Is there anyone out there who tolerates their DH's affairs?

[IfOnlyICould]

Have named changed for this. We have been married for a long time. I found out a few years ago that my DH has had a number of EAs over the years, he claims they never got physical.

He says that he loves me and I'm the one he wants to be with, but he needs this other 'contact'. He says I should be able to 'share' and that there is no reason to be jealous of these other women. We have a good sex life and he treats me well in other respects.

The problem is that I find this extremely difficult, if not impossible to cope with. If he loves me, I don't understand why he would want to spend his time and energy, even if it's only a little, on these other women. I thought that he would get bored with it, but it's getting worse if anything.

Is there really anyone out there who is able to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing? And if there is, what are your coping strategies? How do you manage? Is it just that I'm not that kind of person?

MoChan - "Your marriage is only ever going to work (if it works) on HIS terms" - no, I disagree, that's why I've asked him to leave. I'm trying to establish MY terms, if I consider that there is a marriage left to work on.

EmmaBemma - I agree, it doesn't matter, I would just be interested to hear what they have to say

world - there may be 'a lot of women' but so far, none of them have come forward on here!

youtalkin - yes he has been. Maybe that will change, I know I deserve better, this is what our separation is about.

whoopee - it may be total bs, it may not.

carrie - thank you

things - it may turn out that I would rather be on my own too, this is what I'm trying to establish.

bugsy - I have a problem with both EAs and physical

noddy no need to be insulting and the whole point of me starting this thread was to see if anyone would come forward, so yes it is telling me something that no-one has, yet. Although one has to bear in mind that this is a family oriented site, so the likelihood of someone coming forward is far less than if I'd posted on a different sort of site.

sparkly - thanks for that, my H has also said that. And yes my H is weak, human beings are not perfect.

AF - As it happens, I have a good job and can support myself and dc, however, I'm not sure that many mums, especially those with young children, are lucky enough to be in that position. Generous is not necessarily financial.
And, no, it's definitely not my only option, I'm trying to keep an open mind and explore all my options.

It sounds as though you're looking for someone's permission to stay in the marriage. You don't need that, but it would be helpful if you were aware of the potential consequences of that decision.

What you and your husband decide about your marriage is up to you, but it's naive to think that your joint actions won't have had an impact on other people, both in the past and in the future.

If you decide to go outside the marriage, what 'rules' will you have? Will you be honest with each man? Will you insist that each OM is single, or would you do the same to another woman, as has been done to you - and get involved with attached men who won't demand that you leave your husband? What will your ethics be about this?

Is your husband honest with the women with whom he has affairs? Do they each know that they are just another in a long line of OW? Staying with him and tolerating his affairs gives him a good cover-story for pretending that he has fallen in love with each new woman, but can't leave his wife and family - when the truth would be that he doesn't want to stay faithful to one person.

Then there's your children, who presumably know why you're estranged from their Dad. What will they learn about adult relationships if you stay together? What lessons will they learn about fidelity and treating others with dignity? What lessons have they learnt already and how much responsibility will you both take for that?

aren't there only 2 options ?

1. have him back and accept he will never be faithful, be aware that you the best you could for is that he is discreet never shits on his own doorstep and that you never have to deal with his messes

2. decide you deserve better than this, and make that real by waving him on his way, and working out an effective co-parenting arrangement

Are there any others ?

best you could hope for

Sorry if you think it was an insult but I do feel that no advice apart from Give it a go would please you. You are right this is a family site but you are a family from what you have said. If you posted on a site for open relationships you would probably get guidance from people who have been in your position that is true but I didn't think that was what you were asking. I understand why you are saying what you are when you love someone and have a history you try everything but I think it is all coming from you and he is getting his way

Ifonly, I could have tolerated one night stands, I could not tolerate my H having a relationship, in the fullest sense of the word, with another woman. I know men who have affairs & who are convinced their wives never know. Who knows if that is true?
You certainly wouldn't be the first woman to tolerate infidelity if you decide to stay with your H. My biggest problem was feeling lonely, as H didn't treat me like his partner anymore - but it doesn't sound as though your H makes you feel that way.
Would you be concerned about STDs? If his affairs are not just EA, do you think he is careful & would use condoms?

To be really honest, whether someone else is happy for their H to have EA doesn't have any bearing on whether it means you should be accepting it or not.

If I was you, I would stop looking at him and what he does or doesn't and look at myself. What do you find acceptable? What do you expect from a relationship, a marriage? What are the things that are a real deal breaker and what are the things that are an issue but aren't a deal braker? Perhaps that's something you could actively explore in counselling?

Some people find that their H having an EA is a deal braker. Other thinks they would not tolerate it but are happy to work through it. Others would perhaps be 'understandable' as long as there is nothing physical happening.
Whether it is or not acceptable is down to you and you only.

Then when you have a clear idea of what you are expecting from your relationship, have a word with your H and see if he does go along with it. If he doesn't agree with your deal brakers, then you will know this relationship is finished. If he does, then you will be able to work on it and have a relationship on terms agreed by both of you.

Having a relationship that is only on his terms or on your terms isn't worth it.

Definitely important no matter what to consider sexual health.

BTW, it also means that you can not choose what are your deal brakers dpending what you think your H will react to them.

If deep down, you can not accept EA, then you can't. If deep down, it's something you can live with, then you can.
The worst thing you can do is to decide to accept something (whatever it is) for fear of being alone or for fear of the pain coming with separating with a long term partner.

Well said Traveller. I think you are spot on.

Been thinking about this some more. If I'm really honest it was pretty obvious that my ex was being unfaithful but I chose to ignore it as I was already walking on enough eggshells and was more in a survival state as in my normal state that would have been intolerable. How many women live like this long term I don't know.

TBH I can't see how this can be tolerated in a close loving relationship.

Bugsy mde a good point, if he's not getting sex out of it what's his motivation. Just some sad insecure mummys boy???

charbon I don't need anyone else's permission to stay, only my own - which at the moment, I'm not giving.

I asked my H whether he told OW he was married, he said he did, but I'm not sure I believe that. If he 'meets' OW on extra-marital affairs websites (which is what he has been doing), then I consider the OW to be able to look out for themselves. If, however, he starts using forums on other 'innocent' websites, then it's an entirely different matter and I've yet to have the discussion with him about whether he has thought about the effects of his behaviour on these people.

Yes, my dc know, and obviously they also know that we are separated as a consequence, I told them just before I asked H to leave. Teenagers in my experience are extremly unforgiving in these circumstances (well mine are anyway), no shades of grey for them, so giving them a clear message there.

If and it's a big if we get back together, my feeling at the moment is that, no, there will be no 'open' relationship or affairs/EAs, it will be fidelity - my biggest problem with that is how can I trust him?

AF - there is an optimistic 3rd :) (BUT I'm not saying I'll go for it ! )

noddy - no problem, but I'm trying to have a discussion here, if we all thought exactly the same it wouldn't be much of a discussion, no need to get upset if people disagree with one's opinion.

Traveller - yes I know it doesn't have any bearing, the title of the thread says 'Is there anyone out there who tolerates their DH's affairs' - as I said earlier, I'm interested to hear their views, how they manage, what their rules are, are they really happy, etc.
I'm exploring what I feel is acceptable etc., while he's not here, it gives me a much better perspective on things and much more time to think about everything.

baby - sorry to hear that, and I hope you're ok now.

Everyone - I am in the process of thinking through all this. I am moving forward. I have spent a long time living with and trying to accept H's behaviour and now I'm making changes, but I'm not going to make any hasty decisions, there is a very long relationship at stake here and this is the first time that H has tested me to my limit - maybe he thought I didn't have any limit, but he knows now. It remains to be seen what he does with that knowledge.

I am extremely grateful for everyone's opinions whether I agree with them or not, that's what a forum is about !

And I have to go back to work now ...

I am not upset think you may have understood me.

not have!

Argh post vanished. Again.

OK so the share line comes from a pussycat dolls song; if that's as deep a thinker as he is then you're shafted anyway.

Unless you actively chose an open marriage then you will almost certainly end up lonely and upset. You CAN do better, even if that's on your own knowing some other woman has to deal with his crap. Chances are he'd not really 100% committed to you and that eventually someone else will come along that he prefes, by which time you will a lot older and have wasted many eyars on a prick. This happened to my MIL- she was 65 when he finally went, about to retire. Nice. He had decided that whilst playing away was fun for recreational stuff, he did not want to be with her 24/7 so that was the time to go. Don't get me wrong- MIL isn;t an easy eprson- but he should have left 30 years before, in which cse MIL might well be with someone else, in a house she could keep up and not alone at a vulnerable time.

or 4th option = you meet and fall in love with someone who wants to be emotionally involved with just you. DH begs to have you back, but too little too late.. see ya
But anyway...

Yes trust would be a big issue. How did you find out in the beginning. Did he tell you or did it just become obvious? How?

(yes thanks, getting there :))

But it doesn't sound as though the fidelity option is available to you and I thought you'd accepted that? He seems to be saying that he would be unhappy and sad if he had to stay faithful, so he's telling you what the deal is, but you seem to be hoping that he'll relent, or that you will be able to turn a blind eye if he doesn't. You can control the latter to some extent but you can't control the former - and it doesn't look like that will ever happen anyway.

So it looks like it's a decision between whether you stay and he continues to be unfaithful, with all the collateral damage to other people that might cause (including your children), or you remain apart and are free to be either on your own or with other people.

You seem confused about what your husband is getting out of these relationships. You appear to believe that he hasn't had sex and yet he meets women on sites for NSA sex, but fails to deliver what they were presumably looking for when they registered. It seems odd that so many women looking for uncomplicated sex would be satisfied with your husband's offerings.

really ?

you see a 3rd option here ?

I don't

I feel so sorry for your DC as they are being set such a terrible example by their father. Relationships should be about loyalty and respect for each other rather than getting bored and looking for fun away from your partner because he 'needs' the contact. He sounds like a very selfish, unkind person. Could you ever really trust him again?

Some men need to be neutered to stop bad habits, just like dogs :)

You sound like a very nice thoughtful woman, I'm sure you can do better than him.

I would worry that he was only staying until someone he is prepared to leave for comes along.

Well yes

He is acting as if he is single and carefree
That usually ends with a shackupromance that lasts, no?

Thank you everyone, again :)

baby he was careless with messenger :(

Charbon - He said all that around 18 months ago and I haven't discussed it with him properly since then. At the time we were still living together. As I keep saying, I have changed things now, I asked him to move out and he has. He's now living on his own and we have no contact. He may well feel differently now, so no, the 'stay and be unfaithful' or 'separate permanently' options are not necessarily the only ones, he may have re-considered. I think it will take some time, i.e. months, for both of us to come to a decision.

Re what he gets out of the relationships, yes I am confused, yes he pursues women on the extra-marital affairs sites, but he says it almost always comes to nothing, whether this is because he bottles it, or they refuse to meet him, I don't know. He has met 2 to my certain knowledge, but quite possibly has met others. When I first found out I snooped for a while, but I stopped because it was too painful reading what he was saying to them.

AF - yes, because I have changed 'the game', by asking him to leave. I haven't discussed our relationship with him since then, my feeling at the moment is that I need some time and space for a few months before coming to any final decisions.

mouldy - My DC now know what happens if you don't show loyalty and respect. I don't know about the trust, it will be extremely difficult. and thank you :)

soup and peachy - yes, I worry about that too, that's why I think it needs to stop.

Well, this man is never going to be monogamous. He doesn't like monogamy. There is no hope at all of finding a magic button to press that will make him want to be monogamous: if you resume the relationship with him and tell him to be monogamous, he will simply get better at hiding his extramarital activities.
Or he might just do the decent thing and refuse to resume the relationship on those terms. (If you don't like monogamy but your partner is monogamous, the ethical thing to do is refuse to stay in the relationship, it's never a good idea to stay with someone just because they beg you to when you are basically not suited to being with that person).

However, it is up to you and no one else to decide what you will and won't accept in a relationship. If you feel, after considering it thoroughly, that him having affairs with other people is worth putting up with because in every other aspect he is a good partner, then you can choose to accept a monogamy-free relationship, but you have to be able to accept it, not stress about it and hope vainly for change.

I would suggest getting hold of the definitive book on the subject, Easton and Lizst 'The Ethical Slut. Reading it will give you a different perspective, and if you decide that you are not happy to take this man back on the understanding that he can have sex and connections with other women, then you will be doing so from an informed position. Best of luck.

What a horrible way to find out :( and no wonder you stopped looking, must have been so awful.

Sounds like he's living in some fantasy world tbh far away from reality. I'd wonder what he's doing now, probably still in it?

I hate to say it but I think you're wasting your time hoping he'll see sense as I think there's something fundamentally screwed up with him.

You sound really lovely by the way