Husband obsessed with watching porn (on his own) - am I being unreasonable?

[Tiredoutmum]

Hi mums (and dads)

This is an awkward thing to talk to my close friends about, since they all know my husband really well, so I'm hoping some of you out there can help me get my head straight on this.

My husband enjoys watching porn - some hard core I understand - but nothing too deviant (no animals, young girls etc). He does this on the internet, upstairs in our loft room (which he uses as a study), and usually when I've gone to bed or I'm out for the evening.

We have discussed this before because I've been a bit uncomfortable about it, and he says it's just because my libido can't keep up with his, and since he's not the type to go and have an affair or find a prostitute, this is his way of 'scratching the itch'. He's tried to explain that for men, the sexual need is a very physical one and you have to kind of let it out otherwise you get really pent up and frustrated. And because he's not particularly imaginative, he needs some visual stimulation to assist him with this.

I find this uncomfortable, it seems really odd that he's upstairs watching women whilst his family are asleep downstairs. He says I'm being a prude and that some wives would want to go and join in.

Last time we had this discussion, we agreed that it was because I wasn't putting out enough that he required this outlet, and it turned out he felt that if we had sex regularly once a week as a minimum, he wouldn't need to find other ways of relieving his frustration. So the agreement a few weeks ago was that he'd stop watching the porn sites and I would increase my efforts in the bedroom. I feel I've kept my side of the bargain (other than the last couple of weeks when either the children or I have been ill).

Today I went to find something on the computer and discovered he's been back on all the sites again and watching it on several evenings (I ended up going through his browsing history) without saying anything to me.

I have confronted him this morning and am upset and angry - largely because he lied to me, and we had a deal - and partly because I am now worried that he has a proper addiction and I don't know where to go from here.

Am I being a prude? Is this normal (he says what he's doing is entirely normal)? Should I be grateful he is doing this within the family house rather than going out and shagging other women? I'm concerned that if I give him an ultimatum, I'll either push it underground and he'll just lie, or I'll make him so sexually frustrated he'll go and snog (or worse) someone else. Ironically, all this is doing is turning me off and making me not want to have sex with him at all.

Please send ANY opinions you have - male or female - good or bad.

Thank you x

I agree with the tired out thing. From what else you say it sounds like you are the one who is putting in all the work in the bedroom for this. He does realise that if he wants to put out more he has to also make an effort too? I disagree that hes using porn as a bargaining chip, and that hes a wanker for it. I think its much more complicated than that. Keep talking bout it.

OP...

First of all, well done for keeping an open mind.

Second, whether or not you accept porn in your home is very much a question of personal morality. As you can see there are people on both sides of the fence. Basically I think the consensus is that if you think porn is OK then you have no right to stop DH using it, if you think it is immoral then you have a right to make absence a condition of your relationship - as long as you are consistent in this from the beginning.

I personally think your agreement is a very bad idea because it ties intimacy to a quid pro quo which is bound to cause issues. Sex should be about love not bargaining.

I would decide on your moral view of porn and go from there.

OP says - we agreed that it was because I wasn't putting out enough that he required this outlet, and it turned out he felt that if we had sex regularly once a week as a minimum, he wouldn't need to find other ways of relieving his frustration. So the agreement a few weeks ago was that he'd stop watching the porn sites and I would increase my efforts in the bedroom

And if he can't keep away from it for a couple of weeks when his wife is ill I'd say he might well have a problem with it.

I'm not sure what 'compromise' there can be here - either he uses porn or he doesn't. I don't think a partner's porn use is something anybody should have to put up with if it upsets them or makes them feel uncomfortable.

I watch porn as my DP has a low libido, he's knows and isn't offended by it. He works crazy hours I understand this, I never pester him (unless it's been a while), but most the time we have sex once a week. Porn is just a temporary release that fulfils my needs when my DP isn't up for it or too tired.

Yes some porn out there is sick ad perverse, not only for the women involved, I've seen some sick things done to men.
sex is a natural thing everyone does it, most people enjoy

My DH has some porn, nothing hardcore or really worse than you would see in a lads mag, it really doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Ho however, that being said, if we had agreed that he wouldn't do something because it upset me and he continued to do it in secret then that would be a big issue for me.

I think the issue here is one of broken trust, not really the porn.

He's pressuring you to 'put out' more or he'll carry on using porn. What a charmer! What a fucking wanker! No wonder you don't want to shag him

See I would disagree there. Until OP looked on the PC and saw the history, he was doing his thing, he was not putting any pressure on her. OP also doesnt say that he has been putting pressure on her other than when she has been putting pressure on him to stop looking at porn.

It really does work two ways.

I think to say he is a wanker, (although technically correct in the context of this thread ) is a bit unfair as from what the op has posted, he is quite happy to just deal with his own urges on his own, rather than put pressure on the op, and is simply saying to her, "well if I cant watch it, can we then have sex more often, as I really would like to". He is the one seeking a compromise too.

I don't get how you've come to the conclusion that your DH is obsessed with watching porn?

From your OP, the agreement of having sex once a week is actually an increase on what is 'normal' for you? And for the past couple of weeks for various reasons you haven't kept to your side of the deal? He hasn't pestered you or pressured you, and the only reason you know he's been looking at porn is that you've checked his Internet history?

I agree with everything said by squeaky.

I honestly believe that if your dh stopped watching porn his sex drive would lower -Of course having daily stimulation is going to make you horny. He needs to make more effort with you, don't let all the blame lie with you.

OP I have a similar problem, except my husband doesn't seem to want it with me anymore. He says he does but makes no effort. He likes to watch it live on the net and also to webcam himself. He has hidden it from me and the only reason I know is because I have discovered it. He has ED issues too.

I do not like it at all, and like you I do not want sex with him atall at the moment. He has said he will stop but can't seem to. He has been doing it for years. I am worried that it will ultimately ruin our marriage (there have been other issues that have damaged the trust)I honestly think he is addicted.

I'm very unsure of what to do, don't want to be controlling but I am not interested in the whole voyeristic thing, I find it embarrasing and a bit gross to be honest. My sympathies are with you its a difficult issue to get straight in your head.

Agree with Oak and Squeak

OP, my DH watches it fairly regularly. I do occasionally but not so much as I find it a bit boring. I'd much rather read a raunchy story, or better still Fanfiction, where people write stories based on existing films/books/TV series' and often put characters together who don't actually have a sexual relationship in the original version. I see it as my "outlet", much like DHs porn is to him.

My previous partner, however, was entirely against porn, and used to pester me no end for sex. It thoroughly put me off him - it was all about HIS needs and I was made to feel like some sort of evil ice maiden if I wouldn't oblige. He would rant on about it all night, and I'd often oblige just to shut him up. Revolting.

In a nutshell, I'd rather DH watched a a bit of porn than slavered (sp?) all over me when I'm tired!

I'm with Memoo, Mother Panda, Pube Gardens and others I might have missed. Masturbation is fine whether you're in a relationship or not, whether doing it together or separately. You don't need porn to wank.

I don't find getting off on watching someone being abused to be a good thing. Also, if a partner has said they feel uncomfortable/uneasy/unhappy with you using porn and you still do it (especially using it to emotionally blackmail,) then that would be a deal breaker for me.

OP, it sounds like your H is using porn alot more than he let on, and trying to make you feel it's YOUR fault. Uh no, he chooses it. He chooses it knowing it hurts you. He also lied about it to you

It's not my business how whether or how much people are prepared to put up with from their partners, deliberately causing them pain, blaming them for things they choose to do, or lying to them. I can only say what I wouldn't put up with and say that I don't believe anyone should EVER feel they HAVE to put up with crap that makes them feel so awful.

Masturbation is fine whether you're in a relationship or not, whether doing it together or separately. You don't need porn to wank

Some people do, some people dont. Not everyone fits the same way.

squeakytoy, how do you get your head around not knowing whether the people in the movie are doing it willingly for public consumption? Serious question. I started another thread on it but no-one seems to want to answer.

I know a few people, through my friend, who are in the porn industry and they all genuinely enjoy their work, get paid very well, and do it out of choice.

I am not saying that is the way for all porn at all. It certainly has its dark and criminal side, and that should be eradicated and those who force young women (and men) into it should be severely punished.

The porn industry has its problems, I will never deny that, but I do disagree with anyone who says that ALL porn is bad, ALL women are forced into it, because that really is not the case.

I honestly believe that if your dh stopped watching porn his sex drive would lower -Of course having daily stimulation is going to make you horny. He needs to make more effort with you, don't let all the blame lie with you.

I am reliably informed that the porn watching comes as a result of the horniness rather that being the cause.

I would agree with that too QA

Do you only watch your friend's mates then, squeakytoy? Or do you get recommendations from them?

(I don't think the arguments are as simple as "all women are forced into porn therefore I am against porn", but that's for another thread)

Squeaky

As a consumer, how do you tell the difference between the 'evil' and 'non-evil' porn ?

Or anyone else. Sorry to single you out, squeaky.

I dont really watch much at all.. cant even remember the last time I did. It certainly wasnt real hardcore stuff, it was fairly tame and had known porn actors in it. That I would say is the difference, because the better side of the industry is licensed, the actors have regular health checks, and are not being forced into anything. It is legitimate business, with actors who pay tax, and do what they do because they want to do it.

I honestly do not think there is any need for anything more than that, but obviously there will sadly always be a market for depraved and realistic shit. To me the people who get any joy out of watching that ARE quite disturbed too. That is the side of porn that needs eradicating, and anyone watching it should also be liable for some sort of warning/prosecution.

I couldnt watch anyone I actually know in real life.. that would just seem too weird...

Does licensing gurantee anything, especially with regard to health? Or being a "name"? How do you know they aren't forced? Max Hardcore is pretty mainstream and he certainly has forced women to do things they didn't want to do on film.

Sorry OP. I don't know how to advise you. I don't see how, with your respective beliefs, there is a middle ground.

agree with the poster who said that porn is a moral issue on which partners should agree (either way). Not ALL men watch porn - have everyone forgotten that easy live or web porn is a very recent option?? What then did men do before that, those married (and not the type to go to prostitutes) with children in the house or a sensitive wife, wouldn't store stashes of mags/videos, would they - and it's not the same. Erm, somehow they survived! Maybe they acttuallly put more effort into sexlife with their partner, or if wife wouldn't have sex at all, then had a mistress, but what i'm saying since is porn is so normal that those who don't are seen as weird or even unhealthy? There aer still people with morals for monogamy, in some asian (tibetan?) teachings, wanking is indeed BAD for a man's health as it's supposed to waste energy and mental concentration so they practice restrain - and I agree that watching a lot, same as having a lot of sex DOES increase libido (unless someone is disfunctional), same as sheep mentality of others doing it en masse watching - I think it's more to do with availability and indulgence, like developing a sweet tooth. We are all creatures of habit. Thje main thing is that there should be a consensus in a couple - they should really bothindulge or agree with it morally, or both not indulge apart from sex with each other. Some men actually do thinl only of the wife when masturbating if they aer truly monogamous, and if you like truly romantic - for hten it's arousing as it's someone truly close and someone they actually experienced sex with so it's easy to fantasise - that is if they aer in love and in a strong/deep relationship. When the love goes, then anything can go, but we are discussing a working marriage.

meant "since when is porn so normal"

Erm, it would depend on what era you lived in as to what you did in the past. I think unless you were a very religious man, there were many avenues you could use to get your rocks off. The idea of porn isn't completely new... it didn't get 'invented' as such until the victorians got all prudish about it and started banning stuff. You certainly got lots of rude paints, pictures and sculptures throughout history. (Erotic art in pompeii anyone?).

In the middle ages the church even allowed prostitution for a time, saying it was a necessary evil and it was viewed as a profession... most villages had a brothel.

I wonder what sexually frustrated men did in a time were women were less respected. Let me think about it...

QA: Well, they raped women. Because women were a) not fully human b) property (so therefore if a woman wasn't visibly labelled and owned they could have sex on her with impunity) and c) didn't have sexual feelings unless there was something really wrong with them, so whether or not a woman wanted to have sex didn't enter into the matter at all.

OP: while there isn't necessarily anything wrong about a man choosing to have a wank over porn rather than pressure his lower-libido partner for more sex than she wants to have, your DP seems to think that he's the one in charge of the sex element of the relationship ie that sex is a matter of you 'giving' him some. While people's libidos do vary quite a lot, it's not unusual for a woman to go off sex with her male partner if he is a) lazy round the house ie expecting her to do all the domestic work and childcare or b) not actually very good at sex ie it's all about his dick and he has little or no interest in what the woman would actually like to do or share during sex.