Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

No, emphatically not!!! I meant do want to be free to live your life the way you want to with your dc - and without him?

Or is that you want to have freedom within your relationship - being free to socialise with who you want, being free to choose what chores you'll do when you choose to do them, being free to express yourself without fear of him criticising you or shouting at you or sulking if he doesn't get his own way?

Yes - copies of pms go to whatever email address you've registered with mumsnet.

When will you be able to log in again?

I see
deep down I truly want to be free of him ,life without him

Thats so scary ,because hes all i have known of,love,boundreys

I feel sorry for him

my children deserve to grow up with a dad to guide them

I dont know yet

izzy i carnt pm you then ,i might log in later about 6

When you love yourself, and when you become empowered, you won't have any problem setting your own boundaries - or setting them for the dc.

As it is now, your dc are not benefiting from seeing their df control their dm. What happened to you is happening to them although, of course, they have something that you never had - a loving, caring mother.

Any of your daughters may grow up to pick a man who is just like their df, and your sons may model themselves on their df and seek to control their partners just like he does.

This is how abuse is handed down through generations.

I'll try to write more on your other thread or be online at around 6pm but I have to go out shortly and I'm not sure when I'll be back. However, I'll definitely have written more on your other thread by early tomorrow morning.

I have lived as you did. It's exhausting to read it even as I know the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, the heart in your mouth feeling. You are terrified of him. That is not how normal relationships are. You do know that.

The MrBad vs MrGood link I sent you. All abusers go into phases, circles where they know they have pushed it too far and you may leave. They then HOOVER you back in by being nice.

MrGood doesn't have to do that... he is just OK, nice mostly, with the occasional human blips, which he apologises for and moves on from, making sure that he doesn't repeat them if he knows it upsets you.

MrBad will find ways of doing the stuff to upset you in many different ways, because he KNOWS it hurts and upsets you, because it keeps you busy fighting him and then he controls your thoughts and fears.

My X refused to allow me to consider going to a counsellor, insisting that HE would be my counsellor. Instead of helping though, he'd take anything I'd said and use it to upset and hurt me further.

This man you have is an abuser. He IS a dominator, he IS trying to control you, he is trying to wreck your self confidence, and make you more susceptible to his power.

He will not stop, not even if you ask nicely.

There is literally NOTHING you can do to stop this, lessen it, recover from it, make it go away.

You won't EVER be able to go back to how you think it was way back when, because the person he was then never existed. That person was a mask. Designed to reel you in, trick you and gain power over you.

He's used sex to control you, keeps you PG, trapping you in his life, in your house, kept you financially dependent on him.

I'm so sorry not to be able to tell you that there is a chance he'll change. he won't. not ever.

Hi, i have been reading this thread and wanted to let you know that you are so brave for taking the first step and acknowledging that there is a problem.

The thought of leaving may seem really scary, but think about what will happen if you dont address the problem now. Just take a deep breath and take baby steps to getting control of your life. Contraception is one way, say no once in a while and dont feel guilty or disheartened if he throws a strop. Just walk out of the house and get 5 minutes of fresh air. You are entitled to a life in which you set your own boundaries.

You are definately not alone.

Just wanted to add that my mum was in an abusive and controling relationship with my dad. There were 3 of us aged 2,3 and 5 at the time. It took my eldest sister to say the words 'lets go mum, lets run away'. She packed two black bags full of necessities and jumped in a cab with the three of us. We stayed in a womans refuge for a while, but it was definately the best decision she has ever made. Life was hard but she lived it on her own terms and i cant tell you how much we respect her for it.

You can do it too, because it must take a tough woman to raise 7 kids.

good luck x

The question about the sex, btw: I would have thought with that many children you would have to plan it, unless they already had a strict bedtime and you could be confident they wouldn't just stroll in! This in itself is neither abusive nor strange. Some couples have agreed "date nights" where the children go to bed early and it is very likely to end in sex. That's only if they both want it, though. If he's saying to you he put them to bed early so now you HAVE to get it on even if you're tired, then I'm afraid we're back in abusive territory, or at the very least, thoughtless. A loving partner rates your happiness as more important than getting his end away.

Annie they are in a strick bedtime routine,I always have with them,this is like,we dont have sex when it just happens natrally,he tells me its tonight if that makes sence,got to be quich,hes in x

chummy I dont think Im scared of being on my own with so many kids,Im not sure I need to leave him,

Izzy you online?

Yellow, no your children should not have such man "guiding them". He will only teach them that this kind of relationship is normal. You don't want them to feel and be treated like you are now.

who said pm's get copied to your emails ???

no they do not

sorry to shout, but pm's merely stay in your inbox until you delete them...you can delete them as you send and receive them

someone would have to know your MN username and password to access them

YT you can safely pm people, just be sure to scrub your internet history and make sure he doesn't know your username and password

you could also ask to have your thread removed to off the beaten track so it isn't googlable

reality...can you opt out of email notification of pm's ?

I have had hundreds of pm's and not one email notification

I am not very techie, but seriously, have never had an email notification

I get round-up but I opted in to that

don't get news emails

am honestly confused by this

I don't wanna big meself up as pm queen but I really, really do get lots and never had a "notification"

Like Reality, I'm wondering if it's an automatic set up that you can opt out of (if only you knew what to click on) as I'd prefer to free my email inbox of any 'notifications' other than those that have originated direct from mumsnet.

From the FAQs:

How to see if someone's sent you a private message

If you've been sent a PM, your Inbox icon will develop a fetching little 'You've got mail'-type flag.

You will also receive an email notification that a new PM message is waiting for you. You can choose not to receive email notifications by clicking on 'Settings' (next to the 'New Message' button) and unticking the default option.

So you can turn off email notifications for PMs, OP.

'You will also receive an email notification that a new PM message is waiting for you. You can choose not to receive email notifications by clicking on 'Settings' (next to the 'New Message' button) and unticking the default option.'

I just found that too - now to find 'Settings' and remove the irritating tick.

Why am I not surprised that you were considered to be 'faultless' when you registered, APF? [hgrin]

YellowTang
Just because you have 7 children doesnt mean you cant be free of this abusive man. He treats you like shite, you know it but yet you seem to think he will change. He wont change he will get worse. You need to go to a counsellor, regardless of what he thinks, do you want to be under his lock and key for the rest of your life?

Good luck

hey, am not saying I am speshul or anyfink

but I really have never had an email notification of a pm

I think I have never opted into anything because I am fick