Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

How many people live in your house? You have 7 children PLUS two other family members. Who looks after everyone?

Clam there is 9 of us in a 4 bed house, the two family members live in another house that we own,and its close to us,

I look after the home and children,oh goes to work

the two family members dont live with us,but if I leave oh they would have to come out the house,so its adds up to more preasure on me if I leave oh theres alot of other people that will be effected x

You need to speak to someone in rl op
Could you go back to that lovely gp and talk to her about contraception for a start and there is absolutely no reason to tell your h.
Then could you phone Womens Aid. They would be able to put you intouch with a good counsellor to help you sort your thoughts through where you'd be able to do something practical to help yourself.

Mamas12 I just want to sort it out now and I know I carnt, I will go and see the gp yes I hope she understands ,this is all so confusing x

OK so you say you need an hours peace today, who can you ring to take some of the children, parcel them out for teatime at various friends family houses if you can.
Think about getting back in contact with your mum, she would most probably love it and would be with you as soon as, if you say you need her. She may know what he's like more than you think. You know what to say, whether to apologise over something or just lack of contact.
Can you ring her now?
Could you go to hers tonight ?

Please don't feel guilty about the tenants whether family or not. You have your life and your dcs life to think about. And this isn't good for you or them. What are they going to be like when they meet people? Do you have dds? What sort of man will they think is right?

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I helped a friend get away from a very controlling man and her dcs are ok. Well one doesn't speak to her or exdh but still he seems happy. Non of the dcs speak to the ex though but he wasn't a good dad. Not saying you should leave am just saying you deserve to live not just exist.

Take it one step at a time. It took me 2 years to leave exdh. Totally different circumstances but still it does/can take time.

Sorry again didn't mean you should leave. I just mean to sort it out. You may end up happy again.

Are the 2 in the other house paying any kind of rent? And how long have they been there? Even a nominal amount would give them rights as tenants, and I think actually even if they're not, they might have some. I don't think it would be as simple as you split up, he gets to tell them to fuck off.

He'd very likely have to go through the courts to evict them formally, which OK sounds awful, but it's not immediate out on your ear - and it would make him look bad/vindictive to people around (especially if they're elderly) which he may wish to avoid. It'd be worth checking with CAB or someone to see what rights they might have.

Good point buzz

no, not "all because I'm not happy"

Because you and your children need to get away from a man who is causing severe harm to you all through his abuse.

This is deeply unsettling. OP please speak to your GP as soon as possible about birth control and then start to get yourself sorted so that you can leave.

Ratehr random question but does he use religion to control you?

Like a dog with a bone here , even if your 2 people were squatters, which would mean they didn't have his permission to stay there, he couldn't just kick them out, he'd have to apply for possession through the courts.

As they have his permission to be there and have been living there for however long, he'd definitely not be able to just boot them out. He could tell them anything he liked, but he wouldn't be legally able to get them out without due process and being able to prove that he needed the property. If they're paying rent, their rights would be even greater.

I'm assuming you're not married, btw, but if I'm wrong and you are, you'd be entitled to a proportion of the assets, including any property - and would have your views taken into account about how any of it was used or disposed of.

I am going to ring gp in the morning,

No there is no religion

The family pay rent yes,family rates x

Brilliant about deciding to get an appt with the gp.

And don't worry unduly about the tenants then, they have legal rights, he can't just do as he pleases.

ok its sunday tommorow,lets try monday to ring gp!

That's good, i just wanted to make sure that you wouldn't be ostracised by your church etc. Good luck with your GP, you are making the right moves.

To clear your history, there should be an option under "Tools" or "Options" menu. You might have to press "Alt" fot the menus to show up. Do you know what browser you are using? The private (sometimes called "incognito") browsing option is usually on this menu as well.

If you use private browsing then you won't have to clear your history. Also, it looks less suspicious as if you clear your history, you clear everything - it looks like you haven't been online at all. So he may notice you have cleared it, if he looks at these things. He might not look at all - but just to be safe :) If he did look and see nothing, just say you were shopping for kids christmas presents and cleared it in case they found the history by mistake.

YellowTang

Re your earlier comment to me I would have to respond that yes, it really is all that bad.

Re your comment:-
"It is eayser to stay,best for the children to stay,all we have worked for for last 14 years,throw it all away? are things really that bad,thats what Im thinking now oh and I also need a strong drink,this is alot to take in one day".

No it is not easier or better to stay for the children; that rarely if ever works out at all well. By staying you are also teaching your children that such abuse is acceptable to you; its what they pick up on. This is no legacy to leave your children.

You are all being emotionally abused by this man; he has worked on you systematically over the years to get you to such a point that he can control every aspect of your life down to your fertility. Was it his idea btw to have so many children?. You have not thrown it all away; he has by his very actions towards you. Do not use drink to blot this out.

It is a lot to take in as BertieBotts rightly says but you really do need to get out of this abusive relationship before he completely destroys you and takes your children down with him.

I still think you were targetted by him when you were very young and naive; your parents utterly failed you when young and you had no decent parental role models. That also left you more vulnerable to the attentions of such preditors:(.

Can he change - NO
Should I talk to him about it - No because he won't listen and just project.

Do talk to the GP and start talking to Womens Aid as well.

Keep us posted; you will receive support here.

thanks bertie

I feel like Im dipping my head in and out of the sand tonight ! if that makes sence,I keep reading my op to see if I put something wrong,made it worse than it really is,or something ,but its how it is,I really dont see how hes abusing the kids?

My role modals where my grandad and grandma,they did loads for me,but at age 14 I was just let go to do as I pleased,clubbing,syaying over at mens houses until silly hrs in the morning.

This is so very hard x

He doesn't use anything because it suits him that you have so many children - he thinks that this is his way of trapping you, he thinks he can do what he likes because you wont leave because of the kids.

Reading your story reminds me so much of what my ex is like - hence the reason he's my ex.

This is abusing the kids as much as it is abusing you. This is setting them up for a life like yours, but worse in that they will never know normal.

A single child living in an environment where his mother is abused is deemed as being directly abused. You have 7. SEVEN little lives being blighted by this bully. Seven people that could grow up and have 7 equally abusive relationships. Or perhaps even WORSE, you think of that? more than 2 women a week are killed by DV.

Literally the sooner they can get away from this environment, the sooner they can start to build the defences to protect themselves from falling into the same misery that you are in.

Please keep posting, please call WA for someone to speak to, please open up and talk to your GP, your HV, everyone. They can and will help you. they will believe you.

This is something YOU have to do, you have to get your kids out of this. It may not be today, tomorrow or very soon, but it has to happen.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf

Which page is your bloke on OP?

He's not directly abusing the children, no, not in the same way as he is being abusive to you, but the fact they are witnessing this behaviour - you mentioned that you ask his permission for them to go out in front of him - they are absorbing all of this as "what happens in relationships" - long term, if you stay in this situation your daughters are almost certain to end up in relationships like this, and your sons are going to think that the way their dad speaks to you and treats you is an okay way to treat their future girlfriends and wives. Oh and please stop beating yourself up for your behaviour at 14, that has nothing to do with your situation now, there are so many of us here who are survivors from abusive relationships and we are from all sorts of different backgrounds and had all sorts of teenage experiences.

Keep on dipping in and out. Just keep at least one ear out :) Keep reading, absorbing, learning. Ask questions. Don't worry about making him look bad. You will probably find it hard to accept how bad his behaviour is right now because you're dealing with it - it's easier to judge as an outsider. (Or with hindsight.) You will see very soon that he is following a script, almost. Many abusers (and forgive me for using the term "abuser" as I can see you're finding that hard to attach to your DP at the moment - but those of us on the other side recognise this script and his behaviour patterns) will follow similar tracks of thinking, similar ways of being, the similarities are quite striking and at first will probably freak you out when you come across them, but actually reading about these kinds of things gives you back some power because you will start to recognise what he is doing is the same as these other men people have experienced.

If you are finding the thought of leaving with seven children overwhelming, there might be other options, such as forcing him to leave the family home, but don't think about that yet if it's clouding your immediate view. For now concentrate on what is happening immediately, and just keep in mind that there is hope, there are options, real, achievable options, you don't have to look into them just yet, but when you are ready they will be there and we will help you to find out what those options are.

Hi thankyou for the last few posts,I keep reading them over,last night didnt go to well,Im not to good at hiding things from him and hes picked up on it last night,he seems to so tuned in to me,he knew somethings not the same,I blamed it on the childhood memory in my other post,so today hes taken the kids out so I can some thinking time but last night he said I need to get off the laptop because its not helping and we arnt talking because Im on it,he also said I need to deal with the childhood memory so I said I am going to gp to ask for counseling,he thinks I should be able to talk to him.

I keep thinking what if Im wrong about him? but I can see now that our relationship isnt healthy or is it anywhere near equal,I am also questioning him in my head when he says things,and I saw last night that he trys to confuse me,I dont know how he does it but he talks in riddles,and in the end I carnt remember how we got there or what I said to start with?

so things arnt right all and I think he knows Im acting different,he was a bit cold with me this morning.

My mum lives close to use,close enough to just pop in and out a cupple of times a day,we arnt close me and my mum but we see each other each day,she thinks most of the time hes great,the only thing she has said to me is she doesnt like the way he is with me when Im pregnant,she said he should be more protective,but he is the oposit,I always though something always HAPPENS when Im pregnant like a situation/strees but I think hes makes it happen,my mum also thinks hes not good with money and she says he always leaves us short,which is true.So I saw my mum this morning and I mentioned to her that my dd2 was on fb and had seen a picture of my dad,we showed her and it upset her a bit,then I asked about her bf the one in my other post,she said he didnt like her to go out,see friends,and he got them into alot of debt without telling her ,they nearly lost the house,he was bancrupt and didnt tell her,so I said he was controlling? and she said yes,sorry this is long and my two post are coming together as one,I asked was he nasty and she said no,no ? my mum hasnt had another relationship after this one,along time eh?.Afew weeks ago this is hard to explaine but we had a bit of a fall out and he was talking to my mum,talking for me if you like telling my mum what she should be doing and tbh I thought for a few second he sounds like hes talking to me,I said to him you carnt tell my mum what to do? but he was trying to control her in a way and I could see that.

I dont know where this is all going but if yours still reading thankyou xx