SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

Dusty I really feel for you, my exh had an affair and it was soul destroying, you will come out the other side of this - i know at the minute you are such a hotchpotch of emotions but remember that you are strong, you have proven that. Take comfort in the fact that you can hold your head high, he seems sorry and will no doubt have to live with what he has done forever, you on the other hand have a choice. You can choose to work with him and put it back together - or show him the door. Either way you are in control her - let his affair ruin his life, it doesnt have to ruin yours.

madabouthotchoc you seem very familiar? Actually you remind me of another poster who used to be on here - she too found great use of Shirley Glass ...

Dusty, does he claim to be still in love with her?

He says he doesnt know how he feels. I asked him if he would leave me for her if we didnt have children etc but he couldnt/wouldnt say. I'm not sure if he's trying to spare my feelings or is actually trying to do the right thing. He says he doesnt know for sure how he feels about anything. He wants to talk through everything with the counsellor before giving me any answers. He says he thinks its me he wants but he owes it to me to be sure. He says all the right things but he's good at that. I want to believe him but not surprisingly Im struggling with that :( He went back to his Mums 15 mins ago after putting ds to bed + I feel calmer already. I was such a mess earlier I wasnt sure I wanted him to go but Im glad he's gone. I need some space. Im just glad dd has gone away with a friend + hasnt been here to see how upset Ive been. She's got enough to cope with.

Thanks for all your support. Between MN + my RL friends and family I will get through this however tough it gets x

hello Dusty, dont cry sweetheart, just wanted to say how sorry I am for you xxx

bloody hell that's shite!!! Are you supposed to sit and wait while he works out what he feels??
Please use the time to work out what it is you really want too.

I think it may help if you could work out what you want. You will then be in a better position to deal with him when he decides what he wants.

Oh i will be don't worry. Ive had a horrible day but Im still strong underneath. Ive told him that our future is not soley dependant upon what he decides he wants after counselling. It also depends on whether I still want him.

you sound good and strong.

take care xx

dusty you will have horrible days, but you will also have good days, and in time great days! I got to the stage where I felt I had betrayed myself by carrying on with it - if that makes sense to you. Like I was so busy trying to hang on to the thing that I hadnt stopped to wonder if it was what I wanted. You are much much stronger than I was, Im delighted with you!.

He is a fool, albeit a confused one. The shock of you standing up to him will no doubt kick in at some stage and ergo the panic. You will be able to look back at this time in years to come and realise that you had him by the balls!

As a very good friend of mine once said to me its important that you like yourself as you are with yourself all the time, I believe that you have a great deal to like in yourself. U R BRILL!

Well done my love, that's the best thing you could have possibly said to him.

I understand what you were saying about his ex & the affair he had when he was with her (was that with you?).

All you can do it keep on keeping on and try to work out what's best for you. 13 years is a long time - but the rest of your life is longer. It sounds like this aside, he's been running circles around you for a very long time. Putting himself first & letting you pick up the slack - don't make this decision simply on the affair, make it also on the quality of your life with him. You said his actions have contributed to your low self worth and your depression... that's not good :(

Im ashamed to say i was chipping :( I got to know him when he was living with the first OW. It wasnt a hidden affair. About 2 months after he got married there was a work night out for several people who had been made redundent. Nothing had happened prior to that night but during it they ended up together + he didnt go home for 2 months. He left the OW when his Mum got heavy + briefly moved back with his parents before returning to his wife. He and I really were just friends then. Don't know how,when or why that.changed but it did and I fell in love with him. I hated myself for it then and knew it was wrong but still I did it. I tried to stop but never managed it. When he finally left her I felt horrible about what Id done to her. Theres no justification for what I did and now that I truly understand just how terrible the wrong I did her was I am more sorry than I can say. Some people may think this is karma...my punishment for my past wrong doings. Maybe theyre right about me but what about the children. They don't deserve this. I probably should have admitted this before but its something I have always been ashamed if so try not to think about too much.

With all due respect, it is relevant. You were the 2nd OW, to his previous wife.

So this guy has a history, of affairs and cheating, leaving on a whim.

He's not going to change is he? So you need to work out, for your sake and your children s. If you want to work it out. More promises etc, just for there to be another, that he goes off with a few years down the line?

The whole history you have just come out with, would have been more helpful in the first post. People could have advised you armed with the facts.

This isn't some confused man who has made a mistake and it will all work out wonderfully. He just isn't monogamous and is a selfish prick to boot

In the end though, bubblegum, it makes no odds! WE are not the ones dealing with this, we are only offering support and advice. The OP is under no obligation to take any of it - she can just gather information and use what is relevant to her.

The only difference with now knowing that her H has "form" for this kind of thing is that there will be fewer posters telling her to bother trying to salvage the marriage, and it's looking more and more like Dusty may not want to.

DUsty - so sorry that you're feeling rubbish - not surprised, it's very hard to hear what you have heard. I doubt very much that your H "doesn't really know" - I would think, given what you have just disclosed, that he "doesn't want to say" because he doesn't want to cause any more pain/anger - not even particularly for your sake but because he doesn't want to have to deal with it. Sorry.
:(

He has a history of cheating, he did it with you, and you've caught him doing it to you. How many times has he done this in the last 13 years that you don't know about?

Seriously, get a lawyer.

I agree thumb. But seriously it is relevant to the advice she has got. All of the aww, he is a good guy gone bad. Made a mistake it will all be ok.

I think more people would have sensibly, IMVHO advised more along the lines of Gm there.

He has a bit of a habit of "going off with OW, falling in love, not loving the wife" at a whim.

It paints a more accurate picture of him. Which means op is less likely to be built up here, by people saying "he is a good egg really". For him to then go and pull a stunt like he has today.

He clearly has never, ever changed. His sort don't tend to. Selfish until the end

Which kind of would change the angle she got here.

Dusty - some people might say you are getting what you deserve and yes, at one time I would have too - but you know what, none of us are perfect and we all fuck up from time to time. Stones & glass houses. For me it's more of a 'if he will do it with you, he will do it to you and it seems to be true for the most part :(

I shouldn't have asked on the thread, I should have PM'd you. Sorry :( but I think it is relevant, but I should have thought about the possible 'you asked for it comments' (none yet thankfully). It's more that, as bubblegumpop says, it changes the advice you get and while I understand what Thumb is saying, I don't agree... people have been saying 'He made a mistake, it sounds like he will learn from it, give him a chance' (me included) had we known his history - we wouldn't have and it feels like we have encouraged you to try to work it out because it sounded like it was a 'first mistake' when actually, it's not.

Dusty if he's saying that he is in love with her and that he doesn't know what he wants to do, it's highly likely that they are still in touch - and that would be the easiest thing in the world now that he is living elsewhere. I'd love to look at his phone now, because I think it would reveal a lot.

I agree with others that he does know what he wants, he just doesn't want to burn all his bridges by declaring it.

His past history is entirely relevant and throws so much more doubt on the idea that the affair was a response to unhappiness. The more this unfolds, he's looking like a selfish man who can't resist an opportunity, but then gets caught up in the romance of an affair and convinces himself that this is true love. I would just hate for you to get bogged down with some story about his affair being a response to a strained relationship because of your son's needs, when it seems there is a far more mundane explanation that starts and ends with your husband - and no-one and nothing else.

Yes you are right - of course it makes a difference to the advice we would have given - but makes no difference really to the outcome because that is still Dusty's decision (up to a point, obviously her H has some control over it too). That's all I meant.

I came back to MN to offload really not ask advice. I didnt expect to get so many responses or so much support. Thank you to all those who have taken the time to read the thread + answer. I'm sorry if anyone feels I misled them by not mentioning the past before. I didnt post to get the sympathy vote or advice on what to do next - although I am grateful to everyone who has posted. MN is the place I can come to scream metaphorically when it all gets too much. I don't know what the future holds for me + h. Thats something we both need to work out in counselling. I always knew I was taking a risk trusting a man who had done this. before but I loved him so much it was a risk worth taking all those years ago. I don't have just me to think about now though.

Dusty - come and vent whenever you need to. It's peculiarly therapeutic, I find! Wish MN had been around when my first fiancé did a bunk with a secretary from his work - but hey, I survived anyway.

Why are you awake? Can't sleep? have a (or if you prefer!)

And to those who think I deserve this you may be right. I did a terrible thing to someone else. I knew it was terrible but still I did it. I didnt plan it + tried to stop it but ultimately was too selfish to give up the man Id fallen in love with. I always felt bad for the affair. Everyday of it I was disgusted by myself but it wasnt enough to stop me wanting him. I thought I was a better nicer person than the sort who would have an affair but I wasnt. Maybe thats why Ive spent our marriage thinking of myself as selfish - because I was too selfish to walk away when he wasnt mine to love. There was never any thrill in the lies or deceit. It was not a game I was playing + she was not a joke to me. She was, + most likely still is, a much nicer person than me. I was always sorry for hurting her but now I know just how much pain I probably caused I am sorrier than I can say. Im not trying to get sympathy here Im simply trying to explain how its possible to fo a terrible thing + not be a completely terrible person. Life is far more complex than that.

I was asleep thzumba but now awake. Too much wine earlier to try + numb the pain. Thanks for your support over the last few days. I am lucky to have lots of lovely RL friends like winken to support me but MN has proved invaluable since I found out.

With this new information, it does make me doubt his sincerity of to staying and fixing the problems in your marriage. He with a history of cheating and telling you he has "fallen in love" with the OW are red flags. He might just being nice at the moment or for the next couple of months and then leave you (like his first wife).

I think it is a worthwhile effort to go to counseling to see if you can make your marriage and your family stay intact. However, I think you should at the same time plan for a life without him. I feel that you know it will be tough but are ready and strong for this outcome.

Also, I think its important that you, DH, and DD have a family session or at least him with your DD.

Dusty you can't hang on to this guilty feeling any longer. He just can't be faithful. He may well mean too, or want to when he says it, but he can't. I don't think what gies around applies to you here. It's him, him that's going to end up, loney, with a ruined relationship with his kids. Sometimes the people met their soul mate when they are with someone else. That's how my parents were. They were utterly devoted to each other until my dad passed away. They were just with the wring person. Btw not what either of them had actually said to me, it was never discussed they were highly embrassed.

Hope you are getting some sleep now.

He sounds as if he is steering towards the OW Dusty , but regardless of that and his choices, think hard about your choice. He cant be faithful, counselling or no counselling, I doubt very much whether that will change. Your choice involves your children too, dont open yourselves up for this again somewhere down the road.