SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

you're right chipping. The thing with dd deciding is temp and she knows it as does h. I have said that as its all so raw right now that she can influence these decisions for a while. Im going to get her counsellor to work through some of the anger she has to help her deal with whats happened. Its not just her decision about whether he spends time here and she knows it but after 3 days away I wanted her to feel that her opinion was important. Also I know h was hurt that she said no. She's said it before and sometimes I've supported her and other times overruled her.

I didnt particularly want him to stay but was feeling generous as Id had a lovely few days. I think he was probably already grumpy when I got home but I didnt realise it as lots going on with ridiculous greetings from the dogs plus giving kids pressies. I put the grumpiness down to dd saying she'd prefer him not to stay and me backing her. Now I realise he was a misery already :(

I told him Id take the paperwork to his Mums and he did some of it before he left tonight. He claims he thought he'd donw it all DS homework due monday so he seemed to think it was fine to leave it till last minute even thiugh he's working tomorrow and wasn't due to be here at all

AS for his meds there is absolutely no excuse. He actually tried (briefly) to blame ds for not remembering!!!!! Fucks me off that Im expected to rememer regardless and that if dd was there yesterday she would have remembered but leave ds with his dad alone for 16 hours and all hell breaks loose

Cut off my wedding ring tonight. I wouldnt have damaged it if I could have taken it off any other way but Ive put on too much weight. I was going to wait until Id lost some but decided today I didnt want to wait. he's broken all; the promises he made me when he gave me that ring so its meaningless. If we get back together he can give me a new one but the old one is gone and I am glad. Not glad that all this has happened but glad I can free myself from the trap of giving too much of myself for too little.

cor dusty - you cut your ring off yourself?? How did you manage it? You're very brave - if I'd tried anything like that I'd be in A&E by now with my finger hanging by a thread...

Sorry that things didn't go so well when you came home but glad you had a fab weekend away.

Looks as though your H isn't really putting much effort into family life, doesn't it - 'selfish thoughtless cock' springs to mind as a good descriptor.

I hope the counselling helps your DD sort through her anger; she's entitled to feel it of course, she just needs to know how to channel/handle it.

Buggering bugger - I just wrote a long reply and it ate it!! Grrrr

Now that I understand what you mean about DD getting to decide, it makes more sense (to me) and I can see why you have allowed her to have a say in it. I think it's a good idea that it's only for a very limited time or it could turn into a PITA for you and too much responsibility for her.

You are such a lovely Mum.

I hope you can get some counselling for her soon. I am so upset & angry for her that he's put her in this position.

So after telling you and the school he'd help with the homework he thought he'd just ignore it. He's not helping himself here is he.

He tried to blame his 11 year old son, with SN, for forgetting his meds. Well done. That just covers him in glory - not.

I'm really really pleased you had a good time away, you certainly deserved it. I How did you feel? Did you feel that this was giving you a glimpse of how stress free and nice life could be without him or did you miss him... or did you manage just not to think about it?

The dogs missed you then - there's nothing like a doggy welcome home! :)

It's good you have done that with your ring and you are right - he has broken the promises he made when he put it on your finger so if you are to have a new start, best to do it with a new ring, but actually - I don't think you'll need it. I'm really sorry you are going through this, but I also think in the end it DD finding those messages has done you a big favour. You are starting to really wake up to how he treats you on a day to day basis (affair aside) and you are starting to value yourself, I think you wil see you are worth so much more than he's prepared, or able, to give.

xxx

I absolutely love MN

Well what a tosser is all I have to say and so much for being on best behaviour and bending over backwards. Really glad you had a good time but so sorry you have come back to a petulant toddler instead of repentant H. You do deserve so much better. So 3 weeks of guilt and being sorry is as much as he can manage without reverting back to selfish git. I guess you'll have a fair bit to discuss in your next counselling session xxx

Bloody knackered today. Ended up drinking far too much last night

I have hurt my finger a bit thumb but it was worth it. For a soft metal it was surprisingly difficult to cut through. I was so angry and upset that I took a photo of it and sent it to him along with a couple of angry texts. He came over this morning before work and seems very sad and sorry.

I had such a nice couple of days. I didnt miss him because I was busy and I was with my sis. It was lovely just to please myself for a change. I bought a gorgeous new coat wynken that you can see on wed.

I think he's feeling thoroughly ashamed of himself after his behaviour yesterday and hopefully its this sort of selfish crap that he can talk through with the counsellor and change. Even if it ends up being too late for us he'll be a better man and father if he can stop putting his own needs/wants first all the time.

Just read your latest updates - your H is not doing a great job of stepping up to the plate, he is a prat for messing up this golden opportunity to prove that he can be a better father and husband.

Hope you're ok - glad you had a good few days away.

What did you cut through it with? I didn't think to ask last night. I had a jeweler do mine (not a wedding ring) and that was bad enough! How bad is your finger?

What did you say to him this morning?

Hmm - just be a little bit careful wont you. Thoroughly ashamed or Want My Old Life Back Don't Want To Live At My Mum's. They look surprisingly similar. You have to look at actions not words.

Right - I'm off to take my 84 year old Auntie out shopping for a new washing machine as hers has packed up. We'll have a lovely day, she's an absolute star x

Wynken please give Dusty a really really big hug from me on Wednesday!!

a combination of bread knife and bolt cutters. My finger is ok - just a bit sore with a couple of little nicks.

I won't fall for his lines. If he doesn't start showing me that he is making a real effort then there is no way I'll be taking him back. I'm hoping he can change but if not it'll be his loss not mine.

Enjoy your day chipping :)

Apart from feeling a bit guily about DD and quite a bit sorry for himself l don't see any sign of genuine remorse on your H's part OP.

He is putting very little effort into sorting things. I think you would be better setting clearer boundries now, no overnight stays regardless of how much easier it would make his life. He made this mess not you and it is totally up to him to fix it.

How was your day Dusty?

Mine was lovely, just got home. My Aunt is the best - 84 and twice as much energy as me, she's brilliant.

[I agree with Doha]

Hi Chipping. Glad your day was good :)

My day was ok. Im shattered after drinking far too much last night and drunkenly posting a pic of my broken wedding ring on FB at 1.30am Needless to say I deleted that when I woke up this morning.

I went over to see wynken and her family this afternoon and it did me good to get out of the house. It was nice for dd and ds too. Thank God for good friends x

Yes - thank god for good friends :) They're the family you choose for yourself x

Your bed & wardrobe arrive tomorrow don't they? What else do you need to do/get (other than the mirror)?

They should be here soon chipping :) I still have the mirror to get but Im going to wait until the rest is done before I get that.

I also want to get a nice comfy chair. I think I'll go for second hand though and then either recover it myself or chuck a nice throw over it. DS and dd want to get me a few accessories for xmas so I won't get any more of those just yet.

Oh dusty, it's going to look so fab! And it will be all yours - you can choose who you let into it.
How lovely that your DC want to help with accessories - that gives me a nice "warm fuzzy" feeling. :)

Did they arrive?

Have you made the bed?

How's it looking??

I can't wait to see the photos :)

The bed is lovely. Having a bad day today though :( I think doha etc are right about him staying over. I'm trying to do the right thing by everybody but I can't handle him being here. He's being sweet and sensitive to my feelings and making an effort but that almost makes it worse :(

You should all ignore my woe is me mood - Im due on so no doubt much of it is hormonal but I still hate feeling like this. He is off tomorrow so I think I'll have a talk to him while the kids are at school and explain that I thought Id be ok with him staying 1 night a week but that right now its just too much.

He says his counselling went well and he's going alone again next week. Part of me feels annoyed and feels he is being selfish by taking all the sessions for himself and then the other part knows that I asked him to do this and sort himself out

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow when my period starts but today my mood matches the weather :(

Dusty love -you have to do what is right for you just now. His feelings just now dont't matter a bit , you have to get to a place that you are comfortable with.
As you say at this moment you don't know wheither this relationship is salvageable or not so you have to look out for yourself and your DC's.

No more sleepovers for him, talk tomorrow about just what boundries YOU want in place, what works for YOU and the DC's. He wasn't considering his family when he was with the OW, so you owe him nothing in the way of consideration right now.

Is there any way you could get some individual counselling for yourself, to work out what you want now and in the future.

I think I'm going to sort some out for myself yes as I'm really struggling with what I want. I still love him but Im so confused right now. Today I want to tell him its over just so I can move on from this pain and start rebuilding my life. Tomorrow I'll probably wonder if Ive done the right thing telling him to move out and wish he was back at home with us. Letting him stay over was more for ds than for h. DS really misses him and hates that he isnt living here atm. He will be cross with me when I tell him that his dad can't stay any more :(

Him staying is a big issue. Your DS wants him to stay, your DD doesn't. You are torn by doing what is right for you and for them.

Maybe a solution is for him to stay until your DS goes to sleep and then he leaves. Your DH, if he wants to, needs to continue working at re/building his relationships to the children. Whatever happens to your own relationship, it would be good for your children to maintain their relationship with him or at least until your daughter puts this situation to bed in her mind.

Ah Dusty have a sneaky ((hug)).
Of course you are torn, and you are going to have down days in amongst the ok days, hrrmones or not.

But I agree that you have to make a decision based on what's best for all of you, not just your DS - and if that means stopping the overnight stays from your H then so be it. I'm sure he's having a fine old time at the counselling - but you need to work out exactly what you want to do NOW. If he later shows that he has had a real change of heart and attitude, then maybe you could consider working on your marriage but frankly, IMO, his lack of respect for you prior to the discovery of this affair (bringing her into your bed for God's sake!) needs a HELL of a lot of work and grovelling to get you to even consider keeping him on as a partner.

Your DS might be cross with you to start with, and I can understand that he needs things to stay the same - but even with his SN you can't run the whole household to account for his wants, can you? Not really. I mean obviously up to a point you have to - but having the disruption of your H staying over 1 night a week, no. :(

Try a pros and cons list if you're having troubles deciding what you want - sometimes just seeing the list of cons can really help, especially if the only thing on the pro side is "But I love him!" (Obviously not in your case, there are your DC to consider as well but still, you see what I mean?).

Thats a good idea thumb. Im going to make that tonight before speaking to h tomorrow. My biggest problem really is I love him and I want us to have a future so much that its hard to let go of that. I know I need to and some days I feel really strong and capable of anything. Then there are days like today when the pain is so raw its hard to breathe. I know I need to walk away and start rebuilding my life without him even whilst hoping he might still be a part of my future - its just so hard some days :(

Like I said Im sure much of today's state of mind is due to hormones. These days for the couple of days before my period my mood swings all over the place and the smallest thing can feel like the end of the world so its hardly surprising Im finding everything so difficult today. Thanks for the support.

Be very honest on your list - you've spent all the time with your H forgiving and accommodating some of his more unpleasant behaviours - try and see them objectively without the wifely overlay.

Thing is, if you make yourself strong enough to go it alone, he can still be part of your life if you choose - but you are not dependent on him any longer.

But yes - the pain can be very intense and raw. I used to hide under my bed (frame bed) and wail when it got very bad. :(

Ive been making my list. The cons is already many times longer than the pros. I think I might show him it tomorrow when he comes over. I told him we need to talk but too emotional tonight to say what it was about without breaking down so i didnt say what we needed to talk about. Really hope I come on tonight so I feel more in control tomorrow.