Is there anyone out there who tolerates their DH's affairs?

[IfOnlyICould]

Have named changed for this. We have been married for a long time. I found out a few years ago that my DH has had a number of EAs over the years, he claims they never got physical.

He says that he loves me and I'm the one he wants to be with, but he needs this other 'contact'. He says I should be able to 'share' and that there is no reason to be jealous of these other women. We have a good sex life and he treats me well in other respects.

The problem is that I find this extremely difficult, if not impossible to cope with. If he loves me, I don't understand why he would want to spend his time and energy, even if it's only a little, on these other women. I thought that he would get bored with it, but it's getting worse if anything.

Is there really anyone out there who is able to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing? And if there is, what are your coping strategies? How do you manage? Is it just that I'm not that kind of person?

Also in light of SGBs post its more than just being monogamous or not with him. Its like he needs a whole other secret reality in order to function. I don't think even an open relationship that is ok with both parties would work on his terms. He's just not open.

He should get one of those game thingys that allows you to have a whole other life on it.

You may well be right on the monogamy thing, he will probably have to decide between non-monogamous or me, but I'm not making any decisions yet. Done the stressing and vain hoping, stopped that for now :)
Thank you for the recommendation - Just love that 'buy with 1-click' button :)

o - last post was for SGB

baby you made me laugh, game thingy yes, but oddly, he hates playing games !

If all this is old news, when was his last discovered affair and what was the catalyst for you living apart in recent times?

Hi just stumbled on this thread.

I know a man exactly like your OH
EA never end well feelings will come into play at some point.
I think your DH is a very selfish person he wont change even if he says he will he will just become better at hiding it.
I havent read the whole thread but get the gist . You need to value yourself more you are worth way more than what he is giving you.
Men like him are out for one person THEMSELVES he likes the thrill of chasing women and being relied upon and admired he probably has low self esteem himself but likes you at home for that 'stability'.
.
I hope for your sake you get out of this marriage for your own self respect your husband shares his inner feelings and emotions with other women that is not okay

charbon His last discovered affair was probably about 3 years ago. The catalyst for me leaving was that I discovered he hadn't stopped using the extra-marital affairs sites, when he'd previously said he had stopped using them. That to me was a backwards step and the last straw.

sweety yes, you are probably right on all counts and thank you

sorry - catalyst for me asking him to leave !

How did he take being asked to leave?

I wonder what he'd do if you were doing the same? Would he accept it? Not suggesting you do it, just wonder what his reaction would be.

OP, have you ever asked him how he would feel if you were unfaithful to him ?

Is this particular sauce only for the gander ?

baby - he said he thought he would have to, he was very upset :(
yellow - I asked him this already - he said he would accept it

x post with yellow

why don't you do it then ?

I would

AF - Yes, I have asked him that, just posted answer to yellow

AF :) I don't want to, I need to be emotionally involved to have sex with someone (and then I will fall in love and get my heart broken)
If I'm going to do that I need to be finished with H first.

yes

that

OP, have you talked to him about why he finds it so vital to chase women on the internet? In the light of the fact that you hope it might still work with him - it seems to me that you and he will have to address what drives him - because, as you yourself say, his desires are actually causing him a lot of problems/ pain and unhappiness.

This man is prepared to lose his family - even though he doesn't want another relationship - in order to flirt and have casual sex with women he hardly knows - that sounds like a pathological and really sad problem to me...of course that is from my own moral perspective, but in the end that's all any stranger can offer over the internet.

Reading the threads on here, it's clear many affairs happen because a relationship has lost it's spark - or, the person who cheats has fallen out of love/ or fallen in love with someone else - it seems unusual for someone to say they simply want to play around, even when it's going to lose them the person they love most in the world.

If its causing him unhappiness it seems strange that he can still see it as completely impossible to give up. Either his relationship with you isn't as important to him as he says it is - and he may even be in denial about that, because of guilt and not loving you the way he used to - or he is suffering because of a sex / attention addiction that might be changed through counselling...but that of course has to come from him ...

He says he'd accept it... in the same lame kind of tone that he also reserved for when he said he'd have to leave no doubt... poor tortured soul that he is

The reality would be very different I suspect and his bubble well and truly burst.

What happened to fighting for what you love? It sounds like he has no deep emotions... all just smoke and mirrors..

Sorry for waffling bit under the weather

waterrat yes I have tried to talk to him in the past but he gets very upset (because he knows he's hurting me) and very defensive.

Everything you say is spot on. I have spoken to my counsellor about it briefly (I've only had 2 session with her - first one being my life history obviously!) She is of the opinion that he has an addiction problem that could be helped by counselling. I asked H a long time ago to go to counselling, he point blank refused. Again, as I have now asked him to leave, so he understands that he's reached my limit and I'm serious, he may re-consider - as you say, it has to come from him.

baby - no way of conveying tone on the internet! he was sad when he said he'd accept it.

In the past he would often get angry and threaten to leave when I tried to talk to him about what he was doing. I asked him not to leave. That is why he said that he thought he would have to, when eventually I changed my mind and asked him to leave.

Sorry if I'm not making much sense now, tired, need chocolate and the radio :)

it's really good that you have your counsellor to talk to - there seems to be a large dissonance in his brain - ie. he doesn't want to hurt you by telling you how he feels about these women/ about casual sex/ perhaps about his feelings for you - but yet he has followed a path and taken actions that have really hurt you. And he is deeply sad to leave you but yet could easily stay if he chose not to follow those desires - it's interesting that he won't examine his desires, even though it's breaking up his family - that's not emotionally healthy - and suggests that he is burying a lot of the reasons that drive him deep inside...and doesn't want to examine them.

after all, if he really thought it was okay, he'd be happy to talk about it ...the kind of open relationships you talk about - and that SGB posts about - are built on complete openness, not burying things deep inside.

so often women come on here and expect their partner to change even though they aren't losing anything - you have done the right and brave thing by showing him what your boundaries are...if he can't / won't change...then you know you did what you could to create the conditions that were most likely to bring about change...

Is it worth also looking at whether his interest in other women (and perhaps his wider level of commitment to you/ attachment to your family life) has actually made you more unhappy in the past than you can perhaps admit ?- you say things are good 'except' for that - but it's such a huge issue, and he has lied to you - yet you don't seem angry with him - of course it's only the internet so you might be faking the calm!

just saw your last post - him refusing to talk to you is simply unkind. Your posts focus on his desires and whether they can be accomodated - but what about the lack of concern for your feelings? His wish to just pursue the women and then angrily refuse to talk about it? surely that is a separate example of unreasonable behaviour - and a lack of love and respect?

Yes chocolate! Good idea! Hope you have some of your fav in the house :).

Its so frustrting though. You sound so lovely and he sounds sush a spineless twat. And yes, I thought waterrats post was spot on too.

Getting angry with you is not on at all...he's trying to deflect it onto you and make you keep quiet with threats. He doesn't care you're upset as long as he doesn't have to listen to it. Not nice at all.

Maybe intensive cbt would help? but it sounds like he doesn't want help. He seems so absorbed with this ridiculous non living..

Op are ‘these woman’ more than one?? Or is it one woman he's wanting you to share him with?
Has he used protection?
Could he be paying for ‘these woman' ?
Is this a fantasy he has maybe?

I'm finding your posts quite confusing. Your OP said that his infidelity was 'getting worse, if anything', that he had insisted he needs other 'contact' and that he thinks you should be able to 'share' him.

Yet as the thread wore on, you said that you'd last properly discussed this 18 months ago and now that you'd asked him to leave, he may have 're-considered' his position. Yet the catalyst for asking him to move out was yet more recent activity on dating sites and there appear to have been no promises from him that he can and will change.

You started this thread from the stance that he wouldn't change and you wondered whether others could tolerate it and then out of nowhere seemed to develop a belief that there could be another option that involved fidelity and staying together.

I think what posters are trying to tell you is that based on what you've posted, that really isn't an option. It doesn't even sound like he thinks that's an option. He sounds resigned to the situation and accepting of it. You might like to think it's you being decisive and taking action for once, but really this is still about his choices. He hasn't changed and isn't promising to, but you seem to be arguing with yourself about whether it's you who needs to change.

I know someone who was in this position- and she coped with it basically because she had utter contempt for her husband (and probably herself). she was a great one for 'I take all his money and I know he'll always come back to me.

And nordic's story just seems to say that if you just hang on until he is too old and knackered and unfanciable to get any more women- then you'll win the Great Prize of looking after him in his decrepitude. Woo and indeed Hoo.
You say he'll always come back to you- but equally he's made it clear that he's not going to stop tomcatting around and that you can put up with it or f**k off.