Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

scaryness he fits into more than one? thankyou for the link xx

I have just read the abusive relationship thread and I can see whats coming, my mum carnt see why my relationships not healthy because she doesnt know what healthy is right ? so she carnt see it?

How did I let thing get like this? hes built his castle around me and i HAVE let him,so many children,making the house to suit us,moving family in so close,so I dont feel like I can leave him? I feel so TRAPED I want to screem

I know several people with larger families who have managed fine as single parents.
If the thought of coping on your own is worrying you, have a look here and see that it is possible. They would also support you fully, giving you any info you may need. (something to come back to maybe)

Who just turned on the light? this is so so scary,I thought for years we where so close,he told me we "broke the mold" with my family and his because we stayed together in a loving relationship and bought the kids up together.
My kids are really well behaved and to say there are 7 of them they are very good,they dont respect me ,they respect him because he tells them to listen to me if that makes sence he tells them to listen to me

Im sorry for geting this all out but I feel like im going to burst and lots of things coming into my head,the cars in his name he wouldnt put it into my name,its my car.xx

Are you married?

no

YellowTang, I am so sorry to read about your unhappiness. I cannot be very objective because I have heard only your side of the story.

But I do think that before you start thinking of leaving, maybe you should make an effort to salvage your existing relationship. Sometimes, it just works!

Firstly, I think you need to be learn to be more assertive, whichever way you want to go. Can you start being more vocal about your needs and wants?

Just see how he reacts to this. Do it gently. Tell him that lately you have been feeling unhappy and worn out. Suggest activities that might make you happy. Suggest relationship counselling in the longer run.

If he is willing to go that extra mile for you, maybe there is hope. If he lashes out at you, uses your unhappiness against you, you know you will need an exit strategy. And you will find a lot of support and answers here.

Honey, you're right about your mum. You were 17. You couldn't see beyond the fact that that he seemed to care about you - and maybe that was the first time in your life that you felt someone cared for you.

I'm going to go back to your earlier thread later today but, before I do so, can you tell me whether your 'awakening' (and, yes, isn't the light bright?) has occurred since you saw those photos, or did you have some of these thoughts about your relationship before you saw them?

Also, how old was he when you met him?

Is the property solely in his name also? I have a nasty feeling that nothing is in your sole name or even joint names.

I didn't think you were married; he has never thought enough of you to make you his wife. Also he knows that once married you as a woman would have far more rights in legal terms. He's told you BS throughout yuor time together.

I maintain that the adults like your birth mother and dad let you down abjectly and the absense of a stable homelife contributed to you falling into the clutches of such a controlling man. It is NOT your fault that this happened to you; they did that to you.

Abuse of this type is primarily about power and control. Abusers are often very plausible to those in the outside world but it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges as you have seen and are now seeing.

Talk to your GP and Womens Aid; they can and will help you. You need to get away from him ultimately because he will destroy you completely if you do not. He is also more than happy to drag the children down with him.

searchsquad

That how I was when I met him, I was assertive and confidant,I think it gets to the point where you stop voicing your opinion,because its easyer,stop going out with friends because of the long talks,being accused of sleepimg with people when you have only been to asda,and have no idea why he would think like that.

I would like my life back,me back to be able to go/speak to/see/who I want/sleep when I want to/sex when I want to/go out/with friends/when I want to/clean the house when I want to ect ect

He admits hes scared of me leaving him,hes always said that.

someone up post said it will not work ,he will not change,maybe he will I dont know,maybe counselling will help me that x

Search

This cannot be salvaged; YellowTang's partner is clearly abusive. YellowTang needs an escape plan and to take her time about leaving this person as such abusers do not let go of their victims easily.

He seems to be already aware that something re YT is amiss so she needs to be careful.

Salvaging such a relationship would be bad news for YT as she would have to give up even more of her life to satisfy his controlling demands. These men do not change and if YT was to think back, she would probably see that she was conditioned by him to accept his level of controlling from the time she was unfortunate enough to meet him.

"He admits hes scared of me leaving him,hes always said that"

Not surprised to read that; such paranoia is often evident in such controlling men. But its still abuse no two ways about it.

You are in an abusive relationship; controlling relationships are abusive relationships.

Izzy I was 17 when I met him,18 just when ds1 was born
I didnt think anything was wrong at all before I saw the pictures ,I thought thing were fine,but I did feel unhappy but had no idea why,couldnt put my finger on what was wrong.

Meerkat the mortgage is in joint names ,well I think It is,he asked me to sign something once to take my name off the mortgabe because my poor credit rating,we wanted to re mortage,but I dont think it did we didnt re mortgage and I didnt get a letter from them.All stuffs in his name.

Dont' be so hard on yourself. You are blaming yourself and wondering how you didn't see it happening - it's not your fault. None of the people in abusive relationships saw it happening, otherwise they (or I should say us) would have left way earlier. They are clever, it starts with such tiny little things..and more little things..and before you know you are this scared little mouse who cannot do anything right and believe he would not get so upset and angry if you didn't upset him constantly.

it's not your fault. But you can get your life back.

Can I ask a question,its been bugging me ,in bed is it normal to Plan sex,like say I want sex tonight and then plan it by putting all the kids to bed so they are settled down etc,I was thinking its not ment to happen like this is it,dont you just u know when your in the mood at the time? i am so sorry for asking this but Im questioning everything about him xx

YellowTang, you know your situation better. And if you have evaluated the situation and made a decision, more power to you.

There are brilliant threads here for women in abusive relationships and excellent advice to be found on divorce.

Oops not divorce in your case, but please be on top of your joint finances.

Find out as much as you can about bank accounts, investments, legal deeds, property papers, make copies etc. before you even give him a hint that you may want a seperation.

Honey, when you saw that face in the photos you realised that, although the features were very different, you were looking at him - the man who makes your stomach churn when his van pulls up, the man who's made you believe that you have to explain that you haven't had time to do a small job, the man you always jump up for as he walks in the door...

Of course he doesn't want you to see a counsellor because his insecurities mean that he seeks to control every aspect of your life and he can't bear the thought of not knowing what you may be saying and talking about with an outsider - and a professional 'outsider' at that.

It may surprise you to know that IMO if you truly love him, and if he truly loves you, it may be possible to reshape your relationship into one that more closely approximates to a caring, sharing, union rather than that of an opppressor and their oppressed subject.

It won't be done overnight and it will require considerable effort and determination but, if the will to change is there, you may both be able to learn and grow from the experience.

However, I suspect that you are beginning to feel that you have outgrown him and that you want something more for yourself and for your dc.

How many years older than you is he?

Hes 9 years older Izzy, so it could work maybe?

I want to be free but that comes second and my children come first ,if it can work then for them I will stay,but I dont know

hes on his way back now and Im doing the usual,making sure all jobs are done ect,already planning the answers to his questions,I know what hes going to say before hes even walked in.

not looking forward to him coming home x

What does 'free' mean to you? Free of him, free of his tyranny, free to express yourself with fear of criticism, free to socialise outside of the house, free to do as you please when you please (albeit with the needs of 7 children to meet)?

Honey you can pm me anytime and I'm going to take some of what I've written here back to your earlier thread where you'll be able to read it tomorrow when he's at work.

In the meantime, try not to talk to him anymore about the photos/your early childhood - tell him you've decided to let it rest for now as nothing is coming to you.

sorry izzy I dont understand,do you mean I carnt be free of him because I have 7 children ?

Thankyou Izzy,if I you pm me does it come up on my emails do you know?