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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, I am away on hols with not so dh, dd and mil. Driving me nuts!

174 replies

ParsleyTheLioness · 24/10/2011 23:25

Living sort of seperately, but under the same room, separate rooms, while we wait for Relate. Holiday arranged ages ago...mil, intefering control freak, not long lost fil, and it seemed like a nice, but far too optimistic thing to do. Decided to come away anyway, but have had to share a room. Arse husband has packed the double blow-up bed, not the single, and I have been moving furniture half the night. Trying to do it quietly, to avoid nosey mil knowing. I thought she would try and have a sneaky peak in our room, so I put a put a bit of paper in the door jam. Sure enough, its fallen out because she's been in. So angry, could throttle the pair of them.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 28/10/2011 13:32

Womens aid?? Do you want to talk about the DV?

What has been happening to you? You poor thing.

BLOO3Z · 28/10/2011 13:34

Yes I agree with the above post. box the rest of his stuff up and give it to him tomorrow, so as then no confusion on his part that this is a temporary situation. Don't think he should be allowed into house at all. Would limit any conversation with him too. Got a horrible feeling that he has gone too easy and my be more to come out of the wood work, however you really need to shut the door both physically and mentally for your own sanity! You will need to inform school of situation for dd sake.

Thzumbazombiewitch · 28/10/2011 13:38

Relate don't always try to get people back together - sometimes they will agree that you are better off apart (happened to a friend of mine and his long-term girlfriend). So perhaps you SHOULD still go, just so you can get your say and with a bit of luck, the Relate counsellor will be suitably horrified and agree that you should separate. Might give His Nibs something to think about if someone else agrees with you! (doubt it though, he'll probably just decide that the counsellor is "useless") Still, it means you have done it, one less stick for him to beat you with. Might be useful.

fiventhree · 28/10/2011 13:40

Just rereading...

"..he tried to go without anything. So he could say I wouldn't let him have his clothes"

It may be because he thinks he is having a weekend away whilst you calm down, and he plans to be back.

You really do need legal advice, especially if you are at all worried about DV, and given his co-ownership of the family home

fiventhree · 28/10/2011 13:43

I do agree about Relate- they wont agree with anything, though, it isnt their job. But they can help you separately to make sense of what has happened, and later maybe you could (or not) involve him in that process so that the split, if permanent, is less costly. Or have two processes, eg Relate for you and mediation re divorce etc as a pair, and keep them separate.

LIZS · 28/10/2011 14:00

Agree about getting legal advice asap, especially if you think he isn't entitled to 50% of the house - I bet he believes he is. Sorry you've had such a hideous week.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 28/10/2011 14:16

I understand the split is now something like 70% to resident parent now...but am waiting for solicitors receptionist to ring back

OP posts:
Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 02:58

Well, so much for the solicitors ringing back, will be Monday now, before I can chase it. couldn't get through to the Womens Aid helpline, didn't open til 12 then permanently engaged. Presumably vastly under funded low-priority cinderella service...

Ph is coming round today to get his motorbike from garage. man coming to collect from ebay sale. I have texted him ask if docs for same are in house, as I will be civil, but do not want him inside.
Not going on Ghost Train now, friend coming with dd and her mate so she doesn't miss out. Meeting at Mc d's, that well-know access venue, cos he can't kick off there, on Sunday.

What have I not thought of Wise women?

OP posts:
Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 06:55

Just found that he seems to have shut off, or somehow intefered with the water flow for the dishwasher or boiler...he's a plumber, so he'd know what to do....
I need to get someone round when he comes for his effin motorbike don't I. I've already said I don't want him in the house.

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 29/10/2011 07:30

You do indeed. Definitely. Why TF would he have shut the water off except to piss you off? Fucker. Do you know any other plumber who could come out and sort it out for you?

bail · 29/10/2011 07:34

Get the water flow fixed BEFORE he comes to pick up the bike. Then, when he arrives, do no say a word about it but make a very clear point by having the dishwasher and washing machine running, and the heating turned up to the max.

You mention Women's Aid. Have you suffered DV?

I have read your posts with real concern. Your husband sounds like a complete an utter arse, and I feel great synpathy for you and your DD.

However, I am worried that you are getting swept up in the drama of it all. I absolutely do not mean that cruelly. My point is that I think you should focus all your energies on getting this horrible situation resolved in the best way for you and your dd, rather than getting distracted by documenting your situation in the most witty and enfolding manner.

Good luck, thinking of youx

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 07:39

thumb, getting a plumber when normal people are up....
Bail yes, in the past, and he was starting to border on it again, in front of dd.

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Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 07:39

Not letting him in the house, its not safe.

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Thzumbazombiewitch · 29/10/2011 07:41

bail - some people deal with stress by writing about it, and use humour to detract from the awfulness of the situation. I didn't have MN when my ex left me, so I wrote it all down in a diary (FAAAR more self-indulgent) - some of it makes me wryly grin if I read it back now.

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 07:55

Yes Thumb, survived the last dv the same way...could only laugh at the irony and sheer ridiculouseness of it. Someone who has booked a relate appointment, is meant to be terribly upset, but managed to get all the garage keys and tamper with the boiler on the way out....

OP posts:
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 29/10/2011 07:58

Parsley sorry your having a crap time but glad your humour is getting you through x

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 08:02

Thanks all. Humour is part of Me, and at times it has felt like all I had. Can't lose that too. This is horrible, but gettin Me back will be good.

OP posts:
snoopdogg · 29/10/2011 08:08

Mrs Practical here, been lurking and marvelling at your fortitude and humour in the face of....... etc etc

Do the boiler and washing machine have isolator valves? Small junction on the infill pipe, they don't have taps just what looks like a large screw in the middle. It should be running parallel to the floor. This would be the simplest, quickest way to disable to machines. Check if he's turned these off.

snoopdogg · 29/10/2011 08:09

oh, then you just need a screw driver to turn them back on

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 08:13

Err, there was a tap type switch under the combi boiler, at a t junction of pipes. tap was switched so it looked like it was stopping the flow of water. Have risked reversing it and it seems to be ok, but will still get it checked, cos he knows dd is away, and there would only be me in the house if there was a boiler accident....

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 29/10/2011 08:20

Morning Parsley, are you going to be alone when ph comes round?
Would it be advisable to have company?

If there's anything I can do please let me know.
You have been a tower of strength for me and I will gladly return the favour.

LottieJenkins · 29/10/2011 08:27

Parsley I have read the entire thread. I think you have done so well. Ignore the comment from bail, if it helps putting it down here then great!!

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 08:56

Thanks Peeps....After I found the boiler thing, i have got back up. Told him he's not coming in, will call police if nec. Friend coming over early, in case he is trying to catch me out with the time.

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Thzumbazombiewitch · 29/10/2011 10:32

Excellent! Well done, on the boiler thing, the friend coming, the up-ness - fantastic! And definitely call the police - have the number ready to go on your mobile and have it in your hand, just in case. :)

Original poster
ParsleyTheLioness · 29/10/2011 11:16

will do 999 if I have to. This IS a bit dramatic, and idon't have to make it more so. You couldn't make it up. Hopefully, it will quieten down for a bit after today, but I am aware he may be plotting. Just assumed that as he has paid a Relate deposit, he would start those antics later.

OP posts: