Hi everyone,
(Must name change back). Sorry I haven't posted, can't keep up as I would like, real life keeps getting in the way. I guess I just wanted to offer a bit of my story and the fact it doesn't have to be like this.
I joined the bus just over a year ago. At the time I was a daily drinker, I didn't realise, much less accept, that I was a hopeless alcoholic. I tried to cut down. Occasionally it worked for a bit. Change drinks. Ditto. If I wasn't drinking I was thinking about drinking. I was try to hang on to my daughter, my relationship, my job, and most of all, my self-esteem, and they were all crumbling, but I couldn't see it. I started trying to stop on November 20th, 2010, when I phoned AA in desperation.
I wasn't ready to stop, or I still didn't accept my alcoholism, or I needed the crap kicking out of me for a bit longer. Maybe all of the above. I would stop for weeks at a time and then drink with devastating consequences that led to my daughter being taken into care. She saw me drunk 3 times this year. And that was all it took for social services to act.
Whenever I stopped, I still had to live with being me. And it has taken months to develop any sort of liking for myself. The self-hatred, fear, guilt, remorse and shame consumed me, and when I was dry, they consumed me all the more. The drink was the symptom, the problem was far deeper, a problem of thinking and of coping with my feelings. I had to stop drinking to make any progress on me, but when I stopped drinking the feelings became overwhelming.
Fortunately, AA isn't a religious programme. I do have a strong faith, but all I needed was to believe that alcohol was stronger than me, so I had to find something stronger than it. I wasn't a bad, evil person, but my thinking was very sick and I (for whatever reasons) had never learned to accept/like/love myself. How did I ever think I could raise a child hating myself. The one thing I hope is that DD never feels as bad as I have, and yet I was going the one way most likely to make that happen. I was desperate enough to have an open mind, to finally stop lying, to be willing to do what it takes however much I really don't want to.
I've got a long way to go but there's a bit of peace in me today. I am rebuilding friendships and relationships. I am contentedly single but not fearful about that. I didn't get willing overnight, but even the tiniest bit is enough to make a start. I was frightened and couldn't imagine life with or without alcohol. My "market research" was necessary - I needed every drink I ever had to convince me.
Someone asked about physical changes and what people notice. I haven't lost weight because I have taken hungry,angry,lonely,tired to extremes!! But I look far better, my skin is better, not flushed and not dry, my eyes are clear, I wake up clear-headed, I sleep. I can let myself have and do nice things, like baking, sewing, chatting with friends, and genuinely enjoy them. I can look people in the eye and say, "I'm really well, thank you, how are you?".
Enough wittering. It's a good life, I haven't found any disadvantages yet, and it's just there, waiting, for anyone that wants it.