Husband obsessed with watching porn (on his own) - am I being unreasonable?

[Tiredoutmum]

Hi mums (and dads)

This is an awkward thing to talk to my close friends about, since they all know my husband really well, so I'm hoping some of you out there can help me get my head straight on this.

My husband enjoys watching porn - some hard core I understand - but nothing too deviant (no animals, young girls etc). He does this on the internet, upstairs in our loft room (which he uses as a study), and usually when I've gone to bed or I'm out for the evening.

We have discussed this before because I've been a bit uncomfortable about it, and he says it's just because my libido can't keep up with his, and since he's not the type to go and have an affair or find a prostitute, this is his way of 'scratching the itch'. He's tried to explain that for men, the sexual need is a very physical one and you have to kind of let it out otherwise you get really pent up and frustrated. And because he's not particularly imaginative, he needs some visual stimulation to assist him with this.

I find this uncomfortable, it seems really odd that he's upstairs watching women whilst his family are asleep downstairs. He says I'm being a prude and that some wives would want to go and join in.

Last time we had this discussion, we agreed that it was because I wasn't putting out enough that he required this outlet, and it turned out he felt that if we had sex regularly once a week as a minimum, he wouldn't need to find other ways of relieving his frustration. So the agreement a few weeks ago was that he'd stop watching the porn sites and I would increase my efforts in the bedroom. I feel I've kept my side of the bargain (other than the last couple of weeks when either the children or I have been ill).

Today I went to find something on the computer and discovered he's been back on all the sites again and watching it on several evenings (I ended up going through his browsing history) without saying anything to me.

I have confronted him this morning and am upset and angry - largely because he lied to me, and we had a deal - and partly because I am now worried that he has a proper addiction and I don't know where to go from here.

Am I being a prude? Is this normal (he says what he's doing is entirely normal)? Should I be grateful he is doing this within the family house rather than going out and shagging other women? I'm concerned that if I give him an ultimatum, I'll either push it underground and he'll just lie, or I'll make him so sexually frustrated he'll go and snog (or worse) someone else. Ironically, all this is doing is turning me off and making me not want to have sex with him at all.

Please send ANY opinions you have - male or female - good or bad.

Thank you x

I would say (from my own point of view) your husband is being honest, and is being fair.

He isnt sneaking around with other women, and he isnt making unreasonable demands on you.

Some couples do enjoy watching porn together, it can be a turn on. Some people like to watch it on their own, for a bit of quick, safe, private, pleasure. It is no reflection on you, it doesnt mean he doesnt love you, or find you attractive, and he probably would rather be having sex with you, but is considerate and realises that you might not be in the mood.

I would say if he is doing this every night it is a bit of an obsession, but not one that will harm you or your relationship unless he prefers that to having sex with you, which it doesnt sound like it.

Tbh I would find his behaviour totally unacceptable. Who in their right mind wants to get off on women being abused and exploited.

Squeaky, I think its fair to say you don't have a completely objective point of view on this given your line of work.

Five years ago I told my husband I was uncomfortable with him watching porn, and that for me it was equal to cheating. And that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him if he watched it. To this day I know he has kept his promise. And not all men are sex addicts you know, I think me and she have a healthy libido really- watching porn would only increase your sexual needs really. The thing that got me was when we were having sex, was he just thinking about something he'd seen that turned him on online?

I agree with squeaky and I do tech support lol

So, it's basically "I'll stop wanking to porn, if you open your legs more" is it?

Nice, I'm not surprised it's turning you off.

"He's tried to explain that for men, the sexual need is a very physical one and you have to kind of let it out otherwise you get really pent up and frustrated" - did he tell you his balls will explode too?

Make it plain for him - the more he uses porn, the less you will want sex.

Having a high sex drive is not a bad thing, neither is having a low one, using porn for gratification when your partner is distressed by it is a bad thing, it is having a direct and negative effect on your relationship.

I agree with squeaky but have no idea what she does for a living.

The DH could also argue that as OP has not kept her side of the bargain for a couple of weeks, he is absolved from his.

I do understand how Op feels, though, I'm not unsympathetic. Think you need a chat with your dh to see if some compromise could be reached; would "ethical porn" (for not all porn is the result of abusive behaviour) be OK, or do you just really hate the idea?

Why don't you just let it go instead of making an issue of something half the planet does?
Going through his browsing history is a bit creepy and then "confronting him" sounds a bit controlling.
He has the same right to privacy and his fantasies as you have.

I am a payroll manager MeMoo..

Difficult - because why should your "I don't like porn" be more important than his "I like porn"? What he is doing isn't really effecting you at all. If we are talking about being respectful, then surely it is not very respectful to "forbid" him from doing something he wants to do and which doesn't involve you.

At the same time - my husband does watch porn, and I don't like it either. I am concerned about the ethical issues (although he says he goes more for the "home-made" stuff than the commercial porn) but also it just gives me an "icky" feeling. So I do think I understand where you are coming from.

But in the end, I don't feel I can tell him what he is and is not allowed to do on his own and in his own time. I can ask, but I can't insist he "obeys" me if he doesn't agree with my point of view (and he doesn't).

You are a photographer who does 'glamour' shots according to many of your posts I've read on here!

Many posts...? I mentioned that once, almost a year ago

You have a great memory though.

I am a photographer in my spare time. I have done some glamour shots for friends who are glamour models. Not really porn is it.

That was to squeakytoy btw

I would feel exactly as you do OP and as for the " bargain" you've struck that just feels all kinds of wrong. Put out or I'll do what I want. Nah don't like that at all.

Squeaky, you must be an abuser

I always think of it whenever I see your name squeaky. Some things just stick.

I always think of it whenever I see your name squeaky. Some things just stick

Cheers

And in my mind it is porn and I find it truly offensive.

Gosh Memoo the porn In the bathroom thread. I remember that it was epic.

Sorry OP.

Cheers? It sticks possibly because of my opinions on tbe subject, I try not to let it cloud my view of you though.

But you're not the OP.

Not being funny foOffy, but from the other side of the fence it could be seen as "stop doing that and I might consider having sex with you." That isn't really on either. Blackmail from both sides, really.

Glamour photography is not porn. Not even soft porn, and not necessarily naked either. How can anyone find the human body offensive?

I think you are being unrealistic to try and curtail your dh porn use. I dont have a problem with porn-have used it myself and also with dh.

I actually sent dh off with my blessing to watch porn last night as he was pestering me for sex and I had a headache-genuine one!-tbf its usually me pestering him in this household!

I am always a bit when I hear posters on here saying their dh's dont like or watch porn. Maybe they dont now you have put your foot down but I bet they did in the past!

I remember a poster on here boasting that her dh didnt watch porn or even masturbate. I laughed so much I got a stitch.

By all means op explain to dh how you feel but realistically I wouldnt be expecting him to give up the porn anytime soon.

Memoo - this is off topic from the OP a little, but if glamour models are asking a friend to take photos of them, it isn't really exploitation, is it? Or abuse? And I thought that was your main objection to porn?