So, I am away on hols with not so dh, dd and mil. Driving me nuts!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Living sort of seperately, but under the same room, separate rooms, while we wait for Relate. Holiday arranged ages ago...mil, intefering control freak, not long lost fil, and it seemed like a nice, but far too optimistic thing to do. Decided to come away anyway, but have had to share a room. Arse husband has packed the double blow-up bed, not the single, and I have been moving furniture half the night. Trying to do it quietly, to avoid nosey mil knowing. I thought she would try and have a sneaky peak in our room, so I put a put a bit of paper in the door jam. Sure enough, its fallen out because she's been in. So angry, could throttle the pair of them.

I agree Sans, and i am frankly exhausted at trying to second-guess him. If it does not go ok today, contact will be via a contact centre, if dd wants it.

how did it go today parsley?

i've been lurking so not posted before but truly think you're better off with him gone.

i think so warthog, but still a bit sad, but sad enough. Bit grim, but no kick offs, and was never going to be pleasant...dd doesn't know if she wants to see him next week, so I'll let her make her own mind up, she is nearly 14. Meant to look if the wedding ring was on or off, then forgot, irritated I forgot, but not heartbroken. Care, but not very much about the ring, he's been playing musical rings for a while.

Meant to say not sad enough in first line.... Sans we got there early to get a seat near exit, etc, and he was there before...which made me a bit cross. Also found he has managed to bugger up the video in his Custars Last Stand....v childish when I thought I had taped the bit on Emmerdale omnibus where the woman from the pub does a dirty deal with Cain.

Glad it wasn't too dramatic. I find the constant drama/egg shell stuff very tiring and tiresome (not that we're talking about me). It can be very wearing though. Think it's good that you're letting DD decide what to do. Does your H have a way to manipulate her (text/email/calls) that you wouldn't know about? Guess you'll have covered that off, tbh. Not like you haven't got his measure.

How do you feel though? Are you ok?

Sans I know I'll survive (thanks Gloria) but yes it is exhausting trying to second guess things, and am still wondering what in the house he has effed about with that we haven't found...But before he went, that took a lot of energy....having your self-esteem eroded, pandering to man-child, having to make different meals for everyone, wait for him to get home late from work, then have a bath, before anyone could eat, picking up after the untidy sod....this is without all the intermittent passive aggression, and before I knew about his Hobby. Relieved he is gone, still angry at him for being Arse, and still Sad and Bemused that he wants to take someone's love and do this with it....So have you got an Eggshell Drama of your very own then Sans?

Not any more. I had one once before... Plus, your H sounds like my father so I am assuming I know the family impact (although I may well not).

My situation is completely stupid and partly of my own making. I've been "with" someone for 8 years. During this time he had bounced between me and his "ex" wife. We have a four year old DD. Then I found out that he'd been shagging someone else (where does he get the energy?). Now, two months on from discovery, he swears he is trying to "make the right and final decision" and I'm letting him. I should tell him to get lost and only be touch re DD but I haven't (yet). It's way more complicated than I've outlined (isn't it always?) but I just can't be arsed to deal with it at the moment. More drama avoidance...

Sans , my dad was w bully, and so is ah, so a pattern here. He is trying to ring dd, tho' I have told him it counts as unsupervised access, and not to at the moment, while he is manipulating her. Fortunately I have given her another phone to use day to day..Old bag mil rang dd last night...rather too interested in where we are going to be bonfire night, so I have changed the locks...

I'm going to need a solicitor sooner rather than later re access aren't I? Completely disregarding what I thought we had agreed, and yet apparently waiting for a Relate appointment.

Yes, sadly... Think you're right. Solicitor is the way to go. And sod the Relate appointment (unless you want to go) - why bother?

Sorry it's happened to you, and he's being a knobdick.

Yes, get a sol on board asap. Good luck.

Relate appointment helps sort access etc amicably I'm told. Solicitor has not rung back, appointment was meant to be urgent on Friday...I'm trying to get a personal reccomendation. Last time the solicitor recomended by the local refuge was rather too interested in my tits for my liking, and I had to change to a woman. Who was a bit crap in the end, but more sympathetic, and did not keep looking at my boobs....

It's all such bloody hard work. Changing the locks, trying to second-guess how he's going to try to manipulate next....the mil was a bit too interested in where we're going for bonfire night so have warned the neighbours....don't want a repeat of boiler-gate.

Want to text ah he not ringing dh, relate, sorting out some temp money arrangements, etc. There is no indication he will be reasonable, so this is a bad idea isn't it. I'm just going to have to do it through a solicitor. Will ring Relate, and see if they even HAVE the forms, see what their time gap is, if this would help make arrangements amicable.
Tell me not to text, and why its a bad idea. Remind me. He's not going to respond like a reasonable person is he. If he was reasonable, we wouldn't be in this situation....

Help! Tell me not to! Talk to me!

Don't do it!

Find a good solicitor and speak to them instead!

Sorry I haven't been around (bloody builders disconnected the internet) so I've been having trouble accessing MN to post (though have been lurking) - I think you've been doing great Parsley!

Good luck!

Don't do it

Put that phone down

It won't help.

Parsley you know you mustn't do it.
You have been a tower of stength to me, how about reading back over the advice you've given me?

The second guessing and not knowing how reasonable/unreasonable they are going to be is incredibly wearing, I know.

Keep strong, you can do this.
You and Your DD are all that count now.

Please feel free to pm me if you think I can help further.
We're all here for you and are beside you, please don't feel alone.

Thanks WM

Don't text.
Don't phone.
Don't contact.

Do find a solicitor.

Do NOT go to Relate. Why would you need to? Your only reason for going in the first place was to placate him; you don't need to do that now. You have made your decision and you don't need to collude with him in his pretense that he wants to sort everything out. Do not go.

I'm aghast that a supposedly grown man is capable of such petty acts of sabotage to what is in fact his own (joint) property, let alone his child's home. This is not a man you can negotiate with. Reasonable people just don't do that sort of stuff.

Solicitor asap missus!
After you've spoken to the solicitor, why would you need Relate? Going to Relate is pandering to his need to be seen to be doing the Right Thing - it's not going to achieve anything for you as a couple. However, going on your own at a different time might be beneficial for you, talking things through with a rational sane person, and may be useful for your DD too.

I thought Relate might be useful for meThumb.

Relate would be very useful for you BUT...go alone, not with The Dear Departed!

A counsellor will be able to help you but not if TDD is there playing silly arses and sabotaging your attempts to find a way forward...and he will sabotage.

Picasso xx

Hey Parsley... How's it been today?

Not too bad peeps, considering. He is still in denial about mind gaming dd....not a man trying to change his ways. Waiting for solicitor to ring. She is late....