SO SHOCKED

[dustystarry]

Found out today that dh been having affair for a year. I had no idea. 12 yr old dd found out
looking at a phone he had borrowed cos his was broken. I feel completely shocked + numb. Always thought Id know but I had no idea at all. Our ds 11 has Sn and is really challenging to live with. I battled through oblivious to dh fixing his feelings with another women. Not been on MN for years + had even cancelled my membership but cant sleep + didnt know where else to go :(

Dusty I imagine none of us would expect you to be capable of turning your feelings off like a tap and so it's understandable that your heart has got to catch up with your head.

I just don't want you to think that by improving your relationship (if you get back together) that this will solve what is actually his problem. At the moment, your joint belief that he wouldn't have done this if your relationship had been great, is comforting, I know. This is because you feel you would have some control in the future, to stop this happening again. But as I think someone said earlier, he's the only one who has only control over his own behaviour.

I'm afraid I think that it wouldn't have mattered what your relationship was like, he would have done this anyway. He would have been tempted by another woman and because he didn't learn any lessons last time, would have thought that having an affair wasn't so bad. He didn't want you to find out and you were shocked to the core when you did. He must have been a very skilled deceiver, over 18 months.

Unless he works on his own boundaries and has a shut-down mechanism in defence of the prospect of a romantic interlude, it won't matter how great your relationship is in the future. This is so evidently a problem with him personally.

Look at it this way, it sounds as though you were even unhappier than him in this marriage. Would you have had a relationship with someone else?

Feeling bleugh today as full of cold - just what I needed :( Still its not all bad. Ive got loads of sorting done. Ive finished sorting the paperwork, Ive boxed up wedding photos etc to keep them safe, Ive cleared his wardrobe and chest of drawers plus Ive sorted through mine too. Two big bin bags full of stuff for the charity shop, one to go to his Mums and two boxes of paperwork and books for him to sort through next time he's here. Now to tackle the bathroom and downstairs loo. Ive been singing "Im gonna wash that man right outta my hair" today which makes me smile and keep going :)

Shame about the cold but bravo on everything else! Have you decided on a new colour scheme/décor for your bedroom yet? Got the new bed ordered? That will be something nice to do as well. :)

Bed and wardrobes already ordered but got to wait about 3-4 weeks for delivery sadly. Colour scheme is teal. Ive already bought some gorgeous new bedding from Next plus a rug and lamp. Just need to decide on the wallpaper for a feature wall behind the bed plus a nice big mirror to reflect the light. Oh and flooring too. Its going to be so lovely when its done :)

It sounds lovely - what about silver to offset the teal? Or better still, tarnished silver/pewter? I know that sounds a bit iffy but it'd be nicer than bright silver, I think. Very excited for you!

Dusty - your new room sounds lovely :) Sorry to hear about your cold. You have having a huge sort out, the whole house will look lovely - a fresh new start for you :)

Ooooh lovely.

Are you feeling any better in yourself today (apart from the cold)?

and silver is a great suggestion to go with the teal.

I am much better than the last couple of days thanks. Its a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally. One minute Im crying, then I want to hit something and the next moment I feel like superwomen ready to take on whatever life throws at me. Its exhausting lol. Im glad Ive sorted through his stuff though. It doesnt mean its over forever but it might be and it also sends him a big message that this is not his home now and might never be again. What with emptying his wardrobes etc, sorting through paperwork and informing the council tax office and child tax credits that he is no longer living here I think he should get the message ;)

Those Superwoman days are great. They should bottle it and sell it.

I remember the rollorcoaster days well and they do get less and less frequent and shorter.

One silly thing I found was during one of those superwoman days is to start on a big project (ie, new course, re decorating) and go back to it during your low days to remind yourself that's what you are headded for if you see what I mean. It kind of gives you a life out of those lower days and makes them a little easier to bear as you have a goal and not feel so lost and useless.

I hear you molepom!!!

I think I have never felt so alive as in those 'superwoman' days...its like every minute really counts and nothing, absolutely nothing, is taken for granted.

molepom is right, you need to take a momento somehow during those high days, to yourself in some way, to carry yourself through the lows.

The highs are no more part of 'normal' than the 'lows' but knowing how to use them is everything.

Just checking in Dusty, you are being so strong. I can see now that you are seriously considering life on your own and from your posts you are certainly strong enough to do it.
It is very easy to want to retain the status quo in the early days (I just want things to stay the same/him to come back/life to be 'normal') but as time goes on and being on your own is the norm then you realise it's not so bad.
Be good to yourself, you sound like a very nice person who made a mistake once but it seems to me you & your DCs deserve better.
Loving the vision of the bedroom - can you do mine next??
x

Thanks wiseowl. We have our first session of counselling tomorrow. Hope it goes ok.

Good luck for today.

Thanks madchoc. Its going to be an emotional day as have ds paeds appt this morning and need to take to the doc about how challenging he has become in the last few months and my concerns for how he'll cope (as in he won't) in high school next sept. I'll also have to tell her about our home situation. Then after I drop ds back at school it'll be time for our first counselling session. Think I may need to pack some tissues!

Good luck !

Good luck with the counselling session today, dusty - hope it achieves something for you.
Hope the paediatrician had some useful help to offer as well (although I somehow doubt it :()

Stay strong - you're doing a grand job. [hsmile]

How did it go Dusty?

it was a tough day but all in all a constructive one. DS paed is lovely and does all she can to support us. I really can't fault her except that she is always so busy. She has already started drafting a report to support my request for specialist ed although we both know it won't have a great deal of impact with the borough. She is going to add all the info from today and get it sent out in time for ds statement review next month.

The counselling went quite well I think. Nothing new really came out but it was only a first "getting to know you" session really. H said much less than me but the counsellor pushed him to say how he was feeling etc and he did start to try and open up. H is going to go alone next week to talk through some of the stuff he's find easier to be completely honest about without me there and then hopefully we'll both go the week after that. H seems really determined to do things right. He says he feels like he's sure its me he wants long term and that this has never changed. However he knows that since he has been unfaithful twice before that he needs to examine his feelings and motivations really closely with the help of a professional so that he can be 100% positive that he can change and never do anything like this again.

Im bloody exhausted now and still feeling rough from my cold. Still not sure what tomorrow will bring but atm we both agree that our ideal result from the counselling would be for us to be able to rebuild our relationship and go on to be better and stronger than before. Failing that we'd like to at least have a decent relationship so that we can work together to support dd and ds.

Thanks for all the support and advice. You guys have helped keep me sane these last couple of weeks and will no doubt give me a bollocking if I start making allowances for him or not facing the truth. In fact Im counting on it :)

Oh we'll give you a kick if you need it love.

Glad to hear the Pead is getting things started and hope you get all the help you need.

I'm happy to hear that counselling is going well too, but you've both got a long way to go yet. Take everything your H says to you with a pinch of salt over the next few weeks.

Now, onto more important stuff...have you decided on what colour to go with that teal in your bedroom?

Your post made me lol mole :) I have chosen a teal wallpaper with silver and gold patterns on it for the feature wall - sounds gaudy but is actually really nice. The floor is going to be a light wood effect and I think I'll paint the other walls a creamy colour. Just the mirror to choose now - do i go for one with a frame or not...with a silvery painted frame....a metal frame... or a wooden frame? I think I'll do the rest of the room before I decide ;)

SOunds like your day was ok after all - I expect you must feel really exhausted. I remember how wiped out I used to feel after each counselling session so do be kind to yourself this evening.

I am choc. H has taken ds to get some sparklers to cheer him up about no pumpkin etc this year. He doesnt go trick or treating because he's be a nightmare plus he can't eat any of the sweets. H is also getting something for tea plus a bottle of wine. Im going to be good and not get carried away by the success of today. We'd already planned that H would stay with ds tonight and do school run tomorrow am so that I can have a lie in so I'll be going to bed when dd does.

Hi Dusty, glad to hear your day went reasonably well, I expect you'll be ZZZZZing early!
I think a silver mirror sounds nice - nice contrast!
[hhmm]I sense a slight softening in your attitude after the counselling, I wouldnt want you to think we're all man-haters or anything but YOU are the prize and he's the cheating bastard who's got a track record... you don't think he will be saying things that you want to hear? As somebody said on another thread you need to be a Jedi Knight - he is on the Dark side and The Force is with you!!
Take care,sleep well and keep strong x

If hs ideal woman wasnt leia in that gold bikini I might go with that lol. Think I'll have to be yoda and say " hard to see the future. Always in motion it is". I want to believe him and I know thats my main weakness but Im not going to fall for everything he says I promise. Its going to be a long time before I can accept anything he says without a pinch of salt - if ever. No decisions any time soon but tonight I feel pretty good and Im just going to enjoy that while it lasts :)

Yeah, & mine's Hans Solo but thats about all I've got at the moment.... Solo.
We'll keep you on the straight & narrow, you have been getting v good advice.
It is SO hard to be strong but you are doing very well I promise you.
X