"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi Bear- as you know I'm not very far into this journey so probably don't have great advice- but in your situation I would probably get your DP to inform your Mum that that day isn't convenient and not to text you again.

It just seems like if you reply via text you might be drawn back into her drama and one text would lead to another.

What kind of wedding are you thinking of having? Me and DH got married in secret it was brilliant! Have you thought of doing the double- barrelled (sp?) surname thing? That way you keep yours but also have your DP's, and it differentiates you from the rest of your family. Just a thought.

Bear - Either have your DP text her that it's not convenient, or do nothing, but don't let her in when she turns up on the 13th. You know she's pushing you - "That Bear isn't going to impose her silly rules on me!" - so you have to find the way which most clearly enforces the boundaries you've set, so that it's clear that you're serious when you say no.

As for surnames, I also have a very unusual one. When I got married I double-barreled it, because I was also marrying somebody with a v common surname, whereas my first and last name together express a lot about my slightly unusual background, so I wanted to keep that. It was also important for me to keep the name that I had built my own achievements under. This is the bit I want to underline: it may be your parents' name, but it is also the name that you have on your diplomas, on your job contracts, on any awards or published articles or whatever it is you have achieved in your life so far. So it's also your name; the name you have been an independent person under. Does it help you to see it like that, rather than as your parents' name?

Phish do take care of yourself right now. When I realized stbxh was abusive, that seriously knocked the stuffing out of me, but it's when I realised shortly afterwards that my parents were abusive that I fell into a pretty deep depression. Losing my marriage and all I had believed about it was one horrendous thing, but losing my image of my happy childhood was way more destabilising, since it meant that my entire life had been built on a lie; that I had always been abused, and essentially never known a day without it.

I don't know if that's something of what you're feeling now. But your parents are the most primal relationship in your life, barring any DC, so seeing their love and care and nurture of you under the light of abuse is going to bring up a lot of destabilizing emotions.

Get RL help - therapy, GP if you need any meds, support group if you want to look for one... or at least make sure you have lots of good, healthy stuff to distract yourself with, such as outings with friends and hobbies.

Take care.

Thanks both of you. I did think that. Shall speak to DP at the weekend.

I have thought about double barreling it, but DD's name is already double barreled and she wants to take DP's surname as well, so seems like it would be a bit cruel to make her have 3 lol. She wants to have her father's surname-DP's surname. She doesn't really get on with her father and rarely sees him but just to keep things okay on that front. But that's a good way to think of it ItsMe I have 2 years to work out what to do lol.

Phish we were talking about a small wedding, but then we worked out DP has 60 people that he needs to invite (big family). I have been quite adamant for a while that I don't want my family there, and I'm planning on asking a friend to walk me down the aisle too. DP thinks I'll regret not inviting my family but I highly doubt it, but like I said, got 2 years to think about it.

Also, like ItsMe says, do take care of yourself. I was one of those that refused to go on meds, believed I could pull myself out of the hole I was in, but it really helped me to go onto meds and I'm looking forward to getting back into counselling. I did it for 2 years and made some real breakthroughs. This was about 2 years ago when it finished. It's always a shock when you realise these things. I know I went through it. I unfortunately went through a nervous breakdown because of my mum (which she denied all responsibility of) and this led me on to meds and counselling. She once suggested us doing family counselling, but that was only because her GP (who was mine too) had advised it. I refused it as I could never go into details of what happened to me when I was little as she would say I was making it up

It's good that you're checking on your siblings and letting them know that they have someone to talk to if they need to. Is there any way that you could see them without your mum being around?

"When I realized stbxh was abusive, that seriously knocked the stuffing out of me, but it's when I realised shortly afterwards that my parents were abusive that I fell into a pretty deep depression. Losing my marriage and all I had believed about it was one horrendous thing, but losing my image of my happy childhood was way more destabilising, since it meant that my entire life had been built on a lie; that I had always been abused, and essentially never known a day without it."

This is me too. The grief that I now feel is huge....and sometimes I wonder why I have a life that has meant that I have to deal with it, and so many others in dysfunctional families carry on regardless. My sisters are completely unaware, and they all just think that I am mad, bad and dangerous to know. It's so bloody unfair. But it was their total belief in my insanity that drove me to the GP in the first place.

I have found that CBT has helped deal with the aftershocks of the truth.

I had always been abused, and essentially never known a day without it.

That really shook me. I'm still getting over it, but think it's what I needed.

My depression has been processing this grief for the past.

It's pretty much lifted now: I have grieved for the past. And now I'm placing myself in the present: every day now is a day without abuse from family members, since stbxh has been booted out, and my parents' stuff just does not affect me anymore. They can wheedle me to pay attention to them, huff at me because I'm not, throw insults at me, complain about me to others till the cows come home: I. don't. care. It doesn't shake me like it used to, because I now don't feel guilty about putting myself first: I'm staying away from them because I find it too hard to interact with them. I realise this is upsetting to them, and I'm sorry about that. But I feel happy putting my need for distance first.

Because I'm worth it.

A friend of my family, who is a friend of mine too, emailed my mother to let her know my situation. She had no reply, which doesn't surprise me, and doesn't bother me.

They don't bother me any more either....it's the fact that my entire life has been for the "use" of others. That is so unfair! (see four year old stamping foot!) My life has past me by, without me in it! And the prize I get for dealing with it all in the right way, is overwhelming grief and loneliness.

That's a pile of shit.

It is a pile of shit.

I believe the overwhelming grief and loneliness will pass, though, gobby. And once it's gone, there you'll be: free from abuse, free from grief about past abuse, and ready to take on the life you are entitled to live.

it's the fact that my entire life has been for the "use" of others

snap to the childlike tantrum, gobbycow! I remember shouting out in tears and anger (there was no-one around) when I realised this (August). I was so frustrated at how unfair it was that I couldn't express it at all and felt my heart would burst.

However, I'm now in a pretty angry stage - has anyone been through this?

I'm taking NO prisoners in any area of my life. I'm telling people pretty directly what I make of a given situation (this week I've sacked my PT, crudely dumped a guy that was clinging on he wasn't taking a hint, had a very difficult (but necessary) conversation with someone in my team, and stood up for myself and others against my boss who was trying to undermine me and others).

My overriding feeling is that I've been used for other's benefit all my life, so bugger everyone, this is MY turn. I'm doing what I bloody well want.

I just hope it morphs into something that is more polite, but no less powerful.

assertiveness is powerful and respectful at the same time.

I'm so new to standing up for my own boundaries that I don't really understand what is assertive and what is rude! I try to say things respectfully (like when I sacked my personal trainer), but I feel rude, because, to me, standing up for myself is rude. So I'm not sure if I am or not...I think not, people react postively, but I do doubt whether they are hating me in their mind.

One of the assertiveness books I have on my shelf is called "When I say no I feel guilty". Does that sum up the way you feel, teacup?

You'll get over it with practice. How many people you'll still have in your employ by that time, though...

In all seriousness, if you say that people are reacting positively to the new "rude" you, then you're probably doing it just right. It's just a question of handling your own feelings about it, as you identify.

So my question to you is: why should you feel guilty about clearly telling other people what you want from them?

Yes....I am becoming more assertive.

There is this person I have known for thirty or so years. A work colleague, who used to have a bit of a thing for me. He is/ was a facebook friend. He sends those racist emails out...you know, how the illegals are stealing all the pensioner's money. I have asked him to stop, privately, on a number of occasions, but last monday he sent another. SO I put it on Facebook. I was not rude, I just pointed out that since he had ignored my private requests, maybe he would take notice of one in public. So he defriended and that was fine. Really....I don't want explicit racists in my life.

But the fallout! Bloody hell! I was rather proud of my calm assertiveness, and happy with the result, but kind of ex, H, HAD to pile in there and sent the MOST bizarre email to him, accusing him of flirting with me, and demanding the email address of his partner so that he could inform her of this perceived infidelity. Extraordinary!

Oh remember I am the mad one here! In fact it is two years to the day that I got my first NHS counselling appointment through....the beginning of the end of their insanity destroying me.

Happy birthday Gobby.

ah Puppy yes I know you've hit the nail on the head (as ever!). That's a really good question.

I am so used to being compliant, easygoing, "it doesn't matter, I'll take up the slack/annoyance/whatever" because if I didn't, people would reject me or get angry with me and I've never done conflict well (well, except for now, when I'm caring less about what people think of me or if they walk away).

Telling someone something that could make them feel less than happy (eg me having needs meant that they would have to accommodate them, which would be an inconvenience) would make me feel guilty for making them sad/inconvenienced.

So, yep, feeling guilty for saying no. Well, I did. I now just mostly feel confused about how to say no. I'm sure it's like a pendulum, swinging from too compliant to too (ahem) assertive, and will eventually settle. It's just that this new wave of angry assertiveness has come as a complete surprise!

Might get that book though, it sounds good.

Happy birthday indeed!

Birthday

Thanks again for the support.

I am already on ADs and hoping they will help me through. I have had counselling a couple of years ago, but I do need more- I just had to put my own counselling aside to focus on relate as I felt the most pressing issue was my marriage. Now I see how interlinked the whole mess is.

I feel a bit like I'm in shock now, a bit numb or something. Am going to try and have my brothers over next week, will have to be sneaky in finding out how/if they are punished physically.

I'm planning on still seeing my mum, but backing off a lot to get a bit of distance. All my life I've been trying to make her notice me. It doesn't work. I will never get the positive attention from her that I crave, she will never say that she loves me or is proud of me (whether or not she feels it).

Happy birthday GC

I have typed and deleted so many posts on this and other threads. I struggle to say what I want to say but will continue to lurk and take comfort and advice from those of you who are brave enough to share your stories.

I wish I could. I had thought about name changing but realized it's not embarrassment that is the problem, it's just the lack of words.

This probably sounds like a ramble. Sorry. And sorry for crashing in.

If it was a ramble, harry, it was a very short one :)

Please don't apologise for wanting to speak out. We've all had enough of that already. Take your time, say what you want or can, ramble away. It's your space.

Thanks garlicbread. I am really struggling just now. I am quite worried that it is the start of another bout of depression TBH.

I just get so annoyed with myself. My lovely SIL had a hideous childhood. She is 13 years younger than me and so together. I don't understand why it all still affects me so badly.

I feel like I've tried everything and I'm still bloody moping and not getting on with things.

I am going through a really bad time with my mum too. Most of the time I manage to put everything to the back of my mind but at the moment I am raging with her. I can't phone her or speak to her at all. She hasn't done anything (new) but I think I would be happy at the moment if I never saw her or spoke to her again.

Actually it's a relief just writing that. I really, really don't love her and I think I struggle with that feeling.

My DB is being treated for PTSD and I am waiting to see if it helps him. We try to talk about things but it's too difficult most of the time.

Yes, it is difficult. Congrats on having the guts to write you don't love your mum! Feels better once you've said it. I've found it easier, in the long term, to frame my feelings about my mother as the way I'd feel about some old lady I know quite well - I don't have to love her, or even like her much, just be civil now and again. Sounds like yours could probably do with complete excision from your life and DB's but, just now, the 'crazy old woman' approach might be more helpful ... what do you think?

Listen, I seemed massively together until events forced me to poke under the surface. It's quite usual for people to paper over the cracks successfully then, when something happens, the paper comes off. There's no need at all to compare yourself to SIL. Different people have different ways of coping ... but paper is only paper, it's not the answer.

Sorry for overdoing the metaphor, I'm filling real cracks in real walls today so it's top of mind!

garlicbread, thank you so much for replying. You have given me loads to think about. I'm going to try out the 'crazy old lady' thing in my mind while I go to the shops and let you know how I'm doing if you don't mind.

It would be wonderful to disconnect myself emotionally from her. Until recently she has been, almost unbelievably, a brilliant granny. Recently I've noticed her being hyper, hyper critical of DS which is triggering a lot of my old feelings. I'm really struggling with food again and am finding it really hard to organise myself or my thoughts.

I really appreciate you replies. Good luck with the decorating.

Thank you, harry.

I was once sitting in a cafe and saw my mum walk by - she was stalking looking for me. Instead of running out to fetch her, I sat and appraised her as someone else might, who doesn't know her.

Yup, I saw a crazy old lady

Hope your trip out helped to clear your mind.