Husband obsessed with watching porn (on his own) - am I being unreasonable?

[Tiredoutmum]

Hi mums (and dads)

This is an awkward thing to talk to my close friends about, since they all know my husband really well, so I'm hoping some of you out there can help me get my head straight on this.

My husband enjoys watching porn - some hard core I understand - but nothing too deviant (no animals, young girls etc). He does this on the internet, upstairs in our loft room (which he uses as a study), and usually when I've gone to bed or I'm out for the evening.

We have discussed this before because I've been a bit uncomfortable about it, and he says it's just because my libido can't keep up with his, and since he's not the type to go and have an affair or find a prostitute, this is his way of 'scratching the itch'. He's tried to explain that for men, the sexual need is a very physical one and you have to kind of let it out otherwise you get really pent up and frustrated. And because he's not particularly imaginative, he needs some visual stimulation to assist him with this.

I find this uncomfortable, it seems really odd that he's upstairs watching women whilst his family are asleep downstairs. He says I'm being a prude and that some wives would want to go and join in.

Last time we had this discussion, we agreed that it was because I wasn't putting out enough that he required this outlet, and it turned out he felt that if we had sex regularly once a week as a minimum, he wouldn't need to find other ways of relieving his frustration. So the agreement a few weeks ago was that he'd stop watching the porn sites and I would increase my efforts in the bedroom. I feel I've kept my side of the bargain (other than the last couple of weeks when either the children or I have been ill).

Today I went to find something on the computer and discovered he's been back on all the sites again and watching it on several evenings (I ended up going through his browsing history) without saying anything to me.

I have confronted him this morning and am upset and angry - largely because he lied to me, and we had a deal - and partly because I am now worried that he has a proper addiction and I don't know where to go from here.

Am I being a prude? Is this normal (he says what he's doing is entirely normal)? Should I be grateful he is doing this within the family house rather than going out and shagging other women? I'm concerned that if I give him an ultimatum, I'll either push it underground and he'll just lie, or I'll make him so sexually frustrated he'll go and snog (or worse) someone else. Ironically, all this is doing is turning me off and making me not want to have sex with him at all.

Please send ANY opinions you have - male or female - good or bad.

Thank you x

AF "our sex life not my" Nope, I meant mine. I don't profess to speak for my partner (or anyone else for that matter).

Sometimes it works the other way - if she's in the mood and I'm not (yes it's possible) then she gets off and I don't. Really. Not a big deal, no-one's keeping score.

I could explain in more detail but A: I've TMI'd once already today and B: This thread isn't about me.

HH if you go into TMI detail about your sex life, expect people to form judgments. I think it's absolutely great that you're not too bothered about your orgasm but not so great that you're happy to shag your wife when she's not in the mood.

No wonder you are happy hubbie

AreYouReallyForReal "just pass a tissue and argue about who sleeps in the wet patch ;)"

We never argue - a gentleman always sleeps on the wet patch, it's only fair that if you make a mess you should clean it up

Probably lots of the time though there isn't a wet patch because orgasms aren't very important, eh?

When you talk about cleaning up after making a mess, do you include an emotional mess or just the stains on the sheets (who washes them, by the way?)

Ledkr hit the nail on the head about his lack of subtlelty. If he was better at keeping his wanking a secret none of this ever had to happen. This is why we don't say out loud every little thought that pops into our heads. Some things are better kept to ourselves.

i should have been Its one of those things isnt it?If its not part of sex together then just do it and keep it to yourself.I can just see dh's face as i described my day listing "had a lovely orgasm cos you werent up for it last night"

Ahem...

Lots of generalizing about male sexuality here.

At Chez MM, I would happily make like rabbits every other hour. Unfortunately, DW has had some issues which mean that it isn't possible that often, and sometimes not at all for 6 months or more.

Yes I have desires during those times. But I have learned to control them because without her I know it would feel empty to the point of hating myself for it.

For me, keeping sexuality to the times I have with DW is another way I show my commitment and fidelity. Maybe it doesn't work this way for everyone though.

Thank god there's actually a man who's voiced a similar philosophy to the one dh takes. I hate that other women are so incredulous and so quick to ridicule when I say how it is for my dh. We're sat in the bar of our lakes hotel (£10 for a whisky and coke and a pint of ale!) no sex tonight, I think I have a bartholin cyst, very painful after a 5 mile hike round coniston, our four poster seems wasted.

mal I nearly asked if that were your DH

The only action he'll get tonight is rubbing enlarge cream into my netherworld. Fortunately I had my way with him yesterday morning.

Stupid iPhone, it should have said emla cream into my nethers!!

TMI !!!

< hides eyes >

what are you doing in the Lake District ?

I was up there this Fri-Sun

lovely, lovely weather it was

arf @ enlarge cream

Usually it's the men thinking about enlarging their nethers, Mal

We're having a nice break, dh is fit to go back to work after 6 weeks off, we should have had this week in egypt but as his op was 2 months later than it should have been we had to cancel. I saw a good deal for this langdale hotel so here we are, he's on his fourth pint already and I'm sat here throbbing, not in a good way.

The weather is still gorgeous.

Egypt ?

schm-Egypt

There is no comparison. The Lake District alllll the way.

I did a fair amount of throbbing this weekend too

My creaky knees that is, I've been dragged up and down several mountains

So OP finds her DH's use of porn nightly when the family are asleep uncomfortable and puts her off having a fulfilling sex life with him, enough said.

OP relationships have to be okay for two people, your DH sounds a little obsessed with porn. You've asked him to use it less and he can't manage for two weeks, imagine that was booze or weed everyone would be shouting addict!! Porn, when one partner is uncomfortable with it, is an issue. Personally I think it's a far bigger issue than the OP does, but even using her own comfort zones it's not working for their relationship.

And as for porn and/or masturbation, not all people are the same.

I am a little shocked about HH wife not being involved or important when he sometimes has a shag................with her.

FFS, are you still going on about me? You (PoP & others) are putting one and one together and making twenty seven, you're making assumptions based on no information. Maybe it's because I'm not a 'mum', and normally I wouldn't get involved in these sorts of threads, but the OP did ask for male opinions.

I'm not going to keep defending what my partner and I do or don't do in bed; it's not relevant other than to point out that honest communication, being aware of and considerate of the other person's needs as well as your own, are the recipe for (in my experience) a happy long term relationship.

Some posters seem to think that a couple should only have sex when the woman decides, or that sex is a reward for chores. If that works for you then great, but it's not how I think a relationship should work. Of course the woman (or indeed the man) has the right to refuse sex, but that's not what we're talking about.

For the record (and I promise this is my last post on this thread - possibly indeed on any thread) my partner is both willing and involved and happy to do so. If she's not, she says no, and no means no. All it is (which I described in rather more graphic detail than was perhaps wise) is honesty between two people, and I would far rather that than she felt she had to fake an orgasm or have sex against her will just to keep the peace.

I really don't understand the problem, I'm constantly reading how many women don't orgasm through penetration and how orgasms aren't the be all & end all of good sex, yet when my partner actually puts this into practice suddenly it's all wrong. Maybe I can't win. Maybe it's nobody else's business.

Feel free to continue the debate without me. Have fun.

are you flouncing HH ?

there is a special flouncing topic for that, you know

Oooooooooooh holds up handbag a la vic and bob

HH, I think you've been unfairly attacked here. Please don't leave, we need more men!

FWIW, also long-term married, I understand totally what you mean.