I've lurked here for 2 years and drawn strength from the passages written here. 3 months ago I read Toxic Parents and it was like a light was switched on.
I feel strange writing my story; I wasn't beaten as a child.
My father has always been a controlling man with a terrible temper. My mum used to argue back with him. I remember her gathering me up in her arms and racing up the stairs with my into my room and laying on the bed with me, the both of us crying and she stroked my hair. My Dad would come in and shout at us from time to time, I'd sob harder and so would she and she'd cry at him to 'just leave us alone'. He did eventually stop coming in. I out my teddies against the door to protect us. We lay there all night, fully dressed on my bed and slept together. I felt like she loved me.
She stopped arguing as much as I grew up, and I took quite a bit of the flak for her. He'd pick fights and she wouldn't stand up for me. I think she was just relieved it wasn't her. He was terribly controlling, demanding as I grew older to see bank statements etc.
I left home at 17 to join the forces. I did feel forced into going, I had to get out. He pushed the idea anyway and I felt like I had to leave the house. I met my DH and we had our first baby last year. My Dad got me alone in a room and told me he had been 'really fucking angry' when I had gotten pregnant. He tried to tell me what pram to buy, telling me my DH would be 'really pissed off' if I bought the wrong one.
When DS was born, I suffered quickly with PND. It was horrendous, and I felt I had nowhere to turn. I went to stay with my uncle (my mothers brother) for 2 weeks, and he and his wife helped me so much. Whilst I was there, I discovered none of the family really liked my father, when I asked why my uncle said it was because they all thought my father controlled my mother. My grandfather said he didn't even recognise his own daughter anymore. My uncle told me my mother used to be just like me, funny and happy, the life and soul of the party; really loud and lovely. But she changed when she met my dad. I couldn't believe him at first. She just isn't that person. She is painfully shy, won't say anything to anyone hardly. We never went to many family gatherings when I was a child.
With Christmas approaching, I felt more confident to confront my parents about their stance with my DS. My mother told me she thought it was the wrong time to have our son, but that he 'is here now so we'll just have to get on with it'. I told them not to bother coming round Boxing Day, because I knew they would try to cause ructions about it. My mum in the New Year, wrote me a letter listing all of my 'crimes' in the previous year, which has started with me getting pregnant. I have kept the letter to prove to myself its not in my imagination.
I have also begun counselling, which unearthed strange memories, including my father repeatedly watching me get undressed, shower and get dressed again, also making comments about my developing body. Particularly my thighs. This stopped when I left home, with him becoming almost prudish towards me. I remember feeling an odd sense of rejection, which disgusts me now. I disgust myself with that memory. It makes me feel dirty.
Our relationship is odd and fractured now. I am upset they don't really want to know my DS. I want to reconcile, in an odd way. But I know that what I want from them; they will never provide. And I cannot forgive them.
I've tried to put my story in some semblance of order; although there is probably more I'd like to write down, if thats ok. I think I'm ready to stop grieving for what I've lost. I'm not angry for whole days anymore. I want to talk about it though, if just to prove I wasn't imagining it all.
Even when I look back I think; that doesn't even look bad! What are you moaning about?! Do you know what I mean? It's taken me so long to write this; I feel constantly like I must be making a mountain out of a molehill.