"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[garlicBread]

It's November 2011, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Which, ItsMe? Carpe diem or stand'n'stare?

I was referring to Traveller's post, garlic. x post.

I see truth in both of your posts: one the one hand accepting things as they are (Buddha-like), and on the other striving for the best one can. The difference is probably the same/similar as what is referred to in that famous prayer - you know: grant me the courage to change what I can, serenity to accept what I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity Prayer :)
Yes, that's it, perfectly.

that is certainly ringing true to me today.

Hi there. I think (but am not sure) that I may belong here, please tell me to shut up if I am just being whiny. My parents are really hard work, our family is one of those families that just doesn't do emotion (except yelling or the I am dissappointed with you stare)) we dont hug, kiss or say love you. I really have a problem with my personal space being invaded, ie if a friend goes to give me a hug I take a step back and do a good impression of an ironing board! The odd thing is though that until recently I thought this was normal and a good thing as it meant that I didn't need to rely on anyone else. Don't get me wrong I thought my parents were a bit odd/embarrassing a times ie when I was 15 (am 35 now) we were at a parents evening and my teacher mentioned that as I was doing my final exams maybe I should stop my part time job (which my mum found me). He then jokingly said that perhaps my parents could increase my pocket money (we didn't get any LOL) Anyway my mum said "well, she will have to stop being lazy and start pulling her weight around the house" Cringe!! Please believe me all of us (2 sisters) were far from lazy although at the time I thought we were. There are loads of stories like this btw.
Anyway the reason that brought me to realise that this was a problem was when my DH and I had a rough patch and he said that he was tired of my parent esp my mums behaviour and the fact that I worried so much about pleasing her to the detriment of our relationship. I thought he was just being jealous. Anyway we ended up at RELATE and the counsellor basically said the same as him. This was 4 years ago btw and I have had a gorgeous DD since. Since then my parents have really upped the ante (or maybe I am more aware of it). They were really rude to my DH and he now wont go back unless they apologise, they dont even realise that they were rude and I just cannot confront them about it. They actually think that we were rude and then they just didn't call for 2 months until I cracked and then it all gets pushed aside. My DD recently had a birthday, DM asked what she wanted, I told them and then they bought her something else instead as the original present didn't cost much WTF. I still can't confront them and I am noticing that I am taking on their behaviours which really bothers me (I make sure that I hug and kiss LO lots though). I have also realised that I am always passive aggressive which again until recently I thought was me just being polite. Obviously I now realise that it is bloody annoying for everyone else including my DH. How to you get past this? I know that I have to tackle it. Sorry for the ramble but am going to post now before I chicken out.

longdays you are more than welcome here. I have also been the same. I didn't like people coming into my personal space. When I first met DP's family, they all hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and it freaked me out because I don't get that from my family.

I'm sorry to hear that this had affected your relationship with DH, but least your counsellor has helped you be more aware of this. We don't realise that this isn't normal until someone outside the box can point it out to us. Have you thought of doing counselling just for yourself? That way you can talk more openly about your past and your thoughts and feelings. Counselling really helped me get past a horrible stage in my life, where I had turned into someone I'm not.

Hello longdays....yes you are in the right place. Therapy and this place have helped me to find the road to transforming my life, at a really very fundamental level. It CAN be done.

I didn't do hugs, and was also a pretty good ironing board...I hug lots now.

The more you talk, and read and learn, the easier it will become. There are tons of resources...Garlic linked them at the start of this thread. Perhaps have a look at some of those?

I can't stop thinking today about some of the things my mother said to me growing up:

Finding out I was cutting myself: "You are a weirdo" while hugging me.
Seeing me in an internet chatroom: "You can't make friends in real life, so why are you bothering to try making them on the internet."
"I wish I hadn't had kids"
Said on my birthday: "Why do you have to ruin everything?"
"You're so ugly when you cry."

And over and over again: "I love you but I don't really like you."

My Dad never said/did anything. Just watched TV.

OMG yellowraincoat - my mum said exactly that - 'I love you but I don;t like you' - it still rings in my ears! That was awful, awful - everywhere I go I just feel as though people don;t really like me, but see me out of some kind of obligation - which is exactly what that phrase made me feel.

I hate those sort of evil, twisted, sound almost nice but make you feel like shit comments.

Hello to longdays - yes, it sounds like you might be amongst friends here. I'm new here but a longtime dealer with a not nice family. Hope things improve x

I just read that back - I mean of course I;ve been dealing with my crap family, I;m not any other kind of dealer (antiques or drugs!!!)

Yeah, my mother said that too.
Had a fascinating family meeting last week. Met up with Ds, haven't seen one another for years and years. " Did you know Mum has NPD"?
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but it was a relief. A divide and rule policy has been in operation for years, she must have been shitting herself when ds asked her for my number!

My mum keeps telling me how much she loves me. I think she does.
I'm so tired of her disaproval though.
She used to slap me on the face when I was a child. She would say "take off your glasses, I don't want to break them", and then she would make me wait and then she would slap me.
I'm now scared of making the tiniest mistake, I never take risks.
She rang a few years back on my wedding anniversary and after the usual well wishes and so she said "so, what's happening in your empty life". I wasn't working at the time, I suppose that's what she meant.
This obv. not all. Just two episodes.
I do genuinely think she loves me though. And I do love her as well.
I don't know why I'm writing this here and now. Maybe if I write it down and namechange again, it will go away.

Oh bluecardie your post makes me so . It is not really a loving thing to do those two examples you've written about. Does your mum find it difficult to express her love to others too? Because those things are hurtful, not loving

Same with my sister.
I never realised that until I had a chat with my sister last year and discovered she has exactly the same problems in her relationsips and life as I do.
So things started to fall in place.

duvetday - yes you're right. I feel like people see me out of a sense of obligation, but actually, they'd be fine if I just fucked off.

duvetday - yes you're right. I feel like people see me out of a sense of obligation, but actually, they'd be fine if I just fucked off.

Thing is, a lot of people feel love without actually doing it. When they say "I love you", I believe they mean it in the sense that they feel a benevolent emotion towards you, which they label love. It's a not a particularly giving or sharing kind of feeling, though. It does not include empathy. The 'lover' does not willingly inconvenience themselves for the 'loved' one.

I remember my ex going crazy when a friend of ours dumped her fiance because "he didn't love her enough, or the right way". Something was trying really hard to bash its way into my brain at that point - I felt it, but concluded I must be scared of him saying the same about me. Of course, our friend's reasoning and H's reaction showed me that I should make the very same complaint ... and he knew it. But, since an insufficient love was all I'd ever known, I couldn't hear what my own mind was telling me.

When my mum and I had The Talks, she kept pleading "You know I love, don't you garlic?" I told I know, and always have done. She does; it's just that her feeling (what she feels is love) wasn't enough or the right kind.

Whoops, missed few pronouns out there.

No, once again garlic you explain that so well. And when you have never experienced it, how do you know what to look for? H still maintains that he loves me....he doesn't know me, so how can he? Actually that is true for all of them...no one ever knew me, they were too busy projecting their own stuff!

I would love to experience real sharing, and real concern for a mutual benefit...that must be wonderful. I suppose I have it with my kids...but imagine with a partner........

when you have never experienced it, how do you know what to look for? - Funny, but it took a therapist to point out that all I need to look for is someone who loves like I do! Sad to say, my reaction at that time was ... I was unable to imagine it. I've been working on that ever since - starting with myself. It's weird what a difficult journey it's proving to be.

maintains that he loves me....he doesn't know me, so how can he? - I remember the blinding flash when I realised that about X2. Once I had, I could track his changing narrative about who I was; very little of it based on fact; all of it dependent on my 'role' in his life at any given time.

I can't say I've never experienced real concern for a mutual benefit but I can identify the few people who've offered it - friends - and the ways in which I damaged it by being unable to believe in it. It's a bummer, innit?

Blimey...if I found someone that loves like I do....Jeeeeeez! It can't be though, because there's still tooooooo much co dependency going on in me...at the moment anyway, although I can't believe the flood of dysfunctional belief that has poured away from me since the dam of my family role was smashed by Brenda...bless her!

all of it dependent on my 'role' in his life

Adam Jukes makes reference to this in his work with abusers, that he tries to get them to identify real qualities of the abusers partner, that is not framed within a reference to the abuser himself. Something they find impossible to do!

Xmas is nearly here , and the avalanche of "happy family images " has begun.

It's getting on my nerves already.

I don't grudge anyone who has loving parents ,and grandparents for their kids.

I suppose I'm , I know it's silly , but it makes me that my lot were not like that...they're more like a disaster in waiting...still on the bright side at least I'm Nc , so I don't have to suffer them anymore.

I still wish it was different though.

I want a mum . And a grandmother for my kids.
I want a dad , and a grandfather for the kids.
I want my sister to be nice and give a shit about me and my kids
Ditto for my brothers.

If it wasn't for my kids I'd hibernate and miss Xmas altogether , it's too hard a time .

I hate it . Even when I'm shopping for kids presents I'm reminded of my childhood. Sometimes the pressure of it makes it hard to breath, I'm suffocating with the memories. 12 year old me , watched my brother and sister open gifts and get bikes and computer consoles. I got slippers and eniodblighton noddy book.( I think it was mention for youngest brother who was 5 , but she must have labeled it wrong ).

Even worse was when holiday was over and kids at school asked and compared what you got with what they had.
One said " is that it ? Your parents must hate you " . Nasty ,but true.

Sorry , having a bad day , thinking too much again .ignore me.

I dread Christmas.
I try, and I never get it right.