"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

manic, peanutbutter and maristella- My heart is breaking reading your stories just now-tears pouring down my cheeks here! I have nothing of any help to say to you all I'm afraid just sending big hugs .You are all amazing and are doing great jobs with your dcs-so lucky to have such super mums!Keep fighting the battle ladies- you are getting there slowly but surely!

Thank you. But as I was driving off to the shop tonight I realised that I had gotten sidetracked and not told you the rest of last night's incident. I just flipped. She took my request to try not to criticise me as a personal attack and blatantly implied I deny my child water ffs. I was so angry and lost control, I shouted and swore (luckily DS was in the shower, didn't hear a thing) and told her the get out of my house. She has not gotten me to that point for years, but then I have always been subjected to this shit outside of my home, she has never dared try it in my house.

A real victory for her; she gets to have a few really nasty digs, I lose it and she gains victim status. I'm ashamed of my reaction, but I do understand my reaction.

I'm waiting now for the angry abusive phonecall from my brother. No doubt he will rant and rave, and warn me off from upsetting his mother again. I can't wait.

I also feel that DS' age is a bit of a milestone for me. He is good as gold. At his age I was a smoker, drank a bit and smoked a bit of weed. In 6 months time he will be at the age where I developed a drink and weed problem. It came about because I had chronic insomnia and anxiety and found that they helped. It would have been better if there had been adults who could help. It's making me feel very resentful, and I feel angry on behalf of the child I was at DS' age.

I was lucky in that I outgrew my mother while still in primary school, and I squared up to her when I was 11. She has still raised a hand to me here and there after I reached adulthood. There is an annual festival thing here in town; lots of people milling around. I was happy, laughing and joking with friends. I burst out laughing at something, up until then she had been glaring at me, but when I laughed she reached over and smacked me across the face in front of everyone. I still don't know why.

peanut you are right about the jealousy; I've felt very aware of it since my mid teens. She is at her most toxic when I'm happy, relaxed and confident. She will just fume at me, seething away.

I've been a complete fool and early in the year DS and I asked her if she would like to come away with us. I'm so stupid; I mean how could this ever work????
So in a matter of days we are due to go away and I am dreading it. The last time we went away she was horrendous. She ignored me, sneered at me. I had to ask complete strangers to put suncream on me because she refused to touch me. I have been so bloody naive. I'm dreading it, I'm dreading the inevitable venom. I'll be at my happiest and most relaxed, so I'll be in for some real nastiness. I'll probably have to answer questions as to why she won't sit with us at dinner, why she ignores us. How embarrassing. I thought, hoped things were better, but they can't be better until she is better. I cannot believe that my own mother disrespects me so much as a mother and as a person. And I can't believe I have allowed this really quite unpleasant person to ruin what should be the best week of the year for us.

I'm kicking myself and I'm starting to hate her for making it so difficult to be her daughter, still after all these years.

Sorry for the essay. It's just all coming out. Years of bullshit that i did not and do not deserve.

I haven't been able to post properly so far today, but wanted to share something that happened to me yesterday.

I went for an interview yesterday. Prepared myself all weekend as I thought I'd be good at it, got the skills and experience and they just wanted a graduate, didn't say anything about needing experience. Learnt all I could about the company. Felt relatively good and somewhat confident about the whole thing. Turned up, receptionist was lovely and chatting with me for 10 minutes whilst I waited. The place was lovely, could really see myself working there, thought the manager and deputy were lovely. Then I sat down for the interview...

I haven't been made to feel so stupid and belittled since my dear mother last told me so. It actually felt like I was being interviewed by her! I understand that interviewers are going to ask you questions and make sure you're right for the business, totally get it, but I felt like I was being personally criticised, and ended up crying all the way home :(

One of the main things was, I finished doing a photography degree in May. I always wanted to do a degree, always loved photography, but always got told by my mum that it was a waste of time as I couldn't do photography as a career. The interviewer picked up on this and was like well why were you doing that when you want to come work for us in a completely different field. Now I get that it doesn't add up, I know that she'll want to know why (although let's face it, how many graduates actually land up in a job they graduated in the field of these days?), but it's the way she went about it, and it felt like she was, I dunno how to describe it other than comparing her to my sister who feels like she's better than me, and I just really really didn't like it. And that was the first thing she asked me so it put me off all the way through the interview. I couldn't remember what I was asked, I couldn't think how to answer questions properly, all I knew was I wanted to get out of that room and speak to DP and cry.

I just felt really humiliated and stupid and that I've just messed up my life again. I'm getting emotional again just thinking about it. But then it makes me angry as to how even things that have nothing to do with my mum, she still seems to creep up!

I hate her, I absolutely hate her and I want her out of my life and to stop making me feel so crap about myself and just wish she hadn't screwed me up so bad!

I don't think you've screwed up at all bear far from it. You have a degree, you must have a fire inside you to have done that, and a creativity to have achieved a photography degree :)

It's all too easy to link present situations with the abuse from the past (and present!) isn't it? That doesn't make us failures at all, it means that we may be more sensitive because we have been failed. I struggle with group dynamics, I feel very much on the outside because deep down I'm still not sure I am likeable or can belong. That means I need higher levels of support at work in order to cope. But it's the feelings from feeling like the oursider within the family, just like your interviewer may have made you feel like a struggling competitor?

It has been useful to identify my triggers, but it does make me feel damaged.
Please don't feel disheartened, I'm employed by the pople for whom I gave my worst interview ever, but they were won over by me before I went in :)

peanut thank you for acknowledging Unborn. I didn't ever really get to talk about it, and did grieve so much for years. Within a month I was addicted to a class A drug I had never tried before my mc, and within 10 months I was in scary hostel. I was off that drug within a week of moving in there :)

Thanks maristellathewitch you make a lot of sense. I mentioned it at my counselling today, and my counsellor said that I've had enough criticism in my life, and having been able to try and get a hold or control over when and how often I see my mum and incidentally when I would be criticised, so as it was so out of the blue and unexpected, I wasn't prepared for it which was why I got so upset by it.

I feel kind of stupid about it now, as like I said, I know why they asked the questions, but DP was all ready to go down to the offices and shout at the interviewer after seeing how upset I was lol.

But I've not let it get to me too much, just been job searching again. Ideally I'd love to run my business full time but as I'm starting out, it's difficult and I don't have a lot of money to invest, so I need a steady income until it's something I can survive on solely.

I understand what you mean by feeling like an outsider. For a long time I felt I couldn't be myself, as everyone seemed embarrassed or ashamed by my real personality. I can be quite quirky and very excitable by little things, so I'm quite weird, and I'm happy being that way and over the last few years I've been able to embrace it with the help and support of DP and DD. None of my family or ex liked it.

Feel like I'm rambling now lol.

Erm for a rambling post, see a few of mine earlier I think the only way to unpick the shit that has been shovelled your way from day one is to talk/type about it. For me just putting the words into order helps me understand things. The more I understand and detach, the better it gets. I just have to keep reinforcing what I've learned, rather than walk into the situation I'm in now where I'm dreading my holiday :(

I'm quirky and weird too :) a lot of people don't quite get me. I'm definitely excitable too, and people find that difficult at times, being excitable represents being happy and carefree, which toxic people may well resent.

Keep your chin up, you deserve to feel good about yourself. x

Thanks maristella. I'm sorry you are dreading your holiday. Is there no way you can ask her to not go now? Difficult I know, but be better for your and your DS. You also deserve to feel good too! I have also been at those points where you lose control and end up shouting and screaming til I'm blue in the face, and then regret it afterwards as the ball is now in her court in this stupid control game she plays.

Bear please dont be disheartened by the interview-it was completely unexpected criticismjust exactly like your controlling mother would have saidwhich touched a very raw nerve. You are usually probably prepared /have steeled yourself for your own dear mother's reactions and criticisms but were obviously taken aback completely by their questions. I think it was a real shame as you seemed so well prepared for it etc but believe me you will really benefit from it. You will be ready for anything at the next interview and will know that the pertinent questions have no parallel with your personal life. You will be so much stronger for this.
Maristella is there any way you can get out of this holiday or is your ds really looking forward to it? How does he get on with her by the way? She really strikes me as being mentally ill with regards to the water thing etc-thats incredulous stuff.You really rang a bell with me when you mentioned your ds and his age reminding you of years ago-I think I feel like that also.I had nothing as awful as the experiences you had feel a bit of a fraud reading other peoples posts actually but my dd is 14 and I had severe anorexia and bulimia at her age,tried to overdose etc and it lasted about 20 years , and I think I am reminded of that time a lot at the moment.Takes me back a bit. My dear mother was very cold, self-centred, controlling,overly-critical etc. Lived abroad for years ,married, had 2 dcs and then when my beloved dad died 8 years ago we stupidly moved back near dear mother (better schools, dh's job better etc) but it stirred the most intense feelings of anger in me once I was back in close proximity again-feelings of vitriol I didnt know I was capable of feeling.Then to cap it all, our gorgeous ds ,10 yrs. was diagnosed recently with Aspergers Syndrome and we were advised by the professionals involved to only tell people about it strictly on a need to know basis. And of course , what does the old witch do ,having told her not to say it to anyone yet, tells her little circle of close hagsfriends. I was enraged and was going to cut contact completely but have somehow ended up being in contact but have completely detached myself emotionally and just call now and again and agree with whatever nonsense she's on about etc.
Sooo sorry I have gone on for so long but it does help to type it all out and vent. >

Now may be a good time to mention the website www.pete-walker.com It's pretty heavy going, but has some enormously helpful ways to manage triggers.

xxx

Thanks Thumbelina you're right, I will be better prepared. I think that's why I got upset as well, because I worked hard over the weekend to be as prepared as I could, and felt I let myself down. Although then I tell myself, do I really want to work for someone who seems very demanding and strict? I don't think I could cope with that, so probably a blessing in some ways it went the way it did.

So sorry to hear that your mother went against your wishes to keep it quiet :( I would also be outraged with that. You have enough to cope with, without her causing more trouble! It does amaze me how they always seem to think that one rule applies for everyone else but doesn't for them I unfortunately live a 5 minute walk away from mine (desperate to move) but since I've detached from her emotionally and she's well aware of it, she doesn't just "drop by" or turn up unexpected. Thank goodness.

gobbycow thanks for that, shall have a browse!

maristella where are you going on holiday? I'd be tempted to tell her not to bother coming. You never know, she mightnt go if you've had a row. As for your brother; if he is so blind to his own mother's behaviours then he is no friend of yours. If he phones you and gets aggressive, tell him that if he wishes to hear your side of the story then he can come round when he's cooled off and talk to you face to face. Who hides behind phones and emails?! If he rejects it then you've lost nothing.

I have good days and bad days with it. Sometimes I sit there and seethe about their attitude to my son.

Peanut I've just read your post. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. That's a terrible thing for your mother to say about how one of your "crimes" was to get pregnant, and things you have remembered about your father. That makes me angry for you. Don't think you're making mountains out of molehills. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical.

I too also have my good days and my bad days.

My mother wrote a letter to DD, and I always read the letters before I give them to DD. This one says that she's going to call her tonight and that she has given her her address in case she wants to write telling her what she wants for Christmas. I don't like her calling my DD, as I can't hear what's being said unless I have it on speaker phone, which DD doesn't mind. But it just annoys me! Again, she had put that she's going to come see DD this weekend though that's not what's arranged!! I'm going to ask DP to text her again when he's home to tell her the date and to eff off to stop contact us so much as that's what the visit dates are for.

Hi bear thank you for your reply. Sometimes it's just nice to write it all down and have someone acknowledge you and say; 'you're not imagining it'. Because sometimes, the way it happens makes you think you must be making it all up in your head.

It is really nice peanut
In fact I wanted to thank you for doing just that, because so many people in RL find it difficult (and inconvenient!) to acknowledge your illtreatment.

This thread is such a safe place, thank you x

I spoke to my brother at lunchtime; he had texted to ask what had happened the other day, saying my mother had been upset ever since but won;t talk about it.

I took a deep breath and told him everything. He was very quiet, he knows she has done wrong. He absolutely disputes that I feel I have never ever been liked by her, he has no right to dispute the way that I feel; I gently told him that.

He has suggested that I could clear the air by apologising for throwing her out and swearing. I see his logic; it would clear the air and clear a path for the way forward BUT I am not sorry! I explained to him that if anyone else was to be as nasty to me in my own house then they would receive the same, and I might not resist the urge to physically assist them out the door like I managed to the other night. And if she was to try it again, I'm likely to chuck her out again.

I've told him that if she cannot respect me as DS' more than adequate mother, and commit to refrain from nastiness towards me, then she cannot come with us.

We're off to the Caribbean peanut so not the kind of holiday we will have very often, and not the kind of holiday that I will allow to be ruined. It has cost me soooooo much, I have gone without since February to make this possible. This will be her 3rd long haul holiday this year, where as it is a really big deal for DS and I.

Peanut this is very true. When I describe what I went through when I was young, it does sound like it's just something I've made up. It's nice to have somewhere safe and open to talk :)

maristella don't apologise. It's the kind of thing my mum would do. When we fell out, she felt we could just hug and her say sorry (though never meant it) and everything would be hunky dory again. Your brother sounds a lot like my sister. She always gets involved and is on mum's side (we don't get on) although she has been so horrid to her over the years (but that's another story). If she's anything like my mum, she's upset because you took over with the power and control and she didn't like it.

Is there any way you can just go on the holiday with DS? As it'll be a special holiday and because you've spent so much on it and have been saving for it, with your mum being there, it won't be a holiday and you won't enjoy it.

maristella that's quite alright. You deserve to be acknowledged. And well done for standing up to your brother! I agree with bear. I think you should go on holiday on your own with your DS, the Caribbean is beautiful. Don't ruin it in any way. I'm not sure what the arrangements are with regards to your holiday; are you sharing a room with your mum? If she can afford to go on 3 holidays a year, I'd suggest to her that she either pays for her own room or doesn't bother turning up, because she sure as hell won't be sharing with you. Come on sweetheart, you've saved for this; this is your treat!

bear sometimes I imagine everyone is the same as my parents and they won't believe me. That, or like I said; I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

Hello, I'm a new poster on this thread. I just posted about cutting contact with my family and someone kindly suggested I post here.

I kind of cracked to day, it almost came out of nowhere but I've been wondering about stopping seeing them for a long long time. I find it goes in fits and starts. This latest batch has been pretty bad.

I'm hoping hearing your stories and posting here will keep me strong. I have an awful tendency to feel ashamed at not having a kind family, I think my wish to be normal (whatever that is) has kept me going back for more.

Hey there duvet would you like to talk about what has happened? I'm sorry you've had to get to this point. You must have been through a lot of pain to get here x

maristella

Well done you for standing up to your mealy mouthed brother.

I would take your mother's name off the booking tomorrow and take the financial hit for doing so. A small price to pay I think. Your son and you deserve a nice holiday without her ruining it again by her mad behaviours towards you both. To me too she sounds personality disordered (you did not make her that way; her own family likely did that and I would think that her own childhood was abusive. Still no justification though for how she acts now).

What persuaded you to offer to take her on holiday in the first place?. Was it perhaps do to FOG re your mother - fear, obligation, guilt?.

Hi duvet

Glad you've made it here!.

A

attila is right maristella read Toxic Parents. It is the best thing I've read for my mental health in a long time.

Peanuts I know what you mean. When I first told DP, he seemed a bit skeptical in my opinion. I think that was just me being very paranoid and thinking he would think I was a nutcase or something. But what we've all been through has been dug into us deep deep down, and something I've always felt I can never escape. But I'm learning I can monitor it and control it and that does help, plus knowing I have support, i.e. DP, my counsellor, my GP and this thread.

Hi duvet well done for cutting contact! It's a huge step. Haven't seen your post but will go have a search for it. That feeling I can relate to all too well. I always wished I could be normal and have a normal family, i.e. a family that treated me like they loved me.

I have just had one of those epiphany moments. I was very upset cos my sister2 had booked for her family to go away for xmas, she booked somewhere big enough for sister1 and my parents. I was told once all booked, no space for my family.

I was hurt (as was my husband really) and I finally told them all. I was made out to be causing a fuss about nothing, insensitive, not understanding how stressed my sister is, and then the old favourite came out. 'Perhaps she had to do it that way because of what has gone on before. The trouble is, when the three of you (meaning sisters) are together it isn't much fun.' In that instant I saw that my parents have always played us off, there is always a bad one. It is (almost) never sister2. It pings between sister1 and I. Sister1 just diagnosed with MH problems, therefore she needs compassion, therefore she needs to be included, therefore I must leave.

This stuff has blighted me my whole life and I never really saw it so clearly. I always have had the vague sense that people would prefer it if I wasn't there, I've talked to my husband about it and he has said how strange it is, I feel even if I am invited somewhere people don't really want me. And in that conversation, it all just became so obvious.

I think I've never been so clearly on the end of something so crassly exclusive before and I had to have the row, which meant my Mum had to make her shitty defence, which meant I saw it all. So I sent an email, explained about the playing off and said I wanted a time out. And so now I feel like a dishcloth.