understand why he would want to spend his time and energy, even if it's only a little, on these other women. I thought that he would get bored with it, but it's getting worse if anything.

Is there really anyone out there who is able to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing? And if there is, what are your coping strategies? How do you manage? Is it just that I'm not that kind of person?

noddy - I get love, sex, emotional support and companionship from him when we're together. Since we've been apart, I've had none of the above. I've been out quite a lot with friends etc. and I work full time, so I'm not just moping at home. We've been a part for about 2 months now.

My dc know and some of my friends, but not my parents or the rest of my family. My parents are very old and would be devastated. Because the separation is temporary at the moment, I see no reason to distress them.

How does he feel about the separation or is he on one of his EAs atm?

He sounds extremely selfish :(

baby - we're having 'no contact', so not sure how he feels. It isn't just one EA, he just constantly 'chases' women, mostly on the internet.

Last time we discussed the situation properly, he was prepared to end our marriage rather than stop what he was doing, that was probably about 18 months ago now.

He is a selfish cock, IfOnly. I think your marriage is over. His terms are intolerable, and if you comply with them, you are just enabling his unspeakable behaviour.

I understand about not telling your very old parents. My sisters and I now try not to tell ours anything that would upset them. But you can't carry on living like this.

You can get love, sex, emotional support and companionship from someone who loves you equally. You need to find and harness your inner anger at how much this arse is taking you for a ride, and stop grieving for this man who doesn't match up to what you deserve.

IfOnly, it sounds like you are missing him, and in many respects you have a good relationship.............would you rather you got back together, but with the relationship on a slightly different footing ie you continue as you were, but with the proviso that you are free to do as he is doing, should the opportunity or inclination arise?

I know of two couples whose marriages ran along those lines - they had fantastic (if slightly unorthodox) relationships. But both parties were accepting of the others behaviour, and that (for most people) is the sticking point isn't it...And when you married, not what you signed up for.

pollyblue - I'm not sure. I think this is what I want, but I just don't know if I can accept his behaviour, even if I could do the same and he accepted mine. I think I will talk this through with my counsellor next week.

I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor and getting some RL support. Emotions are a bloody minefield aren't they?

Why the hell should you accept it? Good luck to him finding another woman who would accept it, too.

Put more effort into enjoying your life without him. He's destined to have a lonely old age.

Last time we discussed the situation properly, he was prepared to end our marriage rather than stop what he was doing, that was probably about 18 months ago now. Sadly that says it all to me :(

I'd be doing what imperialblether said and would concentrate on enjoying your life to the max without him. His terms would be intolerable to me. FWIW he doesn't just sound like a selfish twat, he sounds a proper sad twat who will have a very lonely old age.

"Last time we discussed the situation properly, he was prepared to end our marriage rather than stop what he was doing,".....

that is your answer!

If you want him to stop or lose you, one strategy which might work is to consider what you normally do and which he would expect you to do. Then do the opposite. Risky but very often successful.

Open relationshps are acceptable when both parties agree - the problem here is that he isn't respecting your feelings. He is disregarding your sadness, unhappiness and hurt - and you are going to feel more and more crushed and humiliated if you put up with a situation that actually makes you feel shit. Relationships are about kindness, love and respect - if your partner makes you feel like crap - what the hell is the point?

I have to disagree when you say he is kind - in what way is he kind, riding roughshod over your feelings and the vows that you took? He is being incredibly selfish and putting his very childish desires ahead of your happiness - when you should be the most important person in his life.

I really recommend you have some counselling on your own to think things through - because I wonder why you are feeling that what YOU want doesn't matter here. He doesn't get to simply say 'this is how it will work now' - it's a partnership. Do you lack confidence in other areas? this would be completely intolerable to me - and I cannot imagine seeing my partner in pain at my actions and carrying on.

Can you really see yourself carrying on for years like this? Never trusting him, never knowing what he is doing. Trust is like falling backwards - you need to know what will be there to catch you. As someone who struggled for so long with trust - it's so amazing to have a partner I can trust and who knows how important it is to me. You don't need to accept this - and I think that with some help from a counsellor you can make very clear to him what his choices are - accept your boundaries or he loses you.

If he chooses cheap thrills over his relationship with you, then sadly you know how he feels about your marriage.

and - re. him saying he was prepared to end the marriage - think very hard about exactly what that means. It means marriage is a good propsition to him - ON HIS TERMS ONLY. That's not love.

oliviasmama - not necessarily - that was his opinion after a few years of me tolerating his behaviour and while he was still at home and having his cake and eating it (as someone put it). We are now temporarily separated (so have already done what fiventhree suggests), and I don't if his view has changed since then because we are currently not in contact.

Still waiting to see if there is anyone out there who does actually tolerate/accept this :( (apart from pollyblue's friends)

waterrat - he claims that he is unhappy and sad if he doesn't do this, which is why I have tried to accept it, I don't want to see him unhappy either. He's not disregarding my sadness etc. Presumably he considers that his unhappiness in not doing this is greater than my unhappiness when he does if you see what I mean.

IfOnlyIcould - why are you so desperate to find someone who does tolerate this? To justify or normalise his selfish behaviour?

You know even if ten posters say 'yes I put up with this and all is rosy in our marriage' ...it won't make you feel any happier, not for more than a fleeting moment. Those women would also probably be lying to themselves - not all, but most.

I think his behaviour is beyond the beyonds of unacceptable. You seem warm and kind and lovely. You deserve more than this.

I could not tolerate it. A one-off short-term physical affair could be forgiven, but this situation, no. He is not invested in your relationship and shows no sign of changing.

"he claims that he is unhappy and sad if he doesn't do this"

He is manipulating you, relying on the fact that you, loving him, will not want him to be unhappy and sad.

Proud - No, I'm not looking for justifications. I'm curious as to whether this situation really exists happily. If you ever hear of it, it's always 'someone I know' or 'a friend of a friend'.

I'd just like to ask them if they ever have any feelings of jealousy and if they do, how do they cope? I'd like to ask them if their relationships are completely open, or whether they have secrets. Do they really love their partners or are they in a 'parallel life' kind of relationship, how long has their situation been going on? etc. I would like to know if their 'terms' are different to what my H wants, and if so, what they are, maybe I would find them acceptable and be able manage in the same way

and thank you!

he would rather give up the marriage (!) than give up constantly chasing women over the internet and elsewhere for emotional contacts?

I am afraid that would have to be the end of the marriage for me. If you can live with it and you want to , that is entirely your business and I would not want to sway you but I would personally suggest that what he prefers to a solid loving and also physically intimately relationship makes him sound seriously odd

I hope he is using protection when having sex...

A drunken one night stand I could maybe, maybe get over. With a massive loss of respect I would struggle to get over. But this? No. It is selfish, cruel and thoughtless and I am sure you deserve better.

I'm ok now Ifonly have a great DP who really loves me. :)

Our open relationship was just wrt sex, I had a lot of one night stands, more than him in fact. The difference was I made sure to never get attached, even if I wanted to I would say no, this is what goes on and I'm not going to see you again random man.

He basically tried changing the rules as soon as he found someone who would keep shagging him and said I was being selfish for wanting him to not have what he wanted. As if I hadn't given up men I liked because of him.

I could not stand the fact that he would love someone other than me. It also made me see the incredible selfishness that lay within him. He would take what he wanted and did not give a flying fuck how much it hurt me. The sad thing was that he truly believed he loved me and was very sad when I left.

I see the same thing in your husband, he is very selfish but can't see it.

Well what matters is how you feel - he is supposed to make you happy and that should be his first concern. As its not even a priority for him - at best I'd give him a chance to go to counselling. If having a cushy house but no marital respect is OK with you it's your life and choice to make - I couldn't and wouldn't turn a blind I - I want a man who respects me and loves me foresaking everything else and controlls any other desires which are detrimental to our love.

Snape - yes I think my H truly believes he loves me, he was extremely upset when he moved out :(
Elle - I understand what you're saying, but its a partnership, its supposed to work both ways. To turn round what you said, I am supposed to make him happy too, that should be my first concern, and that is why I attempted to accept the situation.
Having a 'cushy house' as you put it, and no marital respect is not OK with me. I only mentioned the house because someone asked me what I got out of the relationship - house was one of the things I said (maybe I should have said 'home'), and not the most important thing. He has respect for me, he said he thought I was very brave in allowing him to do this.