Is there anyone out there who tolerates their DH's affairs?

[IfOnlyICould]

Have named changed for this. We have been married for a long time. I found out a few years ago that my DH has had a number of EAs over the years, he claims they never got physical.

He says that he loves me and I'm the one he wants to be with, but he needs this other 'contact'. He says I should be able to 'share' and that there is no reason to be jealous of these other women. We have a good sex life and he treats me well in other respects.

The problem is that I find this extremely difficult, if not impossible to cope with. If he loves me, I don't understand why he would want to spend his time and energy, even if it's only a little, on these other women. I thought that he would get bored with it, but it's getting worse if anything.

Is there really anyone out there who is able to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing? And if there is, what are your coping strategies? How do you manage? Is it just that I'm not that kind of person?

charbon - not quite sure why it's confusing ...
Yes it seemed to be getting worse, yes we last discussed it properly 18 months ago, and yes, now that he's reached the limit of my tolerance (which meant I asked him to move out, and he has moved out), he may have re-considered - I don't know because I haven't discussed it with him. The more recent activity was before he left, it's why I asked him to leave.

I started the thread to ask if anyone out there tolerated their DH's affairs (not actually for their opinions on my relationship, but that's fine, all opinions welcome :) ) The stance that he wouldn't change is based on what he said 18 months ago together with the fact that he continued up until the time I asked him to leave (he left a week after I asked him to). It's not a 'belief' that there is an option involving fidelity, it's a suggestion that this option may exist, because he may feel differently about it all now he's actually gone and we are not in contact.

I understand what posters are trying to say. What I'm trying to say is yes he was resigned to the situation, but that was before he left. I don't know if he is still resigned to it. I don't think I need to change, I've tried and it hasn't worked but that doesn't mean that I'm not interested to hear from anyone who has made it work, which is why I started this thread!

Hope that makes it a bit clearer :)

mardyarse thought about the contempt thing, but I think that's very bad for the soul. lol at Woo and indeed Hoo.
What I said was that he says that I'm the one etc., and yes 'put up or f*k off' was his attitude, but effectively, I have f*cked off - dunno what he's thinking now.

What are you asking ?

If you are separated now, are you still hankering after a reconcilliation? Are you asking if we think his behaviour is acceptable?

You see it really doesn't matter what anyone else can tolerate- it's what YOU can tolerate- or not.

Are you also considering taking him back if he promises to change his ways?

Look at it this way- I don't go for the romantic notion that 1 person provides all our needs- emotional, physical, intellectual. Lucky the person who does have that in 1 person.

But having affairs - or close relationships outside the boundaries of friendship- is not the answer - unless both parties agree on this.

if your DH is interested, he should really go for counselling or you should both go for couples counselling via Relate, to help him/you discover why he needs these extra relationships.

No, I'm still confused but maybe I'm in a minority here.

There seem to be holes a mile wide in the timeline here. The conversation 18 months ago doesn't seem to have any relevance to any further acts of infidelity on his part and you seem to have had no conversations about his views on fidelity since finding out about the most recent dating site activity, even though you asked him to leave and read a book. You don't mention what time gap there was between that discovery and asking him to leave and you don't say how long you have been living apart.

Ultimately though, if he's not pressing to come back and making promises of change, I'd deduce that he doesn't want to - and as someone else said, that might actually be an ethical choice.

charbon
Timeline:
About 6 years ago I discovered the EAs and that he was using several extra marital affairs sites. We had a lot of discussion at the time, I decided to try to turn a blind eye.
About 18 months ago, I last discussed it with him. I was still trying to turn a blind eye, he said he'd stopped using the extra-marital affairs sites.
About 6 months ago I discovered that he'd started using the extra-marital affairs sites again, I was still trying to turn a blind eye, but I was struggling so spent the next 4 months or so deciding what to do.
5 weeks ago I asked him to leave.
4 weeks ago he left on a temporary separation/no contact basis.
I don't know what he is thinking now because I haven't discussed it with him for 18 months.
He may have had a change of heart because his circumstances have now changed drastically and I don't think he ever thought I would ask him to go.

Amelia I am asking exactly what the title of this thread says. In my opening post I explained a bit about my background and finished with some further questions.

No-one has come forward and said that they would tolerate this (apart from one person who PMd me and knew of a couple who managed this successfully and a couple of people who've said they've had open relationships, which isn't the same) The thread has got completely sidetracked because people are concerned about me and my relationship (thank you :) ) and asked me a lot of questions which I have tried to answer as best I can.

AND, I'm very appreciative of all your opinions.

I was asking the question in the first place, not because it would change what I would tolerate and what I wouldn't, but because I'm interested to know and I like to try to keep an open mind.

Society's behaviour is based on what society considers 'normal' and 'acceptable'.

So, if 99% of people who posted had said, "yes, this is fine, my DH/DW does that all the time, what's the matter with you?", it would not have altered what I personally could or couldn't tolerate, but it would have altered my view on what H is doing. And, yes, I know that a 99% response is extremely unlikely, especially on this site, but I thought I'd ask. It may have turned out that, say, 25% of people said they did this, less unlikely, but that's not the case either.

Hope that clears things up a bit !

well, I'm sorry but if you are asking as a purely academic or theoretical exercise- what on earth is the point in that?

I think you know the answer already-if you read MN at all you will see that there are very , very few women who would tolerate affairs of any kind- bar Jane Clark.

I don't believe that you are as detached from this as you seem- if your relationship is over why are you wasting emotional energy on what "society" thinks of your ex's behaviour? So you can forgive him in some way?

Sorry- but this is so odd- I think you need to be more honest with yourself over your motives for this post.

Ifonly, you didn't just set us all off on a chat conversation about "can a woman ever overlook her OH's affairs" you told us about your own situation & then asked if it were possible to turn a blind eye. Having told us about your own very specific set up, it would be very difficult for it to just be a general discussion about women in general tolerating affairs.
After 6 years of knowing about your OH's EAs, you must have a fairly good idea of whether or not you can tolerate it or not. From your first post it sounds like you can't.
I asked this before, but do you why your OH needs this other "contact" and are you sure it is just EAs? If he is searching for someone else, then it could just be a question of time before he leaves you, but if he just enjoys the thrill of the chase, the fleeting pleasure of knowing he is still attractive to other women - then that may be something you could live with?

The story may be 'whoo de whoop hoo' but the realities can be very different from swanning off into the sunset by yourself, champagne in hand and new gorgeous reliable lover in the other.

Not all marriages are romantic, some are pragmatic which may ruin the 'happily ever after fairytale' that we all peddle. Sometimes husbands aren't the only focus in a wife's life and is merely the companion at home, that a pleasant history is shared with.

I'd love to hear from women on here in their late 60's and here what there take is.

hear and their goddamit

Nordic what has age got to do with it?

OP- I think you are having us and yourself on!
In effect, your DH has only been gone for 4 weeks, you are hardly separated formally or permanently.

As for not discussing it with him for 18 months- well, what does that say about the state of your marriage and communication within it? I find it incredible that he was behaving like this with your knowledge for a long time, and you kept quiet until 5 weeks ago, when you asked him to leave - when presumably he wanted to go as you can't lock a man out of his legal home.

Stop kidding yourself on your motives for this post.

I'm wondering if age has something to do with it as it will be a) most certainly post menopause b) into retirement c) do i want a decent conversationalist over a man who's a great lay d) FINANCIAL INSECURITY and little time to do anything about that.

OP - i think you want lots of people say it's OK so that you can justify staying to yourself.

Does he currently want you to stay? He's not exactly beating the door to have you back, which much be distressing. So, if you've had a (justifiable) flounce but he seems to have called your bluff which has left your negotiating powers somewhat reduced.

In your case, i'd make it a permanent split. You can always remain good friends, stranger things have happened.

You got married on the understanding - spoken or otherwise - that you were both entering into the traditional monogamous deal. Now it turns out this deal has ended - ended some time ago, in fact. So the new deal, take it or leave it, is undisclosed polygamy or nothing.

I was tolerant of XH1's philanderings ... but it turned out I wasn't really; it was part of an overall pattern of abuse although I didn't recognise it at the time. I've given the matter a lot of subsequent thought. The reality (for me, not necessarily anyone else) is that I'm not much bothered by one-night stands although I'd never tell a partner this! I have a serious problem with inappropriate emotional involvement outside the relationship: an EA steals something from the home relationship, in the way a one-off shag does not. I also hated all the lying. I knew most of the time, as you do, then was left with the unpleasant choice between faking, where I should have been free to be honest, and triggering a stupidly angry showdown.

Because I don't like the emotional aspect of affairs or dishonesty, it's only rational for me to say I have a zero-tolerance policy. When a person has a sexual relationship with someone else, they usually become involved to some extent and this leads to deception. There's also a strong element of using people - seeing others as 'things' for fun - and that's not a quality I can love or respect.

I respect couples choosing an open relationship, with honesty and equality, but what your H demands seems both dishonest and unfair. He's not asking you to engage equally in a certain style of marriage; he's offering you a partial marriage. I don't feel you should accept that offer because it doesn't fulfil YOUR needs, only his. It's unequal.

It may be that you're now incompatible. It may be that you'd be better off dating than living together. Or it might be best for you to 'rip off the plaster' and start being properly single. It's up to you ... Just be very careful that you don't start twisting yourself out of shape (being untrue to your self) out of fear. You'll be okay, you know.

Nordic I am trying to follow your posts as part of this discussion and TBH I am lost by them! I have read most of the thread but cannot see any discussion on behalf of the OP about having to choose between good conversation and sex! Are you replying to another thread in error??!!

As for the sex- please don't be so ageist and assume that women do not want sex post menopause-I'd put myself in that category but these days, especially with HRT etc, many women want and have sex into their 80s. it's not the perogative of the under 50s.

Sorry - just randomly bleating.

I definitely don't meant to be ageist. Just that said older mate who is staring at a horribly uncertain pension is making do. We were talking about relationships and she (and yes i did find it depressing) told me that in her 30's and 40's she had still craved the heat in a relationship but now she was older she appreciated other things, such as conversation. This was in response to me missing a physical relationship in my relationship and she told me that my drive would diminish. That's why i would love to have a chat with more older women to see if i'm being spun a line..

I don't know - i don't have the answers. We all seem to tell and listen to what we want to hear anyway.

for the record Nordic- she hasn't left him or been booted out- he has left her.

I don't think- with respect- that your post is answering the question- you seem to be saying that she needs to consider whether she wants financial security over wild sex and glamour- it's not a choice that is on offer for the OP- she wanted to do a straw poll on people's attitudes to affairs.

It's probably not - i've kind of gotten lost on this thread as it was a philanderer that was left by the woman in my example!

nordic I disagree with your "older" friend

don't put up with a crap relationship now in the hope that in time a dwindling sex drive will be in proportion to what you are currently facing

you could face a very long wait...or it may never happen

really, that is the truth of it for many women these days

Look, if you're in an unsatisfactory relationship the urge to get down & dirty with your partner diminishes. You don't want regular sex with people you don't like. I think your friend was trying to comfort herself, not you. She's made an unhappy choice, so she needs to tell herself she's 'not missing much' anyway.

My mother's in her 80s and has a good sex life. (I wish she wouldn't tell me about it, but at least I got it first-hand )

This all sounds a bit like "He's a good man- he doesn't bother me much".

or when he does "I lie back and think of England."

Trading sex, or lack of sex, for a nice home. Very 1950s.

"Pull my nightie down when you are finished, dear"

yuk

or even "don't wake me up, and pull my nightie down....." lol.