SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

Oooh, it has to be a mirror with light wood frame, that way you are free to buy new furniture in whatever wood.

Buy gold and silver vases/boxes/lamps etc... Teal and cream cushions and throw...twiggy shit?

I'm thinking cream curtains....

and we NEED to see a photo when it's done. Then tell us your next project.

Yeah Hans Solo does it for me lol.

You may be not a princess in real life but there is nothing stopping you making rules and regulations in your life like one.

If he wants you back he can bloody well work for it and prove it to you over and over again until YOU have made your YOUR mind on wether you want to even bother risking going through it all again. Until then, bugger what he says. Concentrate on yourself, only then you can think clearly.

Good idea about the accessories mole. Ive already got the curtains - they are a plain teal with a fake raw silk effect and look nice. I'll definitely post a photo when Im done :)

and get that mirror...a full length one..

I'm pleased to hear that your day was 'OK'.

I'm worried he'll woo you over too - but I'm sure you are far more sensible than that I know how tempting/easy it is to believe what you want to. But yes, tonight go for the 'feel good' and get some sleep (alone!!!!!! )

Feel free to link to your new wallpaper - love a bit of decorating porn

How is DD doing?

Dont worry Mole Ive spent enough of my life putting him before myself. That ended the day I found out just how one sided that had been. If we have a future he will definitely have to prove he is worth taking a chance on but whatever I decide I am going to make sure I am MORE than ok - with or without him :)

Who-hoo..THERE'S our girl superwoman!

Now then..mirror. Where are you thinking of getting it and what is your budget?

Agree to the poster who asked for a linkyloo about the wallpaper.

I've nearly finished my living room and need ideas for not only my room, but the hall stairs and landing too.

dd is out trick or treating. She is still very angry but she loves her Dad really so its hard for her. Relate have said they are happy to do a couple of family sessions and the other counsellor has recommended a colleague who is experienced with helping children deal with this sort of trauma. I thought we might try both - a bit of 1:1 for dd to deal with all her many conflicting feelings and a couple of family sessions to help her deal with h either moving back into the family home or with us making the separation permanent and getting divorced.

No real budget as such Mole but definitely less than £100. TBH less than £50 would be better but within reason i am going for whatever I really want for my room iykwim. The mirrors I looked at today were all under £40 so Im sure Ill find one I love

Cant wait to see it Dusty.

That sounds like a great idea for your DD. I wish I could offer you more advice as to what to say or do with her.

Oo Dusty - just caught up with your thread! glad the counselling went ok and hope that your H does continue to work for your marriage for the best reasons (and not just because it's easier for him).

The mirror - I'd say go for a distressed silver-painted wooden frame but it's up to you some ideas on ebay here

Thanks thzumba. Still not sure about the mirror yet. Im going to finish the rest of the room first. Just got a call from Argos + my new bed + wardrobe are being delivered on monday! I thought it was going to be weeks before they both came. If I go for it next week I could have my room finished by next weekend :)

Lovely!

Hows things been with you today missus?

Sorry,

How have things been with you today?

lol mole. Not too bad. Im still very tired but starting to feel better from my cold so hopefully by thursday when I go up to London for a few days I will be up for a good night out

Sounds great. Hope you enjoy it.

Have a great time : )

Woohoo! That's great Dusty - both re. the furniture and the waning cold! things are looking up again. You Will Be Fine - you really will - and the stronger you become the more you can be in charge of what happens next, whether you take your H back or not.

Have a great long weekend in London! :)

Had a lovely weekend in London with my sister. It was so nice catching up with old friends I hadn't seen for years and doing things just for myself for a change. I spent, ate and drank too much and had a great time doing it. I am home now and feeling tired and back to reality far too quickly, as always. A lazy day tomorrow and then bedroom decorating!

arrrgghhhh f$%Ting men. I had such a good couple of days that when h seemed sad that dd didnt want him to stay tonight I persuaded her to change her mind. He has been a grumpy bastard all eve and now Ive told him to go back to his Mums :( He says he's been out of sorts all day after drinking too much last night Feeling very angry now and completely unappreciated! He's gone back to his Mums now feeling bad but I bet that he still doesnt feel as shit as dd and I do now F$%er!!!!!!

Dusty - I'm a bit confused. He feels crap after drinking too much last night. Why didn't he want to stay? Why is he staying at yours anyway - surely that's just confusing for all of you? If he was staying why didn't he just go to bed when DD did so that he'd feel better tomorrow? Why specifically are you angry? Why do you feel unappreciated?

I'm not saying you are wrong - not at all. I'm just confused??

not making much sense I know chipping. He wasnt supposed to stay tonight but asked to. Dd said she'd rather he didnt. I said nothing as Id been back all of 5 mins and dd is entitled to feel angry with him, Then we went to his Mum's as he wanted to treat the children to some fireworks he had bought. He seemed really down after dd had said he couldnt stay so I persuaded her to say he could stay tonight (he's working tomorrow and we are much closer to work than his mum) but that he couldnt come back here after work tomorrow instead. She told him and initially he seemed to cheer up and be pleased. When we got back here though he was just grumpy all night. DD said he was grumpy when he woke up due to hangover and has been irritable all day I asked him to do one thing in my absence and that was to sort through his paperwork so I could sgred/burn all unnessessary stuff. He hadnt done it. He's also not done ds homework with him that he told me and school he would help ds with. Plus he forgot to give ds his meds last night cos me and dd were both away!!!!!!

I thought he was feeling insecure about me having a good time in London without him and that he had missed me and wanted to see me. I was stupid enough to feel sorry for him which is why I made the suggestion to dd to let him stay tonight. Then when he was here he was such a miserable f%^k I wondered why Id bothered to try to be nice.

He's been staying 1-2 nights a week as we live 15 mins walk from his work so since I have the car its easier for him to get to work from here after spending the eve with the kids and having an early start the next day. Ive said this is only a temp set up while we decide what we are going to do and that if we decide to split permanently it will cease and he'll have to get a place of his own as he won't be able to spend his access time with the children in my home.

Just a few of my thoughts - as always you don't have to answer, but may help you just to think about (or not?!) xx

Why did you choose to try to make DD bend to his wishes?

Why do you want him to stay?

Why are you letting DD dictate whether he stays or not - I think that's a bit of a slippery slope and I don't think it's good for her to have the 'responsibility' of working out if it's a good idea or not.

If I was your DH, no matter how badly I'd behaved, I woudn't be dictated to by my 12 year old DD about whether I could stay in my own home or not and whether I could come the next day. It's one thing for her to say I don't want to spend time with you and go to her room, quite another for her to say if he can come to the house or not.

Why do you think he changed from happy to grumpy?

Paperwork - tell him to take it with him and deal with it. He can bring it back to shred if needs be.

Homework - what was his excuse for not doing it? Did you tell him it was not good enough to let DS down, the teachers down & you down?

Meds - WTAF are these meds DS takes all the time? He should have set an alarm if he didn't think he could remember without being reminded.

Frankly I think it's good he's been like this tonight - it will help you keep those rose tinted glasses in their case!! x