SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

Dusty - xx (HUG)

Think very, very carefully about showing him your list. I wouldn't do it. It puts you in a very vulnerable place & puts him in a position of strength. You need to show him that you are detaching from him/from the situation, that he needs to work out wtf & if it's you, how the fuck he's going to make that happen, not have it handed to him on a platter. He will read I do 'x' or I don't say 'y' and it's all there for him - all he has to do it not do x & say y and it's fixed. It can't work that way, he needs to work out how/why he's a shit.

I'm not sure I've explained that very well, but basically I think it would be a big mistake to show him your list.

Yes - it's not the best time of the month to be dealing with all of this, but I guess to put a positive spin on it, after tomorrow you'll have another month of clear thinking :)

I really really think it's a bad idea for all of you for him to stay over (by all I mean you, DD & DS, don't give a flying fuck about him tbh). It might be what DS wants, but it's not good for him really is it? It must make it more confusing not less - no? Could he go and stay with H at his mothers?

It's shitty to know it's a bad idea to stay together, but to love them (or really, actually, love the family life and future you though you would have more than them if we're honest with ourselves) and want to stay together.

I think that you really have to look at the reality of the last few years - really look at it. Do you want that, or do you want what you thought you would have??

x

Good point chipping. I won't show him. I might even delete it now Ive written it. I know whats on there and how many more cons there were than pros. I can always write another one.

Is there anywhere private you can keep it so that in a week or two you can go back to it? Things like this are quite useful to remind you how far you've come.

You are doing well, you really are.

Hope your hormones are relieved tomorrow!

Agree with chipping - bad plan to show him the list - he'll just pick holes in it anyway. There'd be lots of "but I only did that once", "what about all the x good things I did for you?" followed by counter attacks of "well YOU do xyz things that piss Me off" - all of which culminate in a general dismissal of your list. Even more so if he recognises that you are hormonal at the time.

I also agree it's a good idea to keep a copy - so if you've done it on the computer, print it out, hide it somewhere he'll never look (cleaning cupboards, for e.g. ) and delete it from your computer.

If you haven't already got password protection on your computer, sort it out as well - you need to make sure that he can't just use your computer without your permission.

Hi Dustystarry, been lurking and I am admiring how well you are doing and coping (I know how hard it is coping with SN dcs, cheating H and doing it alone ).

Can I just say it is still very early days for you atm and sometimes it is best not to "over think" things, sometimes to just "be". What you feel now maybe not how you feel in a months time eg. I know for me the first 3 months or so after discovery I was in a state of trauma (my DH was staying with his mum too) and I too had so much to forgive (my H actually took my DCs to stay with OW when I didn't know there was an OW) that it did seem overwhelming. And for me, knowing how much the DCs loved and idolised their father put untold pressure on me, my youngest used too hold onto his leg as he was leaving saying "Don't leave daddy, I want you to stay forever daddy".

Don't make any decisions about your marriage for now, if you cannot deal with your H staying over, then don't allow it for now. I found with my DCs, if they knew what was going to happen (have 2 with ASD) ie when they were going to see their father next and for how long, then they were ok with that - it is the unknown for them and the fear that they are not going to see him again, the "abandonment" if you will.

Try and get some counselling for yourself too, a neutral person you can vent to and get some clarity of your thoughts etc.

You need to concentrate on you for now - I didn't realise how much of myself I had given over the DCs, H, his business etc. I had forgotten who I was.

Bit of a ramble but I hope some of it helps .

Remember that this too will pass ....

I'd like to thank you all for supporting Dusty. I'm supposed to be going over today and tomorrow to help her put her flooring down but unfortunately can't go .

Buggering kitten has scratched DH in the eye and he's in a very bad state, though a tiny bit better than last night, plus DD now off school again after her HPV jab yesterday. So I'm not doing well on being a friend right now, just when needed .

Oh hell, Wynken! Has he been to the doc for that? He'll need antiseptic eyewash or something - poor bloke!
Did the jab make your DD ill?

Don't be silly wynken. You are always a good friend but your dh and dd have to come first and thats how it should be. Hope they both feel better soon xx

I am tired today but thankfully my period has started and I am feeling less emotional than yesterday. I will keep the list but not show him. Everything is already password protected due to ds but have changed all passwords after finding out about the affair. Not so much to stop h snooping as to take ownership of my life - also maybe a small amount of anger...I changed his online mobile password to ahole*2011...not very mature but strangely satisfying all the same ;)

You don't have to be mature all the time - I was tempted to do soooo many things to "our" house when I left (encouraged and abetted by my friends!) but didn't do any of them in the end because he expected me to and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. But I did write a secret message behind the radiator, where he may or may not have ever found it - made me feel better!

Your post rang so many bells for me counting. I'm not making any decisions yet however tempting it is. I know it won't always hurt this much and then hopefully I might actually be able to work out what I really want.

I did a similar list. I showed it to my H at a later stage of our recovery, he was so shocked to see just how long it was and how bad he has been, all written down in black and white that he was speechless for a while. It helped him understand why I felt the way I did about his actions.

Just had a quick read through of my list before h gets here. I decided to add numbers - there are currently 16 on the pros and 51 on the cons. Wish me luck - I think this is going to be a difficult conversation :(

ROFL at the password, I like it ! Glad you feel a little better today but still very sorry am not with you.

Thumbwitch -I had to take him to the Eye Unit at one of the bigger hospitals here as our local one don't deal with eye injuries. . DS managed to poke him in the eye 4 years ago (DH not very coordinated and doesn't quite get out of the way in time). That one has apparently healed well and they think this one should too as a clean scratch with no flaps but have warned that there will now be a build up of scar tissue and he must go back in the future if he has any trouble as sometimes there can be. Unfortunately we managed to stick a dent in the car of the guy cutting the hedge enroute to hospital which didn't help. He's completely out for the count upstairs. DD got sent home after the jab last time as she pretty much feinted an hour or so later. She seemed OK when she got home last night then got worse later. I'm not letting her have the next as one time I could write off as coincidence, but not twice.

Sorry Dusty, am going on a bit on your thread. I'm very tempted to start a countdown to it not being 2011 thread, can't wait to see the back of this year.

I didn't see your post below when I posted Good luck, hope it goes as well as it can. That sounds a bit lame but all I can think of.

Dusty - good luck indeed. Do NOT show him your list or anything else just yet. Just try and get out of him what he wants and where he's at, and then tell him how YOU are feeling about the situation. Be strong, be brave and I hope you get what you need from the chat. And tell him he can't stay over any more because it's too disruptive!

Wynken - I think that's a sensible idea not to have the 3rd jab - I didn't realise that it was a 3jab protocol for the HPV vaccine! Do let your GP know, although it's unlikely they'll report it as an adverse event - but at least you will have tried.
I hope your DH's eye is ok - he does sound unlucky for sure :(

Be strong while he's there. You can come back here after and have a wee melt down if you need to x

Wynken - hope DH & DD are feeling better soon. Maybe get DH some boxing lessons for Christmas, they might teach him to duck & dive a bit better

It went surprisingly well. He agreed to everything. He still doesnt want to commit 100% on what he wants. He says he feels its important to explore things further with the counsellor. He said he knows he's being selfish again by doing this but that this time he's trying to do it for the right reasons.

He said he doesn't want me just to sit around waiting for him and he agrees that I should start rebuilding my life without him and he understands that if I do this I may decide I don't want him back. He says he owes it to me.

It all sounds good but Im worried that a) He might be saying whatever I want to hear right now just to keep me on side whilst he makes up his mind what he wants and/or b) It makes it easier for him if I start getting on with my life because then he doesnt have to feel so guilty about the state I'm in. It will also make it easier for him to be with the OW if thats what he decides he wants.

I need to let those worries go though and just get on with my life for myself and my children regardless of H's motivations. My bedroom won't be finished this week after all but Ive decided not to stress about that. I did manage to get myself a tub chair through freeads yesterday so now have to choose a new fabric to cover it with.

Sorry Dusty, I don't think he truly believes that he might lose you. I think he deep-down believes that the choices are all his to make. That has been the pattern in his life thus far and no-one and nothing has ever shaken that belief.

Have you thought about what you will do if after all this navel-gazing, he decides it's you he wants? Will you welcome him back to your home?

Have you considered the option of telling him that you want to end this now and that he has lost you for good? What would stop you from doing that?

And what is he doing to explain his behaviour to your daughter? Is he taking the easy route of not persevering with her because of her anger?

Oh I'm glad it went well and he's gone already.

I wonder if he's waiting to see if the OW wants him fulltime or not

I'm really glad that you can see that a & b are distinct possibilities and that you aren't completely taken in by his patter.

It's a shame about your room but it wont be long. Great news about the tub chair. Have you looked at any fabric yet? Will you cover it yourself or get it done?

I have thought about it Charbon but i don't want to make any big decisions yet. Its not just him who doesn't know what he wants. I think OW would have him if he chose to be with her - I think she's really in love with him. I'm going to get on with my life as though he isn't coming back regardless of what decisions I may make in the future and whether he decides its definitely me he wants.

I'm going to try and cover the chair myself but if I get into problems a friend of mine can upholster so she'll be able to help

And he is still trying with dd. I don't think he can really explain his behaviour beyond him being a selfish idiot and that everything is his fault which he has already said to her

I think you are doing the right thing at the moment, just getting on with things while you mull over what you want. Of course it will be easier once you have decided he's not worthy of you what you want to do - then you can go forward in a more definite way, but you can't (& shouldn't) hurry that decision. If he decides that you are what he wants then there's no hurry for you to allow him to come back/or tell him you aren't having him back.

I would say though, that if someone didn't know if it was me they wanted and needed to take this long to think about it (in his situation, not yours - very different because you need to decide if you can forgive him, he's not in the same situation as you) then he wouldn't be getting that chance. He risked losing the lot - but still needs to think about it???

Has he cut off all contact with OW - I don't believe he can make a proper, calculated decision if he is still in contact with her. I think you would be well within your rights to say if there is contact then you and him are over, he would have made his decision.

I know my H was "confused" after his affair, he thought he couldn't really love me if he could have had an affair if that makes sense so, even though he had no contact with OW, he felt he couldn't recommit to me until he had sorted his head out properly, worked out why he had the affair, why he had chosen than path and re-written history. He had also pressed the self-destruct button in other aspects of his life and needed to sort those things out too (eg his business was in a downward spiral and he felt he needed to put all his energies into sorting that out as well, he felt it had to take priority over "us", as if there was no business than we would be in very real trouble (lose house, bankrupty etc). He felt his priorities were the business, then being a good father (as the DCs were severely traumatised by everything - nobody can tell me that divorce and seperation doesn't effect DCs ) and finally us as a couple. It was hard for me but all his actions supported what he was saying and he was honest with me. You need to work out what your H's actions are saying to you.

I feel for you, I personally felt that this seperation time where DH was sorting his head out was the worst for me. I knew what he was saying made sense ie not moving back until he was sure we could work rather putting the DCs through that trauma again but my mental state was so fragile - you sound so much stronger than I did at that time.

Best wishes.

Yes, there's no comparison between your ambivalence and his and in any case, I'm sceptical about both. I don't think you're truly ambivalent Dusty. I think you want him back and for you both to get past this. What's unknown though is whether in the long-term that is something you're capable of or whether it's the right thing to do, so you're wise to take your time with that.

But his ambivalence? I don't think it truly exists. I think he's still in contact with the OW and this is clouding his thinking, but all the time he can hang on to this belief that both women will wait for him to make up his mind, he won't rush it. He knows you won't close the door in his face, so there's no impetus to decide.

There's a big difference between taking your time to decide whether you can forgive - and not wasting any more time on someone who's not willing to start that process, because he's not even sure that he wants you. That's a huge imbalance of power and the only thing that will reverse it is to take it away and insist that he doesn't have the choice of you, any longer.

You can revoke that decision later, if necessary.

He swears there's been no contact at all since I found out. He knows that any contact at all and I will divorce him. There would be absolutely no way for him to come back after that.

You are right Charbon that I do still love him and I hope that we still have a future together but Im also very angry about what he has done and Im not sure I can forgive him all the pain he has caused me and the children. My head is still too much of a mess for me to make any real decisions about the future and I know as time goes by I may find that my love for him isnt enough for me to want to take him back.

I think our situation is very like countingto10s. When he first told me about the affair he didnt say he was unsure about what he wanted.He wasn't ambivalent at all. He told me he still loved me, he wanted to stay with me and had never planned on leaving me for her. I was the one who said he couldn't be 100% sure of his feelings for me if he had an affair for 18 months and that I didnt want him back unless he was 100% sure it was me he wanted - not me and the kids etc but just me for myself. I also told him I wanted him to look at his past behaviour and what that said about the type of man he is. I told him to leave and go to his Mum's while we both had counselling and so far he's done everything Ive asked of him.

I know he might not be telling me the truth but Ive decided that if I want our marriage to have a chance I need to extend a level of trust to him - otherwise how can he prove himself trustworthy again? If he lets me down its over and that might be hard but I can deal with it if I have to. I'm wary of taking everything he says at face value but so far his actions seem to be baking up what he is saying and if he continues to make this effort then that must be a good thing. I'm aware that in a way I am still waiting but I'm trying to change that and although it will take a bit of time for me to sort my head out I will do it.