Where is my DH? What should I do?

[sooooworried]

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

morning sooo

do you talk to your baby? it may sound mad but i'd really recommend having a chat with him/her now. stroke your tummy, sing, talk, think about holding that baby in your arms and make it some promises about what kind of mother you're going to be.

it is real and alive and kicking around in there.

glad you're eating.

i can't speak for you but bonding with that baby would help me get a grip on what was real and important and decent in all of this.

it sounds very ugly and desperate - this locking yourself away and shoving hundreds of pounds worth of coke up your nose for the sake of...???? it's pathetic and seedy and downright and desperate. this is not someone in good emotional or mental shape. it doesn't sound much like someone fit to be a father and husband does it?

think what you want for yours and your baby's life.

lots of people are pushing you and i'm reluctant to but i think now is the best time to ask him to leave for a while.

this is the last trimester of your pregnancy, your last little while to take care of yourself, rest lots, prepare for what's to come, get yourself and the house sorted and just focus on being in the best shape possible emotionally, physically, financially etc for the big change that's coming. he's not helping that - quite the opposite - and that is very important - put it first. explain that's what you're doing and tell him to leave. say he will need to prove to you that he is able to put this child first and be a decent adult human being before he can return.

do you think you could do this? in all honesty i don't see what choice you have - it's that or know that you're bringing your child into this relationship and home with a seedy, seflish man who puts coke ahead of you and the child. you don't want to be that person.

Mary - he already goes to meetings.

Between his regular, frequent binges he says all the right things.

It sounds to me like he gets off on the remorse and sooooworried's concern, and the (easily made and broken) promises to stop. It's all become part of his binge cycle.

Hence the outrageous expectation that his pregnant wife, who he knows has been frantic with worry all night, come to pick him up now that his binge is done. He is looking forward to phase 2 - the return to the loving embrace of his wife and being indulged while he wails about how awful he feels.

proud - maybe one day he'll make a good husband and father, but right now "sorry excuse" is quite a kind way of putting it.

Hi OP

I'm glad you're eating, I'd echo what people upthread have said about focusing on your needs and that of your baby right now.

My exH used to threaten suicide all the time, as a way of making me back off from my (entirely reasonable) requests for him to stop drinking, to stop stealing my money and to be a proper husband. These threats, and the promises to stop, and the occasional bouts of nice behaviour, kept me hanging on for longer than I should have. I was under the impression that I could fix him, but in the end the only person I can sort out is myself.

I'm sorry to say your DH sounds like a tool, as people have said right now he is entirely focused on his own needs (asking for a lift - cheeky fucker).

Please look after yourself and your baby, and don't try and make him feel better for his unpleasant behaviour.

Big hugs x

Agree with Maryz re the baby issue. It is common for all sorts of addicts to think that a baby will sort things out. They think 'oh well, that would be lovely, and I will have to take responsibility then'.

But of course, it never works like that. it is the inability to manage feelings and stress well which causes the addictive behaviour. A baby is of course alot more stress, especially after the honeymoon period.

Certainly, I dont want to push the OP to leave her husband. That is her decision. But I do think she needs to distance herself at this stage sufficiently to have a long hard look at him and his behaviour, and to think about her own needs. For example, I might ask myself, is there something in me which needs to want to help to fix that person? Is that ever possible? What is he going to be able to offer me, and the baby?

Saw this recently- I cant remember whether I saw it first on mumsnet or elsewhere:
www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Lots os useful articles on that site about drugs and dependancy etc.

And the fact that he clearly expected that you would do it (as in fact, at one point, you were) is an indicator of his sense of entitlement that you'll be there to sort him out.

Wake up call required.

Don't forget some of how awful he feels/will claim to feel is the comedown from the drugs - not genuine - nothing but chemicals & fucked up synapses.

I'm glad you're not getting him and that you're going to ask a friend to take him in (you know he should do that himself, right?)

Hi, sorry, I am new to this and haven't worked out how to copy quotes but just a thought in response to your worry that he might become suicidal if you leave him.

He is already damaged or selfish or both. He is an adult and it is beyond your power to change or fix him.

On the other hand, in a few months you will have a tiny, perfect, undamaged human being who will be totally dependent on you to help them grow up as happy and healthy as possible and it will be totally in your power to look after this little person.

You need to put you and your baby first in everything. It isn't selfish and whatever happens to him is up to him. He is an adult and will never need you as much as your baby will. You might not be able to save him but you will be raising a part of him in your child and you can nurture all the lovely traits you recognise from him in your beautiful son or daughter.

I don't know if this helps but maybe will help give you strength if you find yourself having to make difficult choices.

Good luck. xxx

What a lovely post, EHoney

This thread is horrible for me to read. I knew everyone told me the same and i ignored them completely hoping things would change. I fear op will do the same.

Op - do the hard bit now and with some luck if you drag it out, be strong and dont bow down he might sort himself out before the baby comes.

The other option is to stay, most likely get PND due to the stress and loose precious moments with your newborn.

And yes honey what a lovely post and so true

Thinking of you this morning, hope you have managed to get some rest

Hiya. I hope you're getting some rest now with everything you went thorugh last night. There has been some really good advice here.
In my case I stayed. As I said, DH had several 'slips' off the wagon when I was pregnant. I hoped it would stop when the baby was born. It didn't - in actual fact for a while it became worse. As others have said, he began to blame me - I was a bad wife/I was nagging him etc etc.
His last binge was when DD was nearly three. And then he stopped. But it had nothing to do with me - it was because we moved to a new area, with a much smaller community. He went out on a binge, and of course word got round. When he picked DD up from nursery the next day, the nursery staff had heard all about it and were laughing at him.
He was horrified that people saw him as they did, and he chose to stop drinking/doing coke. That was four years ago, and thank God he's clean now. We are lucky. We've managed to rebuild.
BUT I had PND for a long time, which turned into severe depression, Generalised Anxiety Disorder and OCD. I am just now trying to come off anti-depressants. I can remember very little of DDs first two years, because I was so focussed on him, trying to support him, trying to make him stop etc.
It wasn't until last year that I could finally trust him to go out on his own. Even now, if he says he's going out for someting like a Christmas Meal, I will be anxious all evening.
It takes a long long time for the scars to heal. Even now, it's a topic we don't approach. I will never know why he did it. He won't talk about it as he says it makes him feel guilty.
Now I think of myself as lucky. We have two beautiful children. We have jobs, a house, a very good relationship.
But the reality is it could have been so very different, and I shudder to think about the effects it has had on the children.
I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do. I am here if you want to chat.
Don't let him fool you into thinking any of this is your fault. It isn't. Look after yourself and your Little 'Un.
x

Better for one and worse for the other is not how it works, Northcountrygirl.

Fantastic post SCOTT.
'That's how he gets away with this - by making the aftermath about how awful he feels, by denying you the right to be angry by threatening that if you do anything about it, it will make him worse.'
Look back at '"this is making me feel worse, I need to feel better" whenever I scream at him, pack his stuff try to throw him out etc.'
You are being silenced here, Soooo. He is telling you everything you need to know about him, and where you stand in all of this, right there.

And Maryz 'In my opinion addicts only stop using when they find something that they are afraid of more than they are afraid of losing the drug/alcohol. If you walk away from him now he is left with a very simple choice - lose you or give up using. It will be his choice and you have to let him make it.

Please start talking to people in real life. Give nar-anon a ring at least .'

You have to be prepared for the blow to your self esteem that would come with the either/or choice here that you need to give him. Right now he is turning it into a grey blur with his 'promises' and his 'remorse' (aren't words cheap?), but in fact it has always been a very black and white situation -- by doing what he does he is choosing the cocaine over you every time.

Please talk to your brother whom you mentioned earlier. Keeping it from people in RL means you still believe you have some control over your H. It also means you fear the feeling of humiliation that comes from having others know the conditions under which you live -- but that means actually that those conditions are not tolerable. When you try to gut it out in an intolerable situation it is because you need to feel in control of your circumstances and are not willing to accept how little control you really have.

You have a little bit if an investment in the situation here (co-dependency) -- you must divest yourself. Everyone has a bit of that. No-one is an island. But he is taking you further and further from the normal range every day. He is thinking only about himself, and you are thinking only of him. The balance is completely out of whack.

If he has talked about suicide in the past, you really need to step right back from him. He is spinning a web for you with that kind of talk. That sort of shit is actually a tantrum, a grown-up form of tantrum. (though completely immature) You do not have control over this man and you do not have any responsibility for what another adult chooses.

If he starts up with the suicide talk today, call the police and tell them his location if you have it. They will find him and take him for a MH assessment.

There will come a time, if you don't start the tough love, when you will fervently wish he would commit suicide and put you both out of his misery.

He will be very angry with you when you make him face the music. He will bitterly resent being forced to grow up. He will try to blame you for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life, and accuse you of all sorts of manipulation, moving he goalposts, changing your mind and not loving him unconditionally. You will be called cold and cruel and all sorts of crude things. That means you are taking the right tack.

Yes, that request for a lift. You are not a real person to him at all. What you are experiencing is thousands of miles from his consciousness.

hope your ok op

i have nothing to say as everyone here has posted some solid advice. remember at the end of the day to do whats best for you and the baby

Hugs

hi love
just wondering if you or your dh actually knows why he goes on these binges?
when my dh was doing the exact same thing your dh is doing, i couldnt understand it, we had the 'perfect' life, the home, jobs, friends,money, family etc, but he had some terrible unexpressable pain inside which he could only block out by binging on coke... he did get to the root of it after LOTS of therapy... i just wondered if your dh has done any work on the root causes of his destructive behaviour. if not then maybe it is about time he took some responsibility for it.
my dh was also a lone binger, doing it at home or in hotels, so i know what its like. he only sopped when i left (for 6 months), he had to prove himself worthy of being with me and dd. we moved to the country hundreds of miles away, deleted dealers numbers,and he did very intensive therapy.

i really feel for you and know how worried and heart briokenyou must feel.
please don t listen to pink, i'm sure he does love you and your baby, its just that he loves the obliteration coke provides, it numbs the pain. he just needs rto work out what/ why he is in so much pain inside.
x hugs x

He won't kill himself. Selfish losers like him are never so fucking obliging as to actually die and get out of your way. Please bear in mind that as a woman you have been socialised to put Your Man's needs first and fix all his problems for him - don't buy into this bullshit any more. TBH cokeheads are selfish wankers and most regular coke users were in fact wankers before they started the coke, it's a wankers' drug.

Wheresthecat - it sounds like a nightmare. how are you now? honest question - does it feel worth it or do you wish you'd done differently? sounds like a lot has been lost.

You know OP, it is likely that when the baby is born you really won't want to be arsed with all this shit any more. A lot of women find that once they have a baby they have no time, energy or tolerance for their dp's crap, who then ends up out on their ear in no time.

But I do hope for you and your baby's sake that he gets clean and stays clean.

SwallowedAfly actually, this year I feel better than I have done ever.
But it's nearly 10 years down the line.

I don't wish I'd done differently. I try not to think about the past, only the present and the future. I am proud of him for stopping, and I tell him that.

I made my decision. It wouldn't be right for everyone. Reading soooworried's post last night brought it all back to me. I hope she is OK. No one should have to go through this.

Op, hope you're ok pet. I've been there. Reading your posts is a bit emotional for me- they sound like me a few years ago.

Leave. Leave him. He's selfish. Lying. Manipulative. Self-serving. He will take you and your baby down with him. Life is too short for this kind of nightmare.

I know you love him. Want him safe. You sound lovely and kind. But you are enabling him. You are giving him the ok with your actions. He needs to be left to
His own devices. He will never change at your request.

Ask him to leave. Get on with your pregnancy. Reach out to loved ones. Eat properly. Continue counselling. And posting.

Hugs to you ((((((())))))))

OP hope you are ok tonight, brilliant advice on this thread.