SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

I agree that he may be in touch with OW as his still being ambivalence indicates this. My H knew what he wanted pretty quickly after his affair/fantasy life bubble burst, it was me who took a while to decide if I still wanted to me married to him. Maybe old habits die hard, given how he has lived pretty much as he pleased for so long?

I think there might be a section in Not Just Friends about ambivalence.

Also, IMO the fact that he seems to be almost enjoying his counselling sessions is a bit of a red flag - my H found his sessions harrowing but useful. Maybe the counsellor isn't challenging him enough?

Looks like our posts crossed each other - sounds like you need more time to sort your head out, but as people have said you can only take one day at a time and you can't rush your decisions. Maybe its time for you to have some counselling?

Its early days for the counselling. It was his first individual session this week so I think the counsellor was just doing the getting to know you stuff. I'm not sure he enjoyed the session exactly. He said it was hard work and he looked exhausted afterwards. I think he's sort of excited at the prospect of sorting himself out though. He's been in denial for years about the type of person he really is and his behaviour etc. Me finding out about the affair has forced him to face up to some unpleasant home truths about himself and he is starting to see how chaotic his life has been in a way for years and so is keen to find out why he has done the things he has. I understand that and being him he is embracing this new found revelation of counselling to the extreme. I'm sure the novelty will wear off pretty quickly as he starts to delve deeper into things and as the counsellor starts pushing harder and puts on his 'no bullshit' hat. We chose him for his no nonsense approach and my sis says he's worked wonders with her DH so I'm sure that he won't be letting my h hide from the truth.

Are you at the joint counselling stage ? That helped me because I felt then that we were doing something together for the good of the marriage and family. Also have you had any "dates" with him ? I know me and DH made a conscious effort to hae fun again, to be a couple again - you cannot know yourself until you start doing these things, know that you want to be part of a couple again, doing couple things. Sometimes a trip to the cinema is good because then you don't have to do too much talking and also have something to talk about afterwards.

You have to work at these things when something like this happens, to do things with a degree of goodwill IYSWIM. A date with no pressure if that makes sense. You have to foster goodwill again - my DH said he fell "in love" with me again when we started to have fun again, when we laughed together again - you forget how to have fun with the pressure of SN dcs, business pressures etc.

Just a thought.

I'd like to do all that but I'm not ready yet. We took the dogs for a walk today but thats all I was up for. I don't want to shut him out completely but I have to do things at my own pace. I did say that if we get back together that we need to have date nights and he agreed.

I was hoping we could alternate his individual counselling with couples counselling but for the moment he is keen to get to work on himself. I know that is selfish and part of me is irritated by it but another part is pleased he is taking it seriously and making an effort. I'm not sure we could afford to pay for individual counselling for each of us plus a couples session too. At least not every week. I'm going to get some counselling for me though and hopefully that'll help me decide what is most important to me both short term and long term.

Re counselling, thanks for clarifying things. I now understand what you mean.

My H had some sessions on his own (think it was about 4) and then we went to couples sessions together - I had thought I would need some on my own but as time went on, I found that I no longer needed this.

Dusty, if you want your own counselling then you must have it. If you look at it logically you will be able to pay for it and personally I think something like this which will hopefully help you has to be top of your list right now. Why don't you have a think about booking a session for yourself and see how you get on ?

Oh, sorry, misread that, see now you said you are going to get dome for you.

so far his actions seem to be baking up what he is saying

Do you really believe that?

Have a read through your posts from Sunday...

Apart from on sunday when he was a complete shit chipping and the things he didnt do when I was away. He was very very sorry the next day and ashamed of his behaviour. That doesnt make it alright but after years of living as a selfish pig he's not going to change overnight. Mostly he really appears to be making an effort and that is at least a step in the right direction. Time will tell if he can/will keep it up though and for me those changes are a prerequisite to us getting back together. I won't take him back just for things to go back how they were before - neither of us was happy before.

Just reread sundays posts and reminded myself how cross I was with him. He hasn't made as much effort as I had hoped so far but he does seem determined to change and he has accepted completely that he was a lazy tosser while I was away and fucked up by not sorting through his paperwork as I asked him to and even more by forgetting ds meds. Like I said time will tell if he will really change and keep up those changes long term. He's not going to get it right every time and tbh I don't expect him to but I do need to see evidence of a consistent effort and improvement from him if I'm going to consider taking him back.

Having said all that he could just be saying what i want to hear. God this is all so confusing :( I'm just going to go ahead with sorting my life out so the children and me are ok whatever happens and leave all the analysing for another day

Dusty - I know it's hard :( It's so easy to convince yourself that they are trying, that they are changing etc. I have been where you are... You want to believe they understand how much they've hurt you, you want to believe they are really taking the time to be certain, you want to believe they can and will change. You want it to be better than it was. Of course you do. I'm sorry if things I say upset or confuse you - but honestly, I'm just trying to help you keep your eyes open and not convince yourself that he's making more progress or even effort than he is. Please just tell me anytime you want me to shut up... if I could change him for you I would, in a heartbeat x

Don't be sorry chipping. I need your common sense approach to stop me getting starry eyed. I'd love to believe him but I know its far far too soon for that and maybe never. Please don't stop pointing out the inconsistencies in my posts or his behaviour. I'm too close to all this to see the wood for the trees x

x

Feeling good tonight. Spoke to h this morning and told him what I needed and now big weight lifted :) He came back over late afternoon to see the children and left an hour ago. Everyone happy (even ds) plus H doing the school run in the morning :) Today is so much better than yesterday I feel like doing a little celebratory dance lol. Let the good times and the superwoman feelings roll :)

Hurrah for good times!
Glad the talk went well - I presume that he has accepted he's not going to be staying over at yours any more?

I would say this to you though - regardless of how well your DH appears to be doing in improving himself, he has to stay away for at least 6 months. Long enough for him to get bored of all the improvements, if he's going to. If they're still going strong in 6m time, then you can start verrrryyyyy slowly to rebuild your relationship, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. By then you might not want to!

Have a good night's sleep and I hope tomorrow is a good day too. :)

Got the letter from the tax credits people and nearly passed out! I know we get extra because of DS SN but I had no idea we would get as much as we are. Unfortunately H was here when I opened the letter and I was too shocked to hide it so he now knows how much extra I am now getting. I've not even been to speak to the benefits office yet. It sort of feels wrong to be getting it but I was completely honest with them so we must qualify for it. I felt the same when DS got awarded high rate care for DLA and I got CA - it just felt so strange to be getting money for dealing with a situation (in Ds case) that I'd been dealing with for years anyway.

Not getting starry eyed I promise (hides from chipping) but H has been really making an effort since last Saturday's foul behaviour. Its about bloody time I know but nice to see all the same. He's sorted through the last of his stuff finally so next week i can really start getting on with things.

Got to say that its very reassuring to know we could cope financially if we get divorced. I know h wouldn't stitch us up financially but it feels good to know Im not reliant on his 'goodwill' iykwim. Between the tax credits, my CA, DS DLA and whatever benefits we are entitled to we can just about cope even without maintenance - with it I will be able to relax a bit and not count every penny. In the current climate I have to say I am very lucky to be in this situation :)

hi dusty ! just read through your thread ... . im sorry your going through this ...your H has been a prize idiot .

OW is polish ? ... she will go back eventually ...its getting to expensive here

im glad you had some good news about tax credits ...its about time you had something to smile for.

Can i just remind you to insist that your H goes for a check up at the Gum clinic ?
I know its probably the last thing your thinking of right now , but you need to get him checked , just in case . If you do get back with him in future , you dont want him to pass on any sti to you . Make him have a full screen done , hiv , hepts , herpes test , sypillis , chlamydia, gono , every known disease .
Dont even think of going near him till its done and hes got all clear.

I really hope you end up in a good place in life , regardless if you decide to take him back or not.

Great about the tax credits - shame DH was there. Still, I assume nothing has changed financially since he moved out. He's only at his mothers so he can't need too much money & family bills are still family bills.

Don't feel guilty about anything you get - life with DS is hard, you deserve any help you can currently get. Who knows how long it will last - so get it while you can.

I'm pleased that you would be OK financially without H. Even the best of them do unexpected things and it's nice to know, as you say, you don't have to be reliant on him paying when he should.

What are you up to this weekend?

Really good news re tax credits etc.! Hurrah!

Now, reality. You say you know H wouldn't stitch you up financially if you get divorced - but you don't know that. You can't know that. Let's face it, it's only recently that you thought you were in a stable loving relationship (well up to a point but ykwim) - you don't know your H as well as you thought you did. Most Hs who feel guilty etc. and are ostensibly trying to retrieve their marriage will promise the earth, financially - but as time goes on, they wonder why they should. There have again been threads on here about women who have been separated for a while, their Hs started off really well on the money side but when it came to the actual financial side of the divorce, the H shafted them. Because by then he'd realised how much it cost him to keep himself, with or without an OW. So - whatever else you do or don't do, get the finances nailed down ASAP via the solicitor.

The guilt only lasts so long, and if you decide that you don't want him back, after he's done all this counselling for you blah blah, he might get quite angry and vindictive. At the moment, he probably thinks that he just has to get through the counselling, do some grovelling and show some better behaviour and you will welcome him back with open arms - so if you decide not to take him back it could come as quite a shock!

Talk to the solicitor - I know it's expensive but getting it sorted now could save you a lot of problem (and money) later on.

Everything Thumbwitch says x

I know youre right thumb even though I wish you werent. Having a horrible down night tonight :( I know I need to get it out of my head and sleep but tonight the pain is resurfaced with a vengeance and all I can think about is what he has done. I can't stop crying and feel like screaming and smashing things up Its dd's bday and family have been round so thats probably not helped although everyone was perfectly nice. It was too normal really.

I looked at the divorce forms tonight. It says I have to sort out childcare arrangements prior to applying for a decree nisi. Has anyone applied without sorting childcare first?

My head is so messed up. I wish i could just hate him for what he's done - it would be so much simpler

I'm sorry you had such a bad night .

I don't know the situation about sorting the childcare arrangements before applying for a nisi but was wondering why you don't want to have formalised it with him? Nothing would be set in stone, if you get back together then it won't be an issue but during this period now whilst you're uncertain of your future together, it might be good for everyone to have a more formal arrangement in place. Is it the idea of the DC's going off for the weekend with him to your MIL? If you feel that would be disruptive to DS (and I can see it might be difficult) maybe you could look at you staying with your parents to start with whilst he's in the house, then in time the children could stay with him at MIL's or his own place when more used to the idea, if you do decide the break is permanent .

If you go and see a solicitor for an initial session you'll be able to discuss both the financial side and childcare side so you know absolutely where you stand . If you don't use the info as you reconcile, then great. But you do need to protect yourself from him financially. Hopefully he would do the right thing but you said when he heard about the tax credits that he was happier about you spending money which implies that at some level he hasn't been up until that point. To me, the fact that he was even the tiniest but grumpy is not good as he should be bending over backwards at this moment. If you were financially in dire straits then that would be different but you aren't. And sadly I have seen a couple of friend's H's change suddenly when a solicitor is involved for the financial side of things. Hopefully he won't do this but you won't know until you go and I really think you do need to now .