"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Bloody hell that took some guts girl!

I should say thanks for the invite to talk about it before i just launch in? Altho I'm sensing this is the kind of place where one is allowed to have feelings and be keen to offload, at least I'm praying so!

Just launch in duvet x

Thanks. I've read this thread before. I've had a long stretch not really thinking I had anything to moan about with my parents. But actually I'd just gone back into denial I think. I had to rely on people more than I wanted after my youngest was ill, I couldn't afford to be angry, I needed any help. But that help came at a big price as it has messed my head up all over again.

Why should you carry this burden around with you? Unload it, let people in to help you.

duvet you can post whatever you want :) Well done for being honest with your family. Like peanut said, that took some guts. I think it was really out of order for not even consulting you regarding that holiday, but if it's helped you see your family for what they really are, least it'll help you in the longrun. Hugs!

bear exactly. If they think it's not as much fun with the 3 sisters all there, then they can piss off and keep their 'idea' of fun. You'd be better off with your DH and kiddies!

Yes, I agree that this has been a useful exercise, it was such an obvious and stark example I couldn't ignore it. I think it has usually been a lot, lot more subtle than this. I also think because my sister was doing the organising I was actually able to challenge, if my parents had done it I might have kept schtum.

And I applaud the idea of a nice hol with my lot instead. He will certainly go for that.

I hate having crap parents. I don't want to have to hear these things or work out how to respond. I just want nice parents who want to see me. I'm not that bad, I nearly always wash and rarely smell and cook nice food and can discuss an array of entertaining topics... Oh, I forgot, it's not me, it's them isn't it?

I have to go now as promised husband I would actually speak to him at some point but I will be back later or tomorrow to start getting to know other posters' stories and perspectives.

Thanks for the warm welcome - a nice end to a crappy day x

Yes it is them duvet, not you, though I know it can be hard to see it that way sometimes! Enjoy your evening with DH and think about what a fab Christmas you'll have with him and your DCs!

I got an email reply from one of my sisters, the one who had been invited not the one doing the inviting. As usual there is an explanation about why I shouldn't feel upset about things, and no acknowledgment that I do feel upset. But I am upset. It's been this way for such a long time and I don't think I can continue being unheard. It's really hard having to choose between my family and myself, but I just can't keep on swallowing bad feelings because my family won't accept that I feel them. I haven't even asked for anything to be changed this year, just an acceptance that I'm upset and some attempt to do things differently next year. But everyone seems to think that's too much to ask and I should just not be upset. Presumably if the same were to happen next year I shouldn't be upset then either.

I feel like this incident seems very small, but it's the final straw. It's been like this for so long I can't bear it any more. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm just being silly (which is what I was usually told when I was upset as a child).

Er no! You've been deliberately left out of a family gathering. That's poisonous and calculating. You don't want your DC's witnessing this , do you? You want to look back when they're older and think 'we had some cracking times at Christmas'. Build your own little 'club' consisting of you, DH and the kids. They can all fuck off and enjoy their shitty little 'family' Christmas. I guarantee you they'll have torn each other apart by the end of it, and your other sister will come crying to you at some point. Be the adult here. This is playground stuff. Do you really want to be involved in that crap? No. You're better than that.

Duvet....that isn't "very small" it's massive, it's disgusting, and nobody should be treated like that!

My family are like that, I have been no contact this time for two years, and previous to that for five years. the biggest mistake of my life was the bit in the middle where I let that bunch of utter freaks back into my life.

One thing that posting here has helped me to see is that what has happened to me is massive in it's wrongness and dysfunction, just huge. And I thought they were just a little bit dysfunctional....they're not, they are actually dangerous and really best kept a long way away from.

Well done you for getting here, where people REALLY do understand. xxx

Thanks guys. Do you ever feel like you have two records playing simultaneously?

My first one goes I'msoupsetyouleftmeoutagainandnowyou'llallbeoffhavingfunwithoutmeandit'smean while the second one is louder and goes youhaven'tbeenleftoutthey'rejustgoingwithoutyouforsensiblereasonsstopbeingsillyit'sbetterforeveryoneifyoudon'tmakeafuss

I need to get a megaphone for the first voice and stick a mute button on the second one!

Not small at all. You have every right to have your feelings acknowledged by your family. And your family will try to make it out to you, and to themselves, that you are overreacting. I feel really angry at your family for you. Just disgraceful. You'll get use to listening to the first voice and letting that shine through. It does take time and practice. When I first started saying no and going against what was "normal" (ie my mother and family just trampling all over my feelings, belittling me and making out I'm a crap mum as well as a crap human being), I kept feeling so guilty about it and kept questioning myself and my thoughts and ideas and whether I was just overreacting. But then I realised that that's just how I've been trained/programmed to think by my family and it had to stop. Well done for also realising this and doing something about it. It's a massive step!

duvet, your story has really struck a cord with me. Well done for standing up for yourself. Its not easy and it does feel shit for a while.

I have a very large complicated family and I am the oldest of 10 brothers and sisters. I have always been made to feel unwelcome and that I'm causing trouble. Having read your story I can suddenly think of so many examples of when I have been pushed out but being excluded from a family holiday is exactly the sort of thing that would happen to me.

I have always been told that I have no right to be upset or feel excluded, indeed it is very selfish of me, considering the size of the family, its hard for my parents to spread their attention around...ect.

I had a bit of a breakdown at my sisters wedding last summer as I felt totally excluded and unwelcome, My step mother blanked me on the day. I complained to my Dad about this and he did not understand at all. He had this story about me in his head that my SM had told him and he did not even ask me if it was true just launched into a dialogue about how selfish I was and how I was failing to see anyone elses point of view and failing to be considerate to the rest of the family and making a scene and being embarrassing.

Several weeks later I received a letter from SM that really just spelt out to me quite how she believes the world revolves around her; she had leapt to all sorts of conclusions about how my behaviour was calculated to get at her... I could't actually give a flying toss about her and really could never be bothered to go to the elaborate lengths that she imagined I had gone to.

It really hurts me that my parents know so little about me but I am slowly coming to the conclusion that its their problem not mine. In the main I get on OK with my brothers and sisters, they don't understand how I feel. Though brothers 1,2 and 3 do agree that our mother is a mad old bat.

When my DH rang my Dad to ask for my hand in marraige (I know lovely and old fashioned :) ) my Dad asked him if he was sure, he explained that I could be very difficult, sulky and petulant... I thought it was funny when DH told me, now I find it sad.

Waily, that's terrible. I can't believe your dad would say that to DH! And to not even hear you out in regards to your SM!

I also feel like my parents don't know me at all. My dad's always been out of the picture really, I see him now and again, but he's a stranger to me as I am to him. As for my mother, she has never taken the time to try and understand me or even know what I like. If I ever spoke, she would just start talking over me, so I learnt to not bother wasting my breath, because clearly she didn't care about me, she only cared about DD. Because I split up with DD's father when she was 8 months old, my mother decided to swoop in and name herself the second parent . But I know if me and DP ever had children together, she wouldn't care about them like she does DD. Not that that really bothers me because I don't want her to be involved anyway!

Hello Bear and WWW, seems I'm not alone with the put downs. I'm sorry tohear you've had this too.

Bear - I think it sounds like you do right not taking that, it's so hard bringing up kids without getting criticism from family on top.

WWW - I know just how you mean about thinking something is funny when it happens, then looking back and thinking, that was really nasty. What on earth did your DH think when your Dad said that? Not nice at all. Do you find it hard that your siblings are not seeing it the same way as you do? My siblings are actually a huge part of the problem so it really feels like its all or nothing with my family. Perhaps with 10 you can find some allies?

I'm very similar duvet. I have three younger siblings who didn't suffer like I did, and so I'm made to look like I'm just a nutcase and have serious issues that are stemmed from myself and not a reflection as to how I was treated by them all. I have stopped contact with my siblings a long time ago, particularly my sister. She's the "golden child" and she thinks I'm the world's worst mother because I won't let our DDs spend time together. Well I won't let DD spend time with her DD because if her DD turns out anything like my sister, I feel absolutely terrible for her! My sister is just an awful human being, as is my mother.

Actually brother1 does get it, we seem to take it in turns to be the out casts. He regularly cuts contact with our mother but she always persistently weedles her way back in. And he has been telling me for years that SM is a selfish old bag but I refused to see it. We only started to get on as adults though as kids we did fight terribly, I fought with all of my DSibs, mainly, I think, because I felt so left out and, yes, jealous.
Brother2 is the golden boy. Yes my mother has favourites too. Bear is your mothers favouritism quite extreme? I mean my Mother really seems to believe that Brothers 2 and 5 are specially chosen for great things. The sun shines from where it really shouldn't do. I pointed out to her just how ridiculous this was quite a while ago and she is a bit more careful about how she expresses it these days but its still there...
I also recognise the obsession with DD, In my case its DS1 that my mother is fixated on. I, like you, separated from his father when he was 8 months and my mother has never missed an opportunity to point out how insecure/lonely/sad he seems to be

I don't know if mine are so blatant and obvious as yours sound. I just know that I can't be heard, however loud I shout. Many things I say are brushed under the carpet. I honestly don't know if I am the problem, because I feel upset about things that I shouldn't find upsetting or if my family are the problem.

Hi, I've been lurking and reading for several months now and would like to say on the record that I was a scared and lonely child because of the way in which my mother treated me. I'd like to think that she wasn't fully aware of her actions and my siblings and I make a joke of her behaviour (about how 'barking' she is) but I'm only just starting to get used to the idea that the scorn, belittling, disapproval and stony silences which run through our relationship was, and indeed is not, entirely my fault.

Thanks for the space to say that .

Waily yes, I do find it very extreme. Despite my sister blackmailing her with making her lose her job and not seeing her DD again, and tricking her to pay for her car, and stealing lots of money from her, my mother still thinks she's the best thing since sliced bread. She can't do anything wrong. DD is her first GC so this makes DD special in her eyes. I had cut contact for 4 months, and during those months, DD mentioned her twice, just asking when she'll see her nan again, and wasn't that bothered when I said we wouldn't be seeing her. I know my mother is very lonely and she needs her GC to make her life feel like it has some meaning. Least she has another GC to do that with now which makes things a little easier. My sister uses every opportunity she can get to have a babysister so she can go out to clubs with her friends and no doubt hasn't kicked her habit of sleeping around... And breathe... lol.

duvet you aren't the problem. Trust me. I went through years believing that I must be such a terrible person to have all the things that happened to me. My family are quite happy living in their little world and will deflect anything that will upset that, such as me being upset/angry/hurt by their actions. I always compare my relationship with DD with my relationship with my mother. I could never imagine myself being the way my mother was with me, so I know that she has a problem if she could treat me the way she did and without even acknowledging it, let alone being apologetic about it.

Funtime - it must be the season for newbies - I'm new too!

Sounds like you're getting your head round some not nice stuff so I'm sorry to hear that.

I only posted here last night for first time and it's been a help already.

Hi funtime this thread will be good for you for support and to just post about your thoughts and feelings. It's nice to be in a place where others understand what you've been through.

Thanks duvetday . I feel quite sick that I've posted it 'out there' and under my usual name, but I'm trying to finally stop making excuses for her behaviour and be more honest. Dh is very supportive and has suggested that I put a 'do you really need to make this call?' sticker on the phone to stop my hopes being dashed whenever I have some good news which gets squashed.

I know I'm not supposed to say it, but she isn't as nuts as the behaviour in some stories I've read if there's a silver lining to be found .