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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a normal relationship ??

999 replies

yellowtang · 15/10/2011 09:18

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

OP posts:
badmammajamma · 08/11/2011 23:04

Sweet dreams YT x

Jux · 09/11/2011 00:04

That's really great, YT. You sound so much more relaxed and happy; the difference is wonderful!

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 09/11/2011 04:17

This has been some thread, honey. An internet journal of little more than a few weeks' duration which charts your awakening from the nightmare of living according to the dictates of an abusive misogynistic tyrant and your subsequent quantum leap to freedom.

Incredibly, those who've bullied and oppressed you in real life took it upon themselves to hunt you down on this site. They thought they could shame you, but all they've succeeded in doing is shame themselves.

Had they possessed a modicum of intelligence they would have known that they could have learned more about your state of mind and your intentions by simply playing dumb and staying schtum but, due to their innate stupidity and supreme arrogance, they've blown it.

They've played into your hands and ensured that their game is up. They've even ensured that your solid support here is now rock hard - shot themselves in the foot? More like cut themselves off at the knees. Silly fuckers. Strategists they ain't!!!

Although there'll be no more posts from you that they'll be able to watch in order to discover what they have no business knowing, you'll still enjoy 24/7 internet support and encouragement from the army of mumsnetters who will continue to communicate with you privately.

I know you have a lot planned for the coming weeks and that you'll be transforming some of your t'internet pals into real life mates. I also know that you're going to have a lot of fun living life as it's meant to be lived - with joy and gusto.

This thread will remain in mumsnet history as a testament to your courage and as a beacon of hope and encouragement for other victims of long-term domestic violence and abuse.

Stay strong, yt, and stay free.

catherinea1971 · 09/11/2011 04:28

They are not as clever as they thought, I agree Izzy, the urge to post themselves and try and create doubt in YT's mn supporters minds was too great, but not a clever move by any means....
Also I hope upon reading this thread other mumsnetters in the future always remember to keep themselves safe online, to be aware that abusers will go to any lengths to keep the control in their favour. But that you can be safe and receive help and support both online and in real life.
Way to go Yellow Tang, you are an inspiration, and I have to say it very, dignified in not rising to the bait of your sis in law and her fool of a brother.
Well don hun, you are well on your way to a happy and fulfilled life for you and your children.:):):)

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 09/11/2011 05:16

As I'm sure you know, excessive egotism has led to the downfall of many a dictator, catherinea.

Another one bites the dust Grin

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 09/11/2011 05:23

You, too, have shown immense courage foolonthehill, and I sincerely hope that you'll post your own thread so that you can get the support you deserve firsthand.

sixkids · 09/11/2011 07:52

yt i have lurked from the start but not been on laptop since weekend so just read p34 to p40 this morning,wow ive got tears in my eyes, you have done it! im so very proud of you,we can feel the difference in you,downtrodden to strong happy woman,well done xx

catherinea1971 · 09/11/2011 08:32

Mmmm Izzy, that is probably a good name for YT's FORMER partner, THE DICTATOR!!! And the sis one of his minions......GrinWinkGrin

catherinea1971 · 09/11/2011 08:34

Foolonthehill, I too think you could gain some help and support from a thread of your own as Izzy said. You have been so strong and dignified and are being a amazing example to your children. :):):)

catherinea1971 · 09/11/2011 08:38

Just a thought, this thread is nearing it end, I for one believe it would be fitting for YT to post a farewell message to her thread, note I say to her thread, I in no way mean she is saying farewell.....myself and others will be here to help and support you YT for as long as you need. :):):)

AgathaCrusty · 09/11/2011 10:30

Although I haven't posted very much on this thread, I have read it regularly. I would like to continue to know how YT is doing, so if the there is news, would love a PM if appropriate - I completely understand that YT would probably prefer not to keep posting her business on the 'open' boards, since her deluded SIL and ex are oviously reading the posts.

Very good luck for the future, YT.

Original poster
yellowtang · 09/11/2011 11:21

Catherinea a feawell message ?? I'm not going anywhere in a hurry,the help I found on here has been amazing from so many of you, but I must mention izzy, I know she's lots sleep over this! Thanks izzy

I will read this back one day but not yet, looking at it now the hardest thing I had to was write .. Is this a normal relationship? That was the hardest bit,to question it in the first place
It took alot to do that
What I'm trying to say if your reading this and your not sure ? Then think why your not sure itms
Xx

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 09/11/2011 11:37

2 weeks and 3 days ago 2 women and 13 children started their journey.......to an abuse free life

Wine cheers to you all, esp. to YT whose journey I have shared to the day.

Here's to freedom, love and a future!

catherinea1971 · 09/11/2011 11:40

Good morning Yellowtang, I meant a farewell message to this thread as it will soon be locked.....
It must have been difficult to write, but you have come so far since starting this thread.
YT I believe that some readers may have already questioned their relationships after reading you thread already, your partners abuse was more subtle because it was emotional in the most part, it is more difficult for people on the outside of the relationship to see it for what it is this type of abuse. Threads like this one of yours, other people will recognise some of the problems you encountered in their own relationships, and I would hope seek to resolve their problems too.
Have a very happy and fee day YT:):):)

Original poster
yellowtang · 09/11/2011 11:47

FOTH cheers to you to honey.. thanyou for sharing it with me, we have alot of dc beetween us don't we ?

Catherinea I know what you ment about a fearwell message , I was just saying I'll still be here Hun

Xx

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 09/11/2011 11:56

Cheers to you both Wine wishing you all the very best for the future. Thanks

ToniSoprano · 09/11/2011 12:09

Best of luck YT and all good wishes for yours and dc's future and new life of freedom! Sounds like there's no going back now.... thank goodness!

Jux · 09/11/2011 12:15

YT, fool, Cheers to you both WineBrew whatever your tipple (have realised it may be a little early for wine!).

Hold your heads high. Keep going.

ljgibbs · 09/11/2011 12:39

Good luck YT keep strong.

leaky · 09/11/2011 13:28

That was fantastic fool it brought a lump to my throat & tears to my eyes.

I don't "know" you or Yellow but feel so proud of you both Smile

Like you said to freedom, love & a future Wine Wine Go Girls Grin

PinkPoncho · 09/11/2011 14:24

Hi there all the best for you...so glad you didn't have him back in that evening I was worried! I really hope it all goes well for you.

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 09/11/2011 15:25

He certainly sounds like Adenoid Hynkel, Charlie Chaplin's meglomaniac Great Dictator but minus the charisma catherinerea Grin

However, as with others of his ilk, yt's former dictator is a merely a sick and twisted individual who gets his rocks off by deluding himself that he has the power to ensure that his women and his dc live only to do his bidding and satisfy his every need.

He'll never change, but yt has laid the foundation stone of a new life for herself and her dc and I have no doubt that, in time, she will meet a well-balanced, kind, and considerate man who will value and treasure her and treat her with the love and respect that she deserves.

I am pleased to announce that part 2 of yt's journal has now opened at a venue not too far removed from mumsnet. Invitations have been sent out but, unregrettably, 'the truthhurtsok', La Bonkers, and yet another alter ego - royalty, no less, in the form of a 'princess' - have been excluded from the guest list.

See ya all there, folks, Wine and Brew will be flowing as per usual and the party will continue sans the recent Z-listers who attempted to gatecrash this thread.

BertieBotts · 09/11/2011 15:26

Threads get locked after 1000 posts :) Someone will need to start a new one.

catherinea1971 · 09/11/2011 15:37

See you in your new place YT. x

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