SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

I rang + left a message on wed + then again on fri but heard nothing back yet. I'll try again tomorrow + hopefully actually get to.speak to someone rather than leave.another message on the answer phone.

ok. We found it was all message leaving, but as you say, if you spoke to a RL person would be better. Then they could give you an idea of waiting times, and you maybe then think about whether it would be beneficial to have private counsellin in the 'gap' time, perhaps as damage limitiation, fire-fighting, rather than long term.

Thats what I thought Parsley.

Spoke to dh and he agrees that we need to get.started asap with counselling + if thar means paying private rates then it'll be worth it if we can save our marriage.

Good weekend overall :)

Apart from anything - it's a good sign that DH is keen to start on counselling as well :)

I think it's a good sign too and I wouldn't bother with Relate at all for this type of issue. My experience of them is that the skills of individual counsellors vary enormously and while they are reasonably competent at dealing with couples who have vague communication difficulties, they are very badly trained in dealing with infidelity.

Thanks Charbon. Thats worth knowing.

Just spoke to my.sister + her counsellor who she says is fab (he's the third) works near us one day a week + says he's happy to work with us. He's only 5 more an hour than relate so really good news. Going to call him tomorrow.

We've spent an absolute fortune on counselling, but it's definately cheaper than a divorce! It's also helped a lot in getting us through this.

Good Dusty, glad you've got a recommendation. I don't actually rate relate. We stopped going after 3 sessions because each time we saw a different therapist.
We got 6 sessions on the NHS.

I would echo dubiousness about relate and affairs. I remember my therapist saying to me "But why are you so sad?" DUUUHHH. So yes, do find somebody who understands the issues! Good luck.

Fingers crossed. Tonight I have hope. I like this feeling. It can hang around if it wants - the alternative is shit

You have to have hope, if you both want to stay married i'm sure it's possible to get through this. it's 5 months since i found out about my husband's affair, so it's still early days. i do love him so much and want to say married to him, though there are some days when i worry we'll never be able to get over this, most days i have hope. Though now i am a lot stronger i know i can live without him, i just don't want to. Good luck.

Relate rang today + we have our first appt next monday. Theres a 4-6 week waiting list after that so we hopefully can start seeing my sisters therapist in the interim and see how we get on. Does anyone has any recommendations for a book to help dd deal with her feelings?

Dustystarry: maybe talking to your sister's therapist about doing one family therapy (you, DH, and DD) session. I don't know if there's any book to deal with this type of situation.

Thats a good idea. I'll ask.

I've been following your thread and am hoping the best for you and your family whatever it may be.

Fingers crossed here too.

We went private - H needed to see a counsellor quickly as he had a few issues to sort out before I could consider relationship counselling.

Feeling a bit sad tonight. If dd hadnt picked up that phone last friday dh + I would be on our special break away that his parents bought us for our 40ths. Id been looking forward to it for ages :( I'm not sorry that I found out I just feel sad that its come to this :(

I'm a little confused because I thought you wanted your H to see a counsellor on his own, so that he could establish why he wanted to save your relationship?

What has he done to help your daughter, since her discovery?

We want to do both Charbon. We both have to look together at what weve let happen to our once good + strong relationship but he needs to look at why he chose to have an affair and also examine his feelings for OW. He says he regrets it and he's never stopped loving me +its me he wants but he managed to conveniently forget that for the last 18 months. I don't want him back if he chooses me over her because of the children or because of everything he'd stand to lose if he left me for her. i only want him back if he chooses me because he loves me not her. Im hoping that individual counselling will help him examine himself honestly and help him make the right choices.

He's trying with dd but she's very angry atm so isn't very receptive. She's angry with me too because she knows I still love him + want to make our marriage work. She says he doesnt deserve it and if he moves back in she'll stay in her room. Its very early.days so she's all over the place emotionally.

dusty - I'm sorry if I've missed it/forgotten - can your DD get any help from the school counsellor or not? She really needs someone to talk to herself, away from both of you. It does make some sense that she's angry with you too now - her sense of betrayal will be enormous, her feelings very black and white - and she can't possibly understand how you can be responding in shades of grey (iyswim). So I feel she needs to be allowed to vent her spleen and anger at someone outside of the family situation, without her family hearing it - family therapy will benefit you all later, but really she needs her own space too.

She can thzumba. She was already.seeing the counsellor to help her deal with the challenges of living with ds + has already had a chance to speak to her about whats happened. Hopefully the counsellor will be able to help her work through her anger

Oh I do hope so, dusty. Poor child! And how is your DS now - did your mum have some helpful suggestions on how to "normalise" the situation for him?

reading this thread today, dusty, just wanted to send you some support, think you are doing very very well, keep going, and best wishes to your DD and DS too, must be very overwhelming and confusing for them too.