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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is my DH? What should I do?

302 replies

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:25

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 15/10/2011 09:23

x posted again!

I meant the previous post sooworried.

Enabling him might mean he dies from his drug use. How would that make you feel?

Suicide is highly unlikely. Thinking like that is toxic for you. Distance yourself

clam · 15/10/2011 09:26

So last night you begged him to come home, saying "I have told him if he does one thing for me tonight is to come home now - he has ignored that."

Yet now he reckons he can summon you to go and pick him up???
Too right you have your bath and go back to bed. Well done.

pink4ever · 15/10/2011 09:26

Many drug addicts threaten suicide when they are faced with having to actually do something about their shit behaviour. It is not your fault and you cannot be responsible for what he chooses to do now. Its all emotional blackmail crap anyway-just another way of keeping you compliant in his drug abuse.

Doha · 15/10/2011 09:30

Just have the feeling that OP is not strong enough to deal with the fallout of confronting him right now.
He will be patted on the head, told he has been a naught boy and all will be forgiven--I Hope not- because there will be a next time and another and another but by this time OP will have a real baby to look after.

FeedDeeTilIWantNoMore · 15/10/2011 09:32

I'd have his bags waiting for him on the doorstep, and i'd but the bolt on, if you have one, so he can't get in.

Maryz · 15/10/2011 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PetisaPumpkinHead · 15/10/2011 09:36

Op I haven't been on this thread before but just wanted to say you're handling this really calmly, and remember you have to look after yourself and your unborn baby. He's an adult and has to be responsible for himself. If he killed himself, WHICH HE WON'T, it wouldn't be your fault in any way.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2011 09:38

"My genuine fear is that if I leave that will be the end of him".

No. He is the architect of his own destruction; he is making conscious choices here. Don't let him hold you to that piece of emotional blackmail and thinking like this is highly damaging.

You are not responsible for both him and his issues though you think you are. Again codependency rears its ugly head here; there are elements of codependency within your relationship as there often are in addictive type relationships.

Katisha · 15/10/2011 09:49

Threatening suicide can often be a form of control - brings you into line with what they want.
If he threatens suicide then you call the police.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 15/10/2011 09:57

Well done, soooooworried

Telling him to make his own way home is a small step, but a significant one.

Wise clam is right - that he would expect you to come to pick him up after his binge shows a real lack of respect for you and what he's putting you through.

Don't feel bad about feeling weak and vulnerable - that's how lots of us feel when pregnant, even when there aren't any real problems to deal with. It was one if the things about being pregnant I was most surprised by - everyone talks about tiredness and leaky boobs, but nobody told me I would feel like I needed someone to look after me and keep me safe. It's not a familiar feeling for most of us :)

But you're still you, you're still strong and smart and capable (and ballsy by the sounds of it). You'll be OK.

But you need to take the energy you've been wasting trying to fix your husband and turn it to making a safe life for you and your baby.

What he does next is up to him. You are not responsible for what he does. Just for yourself and the baby you'll have soon.

You've no idea yet how strong that bond will make you. But it will.

ToothbrushThief · 15/10/2011 09:57

My genuine fear when I left my ex was along these lines Sad

He did start on a process of self destruction - mainly anger with me, based

I wouldn't get involved but did worry myself sick. I'd say that once he'd realised that his emotional manipulation was falling on deaf ears, he turned to the only person who could help him

Himself.

The ironic thing is that now he sorted himself out I'd consider him as a partner but whilst we were together he was a nightmare. I did enable him because I felt responsible. (not sure why)

He's better off without me and I'm better off without him

catsrus · 15/10/2011 10:02

You're doing really well so - it's hard coming to the realisation that your love won't change someone. Ignore those posters giving you a hard time - they either have forgotten, or never knew, how difficult it is to understand addiction if you've not lived with it before.

You are starting to see things clearly - IMO maryz is giving good advice (prob because she agrees with me :) ) contacting al anon will help - talk to people who have been in the same situation and have had to go through a similar process of deciding what to do for the best for all of you.

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 10:15

Thanks everyone - his is still wandering about looking for a cab - shame!!

Just made some porridge as baby been kicking like mad ever since this all started and I wonder if it my emotional state, or needing some nutirents ot what. I am trying to focus on the baby and not on dickhead wandering around town.

OP posts:
FeedDeeTilIWantNoMore · 15/10/2011 10:16

What are you going to do when he eventually does return?

DollyTwat · 15/10/2011 10:19

Op I've been where you are and I really feel for you.
I ended my marriage because I couldn't carry on.
The turning point for me was when I realised that my ex wasn't doing it to piss me off, it wasn't about me at all. The result was that I was pissed off obv and we would argue, he would be sorry, it would all be fine (or hidden from me) and then one day for no apparent reason the cycle would start again.

So, one awful weekend I handled it differently. I didn't scream or shout. I sat him down and told him as much as I loved him and would help him as a friend, that he'd have to sort it out for himself.

I didn't take any of it on board for myself. I wasn't upset at what he'd done, he wad an addict, I was upset that my best friend was destroying himself.

He went to aa. He hasn't had a drink for several years now. Our relationship was beyond repair though.

MmeLindor. · 15/10/2011 10:30

Good for you, Soooworried.

Take the time to decide what to do. Don't rush into anything.

If he is serious about changing then he can prove to you by getting professional assistance. And accepting that you cannot be his crutch.

Your baby is worth more than this sorry excuse of a father. You are worth more than this sorry excuse of a husband.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 15/10/2011 10:45

You are doing the right thing Soooworried. I think you should start to get tough. He put you through a night of hell. Do not pander to his meltdown over the 'guilt' and 'shame' he feels. That is making it all about him again. Keep your distance, let him weep and wail. Stay strong and start thinking.

Pink - I repeat, it really wasn't the time to say it. And it served no purpose other than sticking the boot into someone feeling desperate and vulnerable.

clam · 15/10/2011 10:45

Ooh, porridge! [henvy] [hgrin]

Proudnreallyveryscary · 15/10/2011 10:47

I don't agree he is necessarily a sorry excuse of a husband or father, there's no need to demonise. But his behaviour is destructive and he is in a grip of an addiction - an addiction that makes him manipulative, selfish and irresponsible.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 15/10/2011 10:48

for not of sorry

akaemwahahahafrost · 15/10/2011 10:53

One thing I would say to look out for now is blame shifting. Once you stop enabling people with substance abuse problems they can sometimes become very angry and try to put the blame on you, ie you aren't helping them or being supportive enough. They are very good at playing the victim. I cannot count how many times arguments after HIS binging became about me and what a selfish horrible wife and person I was. Somehow their actions become forgotten as you try to defend yourself from their accusations.

In the end they will stop being contrite and start looking for ways to blame everyone else in order to give themselves the excuse they need to continue using drugs/drinking etc.

fiventhree · 15/10/2011 10:59

SW

I have read your posts, and skimmed some others. Solidgoldbrass is right.

My son had a problem with drugs for years. He too had a baby with a lovely girl, and they both believed this would be a fresh start. He adored the baby. He is an intelligent and kindhearted man, in some ways.
BUT.... by the time the baby was three months old, he was at it again...he didnt really accept responsibility for himself, and he kept blaming everyone other than himself...she didnt know how hard it was for him etc etc. She earned all the money, or most of it, and he never really put himself out for them.

The request for a lift...v tiny detail, but significant. He thinks only about himself, really. I blamed myself for years about this, as his mother. What had I possibly done wrong to raise a child with these problems? But my other adult child is totally different, happy and successful and responsible.

Best of luck to you, but I dont see a happy outcome here. Even if he gives up the coke, he will still need to spend alot of time working through his need to do that, if he is willing to take that seriously. That will put a great strain on your marriage, with a baby.

Also, please close the joint account..if you dont, you are likely to end up with his debts. They lie continuously.

If you are not happy in the relationship, you cannot stay only because you fear the consequences for him. It is a kind of enabling, sadly.

The best advice I ever had as a mother of someone like this, is "do not deny your child the right to learn from their own mistakes, and the right to mature as a result of them". Can you see how this might adapt for you too?

Hugs

TheOriginalFAB · 15/10/2011 11:02

Your priority is to stay calm and well for your baby and yourself.

Maryz · 15/10/2011 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waterrat · 15/10/2011 11:05

very good post from fiventhree. That request for a lift IS a small detail - but it means so much. He knows you will have been awake all night with worry - you are pregnant, you wanted him to come home hours ago. But he wants you to come and get him. because HE has finished his binge now so he is calling on you...

SW this has to stop. You simply cannot live with a man who can walk out and do this. And - I have never heard such codswallop as telling you, minutes after of a binge that he is heading for the 12 steps. I know a lot about drug use - he sounds seriously messed up - as you say, this is not just recreational use.

He needs to be put out of the family circle - to know that you are not willing to accept this. He needs to fear losing you - that needs to be a reality.