Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

Probably same reason my ex didn't, fear.

I met dp in August,he's been snipped in Oct. We're older though so definitely don't want anymore kids.

Met dp over 3 years ago but did only take 2 months.

Right so - he controls your every move, he doesn't like you seeing friends, he accuses you of lying, he won't respect your wishes regarding not wanting more children (in fact seems to actively want to keep you pregnant - so you are even more 'trapped'), you are scared of him, you jump when he's around, he doesn't help you when you pregnant or support you in any way, ...

When it's set down in black and white Yellowtang do you see he is abusing you?

I was 17 not 14
So this is my issue then I have made him feel like it's what I want, maybe I have just grown up he's been the only stable thing in my life x

In black and White Im seeing him bait different to how I used to and feel things arnt right I shouldn't feel like I do, if I have not done a small job because I havnt had time should I be explaining it as to why? jump up as he walks in the door? No I shouldnt

could you get counselling without him knowing? or would you feel able to insist to him that you have some? If you can get a new GP they might be able to get you some counselling free. I think you should call Womens Aid, they will also advise you on what to do.

Please look for ways to begin to assert your own wishes - perhaps you need to prepare carefully, if you are scared of him he might get abusive if you do this. Can you tell your friend that he is stopping you seeing people by being so difficult? And he is - even if he doesn't outright stop you, he is making it impossible.

He is a controlling bully - you can find a way out of this with support and help

There is more, I'm not comfortable in bed he wants he gets if not he sulks
He turned me against my mum at one point he believed me into thinking see didn't help do anything when she does
I could go on x

I would insist I go to see a cunsellor don't know how he wold react to that,thinking about the violence thing he used to throw his dinner at the wall he's tipped the cooker up ? It all sounds mad and he did hit hi ex??

YellowTang

From what I've read of your earlier life here and it is full of dysfunction to say the least (your Dad was not around and your mother gave you no boundaries or to my mind any actual real care and attention) it is no surprise at all that you've wound up in an abusive controlling situation like you are now:(. You were conditioned to it and to accept it as your lot and saw this man as a way out of your shite existance; this man became your knight in shining armour or so you thought at the time. You were not taught any differently because you never had any proper parental role models.

I would argue that you were deliberately targetted by him at a young age because you were (and remain) vulnerable and without a lot of self worth; an ideal combination therefore for such an abuser to do their evil on. And he has done so to your own detriment now. He is the dominator within your home; what he says goes.

He is patently not a good dad if he acts like this; your children are also being imparting damaging relationship lessons by him.

You love him eh - he does not love you and probably never has. He saw you as prey and conditioned you further. I don't think you actually know what a healthy functioning relationship involving love is because you were never shown it. Your parents and now this man have and continue to abjectly fail you.

All the controlling behaviours your man describes (and I note too he has not married you; this is probably because he does not want to because he simply sees you as his possession to use and abuse) are controlling behaviours and controlling behaviours are abusive ones.

It is him who is at fault here; you are finally beginning to wise up to his control. My guess too is that he learnt controlling behaviours in his own childhood; he is a very damaged individual.

You will need to plan your escape from him with due care as such men do not let go of their victims (I write victims because your children are also being emotionally harmed by him too) easily. You certainly could do with speaking to Womens Aid and also reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

You do not have to remain trapped and there is always a way out.

No this is NOT your fault. Even if he did "think this was what you wanted", it's a pretty shit thing to think someone would want, isn't it? If I asked my partner to start tracking my every move and curtail my freedom, he'd think I'd gone mad. Who would want that?

I don't think you should spend any time trying to work out if he will change. He won't. He hit his ex - I expect he started with low level control like he did here. Throwing things around and pushing things over is also threatened violence, as well. I really think you need to get some help and get out :(

Do you have access to a land line? You could call Women's Aid while he is out, it's free so it won't show up on any bills, it does come up on mobile phone bills though.

Hang on, I didn't say it was your issue! You haven't made him feel anything. But I was trying to see how it might have come about.

Although I suspect the truth of the matter is that he's a controlling bully. Throwing food at the wall? WTF?

Clam I ment I have let him treat me this way,so its not his fault its mine,hes not abusive if I have allowed it.

The throwing his dinner etc all happend at the start of the relationship,all that has calmed down now

My head is spinning wih all this and I feel sick

I wish someone would look after my kids for an hour I just carnt think straight!

I think you should go and see the nice woman gp and tell her some of what you're telling us, she'll be able to put you onto a form of contraception that you won't need to tell your dh about and start getting you some help such as counselling and so forth. Also, talk to Women's Aid. What is happening to you is not normal and not acceptable.

If he coerces, emotionally blackmails you or just ignores you & carries on when you don't want sex, that's actually rape. He doesn't have to beat you for it to be an abusive relationship.

Meerkat is it all really that bad ? it sounds like your talking about someone elses life,not mine,I have made it sound that bad?

You haven't allowed it, he worked on you - he cowed you with early violent outbursts and now you're so used to walking on eggshells, he can control you with a look or a word.

Take it easy, yellowtang (nice name, do you keep fish?) Re-evaluating the last 14 years is hard. Work on it slowly, let it filter through. You don't have to sort everything out in 5 minutes. For the moment it's enough to realise that you are not going mad and things don't have to be this way for ever.

annie thanks I have to get things straight in my head,I feel like Im paniking abit.
yes he keeps fish im looking at them now they look as crazy as I feel going in bloody circles!

How do you feel, OP, when you are expecting him home? Do you feel sick, anxious, panicky? If you do, then, it's a pretty clear indication how bad the effect of his behaviour is on you.

bellsring yes I do ,when his van pulls up my stomace turns ,why I dont know ?

Because he is not kind to you and does not treat you well, I'm sorry to say. It's not your fault.

Can he change? should I talk to him about it ? what should I do,apart from talking to the gp?

Is this having an effect on my children?

This is a really big thing to think about and process. Annie is right, take your time. We'll be here with support for as long as you need and however long it takes.

When you read some of the responses on this thread, it is going to feel like they are talking about a different person, living a different life. It is very hard to link the idea of an "abuser" with your husband, a real life man who you are close to and you love. I'm guessing the kinds of thoughts you are having now and will have are: "But he's not a monster..." "I know he is nice some (or indeed most) of the time, that is the real him, this picture everyone else has is not." "These posters are missing the smaller details... he can't help behaving this way, he has issues (from childhood/previous relationships/it's just the way he is)" "He doesn't realise. He thinks he is doing the right thing/this is how relationships just are. He is doing his best and it would be unfair of me not to acknowledge that" "Leaving is a really big overreaction - I couldn't leave just for this. I want to find ways of changing his behaviour instead." "I know he can be nice... if he was just like that all the time, things would be great."

This is really normal and an important part of processing things. You don't want to be in this situation, but taking a leap out is even more scary, so at the moment you're hanging onto anything which will take you back where you were before, where you didn't even question this, back into denial, if you like. Please forgive those of us who have been exactly where you are right now, but sometimes forget about this part and skip to the next stage where you are able to connect this behaviour. It is only because we are anxious for you to reach it - where you are now is scary, it's like the things you have always held onto to stop yourself going mad, like that this is normal or that you can do things to control or manage his behaviour, are suddenly taken away from you, but you haven't yet got to the stage where you find out how you can regain control. (And you're probably not yet at a stage where you could think about taking that advice either.)

Something you would probably benefit from at the moment is to look at the emotionally abusive relationship support thread. You will find a mixture of women going through the same things as you, to those slightly further on in their journey, to those who have come out the other side. And of course keep posting here as well. Just keep talking. The more you learn the stronger you get.

Do you know how to clear your history and/or use private browsing mode? I think it would be worth doing this. Don't let your DH see this thread.

leaving is a really big overreaction is spot on

I have looked at the thread,been looking for a few weeks, I think thats what made me question why Im not happy? but dont feel its me so didnt want to post in there,I need to find out how to clear history xx

Im thinking now,how do I move 7 kids away from their dad? move 2 close family members out of their home? one is elderly,all because Im not happy?

It is eayser to stay,best for the children to stay,all we have worked for for last 14 years,throw it all away? are things really that bad,thats what Im thinking now oh and I also need a strong drink,this is alot to take in one day.

just looked at the links on the thread bertie and alot of it is me,I think x