Where is my DH? What should I do?

[sooooworried]

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

Only read the first page so far, but can I just say that IMO Cocaine is a shitty drug, very expensive, and causes thousands of lives each year in Mexico and South America through cartel warfare.

Overpriced, cut with who knows what, kills thousands upon thousands of people though cartel infighting and corrupt local governement forces.

Families living in jungles earn around $10 a barrel of crude cocaine paste, made with coco leaves, petrol and other chemicals and sold on for $1000's.

I'm not drug averse, but being in my early 30's I have toned down. When I do get the chance to go to a proper club (twice a year max, I have an 18 month old), it's MDMA crystal (pure ecstasy) as the drug of choice. At least you know exactly what it is and you don't want to keep taking it all the time like cocaine.

Sorry OP, not much help, sounds like your DH has a problem.

I'm no expert, but he's obviously occasionally desiring that cocaine slimulant feeling (pre-planned or work pressure related), so I wonder if his doc could sort some diazepam (Valium; often prescribed to people who have become alcohol dependant) on a short term basis to releave the anxiety and chill him out a bit to take his mind off it?

Feel free to PM if you want anymore advice.

Soooo, I hope you are ok. I fear you haven't come back to the thread because you are not taking the advice given. If that is the case please don't let it stop you seeking help here. There is so much advice and support here it would be a shame to turn your back on it. But I know how hard it is to hear some of this stuff. Of course you may not have come back because you have thrown him out and are busy coping with the aftermath but either way please know there is support here for you.

OP, hope you are ok today. I don't post on the relationship boards as I don't feel I have the experience or words to add any insight.

My ds is 5m so I can just about imagine how vulnerable you feel and how much you want to hold your family together for the sake of the little life that's so precious to you. I would never say to you to leave, you should be able to get support here no matter what you choose and you will.

I'm in my 30s but I'm the child of a binge drinking alcoholic. When I think of my childhood I remember a place of uncertainty. We never knew when my df would disappear, the very randomness of it meant that you c

wheresthecat - thanks for answering. yep sounds like a hard journey and i'm glad it worked out for you all in the end.

soootired - come back and let us know how you are - or pm me if you want to talk off thread. not going to judge anything. take care.

Sorry, posting from my phone and hit the wrong button.

You could never relax, I remember him coming to school functions drunk, I remember him phoning the house to get dm to collect him and us all in the car waiting at a prearranged spot for hours until he turned up. I remember him turning home drunk and getting us out of bed for a repetitive and unending night of being told how much he loved us.

He was never abusive but it left it's scars. I have control issues and want to keep my world perfect. Unfortunately with 2 small DCs that's impossible and when I lost control and couldn't be the perfect parent to dd it triggered years of depression and I'm just coming out the other side. It also affects my relationship with dh. If he is out I am on tenterhooks even though he has a reasonable relationship with alcohol and is only a social drinker. If he was an addict I would be gone. My DCs deserve not to have their lives blighted by an addict parent. So does your baby.

You cannot make him change.

What a few days. I feel completely spun round.

He cam back about 11am yesterday, and was in a terrible state. Described symptoms which I thought meant he was close to heart attack/ death. Like pain in his chest, spasms, pins and needles, he couldn't move barely and was very paranoid. He had taken over 15g. He wouldn't let me take him to A&E.

I called Al Anon as suggested but it was no use, she was pretty uninterested when I told her it wasn't alcohol and was drugs.

DH contacted his CA chum and said he needed a sponsor asap. They chatted for a while and then I talked to this guy for about half an hour. That was so useful and really helped he - much of what he said some of you have said. He knows the wife of someone who he knows how is a recovered addict is willing to meet and help others who are living with it and he is going to put me in touch with her.

The rest of yesterday I pretty much left him to sleep it off.

This morning - big talk. I had rehearsed what I was going to say and wrote down all the main points that I wanted him to hear - I spoke for abour an hour straight telling him everying I wanted him to know and what I wanted to happen now and what I needed from him.

Long and short is he isn't here. Right now he is at a CA meeting, and is meeting with 3 potential sponsors who the chap we both spoke with yesterday has recommended and is going to approach to see if they will take my DH on. The CA chap said he needs to do the steps if he wants the fellowship thing to work. Going to the one meeting a week as DH has been doing for the last 5 months and the counsellor alone won't be enough. A friend of ours came over and collected him and took him to the meeting and afterwards is going to take him back to his and he is going to stay there this week. I have set out 3 conditions to DH which if he does he can come back at the weekend. One is doing getting a sponsor and a plan to do the steps, the next is to come clean about all the debt he has built up and a re-payment plan that has him debt free by Xmas without impacting one dot his contribution to our join costs and the baby fund we are both contributing to each month. Third is to tell the police everything about the dealer and change his phone number. He has said he will do all this and has made a start already, but he is still out of here until the weekend. I also said this is last chance saloon - one more time and I promise I will tell my parents and throw him out, he will have access to the baby, to me and the house on my terms. He agrees with all this and didn't fight me on any of it. It was a very calm conversation. He says it is me, the baby and our life together or death (ie this stuff will kill him) and reconises that I have been a safety net for him and that I am takeing that away next time and will let him crash to the ground. He talked to me about how he feels and tried to describe how he comes to get in these states, although I still don't understand.

So I am content with where we have got to for now. I know lots of you will think this is still enabling and that I should have changed locks, not let him back in etc but this is how I have chosen to deal with it, with once last chance, which I am praying he will take.

I used loads of the words and sentitments from this thread during my discussion with him, it has all really really helped. Thank you so much.

i think they're great steps on your part to be honest.

well done for asking him to leave and setting him conditions to meet before coming back. i think the being honest about the debt and having worked out how he's going to deal with it is a good one for making him face, admit and pay the consequences.

obviously the key to all this is meaning it and being ready to tell him to leave for good if this continues. people know when you mean it and likewise when you don't.

how are you feeling?

OP, just to let you know that I've been reading this thread with great interest though didn't feel the need to add my tuppence worth till now as so many others had made some really useful and very valid points.
However, I'd been secretly praying that you'd find some strength from somewhere and lay down the law to him. And you have!
Really I admire you so much for doing this. You were absolutely right to wait until you could be calm and he was in a state to listen and I'm so relieved that you have been strong enough to remove him from teh house and make him listen to the terms under which he can earn the right to return.
I truly hope that he'll do the steps he's agreed to this week and take those first tentative steps in the right direction.
I would however, urge caution. He's agreed to all the right things and he may well do these. But, there may well be relapses ahead so please make sure you're mentally and practically prepared and know, in advance, what you will do if this does occur.
From what I've heard from you so far, and your actions today, I have no doubt that you will do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your imminent new arrival and I wish you all the strength and support you may need in the weeks and months ahead.

I think you are being incredibly strong. I know very little about these matters but your 3 conditions seem sensible without being punitive. I admire how brilliantly you're handling this very difficult situation. All the very best to you and your family.

He would not let you take him to A & E; well there's a surprise not. How did you react to that pronoucement of his?. Its still all about him isn't it and what he wants.

Why did you choose this way?. You did not and still don't get the fact that being there for him as you have been does not help him. He does not want your help so it gets thrown back at you and lets you down. You are the last person who can help him because he has to want to face his own demons himself - and without you by his side. You are too close to this to be of any real use.

How more "last chances" are you going to give this individual?. Why put yourself and your as yet unborn child through this some more or do you do this still because you "love him"?.

I wish you luck OP: I think you're going to need it because I think he's going to mess up again. Where is the incentive for him to change; nothing much for him has changed fundamentally. He has only likely contacted the CA person because of your own forcefulness.

who invited jeremy kyle?

Well, I think what you have done is perfect. It might work, it might not. He may stop, he may not. BUT YOU know you have done everything you could possibly have done to help him sort himself out - it's now up to him. You didn't just kick him out with no warning. Hopefully this will give you the strength to kick him to touch if he now shits on this chance he has been given.

I hope you can speak to the woman that you mentioned before.

Be strong - it's really really hard, but you can do it, for you and your baby.

No-one invited the Jeremy.

How will you know OP that your third condition put to your DH has been fulfilled?.

15 grammes is a very serious amount OP.

Very serious. He is lucky he survived that night and he will have spent hundreds of quid on it.

I hope he can sort himself out but if he doesn't follow through on your plan.

Most coke addicts don't go straight from the party to the loving arms of someone who will help them sort it all out. I know this is a last chance but it doesn't suprise me that he is all penitent. It's part of the comedown and cokeheads are brilliant at telling people what they want to hear.

Nevertheless, best of luck.

It sounds as if he should be checked out by a doctor, OP. Will he go to his GP?

I think your conditions seem very reasonable and you sound pretty strong given your circumstances. I really, really hope he has half your strength as he will need it. Try to rest this week and let him see life without you.

15g??? Fucking Hell

Bloody hell! 15 grammes? What's that in todays money? About £800? Plus I'm surprised he survived the night.

It sounds like you've done the right thing with him. Hope it works out for you both.

I wouldn't think it humanly possible to consume 15g in one night

OP, you have done great. I hope he doesn't disappoint you. But in case he does, I hope you take on board what I've said before and contact a lawyer to learn of your rights and start saving in a separate bank account. Good luck.

Readding this some peoples OH's have stopped and others have carried on. Like i said up thread lay the law down now and it might give him the push to sort himself out. Be strong, EAT and keep posting

OP, I have been following along but don't have much useful to contribute. Just wanted to say that I think what you have laid out for him is spot-on, glad you managed to wait until you could speak clearly and calmly and he was in a state to listen. In your position I think I would have been ranting and raving and not doing anybody any favours.

I truly hope he can pull himself together. And I also hope you know that if he doesn't, you have already shown that you are well able to handle the worst things that life throws at you, and you did it all by yourself. Bravo!

You've been brilliant.

When you said he was in recovery, I hadn't clicked that he was going to meetings but not even started his Steps. You're not really recovering until you do them - and work them, for life. Tbh, they're not a bad framework for any life so you could do yours if the idea appeals (swap 'god' for some other concept, if you prefer.)

Lastly: Is the counsellor he's seeing an addiction recovery specialist? Addicts in recovery normally see therapists who are mindful of the 12 steps.

Which jogs my memory: I've not been mindful of mine for a while. Could be why I've been feeling down. Good luck to you both; he sounds extremely well motivated, so let's hope that's not just guilt and he genuinely does want a more appealing, clean life with you & baby :)

A week is a short time .
And don't forget you can call 999 whether he likes it or not and get paramedics to come and assess him

Narcotics Anonymous 0300 999 1212 -- might be more helpful than Al Anon.

You don't need his permission to call 999, as Cestlavie says. It is your call and remember he may or may not be fit to make any sort of decision. If you feel a call is warranted, call. Let the chips fall where they may.

I don't like his black and white thinking there -- 'you and the baby or death' sounds as if he is very caught up in this drama he is starring in and is not really seeing your reality. His feet are not yet on the ground. He is larger than life.

I have nothing to add to Maryz and Cote's posts. Disengage from this process of his. It has to be his or it won't work. And it is very important for you to see a solicitor for an overview of where you stand. This is not pre-empting anything or acting in bad faith. It is an important emotional step for you in the process of learning to look after you and the baby first and foremost.

And for goodness sake, eat. Take care of yourself.