Husband obsessed with watching porn (on his own) - am I being unreasonable?

[Tiredoutmum]

Hi mums (and dads)

This is an awkward thing to talk to my close friends about, since they all know my husband really well, so I'm hoping some of you out there can help me get my head straight on this.

My husband enjoys watching porn - some hard core I understand - but nothing too deviant (no animals, young girls etc). He does this on the internet, upstairs in our loft room (which he uses as a study), and usually when I've gone to bed or I'm out for the evening.

We have discussed this before because I've been a bit uncomfortable about it, and he says it's just because my libido can't keep up with his, and since he's not the type to go and have an affair or find a prostitute, this is his way of 'scratching the itch'. He's tried to explain that for men, the sexual need is a very physical one and you have to kind of let it out otherwise you get really pent up and frustrated. And because he's not particularly imaginative, he needs some visual stimulation to assist him with this.

I find this uncomfortable, it seems really odd that he's upstairs watching women whilst his family are asleep downstairs. He says I'm being a prude and that some wives would want to go and join in.

Last time we had this discussion, we agreed that it was because I wasn't putting out enough that he required this outlet, and it turned out he felt that if we had sex regularly once a week as a minimum, he wouldn't need to find other ways of relieving his frustration. So the agreement a few weeks ago was that he'd stop watching the porn sites and I would increase my efforts in the bedroom. I feel I've kept my side of the bargain (other than the last couple of weeks when either the children or I have been ill).

Today I went to find something on the computer and discovered he's been back on all the sites again and watching it on several evenings (I ended up going through his browsing history) without saying anything to me.

I have confronted him this morning and am upset and angry - largely because he lied to me, and we had a deal - and partly because I am now worried that he has a proper addiction and I don't know where to go from here.

Am I being a prude? Is this normal (he says what he's doing is entirely normal)? Should I be grateful he is doing this within the family house rather than going out and shagging other women? I'm concerned that if I give him an ultimatum, I'll either push it underground and he'll just lie, or I'll make him so sexually frustrated he'll go and snog (or worse) someone else. Ironically, all this is doing is turning me off and making me not want to have sex with him at all.

Please send ANY opinions you have - male or female - good or bad.

Thank you x

I was just about to put about rape in marriage being perfectly acceptable too...

OP - Can you articulate any more clearly what exactly your problem with it is? Saying you find it uncomfortable and "odd", just suggests that it isn't your particular thing, or that you have some vague idea that you ought to be against it, without quite knowing why.

It doesn't sound like it's causing any actual practical problem, so I'd be wary of inventing a problem where none exists. I also agree with the previous comment that negotiating sex against porn is a bad idea. Have sex when you both want to have sex, and accept that people are different.

I think a lot of women don't really get the extent to which wanking/porn and sex with a spouse are, for a lot of men, just completely different things. Because they both have to do with sex, people sometimes insist on making all kinds of connections between them that are really unnecessary and unhelpful. A lot of women don't understand the extent to which men can look at sex in a completely physical and impersonal way - or if they do, they then imagine a false dichotomy in which the same man can't really mean it when he appears to make caring sensitive love to them. Or something.

It's just pixels and friction. It's no big deal.

It's a big deal when those pixels are pictures of women being abused. Real women. People with feelings. Not "pixels".

One of the more laughable responses you've had OP, is that your H was being "honest".

I don't quite know how he managed to convince you that men's sexual needs are greater than women's and that they need porn as an outlet, but that is of course arrant nonsense.

And he's tried to blame you for his habit, by insisting that you have more sex with him.

Except that was a lie. Having more sex has made absolutely no impact on his porn habit.

I think you'll find that it's not more sex he wants.

It's more porn.

You could of course try calling his bluff and ask for sex morning, noon and night and yet I still think you'd find him wandering up to the loft room, pleading a headache.

Decide where you stand on porn. Decide where you stand on being lied to and having your intelligence insulted. Have a think about how you'd feel if your children stumble across this 'hardcore' porn he views, one day. Only have the sex you want.

the porn wouldnt bother me but his description of men needing "an outlet" would annoy me as if women dont like sex and men have different needs.
If more blokes did their fair share at home then they would have more sex and so would women,maybe if he helped with poorly chidren or washed the kitchen floor instead of having a wank in the office then you might feel up to it more often.

"It's just pixels and friction. It's no big deal."

You do realise the people being filmed are real? By that logic images of abuse are no big deal because they are on a screen

There is also no different way "men" have of seeing things or sexuality or porn. Anyone who looks beyond these images and wants to make connections to deeper issues in the relationship is absolutely right and intelligent to do so. Pornography affects relationships. A person should never be made to feel they have no cause to question it.

Your husband is totally correct in why he watches it, and you have already gone back on the deal over the last few weeks, so its okay for you to go back on it and not him?

I know women who watch porn because they don't get enough at home. The situation does work in reverse.

I think if it's a prob for you then he should take THAT seriously - I don't personally think the porn usage itself is bad but if the situation is upsetting you then it's worth a talk. It did occur to me as I was reading it that you have had 'a few weeks' when you didn't keep to 'your side' of the deal, which does give him a wee bit of leeway! BTW - It's the other way round in this house, we have a crappy sex life from my perspective and I would be very happy with once a week if I could get it! So I might be being more sympathetic to him than otherwise....

Both sides of the deal are about his needs - Put out more or he'll use porn. That's why I called him a wanker. Nowhere in the OP's posts do I get the impression he's remotely concerned about her needs - like her need to only have sex she wants, for example, or her need to recuperate when she's unwell.

It's not so much a deal as a threat when you start to look at it.

Hmmm how many women on this thread have problems with not having the same sex drive as their partner, and how many of them see it as a problem?

I could not disagree more plentyofpubegarden. I do not think it is anywhere as simple as you are trying to suggest. I do think that her DH does need to put a lot more effort into finding a solution that suits them both, but tbh, I think at least initially if you don't understand sexual frustrations and how you can help your partner with them, you tend to be selfish as you just don't know any better. Not because you are a wanker. Blokes don't tend to sit about chatting with their friends about how they can satisfy their woman more or help understand her sexual needs. Women are much more open to discussing stuff like this.

Lots of theorising on this thread. Not so many women who seem to have discussed at length issues like this, or indeed porn. Lots of judgement though. Its surprised me, that this seemingly isn't discussed more between genders.

Differing sex drives are a very common cause of problems in a relationship. I'm well aware of that, having been on both sides of that particular coin.

Blokes may not spend much time talking to their mates about this stuff but a decent bloke will talk to his DP about it! After all, we're all different - what gets Kev-down-the-pub's-missus off may do nothing whatsoever for you or me. I see no sign that the OP's husband is even attempting this.

Short term, there's nothing wrong with having a wank to relieve the pressure - totally different thing to bringing images of potentially abused women into your relationship or insisting your partner has sex even when she doesn't want to (there's a word for that) and even when she's unwell.

So now the guy isn't a decent bloke. Brilliant. I don't think all couples find it as easy to talk about stuff as others....

Well, I am struggling to find anything decent about his behaviour from what the OP has posted.

You're right, it's not always easy to talk about this stuff - far easier to carry on insisting your wife 'puts out' whether she wants to or not

Hope you're OK, OP - you don't deserve to be treated like this.

Am i the only person who feela bit turned off by the thought of dh sat in the attic cock in hand watching porn. I know he masturbates of course but i dont need to know when and where,i just assume its when im not around like me.
If he excused himself from the room and said "just off for a quick wank" id be loathe to have sex with him i think.Maybe dh needs to be a tad more subtle in the old porn useage and maybe your sex drive would improve without pressure to perform.

OP some DPs will find some level of porn use acceptable, some will not

However,it is totally unacceptable for him to link his use of porn to you putting out. Just as it is nonsense that men must have sex or there are dire consequences . Most men (almost all I would guess) can wank for release without having to use porn btw.

You feel upset because he told you all this, you believed it and kept your side of the 'bargain' and then you found he was using porn daily regardless.

I think you'll find that even if you put out 3 or 4 times a week he would still be looking at porn because that is what he likes to do. He is indeed an arse and you need to have a serious talk about what you find acceptable. I would start by pointing out that his porn habit is a choice, not a necessity.

I would have zero respect for a bloke that did this on a regular basis

How pathetic

How teenage

How childish to blame you for his compulsion

No wonder you don't want to shag him, Op, he doesn't sound remotely sexy

Hmm, am I missing something? The thing that strikes me here is the lying/going back on the "deal". He has zero respect for you OP. Perhaps that's what's putting you off!

The thing that strikes me is how this man has decided that he must have access to women's bodies to satisfy his 'needs', so if his wife is 'not putting out', he must be allowed at least visual access to these other women's bodies.

I agree though, the dishonesty is pretty appalling too.

Oh agreed, I wouldn't put up with this at all. Def a deal breaker for me. But the OP seems to have reached what she thought was some agreement about it and he's broken that agreement-probably because(amongst other things) he has a massive sense of entitlement. Anyway you look at it he's a deceitful thoughtless childish knob.

Ledkr "If more blokes did their fair share at home then they would have more sex and so would women,maybe if he helped with poorly chidren or washed the kitchen floor instead of having a wank in the office then you might feel up to it more often."

So he should earn more sex by doing chores? Is there a tariff? 30 minutes hoovering = a hand job, iron 10 items of clothing and get a BJ, make the tea and it's full sex tonight - that kind of thing? How very loving and romantic. Not.

It seems (unsurprisingly) that women view porn much more seriously than men. To most men (including I think the OP's DH) porn is nothing to do with sex and everything to do with getting you going for a wank. It's not a sex replacement for most men. For a few men it can become an addiction but for 99% it's just doing something we've done since we were teenagers.

I could see the objection if the DH in question had said "I'm not getting enough, either start putting out or I'm going back to the attic" but that's not what happened, he's not putting any pressure on the OP. He clearly accepts the mismatch in libido and respects her feelings enough to have found a solution which doesn't involve pestering his wife for sex.

It seems to me that for a lot of posters the only acceptable solution is that the man should accept having less sex than he would like without question or complaint. That's hardly fair or likely to result in a happy marriage long term.

I have a higher sex drive than my wife, sometimes she'll say no and I respect that. Sometimes she'll say no but offer me a hand job or just to give me a cuddle while I do it. Sometimes she'll offer a 'help yourself', which is code for "I'm not really in the mood but lets shag anyway, don't mess around with foreplay just do it, don't come inside me because I don't want to have to get up to the loo again and make sure you mop up afterwards". Ummm, TMI? Oh well. Personally I'd rather do any of these things than sit in the attic with a computer and a box of tissues, but perhaps not all couples are that open, I don't know (men don't talk about these things). It's a compromise - I'd like it 3/4 times a week, she'd be happy with twice a month - and it works for us.

that was a bit TMI, HH

happyhubby are you new?cos you obviously dont know me.Of course i dont mean earn a blow job fgs. I was merely pointing put that there are other ways of encouraging a more active sex life within a long term relationship,although you clearly dont require that

af have you been on your holidays love?

Once again, the issue with porn isn't partners being controlling about a mismatch in libidos.

There is nothing wrong with wanking, or wanking to pictures.

There is a whole lot of wrong in wanking to pictures that degrade women, pictures of a real, live woman who is being coerced.