Is there anyone out there who tolerates their DH's affairs?

[IfOnlyICould]

Have named changed for this. We have been married for a long time. I found out a few years ago that my DH has had a number of EAs over the years, he claims they never got physical.

He says that he loves me and I'm the one he wants to be with, but he needs this other 'contact'. He says I should be able to 'share' and that there is no reason to be jealous of these other women. We have a good sex life and he treats me well in other respects.

The problem is that I find this extremely difficult, if not impossible to cope with. If he loves me, I don't understand why he would want to spend his time and energy, even if it's only a little, on these other women. I thought that he would get bored with it, but it's getting worse if anything.

Is there really anyone out there who is able to turn a blind eye to this sort of thing? And if there is, what are your coping strategies? How do you manage? Is it just that I'm not that kind of person?

But if something that makes you happy really hurts the person you love that isn't right surely....
Having secretive emotional affairs with other women isn't reasonble behaviour in a loving relationship by anyones standards and doesn't fall anywhere within the widely accepted rules of swinging even.

he was extremely upset when he moved out not enough to change his behaviour though.

FWIW if you did the same... exactly what he's doing, he would not be happy.

Seriously you deserveso much more than this rubbish x

if just one downtrodden woman comes on here and tells you that she "tolerates" her husband fucking around with other women, will you see that as your signal to take him back ?

what are looking for ?

you are already separated

keep it that way

do you honestly imagine he is posting such sad entreaties on the internet while you have your little break ?

no

he is planning his hook-ups, like has all along

keep walking...and hang onto your self respect

your current loneliness will be temporary...but if you take him back on these terms, your life will get infinitely shittier

he just constantly 'chases' women, mostly on the internet

OP imagine for minute that you substitute the internet for the office or in the street.

Doesn't sound so acceptable now, does it?

He is the local letch boosting his ego, he 'needs' this emotional affairs, why? Because his wife doesn't understand him?

He says he respects you. Easy words to keep you in order, his actions absolutely say otherwise.

This is difficult. In RL i know a woman who divorced her DH because of his affairs and bitterly regrets doing so. She was screwed in the divorce, saw her net worth and social standing plummet and is now reasonable friends with her ex because of children. The kids are fully grown up and, now remarried, he is much older and after a bout of cancer, no longer a womaniser at all. She wishes she hadn't listen to outraged friends, carried on and now had a good companion and a pension into her old age. She says expectations change as you get older.

He "needs" to have these other women. What do you need? What was he doing to meet your needs?
I can't think of any examples, except perhaps royalty or the superrich where the wife turns a blind eye because she likes the status/perks. Don't think there is much love involved.

"He has respect for me, he said he thought I was very brave in allowing him to do this."

.......

Some people you really cannot help.

I believe there are successful open relationships, but to be worthy of the name 'relationship' they have to involve some degree of give and take, and both partners actively choosing that lifestyle, not being emotionally blackmailed into it. This doesn't sound like a man who would ever put your needs first - in fact, he is trying to make you feel guilty for even having needs, and by the sound of it doing a pretty good job.

The trouble is with the 'terms' your DH is touting is that they never were the 'terms' where they? You didn't marry him on the basis he could have EAs, and when he started chasing these women, it doesn't sound like it sat down with you first and asked if you'd be happy changing the rules of your relationship first.

Instead, he sneaked on ahead with doing something that personally, I don't know any partner who wouldn't be devastated by in RL, and is now making a lame and sanctimonious attempt to justify it as 'needs'. Bloody cheek!

I know that sounds harsh and that he might be nice in other ways, but there's a world between his behaviour and couples who (unusually) decide to have an open relationship from the start!

And if you go back to him you have no guarantee he won't change the rules again and leave you for one of these women.

Wow! a lot of replies - first of all, I'm trying to have a discussion here, and to those of you who are getting upset because I appear to disagree with your opinions, I would like to say, I'm not necessarily disagreeing, I'm playing devil's advocate as well.

If it's at all possible I would like to salvage my relationship - I don't know if it's possible, that's why I'm posting on here and why I'm having counselling. There was a thread yesterday about someone worrying about her H giving lifts home to someone - that raised red flags for me, but not for a lot of other people. I'm looking for some perspective, life is not black and white. I'm also of the opinion that a long term relationship is deserving of some work to save (yes, work from both sides). If I had only been with him for 18 months say, I would be gone.

I have recently drastically changed my situation in that I asked H to move out, which he has. I have no idea what he's feeling now, whether he's missing me dreadfully and has decided that he needs to stop what he's doing and work on our relationship, or whether he has realised that he prefers to be on his own.

AF - no, I already answered that question that when Proudnscary asked me yesterday. I would like to 'talk' to some people who are in non-monogamous relationships - I'm assuming that they are not necessarily 'downtrodden'. I think H is probably posting sadly somewhere. He has said that if he can't be in a relationship with me, he doesn't want to be with anyone else - don't shoot me, that's what he said and I don't understand it either :(

helen - good point and no, it doesn't sound so acceptable, but that's not what he's doing.

nordic - thank you, sad for your friend

saffron - I need him to be loving, kind and close to me. Because of what he's doing, I can't let myself get close to him any more, I'm shutting him out to protect myself.

theartistseye - interesting link, but I don't quite understand what they are getting at Are they saying that if a partner is unfaithful, they should be 'out'? with no discussion or attempt at reconciliation? In my opinion (and this is not my situation), but a one night stand in 25 years of marriage would not warrant instant divorce. Have you read the book? I didn't find it condoned unfaithfulness at all, I think one of the main points was that you didn't have to be a 'womaniser/maniser?' to have an affair.

oliviasmama - on the contrary, I find all the advice on here helpful - apart from your most recent post. I thought this was a discussion forum, I'm stating my point of view/opinions and expecting others to state theirs. I'm also adding information as to the state of the relationship between my H and myself.

ninja - yes I agree, the 'open' thing has to be a mutual decision. We discussed it as I've said earlier, he's always said that I can do the same, but he decided he didn't want an 'open' relationship, I think it's the 'open' he doesn't like :(

crazy - yes on all your points!

ninja again - as I said to AF earlier in this post, he has said that if he can't have a relationship with me he doesn't want to have one with anyone else - and no, I don't understand that either.

When he left, I gave him the Shirley Glass book to read - I don't think he ever properly understood that what he was doing were 'proper affairs', or the effect his behaviour on me. In the one communication I have had from him (we are supposed to be non-contact at the moment), he said that he found the book incredibly illuminating and that it had helped him understand how I feel. Whether it will have any effect on what he does and whether I will be able to trust him if he says he's changed, remains to be seen.

PS - am going to work now, and really can't look at this again til lunchtime, thank you again for all your posts.

nordic your post made me really think and im sure for some is true but having experience of infidelity i cannot convey the feeling of taking control,leaving what is in fact sn abusive marriage and standing on my own two feet. I had nothing from the divorce apart from the house and 4 dc,s but i worked hard,insisted the kids stepped up,and re built a fabulius life for myself. I got a good solicitor and got what i could and am so proud of what i managed to do.
I saw the 3 boys through college,raised a beautifull dd,travelled,made new friends and had so much fun.
Ok i wont be old and settled and rich but i wouldnt change it for the world.
And i taught my children how to treat thier partners,

He has treated you in a completely contemptuous way. I know that you are looking for a way to go back to this relationship, but I can't understand why you would. Your marriage is only ever going to work (if it works) on HIS terms. I can't imagine why you would try to force yourself to do something you clearly feel uncomfortable with. Well, I suppose love might do it, but it's still a mistake, IMO.

I have had an open relationship in the past, but that's how it began. We were younger, too. I feel your OH should have grown up by now. I think there are relationships in which women tolerate infidelity. But I think those relationships are based on a different dynamic - ie, the woman isn't really after love, has different priorities. But I don't know, maybe they only exist on TV.

I can understand why a couple of PPs have got a bit vexed. It does feel a bit like letting the side down when you enable this kind of behaviour.

It doesn't really matter what other people tolerate - if you're not comfortable with it, that's the important thing.

There are lots of women out there who tolerate affairs and turn a blind eye because they don't want to give up the house, the money, the relationship, and sometimes the friendship of their husband.

Open relationships only work because they are about complete truth and honesty and support and love between partners. If any of those are missing then the relationship is doomed to be a failure or limp along like so many relationships where affairs are kept secret or ignored.

Only you know what you can tolerate and what you are comfortable with. I could not tolerate my husband being emotionally involved with another woman.

He puts his own happiness above yours, that would be enough to make me leave. The torture of him having EAs with other women is i'm sure far more damaging to your mental health than his not having them is to his. You deserve better , i hope you see this eventually.

Does he remember his marriage vows? There's nothing in there about sharing, quite the opposite in fact!

It's total bullshit that nothing has turned physical. With affairs, they turn physical more quickly than "proper" relationships.

You need to divorce him IMO.

Oh, and just to add, if someone tolerates their DH's affairs, I would think they would have good reason for doing so and possibly be pleasing themselves on the side.

ifonly, get rid of him and give yourself a chance to meet someone decent
sorry hes treated you like this.

it is unacceptable.
you dont have to put up with it.

Well, if you are happier staying put that leaving the situation, that's your choice.

But in reply to your OP - no I could never tolerate an affair, of any sort, and neither could my DH. We're not in the first flushes of romance - we've been together nearly 15 years with 3 DC, but we are still very much in love and I would be devastated if my DH felt the need to have an affair, of any sort. So would he if it were me. IMO there is nothing in the world as good as knowing that you have somebody in the world who truly puts you and your feelings above anybody else's - including their own sometimes (and it works both ways).

I have been in some shit relationships in the past, so I know how devastating and draining to your self esteem somebody not treating you with love and respect can be. I am pretty sure I would rather be on my own TBH.

Ifonly - I'm not sure I quite understand what is going on. You say your H has been having emotional affairs. Forgive my cynicism, but are you sure they are just EAs? A huge generalisation here, but IME, men are not usually having EAs - most men are physical & want sex out of affairs.

When my ex-H had an affair many years ago now, it wasn't the sex that killed me, it was the fact that he had formed a massive emotional connection with the other woman. I felt as though I had simply become the mother of his children and a glorified housekeeper who he had sex with when the better option wasn't available.

Why does your H want to connect with other women? If it is not about sex, because they are EAs, what are they about? Is it that he feels the need to "pull" still? Is it all about the chase? I think without knowing what is driving this, you will never get to the bottom of whether it is tolerable or not.

Deluded There are no words. I think what you are wanting is someone to come on here and say 'Yes we live like that I accepted it and its great because I have toed his line' You will see that not one person has said this so really that tells you something. He is using you because you have always been there and you are understandably clinging on. Really you are hoping he falls back in love with you but as you are apart and he feels teh need to 'chase' that won't happen.

I had a friend - well just someone i was acquainted with - who quite candidly told me that her husband always had affairs and they included sexual intimacy and she also suspected there to be a least one child he had had outside the marriage. I consider myself to be a largely non-judgemental person so she felt able to share this with me.

When I asked what she got out of it, her responses were similar to yours, he:

Treated her kindly

Provided for her financially

Was generous

kept up intimacy

Also, she said he showed her respect because she never had a phone call from any of these other women or met them. In other words, these were not 'competition affairs' they were affairs in which the husband expressly made it clear to the other women that he was never going to leave his wife under any circumstances.

She said she knew her husband loved her but was weak. They are still together.

It's not so uncommon. Different strokes for different folks. It's your marriage you have to decide if the compensations are worth it.

treated her kindly lots of people who don't shag others and try to guilt you into accepting it will treat you kindly

provided for her financially get a job and support yourself, don't ever rely on a man financially in the first place

was generous a few diamonds to make you STFU, there are words for arrangements like that

kept up intimacy yeah, along with lots of other randoms

Not sounding attractive is it ?

It certainly isn't your only option, OP, not by a long way