SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

Dusty, do you know what texts your daughter saw? This might help you to help her, even though I know the information is going to be painful. Did she also see other things stored on the phone, but hasn't told you?

Has your husband started seeing his own counsellor then? I'd think that was far more urgent than couples counselling tbh. You seem to have diagnosed a cause and effect between your relationship and his affair. Is he saying he wouldn't have had an affair if your relationship had been better, or is this just what you believe?

Hi Dusty,
I've just read through all your posts on this thread ? not enough time to read the whole thread ? and you strike me as a strong woman with her head on her shoulders, despite the intense and extreme feelings you're obviously going through. Keep strong, good luck and good luck to all of your family. I hope things turn out well for you. xx

Thanks for all the support. Not a good day today. Feeling sad + angry :(

Not sure exactly what she read Charbon but fortunately only a few messages as he'd only had that phone a day. No photos. She is reluctant to discuss it with me but from the little she's said the messages could fit in with his story that they had broken up after his boss confronted him. I'll ask my sister to try + dig a little deeper. Dd is more likely to tell her than me if there was anything else as she.doesnt want to hurt me.

We both have an appt to see the counsellor my sis + bil recommended. It might well end up that h sees this counsellor for individual therapy + we have couples counselling elsewhere. We have an appt on mon so Ill see how it goes. We'll probably try relate too + then go with whatever seems to work best.

He's not.said explicitly that he wouldnt have had an affair if our relationship hadnt been under so much stress but he implied it when we first spoke about what had happened. Id like to believe it as it would give me hope for a more positive outcome for us but I just dont know. All our friends + family think she was nothing special to him really + that he's just a sad old cliche of a 40 something male screwing his secretary. Trouble is if she really could have been any attractive + willing female available at that time why did it go on for so long?
Having a really hard time with the length of time :(

This may or may not help you with your last question, Dusty - but it doesn't put your DH in a very mature light! Years ago I worked in a job where there were lots of young people, late teens and early twenties, and it was a hotbed of hormones! One girl was very keen on one lad, he less so. But she used to go to his house and pretty much throw herself at him, he found it hard to say no, so didn't. They were sort of going out together - but he didn't really want to, just didn't really know how to say no. He tried to break it off a couple of times but she would go and cry at him and offer him sex, so he'd give in. This went on for well over a year, possibly two - he was just weak-willed in the face of sex-on-a-plate and he saw her every day at work, so it was hard to escape. Eventually he was really quite nasty to her in order to make her understand he really didn't want to be with her - any kindness on his part was misinterpreted (she was seriously infatuated!) and the sorry cycle would begin again. It made life quite exhausting for the rest of us, who were friends with both of them - I have many vivid memories of "scenes", both at work and out socialising! Eventually he got another girlfriend and it stopped - but the fallout remained.

So - just trying to show that if it's there offered on a plate, he may have just been pathetically weak about refusing. Hope that helps a bit?

It does a bit thanks thzumba. Nothing about this sorry mess puts him in a good light anyway. Whether it was just sex that he was too weak to resist or whether it was/is some great love affair. Either way he owed it to me not to let it happen.

Not having a good night :( Lots of anger towards him and I can't sleep properly. Been thinking back over our marriage + realising how very selfish he's often been. I knew he was selfish + arrogant when I married him but I always felt that he put me first when it mattered. Not sure when that changed. Ive spent the last 16 years making allowances for him both to others and to myself. Ultimately though he's a selfish arse of a man who put himself first for much of our marriage + pretty much everyday of it for the last two years and I realise now that this has contributed to my low self worth and depression.

Hi Dusty. I know this is your private space to work out your feelings and you may not want people from your RL on here, but am awake early and your name appeared in the middle of active conversations and I couldn't not post.

So very very sorry at how you are feeling. I know it is incredibly painful for you but I think your anger to him that is coming out now is very healthy and absolutely needs to come out, however painful.

Really glad you've got counselling booked. Will you be having some on your own ? I think you would benefit from some sessions to work things out in your mind away from H. You have put up with a lot from him over the years and I think you need a safe place to talk about what you are feeling and what you will feel as time goes on. I'll repeat to you what I said when you first told me, any decision you make now is just that, for now. I very much hope this can be worked out for you both but please don't think of this in terms of him deciding you are the love of his life and coming back, but also in terms of you deciding whether he is the love of your life 16 years down the line in the context what he has done to you the last couple of years and what he did twice to his ex wife. Please allow for the fact you might change your mind about wanting him back.

This isn't me saying I think you shouldn't take him back. Nothing would make me happier to see you all back together and happy and the huge amount of pain you are experiencing now to be gone. But I'd hate for him to come back, all be fine and then for him to do it again X years down the line. But given his track record with you and his ex, he has a huge amount of changing and counselling to under go to work out why he behaves as he does ie. Has an affair when he feels things are difficult in his relationship, and never ever does it again.

I hope I haven't upset you more but know I probably have, really really sorry xxx

You havent honest. I know that once I start really looking at my.feelings about how he has treated me (and what this says about the kind of man he is) that I may decide I don't want him back. We've both got a lot of.stuff to work through before we make any big decisions about the future. I will be ok. I am stronger than him + have always known I could cope without him I just never thought Id have to.

You are fabulous and I hope he works at things to become the man you deserve in your life and I do think with time and counselling he could be. Whatever the outcome all your family and friends are here for you.

I want to thank you for being a fabulous friend for the last nearly 13 years (how quickly did that go !) and say how much I appreciate all the support you've given me over the years. DD wants your DD to know she is welcome here any time and she'd love to see her, but we appreciate she will probably want to stay close to you right now.

Looks like your eyes have opened a little wider just recently dusty. That may be a bad thing for your H in the long run as you may just decide that you don't need to put up with/excuse/accommodate his arrogant selfishness any longer.

I'm sorry that you're feeling bad but anger is good - it focuses attention where it belongs and helps you to be strong and move forward for yourself and your children - your H needs to fight for his right to stay in your family now, since he is the one who betrayed you all.

Thanks xxx

Dusty i've only jsut seen this and wanted to let you know there is hope, my xh had an affair 3 years ago, and left me for said OW, now i am in a loving relationship and a lot happier than i ever was with XH. I think what i'm trying to say is there is light at the end of the tunnel, things get better and life goes on. Eventually this wil make you stronger.

Oh and as someone else said above, you won't be overweight for much longer, i went from size 20 to size 14 when XH left.

Hugs, and remember you are never alone when MN is around xxxxx

But given his track record with you and his ex, he has a huge amount of changing and counselling to under go to work out why he behaves as he does ie. Has an affair when he feels things are difficult in his relationship, and never ever does it again.

hi, hope you doing ok.... just checking...has he therefore done this before in a previous relationship??

Oh Dusty

I've read your thread and understand completly the extra trouble you have with an SN son caught up in all of this.

I didnt want to read this and then not post anything. I admire you for what you have done so far and mangaged it all so well.

I hope you have more good days than bad, and agree with re decorating. It is very theraputic and really good for your mental state when it's finished.

You must feel so sad and angry - my H's affair wasn't even a love affair, our marriage wasn't under a lot of strain, just the usual stuff (work, kids etc) and also it went on for 15 months, it was really hard understanding how he could throw away 22 years and these factors are some of the reasons why H took himself off to counselling.

If you read Not Just Friends, it may help you see how an affair can develop in a long marriage . It helped us see what weaknesses H had to work on and how he managed to justify the affair.

My last post is why I now no longer put up with selfish behaviour and we have agreed on new ground rules which means our marriage is now a different one - much more equal and considerate, although I never will regain the blind trust and complacency I used to have.

The subsequent posts since mine last night, are kind of what I was getting at Dusty. Sounds as though the problem is more with your husband, than as a result of any dissatisfactions with your marriage. That's a more difficult nut to crack, because his personality isn't something you can influence, only he can change his own reactions. Just be careful you don't assume cause and effect, because that might not be the truth. I guess he's got to be honest with himself (and you) about whether he would have had an affair anyway, no matter the problems at home. There might be lots of common denominators between this and any affairs he's had in the past. He might be someone who seeks an escape when times are tough instead of talking about them with his partner, or he might be the sort who just can't look a gift horse in the mouth. Given what you and the other poster who knows him have said about his selfishness, my money's on the latter.

Keep working on it dusty. I think life will be even more difficult for you on our own. Why should you pay that price. Keep talking. It takes a lot of time to re build the trust, lay your boundaries and communicate.

Sorry I have responded to a much earlier post. If not helpful please ignore. I hope it goes well for you . These things are painful but sometimes life transforming.

Dusty :(

This here

Been thinking back over our marriage + realising how very selfish he's often been. I knew he was selfish + arrogant when I married him but I always felt that he put me first when it mattered. Not sure when that changed. Ive spent the last 16 years making allowances for him both to others and to myself. Ultimately though he's a selfish arse of a man who put himself first for much of our marriage + pretty much everyday of it for the last two years and I realise now that this has contributed to my low self worth and depression

I think is really, really important.

Of course, reading Wynken's posts as well, does shed a bit more light onto the situation and perhaphs if people had had a bit more background they/we might not have said that he seems to be remorseful and seems to have realised how stupid he's been. If he has a track record for bailing when the going gets tough and for that bailing to involve other women then I think, for me, this would be the end :( He's had previous chances to realise what he's risking and yet, once again, he's been prepared to put it on the line.

(I am not at all saying you should have said about his previous affairs if you didn't want to, only that knowing that, will change some of the advice you have been given.)

You have to do what is right for you and we'll be here no matter what.

I thought that after hurting his exwife so badly he'd never do anything like that again. He should never had married her because deep down he knew he wasnt in love with her. I thought he'd learned from that experience but apparently not. His first marriage lasted less than two years. If he's telling me the truth then he's been.faithful to me for over 13 years. Im not making excuses for him Im just trying to show why I thought this was different to what hsppened with his ex. In a way it is but its also the same because what it really comes down to is him being a weak + selfish man who puts his own needs above everyone elses.

Horrible day. Worst yet. Can't stop crying. He told me to day that he'd fallen in love with her. I knew this already but hearing him say the words ........ it hurt more than I thought possible. Not sure what I want today. Don't know if I want him back :(

So sad for you [hsad]

oh, bloody crappy men!!!

yes, the situations are different....and what is the same is the weakness of the man. Your last sentence says it all Dusty.

Chipping is absolutely right, make the decisions you want to make that are best for you adn we are here no matter what. And be as clear as you can as to what happened and why.

oops...x posted there.

Sorry you have had a shitty day. What a crap thing to tell you!

Thing is, to my mind, love means respect and honour...and you can't do that if you are with another person too.