Is this a normal relationship ??

[yellowtang]

I feel very confused atm so sorry in advance if this is all a bit muddled

I am very unhappy but not sure why,I have been with my oh for 14 years and we have 7 children,I feel so traped its crazy,I dont go out anywhere just food shopping,I run the home as you do,but somethings not right,I dont feel like I am me anymore,I dont really feel much anymore at all,I do everything to please my children and oh which I know is part of being a mum etc but I do and act like oh wants me to,I dont go out because Ill miss a job and hell moan,I dont see my friends because he will moan,he wont let me on fb,he doesnt like me to wear make up/perfume,I think the person I am today is who he wants me to be and not who I was/am.

We have always been close,from day 1 so I thought I didnt need friends because I had him,
Another thing I noticed is he says one thing and does another,last week I text my best friend from school,and said we would meet for coffee,it took me 3 days to tell him I was meeting her ,because I knew what his reaction would be,then he thought I was hiding it from him,I only met her because I told my hv I was unhappy and she said why not make contact with her again,when I told him he said I dont mind you going,but he moaned for a good 2 hrs about it?

He says he doesnt want anymore children but then he doesnt use anything,sorry tmi but withdraral,but he forgets? so hes doing the oposit of what hes telling me,I was pregnant withing 4 weeks of meeting him but he knew I wasnt on the pill but told my mum I told him I was on the pill?

If we have spare money,not bill money it always goes his way,he doesnt spend it on himself but he will spend the lot.

He is a good dad takes them to football and swimming etc,he will pick up the shopping,he will put them to bed,takes them out with him,but we dont go out as a family much,we have spent many years doing up our home and it lovely he spend all his wadges on the house,and will leave himself with nothing for the week.

I dont really know why I am putting all this here but I am so unhappy Im not sure what to do,I posted something else on here this week anout my childhood,and hes been great about it,talking to me each night but he doesnt want me to see a counsellor.

He went to bed early last night and I wasnt tired,he said oh its ok if you stay up,as he went up he said Ill wait for you,so I just go up to please him,what I really wanted to do was turn the tv over and stay on the sofa for another hour,He would of said,why dont you want to go to bed at the same time?

Another strange thing Im scared of him, hes not ever hit me but Im scared if I dont please him,he will moan,shout or I dont know,he makes me jump,sounds stupid but not sure why.

I also get anoying comments from him,I phoned him by mistake the other day,he said why who are you ment to be phoning,but its the way he says it,sorry for the rushed/rambled post but Im banging my head here again

buzz

repost your message in bold

you have it, I think

Even with a supportive partner, 7 children is a very large family. You need to gradually start taking control of your life. You need contraception or sterilisation. That's a start.

Lisa it is simply not as easy at you suggest for the OP and, if you read her posts you will see that she was 17 when she met him and she has very little experience of .positive relationships. In fact, she's only recently begun to question her union with what is, undoubtedly, a deeply insecure, abusive, controlling man.

He's set her up in a prison where he virtually controls her life and where she only goes out with his consent. He doesn't want her to go to a counsellor and, as we don't know what his reaction will be if she insists, the OP is best advised to assert herself slowly and to gather as much knowledge as she needs to empower herself and break free of his control.

This won't be a quick process but, even if she were referred for counselling tomorrow, the OP would face a considerable wait before her first session.

You can turn the email notifications of PMs? I'd never know I'd got one!

Hardly In One's Face is it the little red envelope....

if anyone is still interested in the pm thingy, I started a thread in site stuff

the explanation is in there

Thankyou for the help with the pm,Things have not been good, he knows somethings wrong,Ill log on in the morning if he goes to work x

Honey, use 'the photo' as you'r 'get out' card. Tell him you're upset about it but that everytime you talk about it, you feel that you're the memories further away.

Tell him he needs to be patient with you; that this is something that you have to work out on your own and that you need time to be able to do this.

Have you managed to book an apointment with a family planning clinic?

If you can't have the pill, get a coil fitted because he'll try to get you pregnant again and, as you've said, he create stress or a drama during your pregnancy so that he's getting attention - not you.

Izzy thats what I told him last night but he doesnt believe me,he says he knows hes loesing me and he said I dont love him any more,going to gp in morning xx

got to go xx

I'm writing in a rush! I mean for you to use 'the photos' any which way you can to get yourself some time/space so that you can think through the bigger issues about the fact that you're in a prison that is as much of your own making as his.

You didn't set out to be his prisoner but slowly you allowed him to erode your inner confidence and crush your spirit.

The reason you allowed this to happen is that you had a dysfunctional childhood which left you emotionally needy.

Subconsciously, you saw him as being the loving, caring, 'parent' you'd always wanted. You saw the restrictive boundaries he set as a safe place to be. But you're not a child any longer - you're a fully grown adult woman, mother to 7 children (and you haven't achieved that without being a strong woman!), and you're entitled to have your own views and opinions - and to have them respected by others including him.

Use 'the photos' to stay up for an hour after he's gone to bed; use them to not always do the jobs/chores that can easily wait for another day or another week but which he expects you to do immediately, use them to give you private time to think.

The last post is so true its mad,how could I have been so stupid?he has calmed down now,and says he feels better,I feel sick in the bottom of my stomace.
He will not go to bed without me tonight Izzy,hes watching my every move and hes "planned it", he is at work tommorow so I should get a little time.
He took the day off work today,because he can sence something.

Please staysafe, I don't want to scare you, but the time they realise you are going caqn be the most dangerous.

It also shows you exactly how vital it is that you getout.

herscaryness I am scared/was last night I went to bed with my phone x thanks

if you need to get out, don't think twice, grab the kids, grab what you can and go to the police.

If you can get an emergency bag together, it might be a good idea, hoping you will never need to use it, but just in case.

yellowtang - I've just read your thread and really feel for you.

The other posters on here are right, you are an abusive relationship, he will not change, counselling is not an option as a couple, and you DO need to leave.

Your dcs are witnessing an unequal, controlling, abusive relationship. They are growing up to see that women have no power, their opinion doesn't count, that they are less entitled to their own money and social life and professional life, and they will be picking up on how you are living your life walking on eggshells.

They are also right that this is a dangerous time for you. Try to continue on a normal front, reassure him you still love him and that it's this other issue spinning you and making you pre-occupied.

If you can pack an emergency bag and be certain he won't find it then do so, but don't worry if you cant (you can always request a police escort back to the house for things if you need to). Do you have a friend who could store photocopies of items such as birth certificates, bank statements, passports, etc?

Why not open a new email account yellowtang? Be sure to delete the email account website from your browsing history but this may be a good way of you accessing support without him detecting it.

Is there any chance that he might have read this thread?

clam,I think I would know if he had read this,he go nuts,he doesnt like me going on the laptop.

Well I spoke to him yestaday and told him I wasnt happy and I wanted more of an equal relationship,I told him how controlling hes been and that I need to be happy,he listened to me and said he can see what hes done but didnt know he was doing it,and didnt know how unhappy he was making me,he said he will try the change things and he wants me to pull him up he slips up,he has gone very quiet and hes not eating,he said he wouldnt want to be here if I left him,but I said I carnt live the rest of my life being unhappy so its now up to him? but I have to learn to change the way I think,which may be hard.

I have to give him a chance,

I have seen the gp,she gave me the pill yippiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!,just hope its not to late,monday I was due.
I asked her about councelling for me for when I was little and she said I should go back to her on friday and talk to her,maybe she booked a longer app, she could see I was upset but Im not sure what to say to her,its still in front of my mind,most of the time,I can remember a time in the house when there was a handrail behind me,on a landing and the spindals (bad spelling) where painted in white,I was leaning with my back on them and I was unhappy and scared ,I think there was a door in front of me,and I can remember my head was hurting,each time I try and think about it I keep being pulled into thoughts of now.

So Ill see how oh is from now on,I hope for the children he is prepared to work at this,when we talked about him I could see how unhappy he was when he was little,he didnt have a good childhood,so maybe he has to learn how to be in a normal relationship, x

Him not eating and being withdrawn is manipulative/emotional blackmail... He doesn't get to do that if he's making an effort to change.

Neither can he change his ways just by saying he will and putting the reponsibility on you all the time, to pull him up on what he does wrong. You've told him what he does. It's on him to stop doing it.

Suggestions:
Ask him to go to a counsellor or therapist about his controlling behaviour to really show he wants to change things. If he won't do, you know he's just saying what you want to hear for now, until you shut up about it again. It's not enough for him to say he will, he needs to make and attend the appointments.

Also, he could do something to make you secure financially, such as putting you on the house deeds, so that he knows you stay because you want to, not because you have to.

Are you on the 'living with emotional abuse' thread at all? If not, there's no 5 up and running, you should get good support there.

No buzz Im not,thanks,I have been reading it but theres a ...but,not sure what it is,but I do read it.

Just been thinking back and we have had a few talks like this before but no so deep or I havnt known as much info as I do now,I think I will put a x on the calender so I can remember the day we "talked" because I have a feeling that things may blend in again??

Not sure if that's you, not sure that that's him? (re the thread?)

Good idea about marking the day.

What is he willing to actually do about what you've said (other than stop eating and look sad)?

Hhmm I can see what your saying,

Im going to do more what I want to,and see how he is, thing is I dont think hes going to change,although he did listen to but like you say will he do anything about it?

Im kinda feeling we have been down this road before
and Im sure he would know if he was making me unhappy ? I would know if I was speaking to someone like shit.

this is so bloody hard x

he listened to me and said he can see what hes done but didnt know he was doing iT
Yep, they ALL say that while they think you are dumb enough to fall for it. It's page one of the script, right under "DENY, DENY DENY EVERYTHING, She'll soon fall back into line."

He didnt know how unhappy he was making me
Bollocks, if YOU had kicked off at him every time he wanted to see his friends, if you told him when and where he can drink, if YOU talked to him like he was something you stepped in, in front of a medical professional, exactly HOW unhappy do you think HE'D be?

He said he will try to change things
TRY? Buggery BOLLOCKS! A genuine person will move heaven and EARTH to ensure they will never, EVER repeat events that mean that their partner wants to call time on the relationship. Again TRYING is on page 2 of the script,

He wants me to pull him up he slips up
Oh yeah right! not only making it YOUR responsibility to attempt police him, removing ALL onus on HIM to step up his game or LOSE HIS PARTNER, he can also use this to have a go at YOU for nagging him.... He may even sling in the 'Well I never PROMISED I'd be better, I only said I'll TRY....

he has gone very quiet and hes not eating
NASTY, evil guilt making, manipulation and emotional blackmail. This is designed to make you back of, so you WON'T hold him to his promises, and are deterred EVER from doing 'This' to him again. (this being politely asking for your equality in a relationship, nothing more)

he said he wouldn't want to be here if I left him
See above, ditto, more emotional blackmail, emotional threatening behaviour, alluding to suicide.

but I said I carnt live the rest of my life being unhappy so its now up to him?
but I have to learn to change the way I think,which may be hard -Who said this? who says you have to change the way you think?

You have to accept all the above, all his treatment, or do you realise that now you have realised that he is not treating you as best he can (or as a normal bloke would treat someone they love and respect) that you can't put this genie back in the bottle.

Even if this situation stayed the same, that is the best you can hope for, that it never gets any worse than it is up until now. BUT IT WILL GET WORSE, it has no chance of ever getting any better until he either has a personality transplant or does you the best favour in the world and leaves you alone in the house to bring up your children, and start to regain your family's respect of you, start to undo all the damage this man has done to you and to the children.

Stop wasting your life with him. Stop allowing your DC to be abused in this relationship.

He won't change. He doesn't see why he should. This is ALL about HIM.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, I beg you. It'll help you understand how this is not any of your fault, never was, never will be. It'll also show you that it's pointless, futile in continuing this relationship.

The sooner you come to this realisation, that he will only get worse, and that he's NOT a good partner, that he's NOT a good dad as a result of it, then you can start to heal.

I'm sorry. I know it's a lot to take in.

Herscaryness I wanted to reply to your last post but I dont know what to say,I think deep deep down I know your right,is that where your name came from? because it is very?

Ill have a look at that thanks,funny you say ALL about him,it is,it has been from day one,why would you tell your gf when we meet things like,Im a really giving person,all I do is give to everybody else,over and over again,because if you are a giving person you dont need to say it x